#charles writes

[charlesoberonn]

Need help with overloyal eunuch

I've had my eunuch for nearly 1 year now and he still hasn't started scheming. I checked everywhere. No coup plots, no poisonings, no intelligence leaks to rebel factions. I tried introducing him to my concubines and my bastard sons but so far he's been a loyal, trustworthy servant. He even helped foil an assassination plot by my half-brother. Is he trying to lull me into a false sense of security? Do I need to get another eunuch for them to scheme together?

[ask-crs-sides]

Where is his body?

“It’s being held in a separate room,” Charles said. “Other officers are looking over it to make sure that nothing happens to it.”

“Are we going to be able to go home?” Virgil asked.

Charles and Rex exchanged a couple glances. “Possibly,” Rex said carefully. “We’re working out paperwork, trying to get the full story of what’s happened. Trying to assess if any of you are a danger.”

“A blind man, someone with a nearly unusable arm, an old man and his mute child, a deactivated robot, and someone who can barely stand up straight?” Virgil said. “I think you’re good.”

[charlesoberonn]

I had this story idea (to add to my pile of story ideas), about an orphanage of weird one-of-a-kind girls, which is run by an ancient war-robot they call Dad. Some of the girls are part of a superhero team who help people and go on adventures with Dad.

It's set in a weird colorful fantasy world inspired by Adventure Time, so the girls come in all sorts of shapes and species.

The main girl is basically "teen girl ctulthu", with green skin and tentacles for hair. She's a mechanic and gadget inventor type, using tech instead of superpowers. She does have powers, but they are messed-up eldritch powers which she suppresses.

Another girl is a kinda bossy girl with fire-powers. She is a bit like Blossom from the Powerpuff Girls if she had some of Buttercup's anger issues. She has a complex about always being too weak, which is why she is prone to succumbing to temptation and seek shortcuts to more power.

There's also a creepy mute "horror movie girl", with the psionic powers you'd expect from such a character. But she uses them for heroism instead of horrifying people. She still horrifies people because she's very intense, but she means well.

Dad used to be dormant for thousands of years while awaiting orders from his superiors who are long dead. One day a baby was left in his lap, which awakened his sensors. He slowly grew to love and care for that child, and she grew to see him as her dad. When she wanted siblings, he went out to find abandoned and misfit children and adopt them.

Because the technology for his energy-core is lost, he cannot recharge it, so he has to reserve what little he has left. Cthulhu-girl fixes him up as best as she can but there's only so much she can do.

[charlesoberonn]

One quiet day on the farm, the Little Red Hen found some wheat seeds and decided to make bread.

"Who will help me plant these seeds?" the Little Red Hen asked.

"I would." said the Horse "But I'm a workhorse, and I'm too busy moving carts around."

And so the Little Red Hen planted the seeds by herself. And they grew into bountiful golden crops.

"Who will help me harvest the wheat?" the Little Red Hen asked.

"I would." said the Dog "But I'm a guarddog, and I'm too busy keeping away burglars and predators."

And so the Little Red Hen harvested the wheat herself and made it into flour.

"Who will help me bake the flour?" the Little Red Hen asked.

"I would." said the Pig "But I'm a mother of 5 newborn piglets, and I'm too busy taking care of my young."

And so the Little Red Hen baked the bread herself into twenty beautiful loaves.

"Who will help me eat the bread?" the Little Red Hen asked.

"We would." said the Farm Animals. "But we're ashamed, for we didn't do anything to make the bread."

"Nonsense!" said the Little Red Hen. "You, Horse, helped move around the stones that built my oven. You, Dog, kept me safe while I worked. And you, Pig, are raising a new generation of Farm Animals, who will too contribute to our Farm one day. You've all helped me so much by simply being you."

"Besides," the Little Red Hen added. "I couldn't possibly eat all the loaves on my own, most of them would go to waste. Come, eat with me."

And so the Little Red Hen and the Farm Animals ate the bread together. And all saw their own, and each other's, worth.

[charlesoberonn]

Fantasy map-making tips:

Rivers love to split at random places. Make sure to include as many splitting rivers as possible.

Speaking of rivers, it's well known that rivers are unaffected by gravity and thus will flow uphill and ignore the terrain.

Mountain ranges are formed by a bored god doodling, and that god is you.

When you place a settlement or city, make sure it's got all of the essentials: A cool landmark it can be named after, a treacherous terrain to banish misfits to, and a source of enemies to threaten the population.

Borders before the industrial revolution were extremely rigid and well defined, so make sure your map reflects that.

A common mistake is trying to imagine underwater geographical features like mountains. But those things don't actually exist. The land is land and the sea is the sea and they have no relation to one another.

What about islands, then? Islands should be placed randomly, like the gods sprinkled some land on the sea.

No continent is complete without a massive forest that's a day's walk from frozen tundras to the north and a sandy hot desert to the south.

What climate could allow for such a combination? We're climate deniers here. Weather is to set the mood, not to design the map.

Don't forget to populate your map with many interesting cultures like: hippie people, working class people, cold barbarians, hot barbarians, and normal people.

Have fun!

[charlesoberonn]

I really don't like the "Nature pure and harmonious - Technology destructive and evil" dichotomy that exists in a lot of media.

Nature is extremely chaotic and is often cruel. Sometimes a giant rock falls out of the sky and kills 80% of everything.

Technology can be amazing and improve the lives of people and the rest of nature when implemented correctly.

[charlesoberonn]

"My name is Galloot, and I am the last Peripsian in the universe." the tall frog-like alien spoke with a voice much more roar-like than I expected from their amphibian physiology.

"We're sorry for your loss, Galloot." everybody else in the room spoke in unison.

There was an awkward silence before the slender and big-bellied Galloot sat back down. The chair refitted itself for their dimensions.

"Alrighty then, anybody else want to introduce themselves?" the cheery Proximan female asked, her four hands clasped in two pairs.

I looked through the group. Each of them a unique species. And not just unique in the room. It was hard to tell since not all of them had eyes, but I could feel everybody else was doing the same.

"I'll go." I said, then cleared my throat and gotten up. "My name is Saanvi, and I'm the last Human in the universe."

"We're sorry for your loss, Saanvi." the group said in unison.

I fell back and shrunk into my chair. I was not used to the attention, even if momentary.

"Welcome, everyone..." the Proximan fallicitator changed skin tones from a lime green like Galloot's to a deep warm brown close to my color. I wish I knew what it meant. But nobody in the universe besides the Proximan herself knew, nor ever could know.

"Welcome to Last of Their Kind support group."

[charlesoberonn]

Doing the accounting for the evil society that secretly rules the world from the shadows fucking sucks.

Every other item it's "you haven't gotten the right occult marking to know about this" or "the guy who made this purchase asked too many questions."

And you know that there's a second evil society that secretly rules the evil society from the shadows. And those guys never keep receipts.