💖 2.4 I'm trying my best, don't I show it?
Summary:Pentious and Charlie talk about forgiveness.Alastor talks to Niffty about Redemption.And Valentino helps Angel.Angel wishes someone loved him.
⚠️Tw: Valantino, Drugs, Valentino, medical stuff (not too bad) gun mentioned, self hate, regret, cheating, implied toxic relationship, implied killing/hurting someone, regret, saying flat out that someone killed someone, trouble with forgiveness.Let me know I'd I missed something plz.
⛪️ Religious/Religious Truama
"Only in dreams could we feel this way
Your silhouette sharp, your hips start to sway
And I'm trying my best not to hurt you
With all that I've been through
I just want to ask you...
Would it kill you if I asked to stay?
Maybe then I'll be okay." -Be okay, SXYE
Tony's hands were shaking hard as he reached for the door.
His heart feels like it's going to leap out of his chest as he can already feel the burning flames of hell on his skin for what he did…
Or more so. . . What he felt like doing.
He takes some deep breaths and sits down.
He tries to swallow his anxieties and not panic as he draws a cross in the air in front of him. "Bless me, father. For I have sinned."
"Tell me your sins, my child." The priest says to him.
There is something he wants to confess...but he's not sure if he can. "I- I got into a fist fight with some neighbors.” He says. “My brother and I...well, these guys made a promise to pay us for cleaning, and...it was bad." He says. “I hated at least three of them.”
By 'hate' he meant killed, and by clean he meant…delivered contraband.
It wasn't too much of a stretch. The bible says hating is the same thing as killing, even if one is a bit more...permanent than the other.
His father ran a criminal organization.
He and his brother were mostly in charge of transporting alcohol and…other illegal stuff.
It wasn't as sinful as killing, Jesus drank wine...right? It wasn't a sin…
Until people tried to swindle them. Then some mf has to die!
They were the dishonest ones, not him. He was just obeying his pops.
The bible says he has to.
"I also stole... money from my pops." He confessed.
Money means drugs and alcohol in this instance of course, technically it's costing him.
"And is it possible to return it to him?" The priest asks him.
"Naw, it's long gone by now." Tony says. "I know it's wrong, but he makes me so mad and I just need to get him back, you know?" He asks.
“Forgiveness can be hard.” The priest says. "Is there anything else?"
"Well, I don't know… If I loved someone that I wasn't supposed to...would that be a sin?" He asks.
"Have you acted on this passion of yours?" The priest asks.
He's only ever talked to the guy- it's not like they've kissed or...anything else.
Just lots of talking and thinking and wishing.
‘You're beautiful, Anthony.’ He had said to him.
That's not something a friend tells a friend.
It fucking sucks! It's not fair!
Why does she get to be with him? She can barely stand the guy!
Meanwhile he's stuck loving the hell out of him...
And knowing that if he told anyone, they'd probably have him locked up for life... or worse.
He shakes his head. "No, but I wish I could.” He confessed.
"So long as you don’t act on those feeling's, you won't be judged for them." He explains.
"I absolve you from your sins in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit"
Tony leaves...feeling worse than before.
He's finally confessed...but he doesn't feel forgiven, he doesn't feel absolved.
He supposed love always came with a price but…
Did the price really have to be freedom?
How can loving someone be morally wrong?
~~~Charlie: present:😈~~~~
“Are you sure this is a good idea, Angel?” Charlie asks. “You're still not completely healed, and your work can be kinda…” Charlie wasn't sure how to finish that sentence. “...strenuous.” She decides is the most appropriate word for it.
“Doesn't matter, I have to go either way.” Angel explains, fixing his makeup, using the compact he keeps with him at all times. “If I don't, Val will throw a fit, and it'll be a lot worse for everyone who works there.” He closes the compact very loudly as if for dramatic effect. “Especially me.”
“I can call him again if that would help.” Charlie suggests. “I don't want you getting more hurt than you already are! Angelic steel is serious, you know.”
Angel shakes his head. “It would just make him mad, I'd rather just face what he has now than later when he's more angry.”
Charlie nods, remembering what happened last time she got involved… the look on Angel's face when Val dragged him to his dressing room…
“Okay, just call me if you'll be home late please?” Charlie requests.
Angel rolls his eyes. “Sure, Mom. I'll let you know if I'm later than curfew.”
Angel walks out the door and Charlie sighs…
She hates the feeling she gets in her chest whenever Angel leaves…
‘Just please be okay.’ She wishes quietly.
~~~Alastor and Niffty:~~~~
“I get to be part of the project! And I get to join the classes with Angel and Pentious! It's gonna be so fun!” Niffty squeals happily to Alastor.
Alastor was working at his desk when the small tornado of a sinner walked into his room unannounced, only to yap about Charlie and redemption and some forgiveness project they're doing.
He genuinely enjoys Niffty's company most of the time, when she's rambling about roaches, or torture of any kind, he could even relate to her violent tendencies; However, her conversation of choice this morning was concerning to say the least.
“And then Charlie gave me an assignment! And I get to meet her and Vaggie for private sessions just like Pen does!” Niffty explains to him. “Isn't that exciting?”
Alastor's ears perk up in concern. He looks away from his work to face her. "Niffty, I certainly hope you're not getting any silly ideas about redemption." Alastor says.
"Well…maybe.” Niffty says. “It sounds fun.”
“Niffty, redemption isn't for you.” Alastor says. “You know that.”
“But Charlie says it's possible for anyone!" Niffty argues.
"Not anyone, dear. Believe me, there's no redemption for people like us." Alastor explains. “Get that silly thought out of your head before you hurt yourself.” He orders.
“Killers.” Alastor explains. “After you kill someone, you can't just bring them back.”
Niffty frowns. "So, we're just stuck here?”
"I'm afraid so, dear." Alastor says, continuing his paperwork.
Nifftty frowns in defeat at first but then she gets a realization. "But if no one has ever been redeemed, how can you know that for sure?" Niffty asks him.
"You don't know for sure, do you? Charlie could be right, couldn't she?" Niffty asks, so sassy and smug it made Alastor wonder why he's even bothering with this wretched conversation.
"Redemption isn't possible, Niffty. For anyone! If it were, it most certainly wouldn't work for us. Accept that!" He tells her.
Niffty frowns again...but then furrows and looks up at him. "You know what? I forgive you."
"Excuse me?" Alastor asks, sounding quite offended by her words.
"For trying to break my spirit. I forgive you." Niffty smiles.
"I'm not apologizing, so you can't forgive me." Alastor says.
Niffty shrugs. "Charlie never said you had to apologize. She said I have the power to forgive.”
“So, you're forgiven now. Bye!” Niffty interrupts in a sing-song voice.
Alastor glares at the bug while she skips away cheerfully.
Oh well...she'll find out soon enough.
There's no redemption…not for murder.
It's an eternal sentence that he accepted years ago.
Naturally some deserve damnation more than others do, that's why he didn't mind being here quite so much.
While this torment is someplace he has to endure… he also gets rewarded when he watches those who hurt him suffer more than he is.
~~~Sir Pentious and Charlie: 💧~~~
Charlie was so worried about Angel! So much so that she forgot that her and Pentious had an appointment today.
She ran to her office where Pentious already was, sitting anxiously with hands on his lap.
“I'm so sorry I'm late, Pentious!” Charlie says. “I got distracted, I forgot about our meeting today.”
“Oh, that's alright.” Pen says. “Will- uhm. Do you think Angel will be alright?”
Charlie smiles at him sympathetically, she takes her seat at the desk. “I hope so.” She says.
Pentious nods, before this week he didn't really think of Angel's work or how dangerous it was. But now it seemed so real and…rather terrifying to think about.
“So, let's get started.” Charlie says. “Have you finished your forgiveness project yet?”
Pentious frowns, and fiddles with his fingers. “No, I- I haven't.”
“That's okay.” Charlie says. “Maybe I can help you?”
“Can you think of anyone you'd want to forgive?” Charlie asks.
“Well…” Pentious sighs. “There was a fight between me and my…business partner. But…”
“Charlie?” Pentious asks.
“What I did to earn damnation…it was really- very bad. How do I earn forgiveness?” He asks.
Charlie takes a deep breath and stands up to move closer to him. “Well, do you regret what you did?” Charlie asks him.
Pentious nods. “Very much.”
“Do you want to be better?” She asks.
“And you're willing to put in the work to do so?” Charlie asks.
Pentious looks at her. “I'd do whatever it takes to be better!” He declares.
“Then redemption is possible.” Charlie says, she reaches out to hold both his hands. “It might take time, but where there is redemption, there can be forgiveness.”
“Even if I did something…really bad?” Pentious asks. “I hurt people, Charlie…”
Charlie frowns, what could Pentious have possibly done to end up here? He's so… kind. So sweet.
“Would it help if you tell me?” Charlie asks. “I promise I won't hold it against you, I won't judge. This is a safe place. It won't leave this room without your consent.”
Pentious swallows nervously but then nods. “Okay…I'll tell you.”
Charlie stays quiet and allows Pentious to tell his story.
“Ah, Angel Dust.” Valentino hugs and kisses Angel the second he walks through the door. “How are you doing, baby?”
“Hey, Val.” Angel says. “I'm…fine. Why am I-”
“Let me see your cut.” Val tells him before he can finish asking the question.
Angel lifts his shirt and lets Val see the cut.
Val makes a small squeak sound. “Oh, Amorcito.” He gently touches it.
Angel shivers at the touch, but he tries his best not to move.
“Come on.” Valentino says, dragging him over to another room. “There's someone I want you to meet.”
Angel bites his tongue and obediently follows Val.
The room in question was apparently a medical room…that they've never used. Ever.
At least not for Angel, one time he got his leg cut clean off during filming…and all Val did was throw bandages at him, but they had a medical room this whole time!?
“This the one?” A doctor or…someone like a doctor asks Val.
“This is him.” Val takes him to one of the beds. “Lay down.” He tells Angel.
Angel does, his body shaking like crazy. “Val, I'm fine I promise, this isn't nec-”
“Hush, baby. Let him work.” Valentino says, petting his head as the doctor examined the wound.
“Well?” Valentino asks. “How is mI armorito?”
“He'll be just fine.” The doctor says. “He's healing normally, should be back at work in a few weeks.”
“A few weeks?!” Valentino shouts. “I can't wait that fucking long!”
“Hush!” Val tells him, and Angel obeys.
“Healing takes time, Valentino.” The medic says. “If he doesn't rest, his stitches could open and he could bleed out. I know that's not normally a problem, but this is an angelic cut.”
The medic tells Angel to rest and keep the wound clean, and also recommends drugs to take before leaving him alone with Val once again.
Angel only heard some of it, disassociating through most of the conversation…
Angel turns to Val in panic, noticing the moth's face. “I'm sorry, Val. I didn't mean t-”
Valentino kisses Angel to shut him up. “Oh, baby, no.” ~ he purred. “This isn't on you, mi querido. Besides, we don't have to listen to what a doctor says, no.”
What did he mean by that?
“We can keep filming, so long as we have someone on standby with stitches in case these rip.” Valentino explains, tracing Angel's stitches with his hand.
Angel's breathing quickens, he wants to run, to say no, to make Val leave him alone!
Why did he ever sign a contract with this asshole?
It was not worth the one night with-
“Who did this to you, Angel?” Val suddenly asks.
“Who…did this?” Valentino asks again, this time it was scarier.
When Angel doesn't answer right away, Val looks him over. “It's a simple question, mi alma. Who cut you?”
This was ridiculous, why is he protecting someone who failed to do the same for him?
He should just tell Val the truth…
So, Angel bites his tongue. “I-it was dark, Val. I passed out, I couldn't see anything-”
Valentino grabs Angel's face, his claws digging into Angel's cheeks. “That's not what I asked you, whore.”
“I don't know.” Angel says softly. “I'm sorry, I-I've been trying to remember but I was so out of it that night- it's all a blur!”
“You'd better not be lying to me.” Valentino growls.
“I'm not, Val. I promise! Please-” He pleaded with Val.
He didn't need more pain, he was in enough fucking pain…
He'd endure it if he had to- but he really didn't want to.
Val let him go. “Aw, baby. I'm sorry, I just hate to see you hurt by someone else.” Valentino grabs Angel's hands and holds them gently. “I worry about you, you know. I'm just so disappointed that you went to that hotel with your pain instead of me. Do I not take care of you good enough?” He asks, rubbing the side of his face.
“You do! I'm sorry, daddy. I would have. I would have come to you.” He lies. “They just happen to find me and took me to the hotel-”
Valentino licks his lips as he presses a finger against Angel’s lips. “Papi understands, baby.”
Angel smiles, just glad they have changed subjects, he can't let Val know he lied…
“How about you make it up to me, hm?” Val asks, pulling Angel closer.
Angel nods. “Yeah.” Angel gets into character “Oh, please, daddy. Let me make this up to you.” ~ He purrs.
Val smiles and takes him upstairs…
Sometimes life really fucking sucked.
It was Christmas time, and every year their Nonna always insisted they throw a big party with all their friends and family.
But he didn't feel like going, especially after confession this morning.
He couldn't stop thinking about how Rob was down there with Molly.
She constantly complains about him, but he's all Tony could ever want, how selfish can someone be?
He joined the party for a whole twenty minutes to make his Nonna happy, then he retreated to his room.
That wasn't enough though, it's still Christmas so, he deserves to celebrate his pathetic life a little.
He stole a bottle of booze from his dad's personal stash and climbed out the window of his bedroom to get some peace.
It's not like anyone would notice he's not at the party… no one ever noticed him.
“Tony?” Rob called from Tony's bedroom window.
Fuck, why did he have to be here?
“Lower your voice, dude. I don't need Johnny on my ass, lecturing me on being up here.” Anthony whispers.
Rob smiles at him, and climbs up to him. “Where have you been? You're usually the life of the party.”
“Yeah, I'm not feeling so lively today.” Anthony says.
Rob hums. “Can I have a drink?”
Tony hands him the bottle, and Rob takes a huge gulp before handing it back. “I can see why you like to hang out here. It's so…peaceful.”
Anthony nods. “Yeah…it's nice. Quiet.” Tony says.
“Don't get a lot of quiet?” Rob asks.
Anthony shakes his head. “Not really.”
That wasn't entirely true…it was plenty quiet in the house when his father wasn't drunk.
But it was less than peaceful whenever he was home.
Robbie looks at him, and Tony looks right into his gorgeous brown eyes…
Neither said anything, but they knew what the other must be thinking due to their…previous conversations.
“You are gorgeous.” Rob says to him. “Especially in the moonlight.”
“Listen, You're dating my sister.” Tony says, subtly moving away from him. “We should be-”
“Wait- that's the part you're worried about?” Rob chuckles. “Not the guy-on-guy thing?”
“Well…yeah.” Tony says. He doesn't care what happens to him…But he'd hate to hurt Molly. “I care more about her than I do myself, I'd rot in hell before I hurt her.”
“Molly doesn't even like me like that, I swear she's only dating me to get your dad off her back.” He says.
“Do you like her that way?” Anthony asks him.
He shrugs. “I don't know…I thought I did.”
Anthony nods, but he's surprised when Rob takes his hand.
“But…I know I like you, Tony.” He says.
Rob gently touches Tony's face before he pulls him closer…
Anthony couldn't even think about what was happening…he just blindly followed where Rob led him.
Their lips suddenly touch, and Rob kisses him.
Tony closes his eyes, enjoying the moment while it lasts before Rob pulls away.
Tony blinks and looks up at him. “Wow.”
“I know.” Rob says. “It just feels…right. Doesn't it?”
But it was wrong…wasn't it?
But, damn. That was a good kiss.
He wished it was his first, if only Christine didn't steal that moment for herself.
“I love you, Tony.” Rob says. “I want you.”
Anthony blushes. “I…uh- I don't- I- I can't.” He sputtered and shook, he didn't want to say what he knew he should.
“Find me after the party.” Rob whispers. “I'll be waiting.”
Then watches Rob head back inside.
Fuck…everything he did was hot.
He used to care a lot about what his family said…
He cared that he sinned every day of his life.
He didn't even understand it…
What was the point in suffering now just to suffer more later?
If who he was now wasn't good enough for heaven…
Why would he ever want any part of heaven?
“Do you hate me?” Pentious asks Charlie, tears running down his face once he finishes his story.
“Of course not.” Charlie says. “You made a mistake, but you're becoming a better person now, you're growing and learning from your mistakes, that's what matters now.”
“But people got hurt because of me.” Pentious says.
“I know.” Charlie says. “And I'm not disregarding that. We can't simply undo the mistakes we've made, but instead we can make better choices. Okay?”
“Maybe it would help to write down your feelings about what happened.” Charlie suggests.
Pentious frowns. “I don't like thinking about it.”
“I understand. You don't have to if you don't want to, it's hard to confront those feelings, but I hope someday you'll be comfortable enough to try.” Charlie hands him a notebook. “It's not easy, but acknowledging one's mistakes is the first step.”
“First step to what?” Pentious asks.
“Redemption.” Charlie says.
“But how would writing it down help?” Pentious asks.
“You need to acknowledge your feelings, Pen. Accept them. Something bad happened, and you can't undo it, but that isn’t the end.” She explains. “After you acknowledge what happened, you can learn some self-kindness and compassion. Take the time to learn from your mistakes, and move forward.”
“Then what?” Pentious asks.
“Live your life differently.” Charlie says. “Make better decisions and be a better person.”
“But, I don't deserve to be a better person.” Pentious says.
“You do.” Charlie promises. “You just need to give yourself that chance.”
“But what about all the other people who- who aren't better? Why do I deserve that chance?” He asks.
“Everyone deserves it…but not everyone takes it. That's up to you.”
Charlie places a hand on his shoulder. “Self-forgiveness is a big part of this.”
Pentious nods. “Charlie? Would it be alright if I regressed for a little while? I know it's not what you had planned today, I just-”
Charlie smiled kindly. “Of course, Pen. That was a lot of emotional stress, you deserve a break.” She says.
Charlie sits down on the couch and gestures for Pentious to join her.
He sits down next to her and Charlie lightly guides him to relax on her lap while she strokes the top of his head with synchronized gentle hums.
He rests his head on her lap and he mumbles. “I'm bad, Charlie.” He says, already sounding little while tears fall down his face.
“No, you're not. You're good, Pen.” Charlie tells him, petting his head.
“I'm sorry.” Pentious cries. “I'm really sorry.”
“I know, you did an excellent job today, Pen.” Charlie tells him.
“Did I really?” Pentious asks, looking up at her, eyes wide and full of tears.
“You did amazing.” Charlie praises. “It's all part of the process and I'm really proud of you. That's a lot of progress in a single day.”
Pentious smiles and rests against her lap again.
Charlie drapes a blanket over him. “It's gonna be okay, kiddo.” She promises. “Everything's gonna be alright.”
When Angel walked back into the hotel he found Vaggie and Charlie playing with little Pentious at the coffee table.
He was able to leave after…helping Valentino.
He had something with Vox and…
Angel served his purpose.
“Ah! Ninjas!” Charlie laughs.
“I'm gonna destroy you with my laser beam eyes!” Vaggie's character says.
“Don't worry, we can defeat them with the power of friendship!” Charlie says.
“Or…” Pen's character says. “We can just use guns.”
“That works too.” Charlie says.
Angel walked up the stairs, cigarette in hand, still within earshot of the trio.
He's not sure why he found them interesting…
He doesn't want people around…
He doesn't want someone there to hold him or tell him everything's going to be okay.
“I'm going to get a ss-snack!” Pentious says. “Be right back.”
The little one slithered away.
“He's so cute!” Charlie says.
“That he is.” Vaggie agrees. “So, what happened to make him regress anyway? Is everything okay?”
“Oh. You should have seen it, Vaggie. We made so much progress. I'd be willing to bet anything that Pentious will be the first soul redeemed.” Charlie says.
A tear forces its way down Angel's face, so he goes to his room before anyone can see him…
“You're okay, you're okay.” Angel says to himself. “You're safe…you don't need them… “
He sits down on the floor and holds himself close.
“You don't need anyone.” He takes some deep breaths and he looks up at the wall, feeling sudden anger in his chest.
He needs to get out of here.
Falling too hard was my biggest mistake
The best one that either of us ever made
And I try to fight the sharp residue
Of the memories of the perfect month with you
Drugs numb the pain that you're leaving
I've waited two months for this moment
Tear up my skin, stop my breathing.
I'm trying my best, don't I show it?
I'm trying my best, don't I show it?" -Be okay, SXYE
Possum: I relate too much to this song lol 😅
Little space is such a good song, but this is painfully underrated!!
I'm so sorry it took me so long to post this, I appreciate you all being so patient and kind to me!I've been trying so hard to write! I swear I've been working on this chapter since before the last one was posted and it just wouldn't come out right. I hope this was somewhat satisfactory.I hated it after the first draft and I like it now, so I hope it's actually good and I didn't develop Stockholm syndrome or something lol 😆
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