In "Inspection Detection", Jorgen grades godparents based on how happy their child is. The happier Timmy is, the better Cosmo and Wanda are. But in "The Switch Glitch", Vicky's happiness was a reason to take Cosmo and Wanda away. This seems contradictory. Is there some threshold of happiness that a godparent ought to meet, while going beyond that shows the godparent isn't needed anymore? Does it depend on the godchild's testimony (which was unreliable in Vicky's case because she'd been tricked)?
That’s correct. Godparents are given to miserable kids in order to treat them to a better life than they would have otherwise had. When a godkid’s memories are taken away, the exact details of events get lost, but the hazy memories of having an enjoyable childhood stay there.
The idea is to help neglected kids learn valuable life skills so that they can take care of themselves someday, and for a fairy to be a trusted figure that a godkid can confide in as they navigate the perils of life. If a godkid’s state has worsened since fairies have been introduced into their life, that’s obviously a problem. If it seems clear that a godkid should be able to function normally in society and that they’re on a good path for life, fairies are reassigned so that they can help someone else who’ll benefit from their company. Fairies aren’t supposed to be taken away to be mean. It’s to help as many kids as possible.
Fairies are sometimes taken away as punishment, however. I have this tentative headcanon that a godkid IS actually allowed to tell other kids that they have fairy godparents without losing their fairies- the “good” kids who are kind, could keep a secret, would be understanding… the kids who would be allowed to have fairies themselves if they had miserable lives!
For example, Timmy doesn’t know this, but Chester would be one of the kids on the green list (See also, “It’s a Wishful Life” and that scene towards the end of “Fairy Idol” when Chester overheard Norm tell Timmy that he, Chester, was the reason Timmy lost his godparents earlier. Chester’s a gentle child and I have a feeling that he suspects Timmy plays with magic or science as it is. He wouldn’t know all the details, but he might suspect that, say, Mark Chang is some sort of otherworldly guardian of Timmy. Remember “The Big Scoop”? He’s had an absentminded eye on Timmy for a long time).
Mikey Munroe is another green list kid. The fairies in charge of such things (Amity, mostly) have seen how kind and understanding he is with a fantastic being like Bunsen, and they figure they can probably trust him with a few of their secrets. Although of course, they would wipe his fairy memories if he just went around blabbing to people. If we want to keep with canon, Amanda most likely had hers wiped after “Beast of Friends”. I can think of no reason she’d be allowed to keep them.
But Tootie can’t keep a secret and could cause a lot of headache if she had a fairy (Especially since she’s likely to tell groups in bulk, and tbh erasing people’s minds isn’t good for anyone’s health. See also, Denzel Crocker). A.J. scoffs at magic and would be more interested in dissecting a magical being, so they’re off the table. For similar reasons, so is Trixie.
Who else is or was on the green list? Maybe Chloe, Kevin Crocker… Sheldon Dinkleberg… Elmer, definitely; the boy with the sentient boil should have no problems suspending his disbelief for fairies. The Burger World employee! Gary and Betty are allowed to know because they work at a daycare center and see a lot of kids. After awhile, you start to recognize the presence of magic (It also helps when you’ve hung around pixies for most of your life).
But Flappy Bob wouldn’t have been on the list for reasons that are too extensive to justify including here. And Chet Ubetcha would’ve been allowed as a kid (Didn’t I mention I love “Anchors Away”?) Uh… Probably Sam and Tucker could know, but maybe not Danny? Danny isn’t always as subtle as his pals. Maybe Rudy Tabootie, but I’m kind of resistant to that idea too (He’s a kid who would probably believe, but wouldn’t handle it well b/c ego problems). Jimmy Neutron is an absolute definite no, but maybe the Pines twins would be okay!
You get the idea. Basically, kids who are willing to believe are allowed to know, and those who are skeptical and/or would likely abuse fairies are not. Because many kids (like Timmy himself) have hearts of gold and might struggle with identifying which of their peers they can and can’t trust, they’re just told not to tell anyone (Perhaps this goes along with the “Godparents aren’t allowed to tell godkids which other godkids have fairies” rule? Although I assume client confidentiality is also involved. Oh my gosh- what if there was a thing here about fairies being taken away out of punishment for breaking client confidentiality by revealing their godkid to people, and thus implying said godkid is struggling with… Huh. Interesting… Of course, a client could grant permission, so…)
That aside, emotions are powerful things for fairies. Jorgen and those working at Amity wouldn’t want to feel guilty if a godkid tells their friend they have a fairy, and that friend becomes super jealous and acts all, “Why didn’t you tell me this a long time ago?” Yeah, much easier to just say, “Tell no one”.
So blabbing about godparents in public spaces isn’t okay (Ex: “Secret Origins of Denzel Crocker”). It’s generally not advisable to tell your friends you have fairy godparents because it might strain your friendship. I guess this green list rule functions more along the lines of “Don’t tell anyone directly, but if this person happens to find out you have fairies, we’ll look the other way unless they give us a reason to look back”. Timmy strolling up to Chester and outright admitting he has fairies who could grant all of Chester’s wishes is a different situation than Chester catching a brief glimpse of them through a window.
Amity don’t like to be mean. They want to help people, but the safety of Fairy World must always come first. They don’t like giving godparents out to kids who can’t keep secrets. What if that kid blabbed to tons of people on a subway, and the fairies lost track of who he told, and some people got away with their memories? What if they heard the part about how miserable kids get fairies, so they kidnapped some children and tortured them? So much could go wrong.
But, if a fairy felt that they were taken unfairly from a godkid, they could argue about it in court and potentially win a godkid’s memories back. Though, the Council really don’t like to do that much. This is where you get into politics like Magnifico v. Amity Angel Safety and Protective Recall Agency (the case allowing Juandissimo to become Remy’s godparent again on the grounds that Remy’s mental health significantly improved from baseline when he had Juan in his life, and significantly dropped after “reversal” when Juan left him).
Basically, Juandissimo successfully convinced the Council that Remy is more miserable than a vast majority of the kids he could be reassigned to, and that Remy should be given a second chance. Remy’s situation is very unusual, but Fairies don’t really like leaving bitter rich kids to grow up and become bitter rich and powerful adults, so the Council agreed (See also, “Remy Rides Again”).
To recap, a godparent is assigned to a kid, data is gathered, and if a godkid’s satisfaction is too low then this problem needs to be addressed. Godkid should maintain a neutral / happy lifestyle when with a fairy. Then, if you have all these miserable children in need of godparents, and all your godparents are out in the field already, you’ll take the fairy assigned to the happiest and most well-adjusted godkid, right? Because that’s the child least in need of help, who has probably reached a stable point in their life and will lead a stable adulthood too.
“Oh, sure! Blame me for dropping him on the floor. He burned my hand off, Timon. Were you expecting me to shower him in hugs and kisses?”
“Aw C-dog, buddy, get a - snrrk - grip there. You’ll regenerate so long as you don’t step outside D.D.’s temple.”
“He left his robes in Savino’s realm.”
“I know! He can wear-”
“No. Put yours back on, Jake.”
“Whoa, careful, Mac! You almost knocked Whyatt off the sugar jar.”
“Guys, he’s turning blue! Why is no one calling attention to this fact?”
“For Diderot’s sake, get him some water, Bruno.”
“Blue, fetch the boy some water. Go on, girl. Fetch!”
Pushing and pulling, screaming and stomping- in the back of his mind, Lincoln remembered to blink. He did it once because he needed to, and again to prove he could. As he lifted his cheek from frost-spattered marble, a girl with wide dark eyes and hair much the same dropped to a crouch in front of him. In the process, she swung a purple backpack off her shoulder.
“Hi, it’s me! I brought extra CP pills. How much do you weigh?”
“Hey, Dora,” he mumbled under his breath. “What... happened? I didn’t get an invitation. Uh, just one pill- I won’t need two for another few years yet. Do you have cherry flavor?”
She spilled two soft white squares into her hand. Clearly, decades of practice had taught her how to get around the child safety locks. “Just standard issue. Lo siento. I know they might taste a little gross, but they’ll still help you overcome the sickness of trying to exist outside your own dimension.”
“S’okay.” Sure, he was still a new kid on the block, but Lincoln knew better than to make any gesture towards her. Not here, not ever, and definitely not when he could taste his home universe in the smell of his sweat. On his first visit, when he’d been named a member of the Court himself, he’d once made the mistake of patting Blue’s uncovered head with his own uncovered hand. With CPs attempting to build a stable force in the air or not, it had shot off fireworks and blown both of them backwards. His arm had burned for a week after. Since then, he’d picked up on some of the rules. In the temple, which stood on perfect neutral ground and obeyed laws of its own, you did not touch anyone beyond the fabric of their robes.
Dora placed the cartoon physics pills on the floor between them, then screwed the lid on the canister and dropped it into her backpack again. “De nada, Señor Ruidoso. Are you feeling better already? Great! I’m very sorry this surprised you. I understand. I was called in from a foxhunt. I think you should look her in the eyes, don’t make any sudden movements, and give her what she wants. Just don’t let her steal from you. Stealing is wrong.”
“Give her what... Who summoned us?”
“That’s a great question! Do you know who summoned us?” Without waiting for an answer, Dora flipped up the hood of her cloak and scampered off. By the time Lincoln had swallowed his pills and sipped from Blue’s offered water dish, he found himself surrounded. The cluster of figures all dressed in sweeping white robes which bore the same periwinkle stripe and seafoam green triangle stitched across the foreheads. There were at least a dozen of them, all of varying heights (and, occasionally, species). The third time Lincoln noticed that he blinked, it was because his nerves had just stood on end. The puffy blonde hair spilling out from beneath her hood, not to mention the bright freckles across her cheeks, made it a simple matter to identify his tormentor of the afternoon. She stretched both palms towards the sky.
“I greet you under my given name of Amanda Killman, daughter of Elmer Hartman. And I name you Lincoln Loud, shon of Chrishtopher Shavino.”
Here they went again. Suppressing a well-deserved eyeroll, Lincoln made the hand sign back to her from where he knelt on the floor. “I accept my name of Lincoln Loud, and I greet you on neutral ground, Amanda Killman.”
"Now, show a little reshpect, Loud. You shtand in Diderot’sh shacred temple.”
Yep, and that explained the missing wall behind him. Outside, snow fell.
“Um. Yeah.” Other than those two noises, Lincoln did not speak until he’d picked his sore, shivering body off the ground and wrapped his arms around his shoulders. Dora had suggested he hold eye contact, but that wasn’t an easy thing to do. Amanda did tend to be liberal with the ‘s’ words- and the resulting spittle that flew from her mouth. At least Lisa only came up to his waist. After he’d cleared his throat in his fist, Lincoln actually did turn his squint Amanda’s way. “So, what’s the big idea? It’s a school night. At least, it is in my universe. We didn’t decide to up and freeze our calendar for fifty years.”
“Whoa there, nelly!” Foop punched the air. “Two minutes in and it’s already heating up. Remind me to tip our harmonica-playing host for dinner and a show.”
Mac cringed. “Please don’t encourage him.”
Even Perry gave a roll of his eyes and chattered his teeth.
“Uh, he wash inshulting you too, Dr. Vladimir Einshtein. Ahem. Sho, Loud.” Amanda lowered her upper eyelids to half a squint. Her hands went together in front of her chest, swallowed in sleeves. “It hash rechently come to our attention that you have liberally abushed the powersh of your shecond shight. You shtand before Diderot’sh Court today accushed of property damage, attempted manshlaughter, and child endangsherment. How do you plead?”
“What? Hey. Amanda, I haven’t done any one of those things.” Well. Not... all of them, and not intentionally, or recently. “Do I at least get the right to know who’s accusing me?”
She folded and creased the note in her hand. It disappeared into her gaping sleeve. “It’sh me, hotcakesh. I shall ashk again: How do you plead?”
Lincoln looked from one end of the row of faces to the other. “I... I don’t know what you guys are talking about. I haven’t done anything out of the ordinary.”
“Sho, playing hard to get, I shee. I accshept this. Then I wish to see The Map to the Multivershe. BEVERLY!”
Nobody moved. After muttering a long comment under her breath, Amanda turned instead to a squat, squarish man lingering near the refreshment table, upon which sat a boy with only three scruffy tufts of blond hair sticking up from his scalp like caterpillars. “Lord Crump, fetch me Quadrant B5 of The Map, and make it shnappy.”
The boy chuckled as the short man trotted off, and twirled a harmonica between his fingers. “Hello dolly, talk to me. I promise, I’m totally fine with it now. I had windshield wipers installed on my glasses the day after I met you. Check it.” The harmonica disappeared beneath his robes. He placed a hand behind him and pushed himself from the table to the marble temple floor. Once there, he strolled between two rows of hunched cloaks and glinting eyeballs with his hands upturned. Unlike most members of the Court, his hood was down, and he wasn’t wearing the usual seafoam and periwinkle gloves. Lincoln only had vague memories of Bruno from his indoctrination ceremony, and as the guy came forward, he found himself squeezing his eyelids shut and pleading inwardly for the ceiling and heaps of snow upon it to come crashing down.
“Oh c’mon, what part of this involves you this time?” Becky growled. She and the tiny boy perched beside her ear, he dressed in a blue and green superhero outfit not unlike the red and yellow one Lincoln remembered were beneath her robes, set their hands to their waists in sync and stared him down.
“What I want, what you need...” Bruno sprang up as he passed her, swatting a loose curl of her dark hair in the process. She started and winced away, and even Lincoln cringed. But Bruno simply blew the rising smoke from his skin, and rubbed flecks of ash between his forefinger and thumb. “Everything comes up roses in the end. Aw, would you look at this!” He held up the singed scrap of her hair. “Don’t let anyone go spreading lies that boys don’t notice when a girl tries out a new haircut. But seriously folks, she’s a beauty, ain’t she? I for one am loving the new lip gloss.” With a hand to his mouth, he faux-whispered, “The blinding shine distracts me from the natural glare of her ego.”
Foop, Gumball, and Jake snickered in the background. Becky, master of words that she was, apparently decided that the best one to use in this situation, was none. She leaned against one of the temple pillars and crossed her arms. Whyatt clung desperately to her ear as her shoulders took on a sudden slant.
“You newbies always think you’re sooo adorable,” Bruno went on, twisting on one heel to face Amanda and Lincoln again. “Granted, you are. Especially you, Plinko- you’re really looking sharp tonight. Just keep your tangerine color scheme away from my marigold, and I’ll be chipper than chocolate.”
“Bruno,” snapped about seven voices at the same time.
“Okay, okay, you like points, and me getting to them. You all lead busy working lives and I respect that. No time for kids’ games.” He held his hands near his chest and made shushing motions. Then he cleared his throat. “Look, every couple years we fall into the same basic pattern. Someone screws up, everybody cries, I save the day, we leave the temple grounds so we can all hug and kiss and make up without frying ourselves on a hunka hunka burning love... Say, that reminds me.” Bruno snapped his fingers in Gumball’s direction. “That check you mailed me last time? Totally bounced in my ‘verse. I want gingerbread cookies, warm milk, cuddles by the fire-”
“BRUNO!”
That was Amanda alone, and spittle splashed his cheeks. He wiped the droplets away with his sleeve. “Yeesh! I expect double my usual cut if you want me to work under such unsanitary conditions. Listen, I wouldn’t bite the hand that feeds you, blondie. Remind me which of us is retired from show biz and runs full-time security in our slice of the multiverse. I work for tips and I even take IOUs. Hey Lincoln-log, if you can throw a quarter in my mouth without straightening what I assume is your backbone, if it turns out you actually have a backbone, I’ll do a funny little dance for ya.”
“Aw, don’t scare ‘em, Bruno.” Rudy didn’t even look up from the chalkboard in his lap, though he did jab a thumb in Lincoln’s general direction. “They’re just kids. Kids can take care of things. I mean, you seem to be doing pretty okay.”
“Hardy har har. Fancy yourself a comedian, I see. No one’s laughing. Hey.” Bruno mimicked Rudy’s thumb jab. “Can somebody fact-check whether the splitzo is actually supposed to be here? Because I’ve been wondering on about that for over a decade-”
Rudy’s head shot up. It was the first time Lincoln had actually seen his eyes. They were olive green, and sagging with bags. And sweat. Lots of nervous and/or angry sweat beaded near his temples. “This is coming from you?”
Bruno took his robes and curtsied. “From a boy with musical talent actually relevant and useful in his story’s plot? Yes it is.”
“Hey, I-”
“Technically speaking,” Jimmy interrupted, using a joystick in his hand to snatch Bruno’s hood in the claws of a tiny but evidently powerful invention and hoist him from the ground, “you have always been significantly under your quota.”
“Bother. It’s the kid with the forehead to rival my own. And his even has shading. There’s no place like home, Auntie Em. Or was it ‘Uncle’?” Bruno kicked his legs. “I did break the Fourth Wall a time or two. The proof’s in the pudding. Just because I didn’t flaunt my gift as much as some of you self-righteous flits doesn’t mean I can’t play the card when it benefits me. Again, I manage multiverse security nowadays- cut a little guy a little break. Geez, it’s always such a monkey house in here. No offense, Jakester.”
“Was that supposed to be directed at me? Ohhh, and here I thought you were talking to my spitting cousin.”
That was enough to collapse Foop and Gumball under a heap of giggles, while Amanda hollered, “I will end you, Spidermonkey!”
“Aw, you guys are like family to me. You don’t let me live with you, I don’t let you live without me, and yet when you need someone to clean up your messes, I’m the first one you call.”
Mac whispered, “Actually, the first one I call is the platypus.”
“That’s right!” Although still struggling, Bruno tilted his head in a manner that suggested if he could turn around, he’d be speaking to the boy behind Jimmy. “You certainly did, Mr. Comeback Kid. And what happened to that mountain in your backyard as a result?”
Clearly, Mac hadn’t expected to be heard. He tightened his grip on the chest of his robes, the oversized hood dangling over his face. Becky placed an arm around him with a murmur of, “It’s fine, you’re fine, watch the skin.”
“What now?” Bruno demanded, this time directing the word in Perry’s direction as the platypus treated him to a stink-eye. “I didn’t say you were clueless, egotistical, or inexperienced. You know I like working with a partner, ol’ One Man Show. This isn’t your playground out here. You should have called me.”
Perry rattled his teeth.
“Clamp a bill on it. BKN isn’t exactly across the train tracks from the Cartoon Network folks in Chessboard Valley. Plus it was past my bedtime when the first tremor went off.”
“It’s getting awkward,” Lincoln whispered to Rudy.
Rudy sketched a mountain on his little chalkboard. “Yeah. He’s always like this. And you’ve only been a member of the Court for one year.”
“Hey, none of you have to like me. In fact, I rather enjoy it when you don’t. It makes throwing sass that much less regrettable. But I’m here to stay, and you all know it. And, I know you’d respect me if I wore bunny ears and dressed in a suit and tie for work.” Bruno pulled in his arms and slipped from his Court robes to the floor, revealing that beneath them, he dressed in blue jeans and a marigold (apparently) hoodie. Jimmy did not look impressed, but he did step away from the sudden exposed skin and clothes, while Bruno adjusted his glasses and stuck out his tongue. When Jimmy didn’t think the others were looking, Lincoln saw him drop Bruno’s robes on the ground and stick his tongue out too.
Amanda stomped back to the main huddle at last, wiping what was hopefully chocolate from her sleeve. Jake and Gumball had taken shelter behind the refreshments table. “Sho, shpit it out, Mishter Shecret Agent Shpy Guy. If you’re shuch an exshpert, what’sh your proposhition?”
“And what part of it involves me?” Lincoln piped up.
Bruno tsk tsked. “So impatient. Mind your manners, sister, or you’ll pull a hamstring leaping to conclusions. Don’t let yourself forget that I eliminated my bully problems permanently by my second episode.”
“And a-what exactly ish that shupposed to mean?”
“‘Eliminated’,” Becky supplied. “It means to completely remove or get rid of something, in this case a tormentor, perhaps by force or some more... underhanded method.”
Lincoln gulped. Amanda glanced at her sideways. “Yesh. Thank you.”
“Hey, it was the ‘90s, wordsmith,” scoffed Bruno as he examined his fingernails. “Back in those days, we actually had to deal with real worldwide threats rather than a batch of lovable city-focused scamps. People got hurt. And okay, I did some hurting. Think the big guy upstairs will really fault me when I kept running into idiots who liked to play with alligators or thought they could survive explosions with a bit of sunblock?”
“How charming,” she said tightly.
“Yes, you are. Now, to business. Have any of you been around the block enough to actually witness the collapse of a universe first-hand? And are you certified to don the gear that lets you swim in galactic cytoplasm? Ever escaped the quicksand of a beach that skirts a black hole?”
“Not this lecture again,” Gumball groaned behind his teeth. Blue lay her cheek on the floor and covered her eyes with her ears. Jimmy propped a hand against Becky’s pillar and proceeded to shake his head after every comment for the next several minutes. Lincoln cast a longing glance at the discarded robes on the floor and fought to keep his teeth from chattering.
Bruno ignored them. “Or how about dug yourself out of cosmic mortar until your fingernails are down to their quicks and there’s more blood on the surface of your thumbs than skin? To dumb it down for ya, does anyone here consider themselves equally or more qualified to do what I did when I hauled tushie to repair the Fourth Wall a few years back after someone nailed it so hard in the gut, it sliced Peck Peak down into the ol’ seeping abyss?”
No one replied- not even Foop, Jimmy, or Becky, though all three of them exchanged narrow-eyed “I can fly in outer space so don’t drag me too far into your analogy” glances. Mac tugged at his collar. After several seconds, Perry raised his hand, fingers spread so the webbing between them stretched. Bruno tilted up his chin.
“Just our other secret agent, then. Well, I’ll be J.S.’s uncle! Stop me if you’ve heard this one. Now, have I got a thingamajig for you lucky contest winners.” After licking a finger, Bruno withdrew a crisp envelope from his hoodie pocket and unsealed its flap. The letter inside, he handed to Amanda. “You two ankle-biters are still new here, so I’ll explain how this works. Anytime you break your toys, I can fix ‘em for you as long as I get a few hours’ notice before Doomsday. Usually, of course; no one’s perfect. But if you have a problem with my personal charm, then I recommend a diet consisting of a teaspoon of prevention over a gallon of cure.”
Lincoln watched the list unfurl from Amanda’s hands into his (he dropped it when it made his ungloved fingertips smoke) and from there to the floor.
“So, judging from what Mandy here said when I could understand her over the roar of Niagara Falls” - Bruno dabbed a speck of Amanda’s spit he’d missed earlier from the tip of his nose - “this is the list of supplies I expect I’ll need to save the multiverse this time around. I figure if everyone pitches in, there’ll still be enough dough left over for me to treat us all to ice cream when I’m done. I work best under pressure, so don’t ring unless there’s real trouble.”
The list continued unrolling past Perry’s feet. Lincoln actually got dizzy after skimming over the first two dozen items- most of which were batteries at volts he was pretty sure weren’t legal in his universe. The prices weren’t pretty either. “Um,” he said, lifting his hand, “again, can I get clarification on exactly what’s going on? And can I maybe also say that I don’t think it’s okay for you to stick up Diderot’s Court for ransom? Money can sometimes be... kinda hard to scrounge up in a big family like mine.”
Bruno locked eyes with him and smiled. It oozed insincerity, and it took all of Lincoln’s strength - every shivering ounce - not to wilt in response. “Oi, stuff the flattery in Mandy’s bra, captain cranium.” (“Excushe me?”) “Ever caught my show? It’s not my policy to give into terrorist demands, nor would I want it to be yours. No, no... Even though I am retired, and even though I like to kill time wandering dimensions after half my home universe actually did cave in back in the early 2000s, and even though none of you have so much as invited me to your Easter Sunday potlucks or ever extended a bit of hospitality once I’d indoctrinated all of you into the Court, which I used to serve good ol’ Master Diderot on alone...” Bruno glanced from Lincoln to Amanda and back again. “This hot cash isn’t for me.”
“You exshpect me to believe that thish is all generic shecurity exshpenshesh? What short of reshcue operation requiresh shtryofoam packashging peanutsh?”
“None that would be relevant to our situation- I just like hearing you say it. Dodging your flying saliva flecks makes up half my day’s workout. Come here, Blue. That’s a good girl. Amanda, say ‘sit’.”
“And you want a new harmonica?” Lincoln asked before she could do so.
“Figured I’d try asking first. You wouldn’t believe how fast those things rust when you’re on the Fourth Wall’s other side, gazing over nothing but the empty white expanses of universes yet to be. Damp skies and pure oxygen there, buddy. Next time I’ll bring you along; your brain could stand a little more of it.”
Foop found this especially hilarious. Lincoln sucked on his lower lip. Bruno just lifted both eyebrows.
“Hey, holding Walls together isn’t a task just any ol’ dog can pull off in arts and crafts with googly eyes and glitter glue. If things get deadly, I want you newbies to know you can always call on your friendly neighborhood tour guide and repair expert for help. If the two of you can’t work things out like a big boy and girl (and after last time I don’t really expect that you will) and you’ve got a problem, call Bruno the Kid. And unless you can give me an exact time limit before all goes kaput, I don’t work after eight o’clock on school nights, during church, or whenever I don’t want to. Yikes!”
The ‘yikes’ was what he said after Blue snarled something in her native canine tongue- a phrase perhaps along the lines of, “Stop toying with them, you filthy rotten lintball of sass.” Even Lincoln remembered the gossip about how much the kid hated dogs. Bruno sprinted across the snowy courtyard with a holler of, “Toodles, you’ve been a great crowd! Call me, Mandy! You know I love what you can do with that sassy tongue! We’ll talk!”
“Buzzard,” she muttered, and tore the top of his list in half. Lincoln gently guided her hands away from it before she could go any further.
The thirty seconds they spent still waiting for Crump wasn’t long enough for Lincoln to cook up an idea of what he wanted to say. In fact, another ten minutes probably wouldn’t have been enough either. Child endangerment? Attempted manslaughter? Weren’t those accusations all just a little extreme? He itched at his ear until another figure he didn’t recognize had rolled a table between accuser and accused. Amanda snatched the offered segment of Map from Crump and flapped it out as though she were about to hang it from a clothesline. The scroll unfurled like a banner in the wind. Most of it dangled off the table’s either side. Automatically, Lincoln flicked his eyes down to the Map and zeroed in on the area that was most familiar to him.
Coincidentally, that was exactly where Amanda placed her crooked fingertip.
“Royal Woodsh; charming little liberal town along the eashtern border of the Shavinnoah. I shuppose that’sh the reashon why you act ash though you don’t believe in conshequences. Now, let’sh move a twitch further shoutheasht of your plache to here. Oh look, it’sh good old-fashioned Muckledunk. My world and yoursh sho happen to be next door neighborsh!”
“Wait,” Lincoln said, recognizing the puzzle pieces much too slowly. “Is this... Does this have anything to do with me freezing time with my remote control again?”
A mutter sprang up around the room; Jimmy flipped his palms towards the ceiling and mimed exploding. For her part, Amanda curled her lower lip. “Well, aren’t we sharp thish evening. If I had a gold shtar, I’d conshider preshenting it to you. Then again, I’d probably prefer leaving you with a shilver.”
“W-wait. Hey. I, uh, I thought we agreed on this the last time you called me up here. I can’t give up the Remote of Time any more than you’ll give up the Remote of Space.” He cut her off a bit there at the end when he said it, and a flash of guilt shot down his spine. He didn’t let it stick around. “Amanda, I know you and Jimmy and Rudy all live next door to me and can feel the ripples in space-time whenever I use it. I promise I feel really bad. But, um... Hey, it makes for good kite-flying weather for you guys over there in Newhartland, right? We were each given one of Diderot’s artifacts, and this one’s mine.” He clasped his hands. “Please, please don’t make me give it up. Please with a... soggy cherry on top. I have ten sisters- you don’t understand what it’s like!”
Amanda slammed her palm on the table, which made Lincoln flinch more than he’d wanted to. “Excushe me! Ish the Fourth Wall jusht a joke to you? I’m not kidding here. It’sh breaking, Loud. Shattering to bitsh and shmithereens.”
One thing a house full of sisters hadn’t made Lincoln into was a pushover. He tilted his head. “Hey, hey, it can’t be just me here that’s to blame... I mean, you’ve got your moments too... What’s that about?”
“I actually know my own limitationsh, bushter. But you are literally breaking it. Oh, the curshe of being the late arrivalsh... Ever shince my town was shigned onto this gig, we’ve had to deal with you and your horrendoush inability to keep your fat mouth clamped shut.” As Amanda spoke, she leaned across the table. Lincoln’s orange shirt was slowly accumulating damp brown spots down the front. “The Wall can handle pressure in shmall doshesh, dweeb. It functionsh ash though it were a shcreen door. A shmall rubber ball every now and again may bounche off it without caushing any harm. But you! You punched a gap shtraight through itsh mosht outer layer. Now you’re drilling a hole between our univershes. Much more of thish and our reshpective worlds are shcheduled to collapshe, like Peck’sh Peak and all the resht they teach you in multivershe hishtory classh. And becaushe. Of. You. If you can’t control yourshelf around Diderot’sh shacred time remote, then maybe you don’t desherve to wield it at all.”
The twitch of her fingers when she spoke- was this her game? Getting her hands on the power to freeze time? Lincoln took a single step backwards.
“Amanda, listen. I’m really sorry. I promise. But the Remote of Time was a present from Chris himself. It’s not mine to give away. He trusts me, even if you don’t. See, that means the multiverse to me, and it’s not the kind of trust I’m ever going to betray on purpose. Look, I have my license here and everything.” Thankful that he was still dressed in his everyday clothes and not wearing his Court robes, Lincoln drew a little seafoam card from the pocket of his jeans and handed it to Becky. She flipped the card between her fingers, then looked up.
“Sorry, Amanda. This checks out until the end of Season 3.”
Whyatt signaled his agreement with a thumbs up.
“I’m sure he knows what he’s doing,” Lincoln said softly.
“Why are you all not grashping thish conshept? My people, my town, my money, my friendsh, and mosht importantly me are on the cushp of dishaster here!” Amanda turned her fuming gaze on the meerkat and square blue bat lingering behind her. “Should Newhartland fall, the other membersh of the Nickvershe are next in the domino shet. And we ‘landers are large and shtable. Who ish next to crumble? You all wish to gamble? Play a shlot machine- it’s shafer. That way you won’t be endangshering anybody’sh livesh.”
Timon rubbed behind his neck. “Well, the kid’s kinda got a point there. It helps none of us to plug important business markets full of holes.”
Jake shrugged. “Yeah, I got stock and a few cousins in Petropolis.”
“As much as I loathe to be caught agreeing with a human female,” Foop muttered, crossing his stubby arms beneath his dangling sleeves, “I can’t say I’m opposed to North Newhartland not collapsing with its western corner.”
Mac raised his hands in surrender. “Well, I still think that playing with all this Fourth Wall stuff could be really dangerous, and none of us should be touching anything. I mean, not even Bruno understands how the whole thing works.”
“At the rate you’re sliding downhill, I’m next in line to perish after you two clodheads,” deadpanned Jimmy.
“Right. Uh. Okay, so I’ll take it easy. I’ll lighten up, only use it sometimes-”
“Ha! It’sh too late for that, pint-shize. I’m afraid you’ll need to quit cold turkey to help mattersh now.”
“Amanda.” Lincoln wiped a splatter of spit from his cheek and met her gaze. “I don’t think I’ve broken through the first layer of the Wall to between the Savinnoah and Newhartland yet. I think you are lying to me.”
Five or six cloaked shapes flinched. Dora shot Lincoln a panicked look from beneath her hood and pulled it down over her eyes. Amanda leered up to her full not-very-tall-but-taller-than-you height. Through the dangling sleeves of her robes, Lincoln watched her fists clench.
“Excushe me, Loud?”
“That’s why you haven’t shown me any scientific data. You just want me to return the Time Remote to the temple archives for good.” Oh, he wished he had it on him right then- he’d have enjoyed spinning it around on his fingertip, even as he was creeping away from her. “Because even though you’ve got the Remote of Space that lets you call up random trapdoors and create passageways out of solid walls and stuff, that’s not enough for you. You want mine. Yeah, because all it would take for you is one freeze, right? No one to stop you from getting what you want? From killing someone, maybe?”
For a long moment, she gaped at him, groping for words that wouldn’t spring from her tongue. At last she sputtered, “Shcientific- Ash if there were a printer or program where I could produche- You think thish ish jusht about me?”
Lincoln shrugged. He’d backed up until he could feel the cold of the marble wall beneath his clothes. “Isn’t it? Well, let’s check the facts.” He held up all four fingers on his left hand, and pointed to them with his right. “One, I have the universal remote control that allows me to freeze time and call up alternate versions of my sisters at will. Two, you do not. Three, I mean, let’s be real about this ‘The Fourth Wall is breaking’ thing here- If Dora and Blue never shattered the Wall, I think I’m good for a long time.”
“Oh great, serendipity!” Timon scuttled up Mac’s clothes and perched on his (robed) shoulder. “Now, both kids have got a point. You know that feeling, partner?”
“Uh... I certainly know a feeling,” Mac said, scratching suddenly at his elbow.
“Dora doeshn’t count- Her univershe wash built to withshtand- She- She never had a Fourth Wall! She livesh on an island, shimpleton!”
“She does since Peck’s Peak went under,” Jimmy muttered under his breath. Rudy drew a tombstone on his chalkboard. Mac took the chance to creep away.
Amanda must not have heard Jimmy’s comment, or at least not cared to reply, because she plowed on with, “Loud, do you even get how thish worksh?”
“Four.” He’d saved this one to bear that number deliberately. “In your mind, I’m wasting my gift to freeze time by catching a single breath of quiet during a single moment of a single day. I don’t fit your selfish pattern. And you can’t stand that.”
“I can’t shtand the fact that the livesh of thoshe in my entire univershe are dangling like putty from your handsh! I’ve dedicated a lot of time and bribery dollarsh to working my way up the ladder. Ash it sho happensh, I actshually enjoy being alive. No eleven-year-old should hold that short of power over an entire town.”
“Trust me,” Lincoln went on with a roll of his eyes, “if I wanted to abuse the powers of my remote, I already would’ve done it. Don’t you think I’d like to freeze time to be first in line for the bathroom one morning, or fetch a midnight snack, or sneak away from a dog pile? I haven’t been really liberal with my gift. Just... please trust me. Chris Savino does.”
“Then Chrish Shavino ish a dimwit!”
All in sync, the other members of Diderot’s Court shuffled two steps back. Lincoln tipped his head to one side again. “Wait, wait. What did you just say?”
“I shaid, I think it’sh shtupid he’sh letting you put not just my people at rishk, but yoursh too. If the wall between our worldsh goesh down, you and I both go with it. You’re a ticking time-bomb of dishashter jusht waiting to bursht. You may not care about your family, Loud, but I do.”
“Whoa, hey, stop- You’re just twisting my words- I never ONCE said-”
His eyes fell on his fellow members of the Court. They stood there to one side, monitoring and listening.
And they agreed with her.
Amanda spun on her heel as he was stuttering, her robes whipping around her in a frosty blur like an insult on a winter day. “My cashe hash reshted. Throw him in the dungsheon whilsht we dishcussh thingsh further without him, Jake. Then if you’ll excushe me, I’ve been tashked with building an underground fachility that can withshtand the rupturing of time and shpace. Should you need me onche I leave here, don’t need me.”
“Jake, come on,” Lincoln begged as the spider monkey bounded across the temple towards him on gloved hands and feet. “We’re friends! I ran out in the temple courtyard last summer just to attract bugs that you could pick off my robes!”
“Ehiyeh, sorry, Lincoln, buddy. Amanda has the floor today. Between you and me, the last thing I want to do is add talking animals like me to her blacklist, know what I’m saying?”
“Ugh, you’re not helping anything!”
“Hey, she’ll find a way to bust out of her doomed universe sooner or later, with or without any old Time Remote. We all have worlds we want to protect.”
“I know how to break any fourth wall- I cannot be contained in any cell!” he screamed, because it was the only thing he could think of as Jake yanked him through the open south wall of the temple and into the snow. “I’ll fight this! I’ll rebel, Killman! I’ll end your reign of terror! I- I- I renounce my place in Diderot’s Court!”
Even Jake stopping moving, but only for a heartbeat there. Lincoln drew in a gasp full of snowflakes and icy air that scratched his lungs.
“I- I think from now on, if you’re not with us, then you have to be against us. Just- Imagine a multiverse with no more Fourth Walls. That sounds pretty sweet, right? We’ll find a way. We don’t have to break them down- we just need to add doors. Bruno- Bruno probably knows how! I assume... that’s why he’s... never tried to... Uh, never mind. Jimmy! Jimmy can do it! Or my sister Lisa! Just picture it: All of us free to travel wherever we want, whenever we want to- guys? Hey, guys? Guys, come back! My rebellion- I’m starting a rebellion. Let’s stop this whole living-in-fear thing and create a multiverse where we all can be happy! I’ve got the Remote of Time. Guys?”
They left him in a cell that stood in the middle of the courtyard, snow blowing through its bars.
"I am Reggie the Red! And I am perfectly capable of doing things on my own!”
We couldn’t very well have ZoneSwap AU without Reggie Bullnerd!
As seen here, when Reggie “goes chalk”, his pants get darker and he sheds his sweater vest and tie for a simple white shirt that makes it easier to move around, and that he’s not so worried about getting dirty. He also takes on his “superhero with a baseball helmet” look from “Reggie the Red”. Safety first!
Just like in the show, Reggie loves messing around in ChalkZone because it offers him the sense of control over his life he so desperately seeks. In this AU, though, Reggie’s role as Reggie the Red would begin earlier (Season 1 finale probably) and last longer, a bit like Valerie’s storyline in “Danny Phantom”. And obviously, ZS!Reggie can go chalk, so he’s a smidgen like Vlad too.
Equally obviously, the red chalk - being the red chalk - has ZS!Reggie by the throat like its canon counterpart. Perhaps his biggest weakness (aside from the fact water causes him immense pain in chalk form), is that he can’t use it for longer than about five minutes at a time before it consumes him, turning him into a puppet. He can fight it (leading it to turn on him), but only for a few minutes more. Ten minutes into Reggie the Red form, he’ll collapse.
Using the red chalk has corrupted him in some way so that regular white magic chalk won’t respond for him (though he can still use non-magic chalk to erase things INTO ChalkZone). Thus, when he wants to use magic chalk, he has no choice but to return to the unfortunate red once again.
Rudy’s constantly trying to find and destroy his stash, but even if he does so, Reggie will just find another way into ChalkZone and get more. He loves the power and the fun too much to ever shrug and give it up.
And this was never pointed out in the show, but Reggie is a surprisingly decent artist for someone who never really practices, as he was easily able to whip up the doofi on short notice, Responsible Reggie was spot on, and then in “Reggie the Red” he not only designed himself the outfit, but he drew that awesome garbage truck.
All this makes ZS!Reggie a formidable opponent for ZS!Rudy. I mean, Reggie’s neither great at drawing nor understanding the features of ChalkZone - he mostly just fumbles around - but he’s chaotic and that can be a problem.
ZS!Reggie’s signature attacking style first and foremost is “anything that seems like it would be cool”. As another nod to “Red”, his preferred physical weapon is a mallet. In addition to that, he loves to draw minions to do his bidding. This understandably disturbs Rudy, who’s sworn off drawing living things, because Reggie doesn’t care for them unless they can help him in the moment. Plus, most all except the doofi and Responsible are made of red chalk, so it doesn’t end well.
Ooh, and if anyone was wondering, after the real Bobby Sue starts crushing on Reggie, Chalk Bobby Sue starts crushing majorly on Reggie the Red, and this goes on in the background for awhile if not the remainder of the series~
Most of the Zoners call him “Red”, but Rudy and Penny call him “Reggie”.
(I also think it’s hilarious that he’s very well-cultured and proper for a fifth-grade bully. Despite being heir to a garbage company and spelling “cow” with a “k”, he likes dressing to impress- to the point of wearing his tie when he actually goes around collecting garbage, and he never speaks with contractions and is clearly familiar with a thesaurus. He’s bad with spelling many nouns, but ADJECTIVES and synonyms are his playing field. He cracks me up I love it.)
So that’s Reggie! Bonus fact: He’s also great at bowling like his canon counterpart seems to be, and has excellent eyesight and accuracy.
