heart-pearl

i met my dreamer and he said, “you were a nightmare”

[ciaran]

hello; im carys/ciaran (either name is fine). im an adult, and i write fanfic sporadically on my ao3, intimatopia. asks welcome but responses not guaranteed. i love other places and other people.

below is my tag directory: approximate, unlinked, entirely for my own use

general: text, img, words, typo, art, fanart, video, audio, prose, poetry

oc things

*citycomet: triscore, natecore, trisnate, Francis, Viktor, Minnow, franvik (core added or not; it's whimsical)

*winterknights: eran/erancore, juderan

*v2: vaniviv, vivcore, vanicore, ivycore

*unnamed but highly developed pseudo-victorian transposition of a fantasy verse: Gavriel, Cinder, gavcin, gavrose, cinrose, lucycore, rosecore

*auralysis: Morgan, Aura/auracore, Camille, Charles, morcam, charcam, aurcam (other ships are simply tagged with their names i think)

*comatose machine: deancore, xancore, alexcore, leocore, willcore, lionspine, DeanXan, Fyrsil, fyrdean

individual tags: engraved, starseer, aunaves, dels, anthemisha/mishanthe, redspirit, moongrown

other theme tags: urban, twincore, night shift, natural history, cats, winter hymnal, days and dreams, loneliness, wolf code, marriageposting

[razielim]

imagine you're don abene for a second.

you encounter a secunit for the first time.

it saves your life in a situation where no one else would have been fast, strong, agile, and composed enough to do so.

your security team is immediately more alarmed by its presence than the attack that is obvious to you as the bigger issue at the moment

they insist it's dangerous and struggle to relax enough to take their weapons off of it

then a combatbot attacks your group

somehow this secunit, much smaller than the bot, unarmored, without any heavy weaponry on its person, manages to take it down. some real jaw-dropping action, all over in less than a minute

then it leaps into a room with two combatbots and not only survives, but it gets your unconscious friend out alive

then it immediately comes to your own rescue, disabling impressive combat armor

it then is dead-set on killing your attacker who is already immobilized and harmless

clearly this is an incredibly competent and dangerous and powerful person

then miki tells you that it IS rin and you finally put it together that not only is this person competent in the field, but it is also calling all its own shots and has truly come here all on its own and volunteered its services to help and protect you without needing to be asked or ordered

so this person is incredibly competent, dangerous, powerful, AND kind, AND fiercely protective, AND reassuring, AND intelligent, AND selfless

and it's still coming up with great ideas and still thinking proactively about how it's going to face down or distract another combatbot as though there's no doubt in the world that it, still bleeding heavily, still unarmored and barely armed, is ready for another round with a terrifying machine that appears to be nothing BUT armor and weapons

so you step forward to help treat its injuries

and it jerks back a step with the single most frightened face you've ever seen, as though you had lifted your arm to inflict pain and it was helpless to stop you

behind you, even miki can read the devastating expression that's breaking your heart and says "abene won't hurt you, secunit"

where did the fearsome fighter from moments ago disappear to?

who did this to it?

[razielim]

@marry-and-mirthful — #I can't stop thinking about how she must have like. reworked things in her head #in the time post the betrayal but pre the flinch #because oh ok. that's why they acted Like That. they were afraid it would realize they were working against the group #that's why they pointed weapons at it (even though it was just helping) and said it was untrustworthy (...look at it) #they were scared because THEY were the bad guys #and then. then. then it flinches away from her and then __freezes__ #and things are broken again. because it expects HER to hurt it. not the fuckers who were working against it. her #her who it saved. her who it got So So So hurt protecting #and. that has Implications. #and then Miki.....and she SEES IT from its eyes #so she KNOWS it wasn't killed no matter what it looks like (did it set it up to look like it died? why?) #and then everyone she tells says SHE WAS LUCKY it was dragged into space #because it is Dangerous and oh God you were basically Alone With It and are you sure you are not injured and #and people are talking like it is half weapon and half radioactive waste #and the flinch makes sense. the reactions make sense again. this wonderful person who (DID NOT) die for her #has been treated like __this__ for its entire existence. no wonder it was scared. she learns that this one was clearly not under control #and that is considered DANGEROUS. that it being free to act as it wills is worth ringing all the alarm bells and destroying it #in as fast and brutal a way as is possible. that its existence is literally the stuff of horror stories #it saved her. it got all but torn to shreds for them for seemingly no reason except that they were in danger #people talk about how much you have to restrain them to successfully take them apart for “Decommission'

yeah. okay. ouch. i deserved that. fair's fair hurting me like this after i've hurt a thousand others and counting. this part especially ow ow ow:

#and things are broken again. because it expects HER to hurt it. not the fuckers who were working against it. her #her who it saved. her who it got So So So hurt protecting

[valtsv]

please don't take this as me trying to sound ungrateful but you're being kind of irritatingly machievallian about this whole self-sacrifice scheme

[haruchonns]

 The Mermaid and the Red Candles (赤い蝋燭の人魚/Akai Rosoku to Ningyo) by Mimei Ogawa illustration by Komako Sakai

[guiltfactory]

i would like if something horrible and invasive was happening to him and his boundaries were violated and he was uncomfortable and scared

[ciaran]

it's weird to say this but I've never been ghosted and I'm not sure it's a real phenomenon. it honestly feels like people are making it up

[ciaran]

tbc I'm not saying it isn't real. it just intuitively does not strike me as... concrete... in what it's referring to? because one uses it to talk about people they're supposedly dating, or talking to on a dating app non-exclusively, or friends, but these are all different kinds of commitment to another person. i don't know that the same discrete phenomenon can show up in equally painful ways in all of these situations? but i guess I'm open to people telling me otherwise

[ciaran]

it's weird to say this but I've never been ghosted and I'm not sure it's a real phenomenon. it honestly feels like people are making it up

[neest]

[ciaran]

i like when characters are ... devastated and sad and hopelessly against themselves but they also insist that they are happy; this is happiness; it is all of this which is the most true shape of joy. was listening to turn the record over. it's the happy you make for someone else to smile at you and not worry. the happy like a plant you buy and bury and water even though you know it's going to die it's dying the roots will never take. the happy of a plastic plant in real soil given real water. my happy for you

[ciaran]

oz is like um i love my daddy who ive never met and my mommy that ive never met. i feel crippled by an invisible burden of guilt ive borne for longer than i can remember and i feel remorse towards those that love me i was born in a black void all alone and if you cut me open the stuffing falls out. i am this guy who's dead oh wait i'm this girl i'm in love with can i crawl into gilbert nightray's veins and sleep in his stomach and i (said with a really beautiful smile) hope i die soon

[ciaran]

its my blog nd i dont owe you paragraph breaks. or punctuation

[stlamb]

[ciaran]

gilbert being a soggy genuinely hapless failure and also an alluring and fatally attractive princess is just so important. hes never done anything right in his life and he hates himself violently and everyone LOVES him. everyone who looks at him wants to kiss his cheeks and cuddle into him and annoy him and make love to him. and he continues to loathe himself undeterred

[ciaran]

the other thing that i think about gilvince (apart from vincent's insane energy of having been deeply harmed as a small child. which i also think about a lot). is the sense of just how much gilbert's umm desired role vis a vis other people is protecting them, taking care of them, being whatever they need. he overflows with love and care. and yet at so many turns he's denied any real success in this endeavour. sure, some of the people he cares about (oz, break, alice...elliot) feel this care manifest in their life. but in terms of the big stuff gilbert's kind of a failure? it's not like he gets right any of the stuff that he wanted to get right. he wanted to be good from the start and make it so that oz never had to be alone but oz manages to be so lonely anyway. and then there's something about the way pandora hearts plays around with this idea of the contractor and chain, masters and valets, lords and servants, blade-swingers and sacrificial animals. and the confusion of these roles. it's kind of insanely poignant that gilbert THROWS himself into being a servant and valet but then it turns out that he was actually meant to be the other thing. he was meant to be the contractor, the master, the lord of the baskervilles, the blade-swinger. he runs so hard from that role. he forgets and forgets and tries to remake himself in the vision of the thing he most wanted to protect but it's all kind of tied together, it's not like there's anything inherent in anyone that predisposes them to one or the other. and in a way it's about responsibility. gilbert wants to protect, but he doesn't want to lead. oz also tries not to lead but he can't help that people follow him because they think he's someone he's not and he was never born to lead in that sense, not like gilbert was. oz was born to protect. but they have to give those things up. it's just that do you ever think jack looked at vince and gilbert and saw lacie and glen? or were they too different? did he kind of think there's something here, like a shadow, or an imprint. lacie's chaos and nihilism and vince's amorality. glen's resignation and gilbert's broken-hearted care. it's just kind of crazy that there are little siblings who smile at the thought of being so violently abandoned and destroyed and unmade by their older brothers. little siblings who are evidence of their elder brothers' iniquities. you have to take care of your mistakes - it's all gilbert ever wanted to do. tried to take care of all his mistakes and always failed. because failing to be one thing is proof of being another. because gilbert was never meant to be so good. he was meant to be brutal, to inherit generations of memories and kill his baby brother and forget himself. there's a desperation in him that drips off of him at every moment. he wants so badly to keep loving. it's the one thing they would NEVER let him have. and he fails so hard at it. at loving and at not loving. and the first person he ever loved in his life wants to write himself out of existence. we are all so fucked.

[ghiblin]

POM POKO 平成狸合戦ぽんぽこ 1994, dir. Isao Takahata

[ciaran]

there is a permanence to the tumblr post that my soul recoils from. but there is also a sadness in the sound of pulling heaven down by blue october that makes it hurt to even look at the name of the song or scroll past it. and listening to chinatown after mary on a cross feels really good by contrast. i will search for yellow lights tomorrow

[fuckrozanov]

the worst writing crime you can ever commit in my opinion is watering down the dirty talk because you’re self-conscious that it sounds like it’s from a bad porno…..i cannot stress this enough……leave it alone. the moment you tell yourself he would not fucking say that you’re doomed. people will say almost anything if their dick is hard enough