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Since the start of 2012 I've:

Cross off what you’ve done (as of December 27, 2012): original post

Gotten a new piercing. [nope already have 3 on each ear but thought about it] Dyed my hair. [ombre, dying it some more later this break as a fresh start for the new year] Ended a relationship. Started a new relationship. [friendships] Been on a long car/bus journey. [Iowa and Minnesota in the summer and Austin, TX over fall break] Passed an exam. [thank god] Met someone who’s now an important part of my life. [sort of] Cried on someone’s shoulder. Had a massive fight with a boy/girl . [have before but thankfully no but maybe little ones here and there if you don't count my little sister] Received flowers. [getting asked to homecoming] Had a Valentine. Written a letter using pen & paper. Gone to see a therapist. Been prescribed medication by a doctor. [was diagnosed with hypothyroidism in August this year which has significantly been a big part of my life this year and unknowingly in the past so now I have to take a pill each morning] Read a really good book. [Divergent, Perks of Being a Wallflower, etc... so many that have changed my outlook on life in many ways] Gone to the zoo. Spent too much money on unnecessary things. Travelled by train. Cried over a member of the opposite sex. Spent the day out in the sun getting a tan [ahem burnt is the correct word for it] Slammed a door out of frustration. Had an anxiety attack. [I'm in my junior year of high school which is not easy so of course but I had my biggest one that was full meltdown with hyperventilation included which is the scariest most unpleasant thing I've ever experienced just a few days ago last week during midterms] Babysat for a friend’s child. [well family friend's children] Had a BBQ [and I live in the south... idk... we had our own personal one that was just for my family aka we grilled steak and hot dogs on the grill and stuff] Gone to the fair. [wanted to go to the Texas State Fair but nah, Big Tex burnt down anyways] Gone bowling. [may have been fall of 2011 with some friends... I can't really remember] Seen a film at the cinema in 3D. [imax, does that count...?] Gone on a date. [um sort of, gone with a date but just as friends or at least in that awkward one-of-us-has-feelings-for-the-other-but-the-other-doesn't-return-them kind of thing] Been the only sober one on a night out. [oddly enough it was during the day... and then there's been some other incidents but I've been sober through them all because I just don't prefer drinking or doing drugs] Helped someone home after they had been drinking. Stayed up all night. Talked on the phone for over two hours. Supported someone who’d received bad news. [friend who got cheated on, etc] Watched some kind of live sporting event. [football of course! hockey and maybe basketball too] Read an entire book in one day. [pft that's impossible for me since I read so slow] Bought a DVD the day it was released. [THE HUNGER GAMES] Eaten McDonald’s more than four times in a single week. Cried as a result of exam stress. [multiple meltdowns just last week and probably last May's finals as well but I don't remember too well, look above] Met some incredible new people. Gone to great parties. [they've all been eh] Fallen backwards off a chair. Broken my glasses. Worn a watch for the first time in years. [i think so for maybe a half hour but don't remember] Cried over someone in my past. Spent hours aimlessly browsing the internet. Thrown up. Cried over a film. [of course! THE HUNGER GAMES, I must admit I teared up at the end of Breaking Dawn, I also teared up during the last Gossip Girl episode last monday, and I get so into films there are probably a million others that got me crying] Gone out of my way to avoid an ex-boy/girlfriend. [sort of... gone out of my way to avoid a boy and past friends and that kind of fun stuff] Fought with someone in public. [I have a little sister, what can I say? not physically] Been in a relationship for a year or longer. Cried in front of someone I adore. Lost one of my closest friends. [have in the past but no, may have gotten distant without choice with some but that's do to boyfriends and jobs and life]

TO SUM UP THIS YEAR (analysis partly for myself but I suggest reading it because through things I've gone through and learned you may learn something yourself):

A lot of unimaginable things have happened to me and my community. A lot growing up and hard-hitting reality has taken place and I've been on a constant struggle between loosing faith in the world and loving every single thing about it. The hardships of the world have become even more evident to me as I get older and am on the doorjam of adulthood (graduating next year) and as I prepare for that it has become clear that I am very happy to still be young. I may miss my childhood and I may be excited for the journey that is ahead of me, but I am happy just where I am: at home with my family around me, in high school with the petty but sometimes entertaining high school drama around me, fun times to just let loose, and times to learn. It has come to my attention that I don't want to speed it up like most people do, I want to sit back and enjoy it while I can because you can't for long and it is going by so fast. That realization that I'll be having my last schedule in a few short months, the last school pictures and last "who's in my classes?!" panic, the last chance to get to know these people that I may have judged in the past, the last time to patch up stupid fall-outs, the last high school crushes, everything has made me realize that I need to stop hating it so much and realize that it's not that bad and someday I will reminisce back on these days and those "what-ifs" will hurt so bad if I don't do something about them. It may just be a short slice of my life (as adults often point out and it's true, it is) but it's the only life I know of and the fact that it went by so fast yet so slow is still so surprising to me. This year I think one of the biggest life lessons I've learned is to be careful when you judge someone because you don't know what kind of crap may be going on behind closed doors and the psychological reasons for that behavior. I have also learned that drama/soap opera tv shows aren't as unrealistic as they may seem and I think everyone has been through one of those type of moments where you just sit there and think "this shouldn't be happening to me, this belongs in some tv show" and where you go back and watch those kind of tv shows and can actually relate to them and understand how that character feelings and the personal connection to it is just unbearable. If it hasn't happened to you yet, then someday it will whether it's good or bad. Another thing I've learned is a lot about responsibility (but probably need to use more) which is probably good as I'm almost going to college.

Another thing I've learned: just do it. Don't let fears hold you back (which I've been tackling from sophomore year to now and just continue to progress with) because one moment of not caring about others' judgement or whatever your fear may be may change your whole life for the better. This little moment between Kate and Cory taught me that and many other things as well. This Chair post illustrates just that. You'd really be surprised what may happen later in life. It might be things you never thought could happen but only dreamed of. Become the person you want to be and live the life you want to live because you have every possibility in life to do so. I'm working on that and although life throws some challenges to temporarily get in the way, I'm determined to meet those goals.

A physical change for me that is somewhat good and bad is getting diagnosed with hypothyroidism in August (literally the first day of junior year). It's still kind of hard for me to admit that I have a disease and have to take a pill every single day of my life and I'm scared about how I will be with it when I'm on my own in college in a little over a year. I try to look at the bright-side that I'm lucky because in a way I have a pill the fixes a multitude and almost all my problems. It kind of seems magical if you think about it and I'm lucky I handled it as quick as I did because if I left it untreated it could have been fatal so that's something to be thankful for I guess. I've actually been dealing with the symptoms for years but didn't really discover what was the issue until last year and then couldn't get the doctors to correctly diagnose it until switching doctors this year which is kind of scary. Like I said, it's potentially fatal and my previous doctors were just tossing it to the side and sometimes calling it depression (which is a symptom but defiantly not it) so you can imagine how angered I was about that when I realized how grave it could get. It worsened over the summer and lets just say I was an emotional mess because of it and just literally felt like I was going out of my mind. To put it in a nutshell: it's not a fun thing to experience but thankfully it's getting better now that I have medication. Still not fun and it's not going as fast as I'd like, but it's improvement. My hair is finally growing [a lot too] again and I think that's one of the biggest things I wanted to happen and I'm finally getting my motivation back and feel less fatigue and my singing notes (high and low) are doing a lot better now that I can correctly breath a little bit better. It kind of freaks me out that, in a way, I don't know how I really am since about 6th grade (since it emotionally and physically affected me so much) and other deep thoughts that surround that topic. I don't know, I just try not to focus on it too much and keep going forward. A lot of 2012 has been devoted to that transformation or due to that disease/whatever you want to call it. This year has been more of a building block where I got my foot into the things I want to complete but not completely get there due to symptoms or events that took place with all that though. It kind of makes it seem like 2012 was a waste but I guess I had to deal with it sometime so better then than later.

Recently I have developed a new appreciation for the color red and Golden Hollywood Era/ Old Hollywood Glamour. Well, more like obsession but you know. I have become more artistic and deeper in my art. My two painting teachers have both taught me different but equally valuable skills and lessons when it comes to art. This year especially I started to learn to not let my OCD hold me back with art and to not procrastinate it and just plunge in and let the mistakes happen and the art will happen along with it. I have gotten more interested in photography although I was already a little bit but I really want to evolve and expand what I can do with it and will continue to work on that. I guess my artistic vision has just become more open to other things around me as I take in the views of life around me if that makes sense. I still feel like there's a lot more I want to do with it, however. I have loosen up a bit but it's still not enough.

Storytelling has been a big part of this year. It started around the summer of 2011 but The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins lead me to get more attached with Tumblr alone as I discovered the fandom and they lead me to other books I learned to overly love. It forced me to admit that I actually like books (I previously didn't because I'm such a slow reader and stubborn) and it let my storytelling knowledge and interest grow. The two most important series I got hooked on this year was Divergent by Veronica Roth and The Mortal Instruments by Cassandra Clare. I can't even describe how obsessed I am with them. The themes in both of them have influenced my own life as well and I look forward to both of their movie adaptions. The end of 2011 through the beginning of 2012 consisted with obsessing over The Hunger Games and preparing for the movie including fan events, seeing the cast members themselves in person, and watching every single one of their interviews as well as live broadcasts of the premieres that lead to going to the midnight premiere of it. I was disappointed at first but then I re-watched it and loved it more than the world and thought it did it justice. I even ombred my bleach blonde hair (since summer of 2011 which was a big part [along with the extensions] of my sophomore year) with Jennifer Lawrence's hair color from March 2012 during late August but I actually do love the color.

I remember that on new years eve right before midnight and it was officially 2012, I promised myself to be productive towards my goals. I freaked out that it was already the second semester of my sophomore year and I hadn't got anywhere and I had always felt like my sophomore year was important for some reason. However, I got heldback with unexpected challenges and instead of being dissapointed with not fully accomplishing that I choose to look at the fact that I've started to which is a huge step alone. I researched more into acting and singing and finally got some lessons as well (and plan to continue with more), I've looked into more of my educational future and visited at least one of the colleges I'm interested in (and again, will continue it), I'm conquering what was interfering with my health and getting to how I want to physically look so now I can actually get healthy even though it will take a lot of endurance but I'm trying to strengthen it so I can do so, I've gotten a bit more out of my comfort zone and met a lot of new people which is always great especially for someone who can be shy like myself. Even though I may look at this year as just, well, being there (I mean, the world didn't even end like the Mayans said and that was like years of anticipation!! what a rip-off...) I did actually somewhat accomplish my [very vague] new years resolution: to work on my goals and myself. It wasn't exactly how I imagined it because who can even plan all the insane things that happened but for what I had to deal with at the time, I did do something which is all that matters, right?

That's something that discovering my hypo- has made me realize: I'm a lot stronger than I sometimes give myself credit for. I mean, I've been positive in the past through times of hell and now that I learned that I was battling this on top of it without me even knowing and hypo- is supposed to physically make it impossible to be positive-- I just don't even know how it could be possible yet I did it. I'm not trying to brag but I remind myself that whenever I feel like I'm weak because it truly shows me that I can keep going and will. So when I say I'm someone who is so optimistic it's on the verge of annoying, I'm serious people. I'm very thankful for it though. This year has also made me really thankful for the things I have in possession and just traits I hold and loved ones around me. I have also become a lot closer to my faith (which is Christianity so I've become a lot closer to the Lord and Jesus Christ and enlightened by the power of prayer).

A lot of endings have happened this year as well (mostly to thinks I began loving in middle school or before that in my childhood) like Desperate Housewives, Gossip Girl, Nolan's Batman Trilogy, and the Twilight Saga (Harry Potter ended 2011). It's hard to believe and really shows me that I really am growing up since these are just a few of the series that I've grown up with and have been a huge part of me and have so many memories and experiences and life lessons attached to them. New beginnings and obsessions have started as well like The Hunger Games and all the other book series I've started loving/obsessing so there may have been things to say good-bye to but there are also things to look forward to as well. And I'm sure the list won't be stopping there. But now I'm actually ready to somewhat be a part of the things I love now that I'm older. What does that mean exactly? I guess we'll just have to wait and find out, huh? ;)

There's probably been a lot more things to 2012 that I left out including memories I love and memories I wish I could hide away forever but I think this sums up a lot of it. 2012 honestly has just been a whirlwind for me. Things have happened that I would never have expected would happen before and I became friends with people I don't think I expected myself to and every day has taught me a little bit more about who I am and what I want. I've finally did things that I should've done a long time ago and still have things I need to do. Things have changed here and there but there are still things that remain the same and I know it won't stop there or ever. I'm hoping next year will bring better, happier changes however but the things I may want may actually be the things I don't need and eventually learn aren't the things in my favor and make me sad. That's what I fear but only time will tell, right?

So a year ago at this time I thought my sophomore year was the important year, but maybe I was wrong and the age 16 was actually the important time. Let's hope, shall we? I plan to use the start of 2013 to my advantage as a fresh start. Not completely, but to give myself a chance to pick myself up and improve and reflect over what has happened this past year and use it to get better. I physically want to change by getting my hair a tiny bit darker. I just want it a little bit more ombred to bring out my eyes and skin complexion some more. I always favor darker in the autumn or winter seasons though but I've wanted this for a while so we'll see how it goes. Winter break is a perfect time to do it though and get all of this going so I can come back to school as a somewhat new person, both figuratively and literally I guess. And besides, I'm getting sick of the bleach blonde and it's so high-maintenance with it turning brassy all the time. I also want to get healthier both by eating to improve my metabolism and just health in general. Plus, eating healthy helps everything about the way you look and feel: your happier and it shows, you're more confident and that too shows, your complexion improves, you feel stronger and less fatigue. I really need to listen to my own advice more though. I just need to start to get myself to like it and keep going. I want to workout more and improve flexibility and it's important for me to keep myself going with my asthma if I don't want it to get bad again. The hypo- made me not able to tone literally anything or lose weight so it's always been a struggle for me for years and has traumatized me which has made it hard for me to get going on getting healthier even if that's not the case anymore. I still feel like it's no use when I really don't know that for sure. Hopefully I can get this personal war over with once and for all. I also want to get further in not only my vocal and acting lessons, but the study of it all as well. Basically by this I mean I want to watch more films, see the greats, learn about them, find my own personal preference and style and touch. Every artist needs their "sound" as a musician (that includes finally learning how to play my poor guitar, Layla, that sits there in the corner all lonely waiting to be strummed) and every actor needs their own acting method and style and I need to find mine. I have a tiny bit of an idea of what I like but I want to get deeper in all of that. I also want to learn more about film in general and get more experience especially so I can add something to my portfolio for admissions to film school. I want to finally finish designing my room. I mean, I am graduating next year so I might as well have it all done after living in this house for a few years, right? I want to stop making excuses. I want there to be no use for excuses so I want to be better at accomplishing things and staying productive and stay to my word especially school-wise. I decided that a few months ago when I realized I was really great at making excuses on the spot and then realized how horrible that is but I still need to improve on not having to do so. Translation: I need to do more of my homework and just get it done. I want to get more focused in school and get the requirements for my college applications done with. The colleges I want to get in are not easy ones for sure and I need to work on the possibility of actually getting accepted more especially with applying coming closer to me and I need to work my ass off on studying for the ACTs and SATs I'm taking this spring. I need to get more organized so I can have a clear mind to do all of this and relax more. Lord knows I need to do that! To sum it up: I want to emerge as a fresh person that really is just me as the person I've wanted to be all along as I work on getting the life I've always wanted. So really I just want to seal the deal on long-terms I haven't been able to complete yet. I also want to live more and relax and experience life more and enjoy high school while I still can and more of my family and friends because life makes that difficult at times. And the guys I like better watch out because this new girl doesn't mess around and isn't some little girl nor a full-grown woman quite yet. This new girl also has her drivers license and a car and hopefully a job as well. Just saying ;). The goals will probably increase as time goes on and hopefully will get crossed off (I just want to finally get things done, even little goals too) at the same time but this is the main jist of it all and my "new years resolution".

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in September 2011 aka the start of my sophomore year I made this video where I talked about the goals I wanted to complete/work towards throughout that year (last year, 2011-2012 but I'm going to include this first semester of junior year into that as it is 2012 as well) Let's see how much I actually got done or am in the process of or has changed:

1) physically: at the moment I am still bleach blonde but have the top ombred a light brown/strawberry blonde (Jen's hair color during March 2012), I may be a little bit slimmer but I wouldn't say by much and I don't think I grew any taller (still 5'4" but that may be due to hypo-), I'm not tan at the moment since it's winter so I'm pale as a vampire once again but I did get tan over the summer again, my hair has grown a lot longer and thicker and I don't use extensions anymore since August, I caught my hypo- so my neck is a little less swollen most of the time... I do like my outfit (including hair and make-up) there though so maybe I should revisit that look?

2) car: that still is my dream car but I'm having complications getting my license even if I am 16 now (to sum it up the drivers ed place ripped me off but I'm working on it because I REALLY want to drive already) so the car plans didn't work out so well. That's still an option but I've been so busy I'm not sure how it would go plus insurance for a Porsche is off the roof not to mention insurance for a new driver so that might be the real problem there. I blame my dad for raising me with the love of Porsches... I'm going out on the road maybe this week though. 3) voice lessons: I actually finally took some March of 2012. Took forever but I did and they helped a lot and I loved them. Little did I know I had hypo- and because of the thyroid swelling it causes trouble breathing which all singers know is everything when it comes to getting the correct notes so now that the swelling is decreasing I need to go back to vocal lessons (plus, I miss them since I had to quit earlier) so as January progresses I need to look into them again and get that going once more

4) acting lessons: I actually am not as much of a fan of the place I talked about in the video now. She's a great coach but the classes were too large and less personal for my liking and she's quite attached to Disney and almost every one of my followers I'm sure knows how I feel about starting out with Disney. But I found a coach that I really love and started going to her classes just this past month. I love this coach's philosophy about acting and we believe in some of the same things and she's very straight to the point and talented and makes the environment comfortable with great techniques. I really love it and even in one class alone you can learn so much although my only struggle is that it's in the city so it takes some time to get there but it's worth it. And to top it off, she is such an awesome person and hilarious and inviting and so friendly. When you're talking to her it feels like you've known her for forever. I feel like she'll help me get to where I want to be with my career. After voice lessons, I don't care about feeling silly while doing those exercises. In fact, it's silly to even care if you look silly. They help a lot and my vocal coach helped me a lot with confidence and not apologizing about messing up and to just keep going and improve. Both lessons have helped me loosen up a bit artistically and like I've mentioned above, that has been immensely needed and I still need to work on it a lot but I've improved. I've learned a lot about acting careers and film and so my knowledge of it all has increased a lot. Some opportunities I could have never imagined back then have come my way as well so I have accomplished some stuff with acting this year for sure although I have much more to do with it. I even discovered that I want to work behind the camera along with it someday and have grown a desire to go to film school since then.

5) better in school: Slacking especially which hasn't got any better. Junior year has come around and the same thing that happens every single year happened once again this year which unfortunately is the hardest with the amount of work and I've been learning that recently. That has been a mistake and I've known that each time but still do it but I still want to stop that cycle. At least I only have one more year in high school but I definitely can't even let myself start to attempt to slack when college rolls around because I might be able to pull myself through the high school years and get behind the first semester and then pick myself up the second one to finish the year off well but I have a feeling that won't be a possibility in college. I just don't want it to come to that. That's a major goal of mine for this new year: to get my act together when it comes to education. I'm not a bad student but it's more that I need to put more effort into the work and my teachers know it and I know it but am reluctant to admit it as well.

6) dance: I still want to dance and go into dance lessons. I never got to it though. I've just been so busy and that's not exactly as big of a priority as others. In all honesty, I have realized that I just want to wear the costumes and have a letter jacket from being on the drill team. It doesn't seem like that's worth a load of money and time that I could use pursuing my dreams, huh? It would be fun and a great experience but maybe not worth it all. Tryouts are in March and technically I could still try-out for senior year and I love to dance so I do still want to take classes just to dance and it would be great for my resume for roles and performing in general so it would come in handy. When it comes to all that, I guess who the hell knows at this very point?

7) fears: I've realized that I'm a lot less fearful now since I made that video. All my reasons for not doing things were in result of fears holding me back. I have accomplished a lot in facing my fears. Even more than I could have imagined but I will forever still have to stay strong to do so. There are much bigger fears that are in the way of some of the goals that are ahead of me but I still refuse to let them get in the way. But I am personally proud of myself for that because that in itself was a huge goal of mine since they're my personal demons and caused me to be shy and so many other things. I am a lot happier in result of standing above them though and can tell that I have much more confidence in my actions and myself now with that achievement. I just do a lot of things now without letting myself overthink about them. I'm still working on this but I love it when I do it most of the time. That's what I need to improve in driving and I still have to tackle that some more.

8) things have changed and yet gone well like I said too: Looking back at it, sophomore year was fun. It was fun to have so much family in town that fall/winter. The Taylor Swift concert was so much fun (even if my favorite song from her that is for my favorite series aka Safe and Sound came out a month or two after and I didn't get to hear it live which makes me sad but oh well I get to go to another concert of hers MAY and I'm very excited especially since I really like her new album especially with my current obsession with red, and my deeper interest in indie pop and alternative which sounds closer to this album in ways) and I got to see two of my role models that year (Lauren Conrad was in April 2012 and I had a full conversation with her which was amazing, look at my role models page on my about me to read about that) and I got surprised with box seats to Coldplay for my sweet sixteen even if I didn't get much of a celebration with a roadtrip the next day but I learned to appreciate that family time and loved it in the end and other things so I definitely can't complain. It wasn't in any way a horrible year. Some events may have been horrible but not everything. But as I watch that video I kept thinking, "oh just you wait" as I think about the crazy hypo- events to come and such. I can't make up my mind about 2012 to be honest. It was just all over the place... happy but still sad then a few traumatic events sprinkled here and there and a few tragedies on the side. I just hope 2013 won't be the same to say the least.

xoxo, lizzie have a happy new year!!

and a picture of me at the end of 2012 (not to mention my December 2012 archive)

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