#checkers-dance

[cry-stars]

62 for the fic writer game?

62: what’s the weirdest reason you’ve ever shipped something?

This will sound really bad, but I hope it's a sign of how I've grown as a person!

I shipped Kimblee/Envy initially because back then, I felt I wasn't "allowed" to ship anything gay because it was "wrong". Kimblee was my big interest initially, but he mostly interacted with other men, and I didn't like shipping him with Riza and especially not Winry since those were the only girls he interacted with.

I was rewatching different scenes and got so fixated on the scene with him and Envy. They had so much chemistry just in that short scene. Even though Kimblee was my first interest, Envy was also very interesting to me. And even though others refer to them as a boy in the show, they were so androgynous and shape-shifted into so many different people that I was pretty sure they weren't a boy, even if they weren't a girl. So I somehow made a loophole for myself because "Envy's not a boy so it's okay to ship them" and let myself get really into the ship in earnest.

I'm embarrassed that that was my thought process at the time, but I'm really grateful to Kimvy because they were my first queer ship that I ever wrote for and let myself fully indulge in without feeling guilty. Looking back now, I would do some things differently if I was going to write for them again, because I would want to show more respect for nonbinary identities. But at the same time, when I reread my old fics for them, I can see ideas and thoughts that I didn't understand at the time, but believe now, so even though the initial thought process was bad, I still stand by most of what I wrote.

One thing that I find interesting looking back is that I could've made it more het since Envy can shapeshift, but I got really fixated on how Envy created this ideal body for themself and felt most at home in it. Part of their fear I gave them was Kimblee discovering their "true form" and growing disgusted with them, but I wound up writing him learning about it and accepting it, and them both acknowledging Envy's preferred form as their actual "true" body without the "true form" mattering at all. It wound up being a trans allegory before I even understood trans stuff at all, and before I knew I was trans either. So I think it's so neat how they predicted things for me and helped me grow.

[ciaran]

13 - leo and alex

"You're such a goddamn pussy, man," Alex snarled. Half his words were muffled by the helmet; he ripped it off his head and tossed it aside, ignoring the clatter and crack of the visor snapping. "Such a fucking pussy!"

For once he knew what had happened back there, knew enough to get a grasp of what had happened. Sometimes he got a slideshow of a run weeks after the run itself, isolated pictures marching through his head, and sometimes it was just hours afterwards, and sometimes it was like now, a ringing frustration and the whole thing bright and clear as fucking day.

Leo was staggering out of the cockpit, brown hair plastered against his temples, dripping sweat. He took off his helmet first. Alex stalked forward, grabbing the straps of the suit and shoving Leo back. "What the fuck was that?" he yelled. "We almost had it, and then you had to go and fucking botch it up because you're always, fucking hell, always—"

A weak hand gripped Alex's wrist, but the voice that followed it was pure electrifying ice, like cold water dumped over Alex's head. "I saved you," he said, and then coughed, red flecks splattering against Alex's face and chest.

"Didn't need saving," Alex snapped. "Could've killed it. If you hadn't gotten your big-ass cow of a mech in the fucking way."

"Get your hands off me," Leo replied, weirdly calm, weirdly rough. There was a little blood on his lips. A little blood in the veins of his eyes. A kind of crazy that made Alex want to shout and shout and shout until it all came pouring out, except it never fucking did. Not with him, not with anyone. "Alex. Get your fucking hands off me."

And Alex must've been slow, must've been a little too caught-up in the way the whole hangar bay was paralyzed around him, like Leo had some insane fucking gravity that stepped on the throat of time at his whims, but Alex was choking. Took him a moment to realize that the hand on his throat was Leo's, took him another to figure out that the little bit of red was still just little and this was something else, something fucking else entirely, that was holding Alex down.

"How dare you?" Leo said, scraped-silk-scorn. "If you have such a fucking death wish, I'll give it to you right here. Not out there. Get it? Never out there, get it?"

Alex made a garbled sound. Leo's eyes widened, and everything went black. Black as black. And then Alex slumped, gasping.

"Shit," he heard Leo say. "Shit. Medic! Shit, shit, shit, Alex. come on man, I didn't mean that. Don't fucking die on me, I didn't mean all that."

"You did," Alex ground out, accusatory, and pretended like Leo's relieved exhale didn't float right into Alex's lungs, like that little hint of guilt had snuck in to soothe Alex's wounded pride. "You did."

"I didn't mean it like that," Leo said. He'd pulled Alex's head into his lap, was leaning over and around him. He stank of cockpit-goo and blood and sweat. Alex probably smelled the same. He didn't care.

"You did," he said, feeling reckless, feeling hazy. "And I meant to call you a pussy. Fair's fair, hey. Don't fucking get weepy, man, it's so embarrassing."

Leo shoved Alex off his lap. "You take over," he told the medic. "I'm outta here."

"Not so fast, young man, you need a medic too," the doctor yelled after his retreating back.

Alex laughed. It came out weird. "Coward."

[ciaran-archive]

I'll stick to just ur current blorbos

- kaeluc

- rosaria

- xiao

- zhongli (maybe? Idk if he fits into the category of blorbo)

- hu tao (maybe but way more uncertain than zhongli)

New additions

- ayato

- ajax

- yae (maybe?)

I feel like I've missed someone super obvs here

this is what it's like to have my crimes announced in the town square...

i think of like...“true” blorbos, who are interpretable, and then you have like the common variants (meow meow, scrunkly) Rosaria is definitely a scrunkly, but Diluc+Kaeya (do not separate!!), Ajax, and Ayato are true blorbos with some meow meow traits. Kaeya is a bit of a scrunkly and a meow meow (has the range)

Zhongli and Hu Tao are not exactly blorbos. i know what i think about them and it doesn't much change and i don't think about them too much outside of Xiao. on the other hand Xiao is definitely a meow meow scrunkly. he's small he's crazy he's whumpable. it is a direct assault on my brain chemistry.

Yae Miko is in a special subcategory of “woman who commits atrocities and has breakdowns unrelated to those atrocities” i love her abandonment issues and her ability to make Ayato cry ykwim? she's a meow meow though

[the-love-i-crave]

Ne dati sau nu ne dati

hai ca-ti dau, dar nu mai am dulcuri asa ca iti dau sarmale si mamaliga halloween fericit bestie <3

[cry-stars]

🌹

He should be happy that Komaeda is happy with Kamukura, especially when his dementia is getting so bad. But as Kamukura bends down, softly pressing a kiss to Komaeda’s lips, Hajime fails to choke back his selfish, stupid, ridiculous envy.

He can’t help but feel a little satisfaction when Kamukura sits back up, wiping away unbidden tears from their eyes. At least he has that little bit of power to make Kamukura slightly uncomfortable—as if anything makes Kamukura uncomfortable.

That feeling of satisfaction fades as he sees the tired delight on Komaeda’s face, and hears the quiet “Izuru” murmured so gently.

Even now, Komaeda always knows which one of them is with him. And even now, Kamukura is the one to make him smile.

[cry-stars]

#5 and #20 for the spotify wrapped game?

Number 5 is a song that I bumped into in Muse Dash, which is a rhythm game that I've played over 450 hours of (yikes!) One of my friends is a big fan of Misa Amane, and the song struck me so much as a Misa song that I listened to it a ton of times just to make sure it was an accurate Misa song before I shared it with them dfjkfdfhfkjd it's so catchy and fun to listen to as well!

And number 20 is yet another Sonic song haha... I listened to the album on repeat so many times, so where songs from this album show up on my wrapped is a little arbitrary because it depends on how many times it appeared when I shuffled the album.

[ciaran]

17 - lionspine

Leo was hiding something from Will; Will was sure of it. He’d checked the footage twice and gone over every one of their interactions from the past week. The evidence he’d gathered went as follows:

Normally, Leo only avoided the cameras on the base when he was mad at Will, and didn’t want Will to be able to see him. They hadn’t fought in two weeks, though, and Will had checked whether Leo was mad at him for something he didn’t know he’d done, and Leo wasn’t. And yet, he was avoiding the cameras. 

The routes he was avoiding being seen in ran from the smallcraft hangar at the ass-end of the base to Dean’s office, and then from Dean’s office to his own room, and from the kitchen to his own room, and from the kitchen to Dean’s room. And he’d taken those routes a lot recently.

How had Leo gotten so good at avoiding the cameras? When he did appear in them, he was holding something, but that something was always hidden by his body. Will disliked the reminder that Leo was letting Will see him; it was his base, and he’d kept Leo alive for so many years, which meant Leo had been able to keep everyone else alive. Leo belonged to Will. 

He also liked it. He liked that Leo trusted him so much he strolled around under Will’s gaze like he knew that he was always safe as long as Will was watching and WIll was always watching.

Leo had been very vague about what he was up to recently. He could talk circles around Will in his sleep, but Will was sharp, and knew bullshit when he saw it. And he loved Leo, loved him enough to admit for both of them that Leo was at least seventy percent bullshit by volume on a good day. And now that had risen to a solid ninety percent, and Will was getting irritated. If Leo didn’t fold when pressed, they fought, but Leo was neither folding nor arguing, and that was just not how it was supposed to be.

(Will wondered, half-habitually, if it had anything to do with Alex. He’d never seen the base’s ace pilot as a strong contender for Leo’s affection, but he still couldn’t help keeping a close eye on them, every moment they were together, just to make sure. Just to make sure.) 

(Because he knew Leo would die for Alex, and he wasn’t always sure Leo would die for Will. Maybe he was tired of having to be ready to die for people. Maybe he knew that between the two of them, Will was the needier one, and therefore the one who would be happy to die for the other.)

Leo had visited the city thrice in the last week. He could be as vague as he wanted, but Will had access to every record on the base, and knew precisely what to look for. The trips were a few hours long, and two of them had been conducted back to back.

(Secret girlfriend in the suburbs, an ugly part of Will’s mind whispered.)

(But no: if Leo was cheating, Will would have found evidence of it by now. Leo was smart, but not that smart.)

(Will had snooped through his phone, just to be sure, before Leo snatched it back and kissed the top of his head and asked, snide and cocky and so obnoxiously hot, “Found what you’re looking for?”)

Armed with the facts, Will knocked on Dean’s door and asked, “Do you have a moment?”

Dean was doing pushups. His metal arm turned into a metal shoulder, half a metal torso, and a machine heart. But it all worked together seamlessly, as graceful as the mechs the pilots flew. Will’s fingers ached. He’d wanted to be a pilot when he was a kid. He’d wanted it so badly. But his mother wouldn’t enroll him in the program no matter how much he begged.

“Sure,” Dean said. He rose to his feet and stretched. “What do you need, Will?”

The words failed him suddenly. It sounded so ridiculous. All the facts and faced with another person’s scrutiny there was only the squeaking bleat of Will’s dumbest animal brain. He couldn’t bring himself to say Leo’s name out loud in front of this man. He couldn’t even get the first letter out.

“Will?”

“Nothing,” Will muttered. He started to withdraw. “It’s… Nevermind. Nothing.” His cheeks felt red.

“Wait,” Dean said. “Isn’t it your birthday soon? Do you have plans?”

The question was so mystifying, Will almost forgot his embarrassment. Almost. “Why would I have plans for my birthday?” All that day was for him was his mother’s simpering facsimiles of joy and, later, watching Leo tirelessly organize parties for kids who’d be dead in a week and wishing, wishing, wishing he could do anything at all to ease that pain. Oh, he bought himself things, but he bought himself things anyway. There was no point singling out a day for it and pretending he was special.

Dean was staring at him. “Okay, then,” he said. “Anything else?”

“No,” Will said. “Sorry for bothering you.”

[ciaran]

21 - fyrdean at ur discretion

(set in the normal AU where Leo was doing sex work. Dean is a lawyer)

Most nights ended like this, but Fyrsil never got the hang of the hours between four and seven. The sun, if it bothered finding him, caught him sniffling blood on the rusted metal stairs at the back of the club, clutching a drainpipe for balance and shivering because a tight mesh top and a skirt made everyone want to fuck him but did nothing against the chilly pre-dawn air and the sun never bothered bringing him any warmth.

He wiped the blood off his nose and upper lip and wiped his hand on his skirt, already dusted with white and glitter. Sucked on the nib of the vape pen like it would bring him any inspiration. 

He only got a vision of white, a raw hunger for a little more snow to protect him from the cold.

At least he hadn’t lost his phone this time. He’d sucked off a bouncer for help finding it last time he’d dropped it somewhere partying, which was whatever, with his head in the clouds nothing could dent his mood. But the thought of doing that now made him ill. Except, except if someone dangled a bag under his nose right now he’d have done it anyway. 

Fyrsil didn’t cry, except when he was sad, and he was never sad. He’d been a happy kid and a happy teenager and a happy adult until that weird night in June when Dean started shouting at him and then he left and now it was always weird. And Fyrsil was never sad, except when he was sober, and these days he was never sober.

He was now. 

He pulled out his phone. Opened it. Stared at the wallpaper. One happy kid and another kid that hated the first for being happy. Bit his lip. Tasted salt and sweet and vomit. Felt a laugh bubble up from somewhere inside him, a shaken-soda-can laugh that started out fizzy and ended up exploding everywhere, just everywhere, and him with a dry throat afterwards and nothing to drink.

Stared at the phone. Stared at the phone. Stared at the phone.

The sun edged over the grey city skyline. It passed glowing approval over all the office buildings and banks and schools. But the metal staircase kept digging coldly into Fyrsil’s calves.

Make the call. Make the call. Make the call. Make the fucking—

“Dean?”