I flailed wildly, kicking to free my leg of the deadly grip. Something floated past my head, and I grabbed for it. Wood, blessed wood, something to hold onto in the surging waves.
A dark shape sleeked by like a seal beneath the water, and a red head bobbed up six feet away, gasping.
“Hold on!” Jamie said. He reached me with two strokes, and ducking under the piece of wood I held, dived down. I felt a tugging at my leg, a sharp pain, and then the dragging tension eased. Jamie’s head popped up again, across the spar. He grasped my wrists and hung there, gulping air, as the rolling swell carried us, up and down.
I couldn’t see the ship anywhere; had it sunk? A wave broke over my head, and Jamie disappeared temporarily. I shook my head, blinking, and he was there again. He smiled at me, a savage grin of effort, and his grip on my wrists tightened harder.
“Hold on!” he rasped again, and I did. The wood was harsh and splintery under my hands, but I clung for all I was worth. We drifted, half-blinded by spray, spinning like a bit of flotsam, so that sometimes I saw the distant shore, sometimes nothing but the open sea from which we had come. And when the waves washed over us, I saw nothing but water.
There was something wrong with my leg; a strange numbness, punctuated with flashes of sharp pain. The vision of Murphy’s peg and the razor-grin of an openmouthed shark drifted through my mind; had my leg been taken by some toothy beast? I thought of my tiny hoard of warm blood, streaming from the stump of a bitten limb, draining away into the cold vastness of the sea, and I panicked, trying to snatch my hand from Jamie’s grasp in order to reach down and see for myself.
He snarled something unintelligible at me and held on to my wrists like grim death. After a moment of frenzied thrashing, reason returned, and I calmed myself, thinking that if my leg were indeed gone, I would have lost consciousness by now.
At that, I was beginning to lose consciousness. My vision was growing gray at the edges, and floating bright spots covered Jamie’s face. Was I really bleeding to death, or was it only cold and shock? It hardly seemed to matter, I thought muzzily; the effect was the same.
A sense of lassitude and utter peace stole gradually over me. I couldn’t feel my feet or legs, and only Jamie’s crushing grip on my hands reminded me of their existence. My head went under water, and I had to remind myself to hold my breath.
The wave subsided and the wood rose slightly, bringing my nose above water. I breathed, and my vision cleared slightly. A foot away was the face of Jamie Fraser, hair plastered to his head, wet features contorted against the spray.
“Hold on!” he roared. “Hold on, God damn you!”
I smiled gently, barely hearing him. The sense of great peace was lifting me, carrying me beyond the noise and chaos. There was no more pain. Nothing mattered. Another wave washed over me, and this time I forgot to hold my breath.
The choking sensation roused me briefly, long enough to see the flash of terror in Jamie’s eyes. Then my vision went dark again.
“Damn you, Sassenach!” his voice said, from a very great distance. His voice was choked with passion. “Damn you! I swear if ye die on me, I’ll kill you!”
— Voyager
Gifs: @tzaharasykes, Season Three, Episode Thirteen, December 10, 2017
Book: Voyager, Diana Gabaldon, 1994
Tumblr: October 27 2018, WhenFraserMetBeauchamp 🏴❤️🇬🇧
WFMB’s Tags: #Outlander #Season Three Episode Thirteen #S3E13 #Eye Of The Storm #Voyager #Chapter Sixty-Three #A sense of lassitude and utter peace stole gradually over me #There was no more pain. Nothing mattered #Claire Fraser #Jamie Fraser #179 #102718
The second concert was part of a fundraiser for children, raising money for food programmes, Christmas gifts, and warm coats and boots. Their band would play two Christmas songs and one of their best covers. The audience was a mix of adults and kids, and it was a much different experience than their other concerts. They met with the organisers in the late afternoon, and their name was entered into the time listing. They were moved around twice before learning that they would play at six-thirty.
Mattie endured the confusion, and he followed along beside Lena, who guided him carefully through the back rooms and the groups of other performers. They carried their instruments, and Garnet had procured a trolley to move Kyle’s drum kit. Mattie’s keyboard case was added on the cart, and Kyle pushed it along behind the others.
They played their songs, the feedback wasn’t as raucous as their previous show, but it was a respectable reception. Garnet helped Mattie set up and pack up his keyboard, though Mattie had practised doing that at home until he could do it fairly quickly.
After their set, they met some of the kids who would have a better Christmas because of this fundraiser. The children thanked them, and asked about their instruments, and if they liked to play concerts. They told them what they’d asked Santa for, and one girl told Lena she wanted to get a guitar and learn to play it like Lena.
On the way home, Mattie thought about how many amazing things had come into his life. He hadn’t thought he could live well again, or even laugh, or enjoy anything ever again, five Christmases ago. He never imagined this life, this amazing life, which was taking him on a journey he could have never predicted. It was frustrating, joyous, and rewarding. It was difficult, emotional, and filled with loving people. And he was in a rock band that actually stepped foot on stages.
When James dropped him off, Mattie thanked him. James assumed Mattie meant for the drive, but it had been James who had invited Mattie to the music room to rehearse with their band the first time. Mattie was beyond grateful.
Mattie knew it was only a matter of time before he was in Fiánne’s company again. Amber was considering having a group of people over to decorate the tree, but then decided that too many people would make a mess of it, and it would be less about the tree and more about a party. She called Mattie the night before, letting him know it was still on, and that Riley and Fiánne both were coming, and could he stop in at the alterations shop to pick her up again when he was coming home with Peter, and Mattie agreed.
Exams had ended, and Mattie was staying in to mark papers and grade exams. His assistant Anders was a gift, and Mattie knew he was going to miss the man next semester. He hadn’t met his assigned assistant for the spring semester, and it worried him a little. However, with Anders still giving Mattie a hand in the exam marking, it was going much more quickly than Mattie had expected.
Fiánne. He couldn’t stop thinking about her all day. He’d managed to put her mostly to the back of his mind for a week, but now, knowing he would be with her again that afternoon, she was at the forefront of his thoughts.
He didn’t even know what she looked like. He had gathered the information that her hair was long, light golden brown, almost blonde, and enviable. He knew she was willowy and graceful. He didn’t know whether she was fair or tanned, freckled or porcelain-faced. He didn’t know about her eyes, or the shape of her mouth. He didn’t know if she wore jeans and sweatshirts, or comfortable dresses, or if she had crooked teeth or a beauty mark on her cheek. She could be anything. And it wouldn’t matter to Mattie, not really. And yet, it somehow, he still wanted to know. He’d deliberately not asked Amber. He never would ask Peter; that would only raise suspicion. He didn’t want anyone wondering why he wanted to know. Even though he’d asked Amber and Peter before about what certain people looked like, he felt this would stick out and they’d know. He was not going to let on, and eventually this schoolboy crush would go away. He knew it would wear off, it was inevitable, because he could not ever be with her. Too many reasons why not, he reminded himself.
At the end of the day, he decided once again to finish a little early and walk down to the shop. The snow had melted, and the temperature, much to Amber’s disappointment, had risen. It made for good walking conditions again, and Mattie wanted to take advantage of the last few days he could safely step on the sidewalk.
Besides, he needed time in his own head, and concentrating on walking the distance between the campus and the little street in the old city centre would keep his mind from wandering too far.
And so, once again, he found himself entering the alterations shop, hearing Terri greet him again.
He remembered to smile. He knew his brain was misfiring somehow, because it wasn’t letting him act like a sensible human at all.
“Hi, Terri,” he said, trying to smile and talk at the same time.
“Hi, Matthew, how are you?”
“I’m well. How are you guys here?”
“We’re all well, too. Well, except poor April over here, she’s working on a jacket zipper and the insulating lining is sending her allergies into top gear.”
Mattie furrowed his forehead in sympathy. “Oh, that’s not good.”
“No,” replied April. “This one really seems musty or extra fibre-y or something. I took some allergy pills but they don’t seem to be helping. The good news is… I think I’ve almost got this zipper in, so I just have to sew on the flappy bits and close the lining.”
“Well, that’s good. You should get danger pay for those things,” Mattie said, facing April.
He heard some clicking as a light turned off, and the sound of steam from an iron. And then he heard Fiánne’s voice, as she quietly gave Terri the slip for the item she’d been working on. Mattie’s chest tingled as he strained his ears to hear her.
In less than three minutes, she was beside him. “Hi,” she said.
“Hi, Fiánne,” he said, his voice much calmer than he’d expected.
“Thank you for coming to get me,” she said. “I don’t have my things with me, though; we have to stop over to my apartment. It’s not far. Is that okay?”
“That’s totally fine. It’s actually nice out, as long as you have gloves.”
“I do,” Fiánne said, and she looked down, seeing Mattie’s hand held out expectantly. She smiled, and placed it on her elbow.
They said goodbye to Fiánne’s coworkers, and exited the shop.
“Well,” said Fiánne. “Isn’t this weather great? Or, wait, isn’t this the weirdest weather for Christmas?”
Mattie nodded. “But is it cold enough for you?”
He heard Fiánne laugh, and he smiled. He noted they’d turned right from the shop and were headed towards the market. He wanted to remember this walk. He didn’t know why he’d need to, but he wasn’t going to let the information float by. So, trying to sound friendly and witty at the same time, he added concentration to his list of mental activities. It was no easy task, and he was glad that Fiánne didn’t try to engage him in small talk, instead, just falling into a comfortable pace and every now and then, giving him a description of something that caught her interest. By her third description, Mattie noticed that she gave him the things that others never gave him. Usually, people gave him the big picture. A building with a stone front. A line of trees. A rainbow. Some kids playing basketball. A staircase with twelve steps, painted grey.
“There’s a woman walking a white dog with a red coat,” said Fiánne. “The dog looks really proud, like he thinks that dogs are supposed to wear coats, and his is enviable. He has no idea that dogs sleep outside, without coats. The woman looks like she might eat the dog, if times get tough.”
Mattie laughed.
“That is the stupidest sign,” Fiánne said. “It says Beat the crowd, Be the trend. I think if you end up in a trend with a crowd, you have defeated your own purpose.”
Mattie thought about that, nodding. “Well, you could be the trend setter, but then, as soon as the crowd begins to follow, you move on. Maybe they mean you invent the style, and then leave it to the crowd to follow. Maybe they want you to sell their clothes by being the trendsetter.”
“Yeah, you’re probably right,” Fiánne said.
Mattie turned to her. “Are you a trendsetter?” he asked with a smile.
“No,” she said. “Nobody would want to follow me.”
“Why not?”
“I… I like sort of weird clothes.”
“Weird? How? What are you wearing now?”
“Like, I just have my own things I like, that I think look pretty or cool, or that make me just feel like sprinkles and sparkles inside. People seem to notice my clothes, but I don’t wear things for other people to notice. I just wear things that make me feel better.”
“And what is making you happy today?” he asked.
Fiánne stopped. “We have to cross again. And then turn down on the other side of the street.”
Mattie, distracted, turned his head, listening for cues. “What street are you on?” he asked.
“MacEwan,” Fiánne replied. “It’s mostly quiet. At least there aren’t any bars around this street.”
“Well, that is a good feature. Is it old? The building, I mean.”
“Old enough. Not stone. Not brick, either. My building is painted green, though, so that’s another good feature.”
Mattie grinned. “Is it?”
“Yeah.”
“Is green your favourite colour?”
“If I have to choose one? Yes.”
“And if you get to choose more than one?”
“Then I choose them all,” replied Fiánne, and Mattie cracked a big grin. “I’ll always take the rainbow.”
Mattie nodded. “I like green, too,” he finally said. “But also blue. And that royal purple colour.”
Fiánne glanced at him sideways. “You like rich colours,” she said. “Perhaps you are of royal blood.”
“Only a royal pain in the ass, some might say,” Mattie said and she giggled.
“Here we are. There are some stairs. Do you want me to tell you how many?”
“No, it’s okay, I can just follow you.”
“Does it help?” she asked.
“Sometimes,” Mattie said, not wanting to impose. Some people miscounted, and tripped him up, and some people told him once he’d already started, and usually it was just easier to follow someone else’s motion, and stop climbing when they did, or rely on his cane, which didn’t lie.
“There are five, and the top one isn’t even, it’s a bit shorter a step up. And there’s a railing on your left, if you’d rather.”
Options. She was giving him choices. He remembered being left behind because he was too complicated to bring along. He remembered being ushered into places, told to stay, never given a choice. As if he was baggage. This was small, a tiny detail, and yet, for Mattie, it felt like she knew what he needed without knowing him at all.
He kept his hand tucked around her elbow, and raised his cane perpendicularly, feeling each step as she rose, following her one step behind.
“A door, opening to the right. And then I have a key for the next door but it’s usually propped open in the day.”
Mattie reached out to hold the door she’d opened, and moved in behind her, finding her elbow once again. They moved in and walked straight, and then turned to the right and climbed another set of stairs, twelve, all even, Fiánne assured him. On the second floor, she led him to a door on the right side. Second door on the right, she said, and Mattie heard her keys jingling.
Her apartment smelled like her, Mattie thought, as he stepped inside, letting go of her elbow so she could do what she needed to do. He wondered at what kind of décor surrounded him. How would she cocoon herself in her own space? He breathed in the scent, listening to the walls, trying to get a read on the size and dimension of the room they had entered.
“I won’t be very long, but did you want to sit down?”
“No, I’m fine, do what you need to do.” He leaned on his cane, happily content with just being there.
She spoke as she collected what she wanted to bring, moving around the apartment. Mattie easily followed her movements, and before he’d expected, she was back in front of him.
“Ready,” she said.
“You’re ready? Okay. Well, let me call Pete, see if he’s left the university yet.”
“We can go back out onto the main street if it’s easier,” Fiánne said.
Mattie scrunched his nose and shook his head at her quickly, a little grin on his face, just as Peter answered.
“Yo, Bro, where ya to?”
Mattie greeted him, chuckling, and gave him the address Fiánne fed him. He said he’d be through momentarily, he was just over getting a coffee right around the corner. He asked Mattie if he or Fiánne wanted anything from the coffee shop. Fiánne declined, so Mattie requested two black teas, remembering what she liked.
“You didn’t have to do that,” she said.
“I sure didn’t,” Mattie said with a double wink.
She blushed and smiled. “Thanks,” she told him.
“Pete’s buying anyway. Always say yes, even if you don’t want anything. He makes me pay most of the time.”
Fiánne laughed, and gave her place a last look around. “I guess I’m ready, if you want to go down.”
“Lead on,” Mattie said, putting out his hand. He didn’t need to hold her elbow, he could navigate just fine on his own, but this gave him the excuse to touch her. Even if he didn’t actually make contact with her skin through the winter coat, he still felt a kind of excitement just connecting with her in any way.
Back down the stairs and out on the street, Fiánne asked Mattie about exams, and about Amber’s decorating. Mattie was just telling her about the tree they’d gone out for, and how, when Amber and Riley brought it in the night before, they’d gotten it stuck in the entryway and called Mattie while trying to dislodge it, to tell him they might need his help. Fifteen minutes later, Amber called Mattie back to let him know they’d managed to get it into the living room.
“Something like this happens every year,” Mattie told Fiánne. “She likes big trees.”
“Can’t say I blame her,” Fiánne said. “If I had a big room with a high ceiling, I’d like a big tree, too.”
Fiánne smiled, hearing Peter’s truck and seeing Mattie’s face lift in recognition. They waited as Peter pulled up to the curb in front of him, and Mattie opened the door and pulled the seat forward for Fiánne to put her stuff in. Once she told him it was all in, he dropped the seat back and climbed in, once again letting Fiánne have the window seat.
This time, the conversation didn’t seem so staged. They knew each other better, and Mattie definitely felt less anxious. He asked Fiánne about the work at the shop, and Fiánne said that they just done an order of twenty-one football jackets with names and logos, and they celebrated with cake when they’d finished the last one.
The drive seemed a normal length, and Mattie knew it was because he’d known the whole time that he’d see more of Fiánne that night. The ride home wasn’t it. When they reached Amber’s, once again, Mattie walked back across the field to his place, but this time, he told them he’d be back over as soon as he’d changed. He knew Amber had food planned, so he wasn’t too hurried to make himself anything.
He took a shower and shaved, and then went through his closet. He wasn’t proud of how long it took to choose something to put on. In the end, he went with a pair of dark green jeans and a white button-down shirt with a grey pullover sweater. He strapped on his watch and felt the time under his fingertip. He knew he could go back over any time, but he didn’t want to look too eager. He consciously waited until Amber texted him the first time.
You can come over any time, Bro. Riley will be here by seven-thirty.
Mattie arrived nearly at the same time as Riley. He was just taking off his boots when Riley’s car pulled in.
He had not thought about the benefit of Riley being there. It meant that Riley and Amber were a couple, and they did couple things. Which left Fiánne to Mattie, by default. However, before that happened, Amber and Fiánne finished their preparations in the kitchen, and Mattie and Riley were sent to the living room to sort out the lights. Amber handed them each a beer.
“Damn, I came too early,” said Riley.
“You’re kidding, right? I wouldn’t be left to this on my own.” Mattie found his favourite chair and put his beer in front of it. “Here’s my deal, though, since we’ve been roped into this activity. I’ll untangle any lights that need untangling, but you’re going to have to be the one to check for burnouts. And also to put the lights on the tree, because I’d end up with all the red lights in one spot and have no lights on one whole side.”
“You’d probably do better than that,” Riley said, surveying Amber’s Rubbermaid totes. He had no trouble discerning which one had the lights, as they were all clearly marked. “Okay, well, here are some lights… There look to be about a dozen strings here.”
Mattie nodded, apologetically. “Yeah. That sounds about right,” he said.
“Uh, I think your deal was rigged,” Riley said, taking out the neatly and separately wrapped lights and placing them on the floor beside the bin.
“Are they not tangled?” Mattie asked, sitting forward, surprised.
“They are not,” Riley said. “Are they normally tangled?”
“Yup,” said Mattie, smiling, and leaning back in the chair.
“Don’t look so smug,” said Riley.
“Normally they are tangled, I swear. I usually have to untangle them. Someone else must have taken them down last year. Well, that’s my job done.”
When Amber and Fiánne came into the living room, Riley had most of the strings of lights checked, and hadn’t found any burned out bulbs.
“Xav, there’s a cheese tray and a cracker tray. Do you want the layout of the types?”
“Nope. I’ll eat what I find,” Mattie said.
“Okay,” Amber replied. “Also, there’s a bowl of pretzels. And a bowl of bits and bites.”
“Which is which?” asked Mattie.
“Yeah,” said Amber. “Xav doesn’t like pretzels. But he’ll eat them in bits and bites.”
“Not if I can help it,” Mattie said. “So?”
“One on the far end is just pretzels. One next in is your little cheerios and peanuts and shreddies mix.”
“Thank-you,” Mattie said, scuttling forward, his hand scanning for both the coffee table and anything in his path. “Anything else?”
“There’s sweets for later. But there is a veggie tray coming, too.”
Mattie could get by on veggies and salty carbs and sweets, because there was also beer and the gentle smell of patchouli and wooded waterfalls coming from somewhere to Mattie’s right. The scent of the tree on his left mixed together with that, and the smell of cranberry-scented candles in front of his nostrils, and he knew that he was creating what he thought of as a restore point in his memory. He would always come back to this moment whenever he smelled that mix again. Each was distinct, and yet together, gave Mattie a strong sense of the world around him.
“Okay, so how are the lights? All working? Totally awesome.”
“Did you wrap them up?” Mattie asked her. “It’s so unlike you.”
“I took a cue from you, Little Brother. And look, they all work!”
“Well, I’m happy for you,” said Mattie, not moving back to the seat. He was closer to Fiánne this way.
“So,” Riley said. “What do we all do? This is a big tree. It could take a while.”
“I document the event. I’m the official photographer.”
“You are, huh?” said Riley. “Why does that not surprise me?”
“Usually I’m too intoxicated to focus properly.”
“Oh, is that the reason?” Riley was laughing. “Jeez, Xav, I never expect half of what you tell me, and I don’t believe the other half.”
“I can show you the pictures he’s taken of the tree decorating in the past,” Amber said. “You’ll definitely believe him then. I think there’s a photo of my arm and the wall, and there’s a tiny, tiny end of a tree branch. We debated on making that our Christmas card the next year.”
“Festive,” said Riley.
They decided that Riley would do the lights, Amber and Fiánne would drape the garland, and Mattie would refresh the drinks. Riley helped Amber and Fiánne at first with the ornaments, but soon, he joined Mattie in just taking ornaments out of boxes and tissue wrap and handing them to the girls. Mattie stuck close to the table, and Amber brought the vegetable tray in and whispered the layout to him, though Mattie knew it was pretty obvious to Riley and Fiánne that she was helping him navigate. It was moments like these, when there were people around that he had not known for years, when he felt the most awkward and uncomfortable at moments he thought of as Inevitable Disabled Moments. He usually couldn’t avoid them, or if he did, he missed out on knowing what was going on around him. But he knew these moments were liable to cause pity or curiosity or something worse, dismissal of his abilities and his validity as a person.
“Thanks,” he said, feeling the muscles in his shoulders tighten.
“Got any good pictures?” she asked him, glancing back towards the tree.
“Yeah, you bet. You’ll be the first one to see them, and I mean that literally.”
“Hand me your phone, let me see them so far.”
Mattie passed her his phone and she expertly navigated through his accessible features to get to the pictures. It had taken her a while to figure out how to work it, but she knew how to get to the pictures, at least.
“Hey, this one’s actually a good one, Xav. It has Fiánne and me in it, and we’re in focus and the tree is in focus and the lights look good.” She showed Fiánne and then Riley.
Mattie smiled. It gave him happiness to have a picture of Fiánne on his phone, even if he couldn’t see it.
“You’ll have to send them to me when we’re done,” she said, handing his phone back by tapping it against the back of his hand. She went back to the tree again, picking up an ornament Riley held out to her.
Mattie had another job delegated to him: he rolled joints. He took a drink of beer and started working at the task given to him.
His mobile rang and he answered it. It was Peter, inviting him and Amber and her boyfriend and Fiánne if she would still be there, to Pete and Chloë’s place the following evening for a pre-Christmas gathering. They were going to decorate their tree, too, and anyone could help that wanted to join in. Mattie relayed the invitation to the others, and they all agreed to go down to Pete’s place the next night.
Amber looked over at Fiánne. “If that’s okay, Hun. You know them both. I don’t know who else will be there, but—”
“No, it’s fine, Amber,” smiled Fiánne. “It sounds fun. It will be nice to do Christmas things with friends.”
“Well, we’re all glad you’re here,” Amber said. “Now, look, Ry, I made this when I was a kid. Don’t I have talent? There’s Xav’s. He clearly didn’t have my toilet paper ornament skills.”
“No, that’s pretty special. Both of them. You’re a crafty little family.”
Fiánne smiled, seeing the cardboard tube soldiers, one done by an eight-year-old Amber, and one by a six-year-old Matthew. Amber caught her eye and Fiánne grinned at her.
They took a break from the tree and smoked one of Mattie’s joints, snacking away from Amber’s trays of food. Riley, not one to usually join them, decided it was Christmas, and took a drag from the joint Amber passed him, and then, having the same thoughts as Fiánne had the first time she passed a toke to Mattie, he stopped as he held it out, then looked at Amber.
“Xav,” Amber said. “Ry’s got your puff.”
“Oh,” Mattie said, immediately turning to Riley and lifting his hand to locate Riley’s arm. He followed Riley’s forearm to his hand and found the joint. Riley handed it over awkwardly, and then he sat back and coughed.
“Novice,” said Amber, teasing him.
“You’re leading me down the bad roads,” Riley accused her, laughing.
“This is good clean country livin’,” Amber said, with a wink.
Mattie handed the joint to Fiánne, and imagined that she took it from him, putting her hand on his arm and then his knee and snuggling up against him, lying on his legs, while he stroked the long, soft hair Amber was always going on about.
She did take the joint from him, her hand just briefly making contact with his fingers. He remembered to throw a smile into the air, in case he was looking too deep in thought or angry, he couldn’t always be sure, because he never saw the reactions to his expression that were automatically mirrored by those he spoke to. He never realised how much feedback a person got about their own expression by watching another person’s expression. He also felt awkward with polite smiles. They could wear off too quickly and make him appear too serious or dissatisfied with the company. Or if they lingered too long, he looked like an idiot, smiling inappropriately when everyone else had sober expressions. He had no idea how long to time a polite smile, but he knew that he couldn’t pull it off quite right without being able to see other people’s faces.
When they’d finished the joint, Fiánne was back up and putting more ornaments on the tree. Amber had brought in the step-ladder, and Mattie took a picture of her trying to reach the tree as she climbed to the top.
“You forgot that the tree angles in. Didn’t you?” Mattie said with a snide little grin as he aimed his phone’s camera at Amber.
Amber was about a metre and a half away from the top of the tree. She held out the ornament but the distance was too great. “Damn it!” she groaned, and Mattie snapped the picture.
“Let me see that one!” said Riley, chuckling, leaning over and tipping Mattie’s screen toward him. Mattie touched the phone and it showed the previous photo taken. “That’s perfect,” he said, laughing.
“Stop laughing at me!” Amber complained as she moved the ladder closer, into the tree branches. “I’ll make you two do this.”
“Oh, no, you don’t want us to do that,” Mattie said, putting his lip out and shaking his head fervently. “Nope.”
“Nope,” agreed Riley.
“Nope,” said Mattie.
“I better make her another drink,” Riley said to Mattie.
“Probably good thinking,” Mattie nodded.
“Another beer for you?”
“Me, uh...” Mattie lifted the bottle in his hand, shaking it a little. “Yeah, actually, thanks, Ry.”
“Sure, how about you, Fiánne? Another drink?”
The girls were drinking Wallbangers, with orange juice and vodka and grenadine. Fiánne was finished her second, and she wasn’t sure, after smoking that joint, if she wanted another.
“Maybe in a bit,” she said. “Thank you.”
“Sure, just let us know,” he told her, heading toward the kitchen.
The night proved to each person there that they were in good company. They laughed, they teased each other, and the comfort level grew as each ornament was hung on the tree. Mattie decided that he was glad Riley was Amber’s boyfriend. Craig was now his friend, and Riley, Mattie could tell, was much more of a match for his sister for the long term. Amber wasn’t just relaxed and happy with Riley. She was still, months into the relationship, giggly and flirty with him. It made Mattie both pleased, and joyfully revolted. He was still her brother, after all, and he really didn’t need to witness his sister being flirty.
Fiánne was starting to feel like she wasn’t an intruder in someone else’s group. She had felt like an impostor, she’d imagined that they were all hoping she’d soon stop crashing their party, she’d worried they talked about her, discussing how they thought she thought she was part of their group when clearly she was not. She couldn’t tell herself that tonight. She couldn’t make herself believe it. She was smiling too much, laughing too much, and enjoying herself too much to try to believe that they all secretly disliked her.
When the tree was finished, Mattie took a picture, and then Amber took a few. Fiánne took one of Riley and Amber, and Riley took one of Amber and Fiánne, and then one of Mattie and Amber, all sitting in front of the tree.
Fiánne desperately wanted one with her and Mattie in front of the tree. She knew that was ridiculous, that there was no reason to have them together. Mattie wasn’t interested in her, her ex was still sniffing around, making the relationship drag out, and the idea that someone like Matthew MacTavish, smart, funny, handsome, kind, and a professor and pianist to boot, would ever want someone like Fiánne. She would have to be content with him being her friend. And she wasn’t sad about that, either, because she realised that having friends, ones you could call and laugh with and count on, was a hundred times better than being alone.
Just as Fiánne was standing, smiling at the siblings getting their photo taking, Riley motioned to her, waving her back over to sit in front of the tree.
“C’mon, you, too. Get in there.”
Fiánne’s smile became more genuine as she stepped over to the tree, sitting down where Riley and Amber gestured. Mattie was in the middle and the girls sat on either side. For Fiánne, this was exciting enough for her to feel a warm, tight feeling across her chest, around her stomach. She figured the butterflies were having a party in there now.
“Everybody say tree!” Riley called out, and took the photo when everyone was smiling happily as they sang a chorus of “tree!” together.
Happy. They were all happy.
Mattie’s Saturday started late. He’d lain in bed, thinking about the night before. He wondered if the girls were up yet. He wondered about what they’d talked about after he’d left the previous night. He had stayed until half-past twelve, and when they finally called it a night, he knew his crush hadn’t diminished at all. The more he learned about Fiánne, the more he wanted to know.
He let the day melt around him. He didn’t accomplish anything, and he ended up eating scrambled eggs and toast and bacon in front of the television at around eleven. Shortly after taking his dishes to the kitchen, he got a text from Amber asking how his head was. He replied that it was fine; he’d slept through the worst of it. He would be ready for party number two that night.
Early in the afternoon, Amber texted him again, inviting him to come over for supper before they went to Peter and Chloë’s. She also told him he could come over whenever he felt like it, since there were three of them over there, when he was alone in his house.
“I’ll be over in a while,” said Mattie, again wanting to hide his eagerness to be back there. He did not want to share this development with anyone. Especially not with his sister.
It was getting dark again by the time he headed over to Amber’s. He knew it was dark because he checked the weather on his iPhone. He’d found that the sunrise and sunset times were always listed for the day, and it helped him to be aware of the season and the changes in the days.
He stopped as he crossed his driveway, lifting his face to the sky, feeling tiny, cold, wet drops on his cheeks and chin. He waited for a car go by and when it was past, he could hear the little fuzzy sound of snow as it landed. Amber would be pleased.
“Hey!” he called as he unlaced his boots in the back hallway.
“Oh, hey!” Amber called back from the kitchen.
He set the boots in their usual place and took off his coat. “It’s snowing, I think,” he announced to her.
“Is it? I thought it looked like it might but I haven’t checked, and it’s dark out.” She came around the corner and passed him, opening the door and leaning out. Sure enough, the air was speckled with very small snowflakes. “Oh, yay!”
“Is it?” Mattie hung his coat and let Amber pass by him again, following her into the kitchen.
“Yup. You were right.”
Mattie, keeping his cane in use because of the chaos of Christmas at Amber’s house, moved across the room, listening for the others.
“Supper will be about twenty minutes,” Amber told him. “Fiánne’s just upstairs, and Ry is in the living room, if you want to go in.”
“Need any help here?” Mattie offered.
“Nope, Fee is helping me, it’s pretty much done now but the cookin’.”
“Okay,” Mattie said, heading in the direction of the living room. Reaching the end of the hall, he rounded into the living room.
“Oh, hey, Xav,” said Riley.
“Hey, what’s up?”
“Ah, just fixing a drawer for Amber.”
“Sounds fascinating,” Mattie replied, heading to his chair.
After about ten minutes, Fiánne came downstairs. Mattie heard Amber complimenting Fiánne on how nice she looked, and she commented on the skirt Fiánne wore. Mattie wondered about it, remembering Amber saying Fiánne wore creative and truly fantastic outfits, and also Fiánne telling him that people considered her fashion sense to be weird. He listened hard but he couldn’t glean any more details about her appearance from the conversation in the kitchen.
Within a half hour, the foursome was sitting in the dining room, enjoying cheese-broccoli and chicken. They had lively table discussion, each of them contributing to the stories.
Talk turned to Christmas activities, and who was doing what for the holidays. Amber had been working out how to share her holiday with her friends and her own family, as well as Riley’s friends and family. Mattie had been involved in the discussion, and his reply remained the same every time: Do what you want, Amber, I’ll go along with whatever you come up with. He truly wasn’t too worried about the whole thing.
Riley, almost knowing what was good for him, said the same thing. So they had decided that Amber would spend Christmas Eve at Riley’s family’s, and they would be returning to Amber’s in the late afternoon or early evening. There would be a gathering of her friends later that evening at her home, and then Riley would stay at Amber’s. In the afternoon of Christmas Day, they would go get Amber and Mattie’s mother, and bring her over. Amber was having Christmas supper once again, and she’d even asked Riley if his relatives would come over, but they were going to be heading to his sister’s, who would have her hands full with the kids and her own dinner preparations. Fiánne was invited, and it was easily planned that she could be picked up when they went in for Amber’s mother.
Around all that, everything was up in the air. Fiánne had no plans, not caving to forgive her mother and go around. She figured she’d probably go over to her foster mother’s home to give her a gift and visit a bit, probably on Christmas Eve day.
Mattie didn’t want to make plans. He wouldn’t even admit to himself that he wanted to be around, in case she was. He told them he’d probably stick close to home, or go to Peter’s. Not having the means to drive around, Mattie’s staying close to home wasn’t unusual, and no-one suspected that Mattie had other reasons. He knew he’d be at Amber’s most of the time anyway, and that was perfectly okay this year.
After Amber served out tea and coffee, Fiánne cleared the table and Amber put everything in the dishwasher. It did take them long to clean up, and Riley soon was out warming up the car. The snowplough had gone by twenty minutes earlier, and it was still snowing when they all piled into Riley’s car.
Fiánne, for a moment, could imagine, as Mattie climbed in beside her, that they were two couples on their way to see their couple friends. She felt ashamed that she was so weak around him. She wished he didn’t have that effect on her. She was grateful he couldn’t see her falter in front of him. She would have to be stronger, because she didn’t want to make a fool of herself. She was not in Matthew’s league. She didn’t want to disappoint herself. And she really couldn’t face rejection from the most impressive man she’d ever known.
Small Mercies Chapter 63, a romance fiction | FictionPress
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“Oh Alex, my darling!” She strokes his soft brown hair. She watches his heart through his thin chest, feels his breath on her chin. Life!
He needs to take him and do an exam. He is loath to do it though. Danny and Claire stand to the side, awaiting his orders.
“Mary, I have to take and exam him.”
“He will be okay, right?”
“Let me see, eh.”
She releases him, with reluctance. Jamie cradles him in one arm, checking him over. For a preemie, his vitals are good. He is tiny but breathing well, muscle tone and color is good. He will need to draw blood and do some tests.
The needle is tiny, barely hair size. Claire plays nurse and holds the wee arm down. The needle is threaded in and blood collected. He hands the baby to Claire and checks on Mary, delivering her afterbirth without incident.
Danny comes up and touches the baby’s hand. “I have never seen such a wee babe.”
“Wee but healthy, as far as I can tell so far.” He turns to Mary. “Let’s try you nursing him.” He needs to see if he can nurse and breath at the same time.
He and Claire help adjust the baby. “Come on little one.” Mary urges. Little one indeed. His head is the size of a small orange. It fits in the palm of his mam’s hand. His hand is the size of a baby monkey, delicate against her chest. He makes meow sounds as he moves around looking for the nipple. A bit of guidance and he finds it.
Jamie watches his breathing as the little one takes his first meal. He watches his color. Against his mam’s chest, with the emergency blanket around him, he doesn’t worry about his maintaining his temperature.
“Oh!” Claire exclaims, “He is doing it.”
“Aye, he is.” Tiny, with a lot that could go wrong ( he hadn’t been sure he would even be able to suck), the little guy is holding his own.
