i might be making it up but i feel like everyone around me, especially friends or friendly acquaintances find me so uninteresting. I feel like such a boring ass person sometimes. I have nothing truly going on, I don't know anyone truly. I haven't made friends at all for the past 5 semesters of university and it's probably because I don't have anything about me that would even attract someone into being my friend. I'm surprised that the friend from high school that attends the same uni and the friend they introduced me to are even my friends. Even then I feel so disconnected from them. I hardly text them and maybe I should do it first if it feels that way but people hardly ever text me first and it become a cycle of feeling like they don't for a reason which is why I don't text first either. When I do some responses feel lacking of any interest. I feel like i've had so many friends from middle school up until now but it all feels fake because i wasn't really close with all of them the way they were with each other in their smaller friend groups. I didn't have anyone that I could call or would feel comfortable enough to talk about personal situations. Even friends that I used to facetime often I still wasn't close enough to just make a call to them. I always felt like I had to ask permission. Still, I feel like I have to ask, before I bring up what i really want to say I need to ask if it's okay to even talk to you in the first place. Do I get too annoying? Am I boring you with everything that I say. Is it a burden to be in the same space as me. Everything that I am feels fake and there's not really much of me at all. Nor is there anyone who wants the little bits of me that are struggling to exist.
