#checkplease headcanon

[clint-ftm-barton]

Holster and bitty have made out while drunk and someone on the team took a video and jack and ransom cry over it with each other sometimes

[not-the-very-button]

So. It’s head canon time again.

I have not seen nearly enough Johnny Weir content in this fandom and I intend to rectify that. Cause you better BELIEVE young, queer baby, figure skater Eric Richard Bittle would have lost his shit over Johnny Weir. Johnny Weir came out in 2011 when Bitty would have been about 15 and like. You know that boy cried. Especially after all the shit Weir put up with in regards to speculation about his gender and sexuality.  He has a framed, signed Johnny Weir poster still hanging up in his childhood bedroom and loudly tells the story of how he came into possession of that poster to anyone who will listen— mostly when he’s drunk. It isn’t a very interesting story. He won it in a fan contest.

Now fast forward to after Jack has publicly come out and imagine that he and Bitty are on a date somewhere, maybe at a bar or a restaurant, and Johnny Weir walks in the door. So, of course, Bitty loses his goddamn mind like:

“Holy shit. Holy shit. Jack, Jaaaaaaaack.”

“What? What’s wrong?”

“Good lord, pinch me, I’m pretty damn sure that’s Johnny Weir who just walked in!”

“… Ehh, who?”

To be fair, Jack had a lot going on during Weir’s rise to fame (what with juniors and then the OD and then the getting-his-life-back-together stuff) and he never really followed figure skating all that closely (or at all). But Jack is pretty sure he just broke Bitty because he is giving Jack this wide-eyed, rattled sort of stare and he just—

“Who is Johnny Weir? You don’t know how Johnny Weir is?”

“No???” This is the wrong answer.

“Jack. Johnny Weir is THE pop culture icon – the Beyoncé, if you will – of men’s figure skating, and you know I don’t make that kind of comparison lightly. You not knowing who Johnny Weir is…That’s like if Sidney Crosby walked in right now and I went ‘Hey, Jack. Who’s that guy over there who stole your ass?’ That’s like – that’s like if –“

“Like if your boyfriend’s dad was Bob Zimmermann and you had to google him when you found out?”

“Shut up! That was different!”

“How was that different, Bittle?”

“Well… well… you don’t say ‘pecan’ right!”

“We are not having this discussion again.”

Because all of Jack and Bitty’s arguments somehow work their way back to the pronunciation of ‘pecan.’

And when Johnny Weir starts walking over, Bitty maybe hyperventilates just a little because I mean, it’s his childhood idol and he’s sitting here with his queer NHL star boyfriend and HOW did his life BECOME like this? Johnny says hi and introduces himself (Bittle is trying so hard to keep it together) and mentions how happy he was for Jack when he came out. Maybe they have a short chat about that kind of thing, how even in this day and age it’s hard to be a publicly queer athlete. Jack carefully avoids having to know anything about Weir’s career, to Bitty’s gratitude, and casually mentions that his boyfriend (he still relishes in getting to use the term) Eric here used to skate in the juniors.

Bitty actually gets to have a conversation with Johnny Weir about figure skating and manages to stay moderately cool under pressure and truly his entire existence is a surreal simulation. Eventually Weir leaves to go re-join his own party and throughout the rest of the night Bitty will just periodically stop in his tracks and turn to Jack and whisper:

“We just met Johnny Weir.”

“Yes, Bitty.”

“Johnny Weir knows who my boyfriend is. Johnny Weir knows my name.”

“Yes, I know Bitty. I was there.”

“Jack – Johnny Weir.”

“I’m gonna start reading pecan pie recipes off my phone if you don’t cut it out.”