I think they should let me on a reality cooking show just once because I am so unbelievably atrocious in the kitchen. Put me in with the other chefs. Don't tell the judges. Don't tell the other contestants. Just me, my ability to unfathomably screw up in the kitchen, and whatever happens. If my hubris has not convinced you, please refer to this partial list of my previous cooking adventures:
- breaking our toaster in such a way that anything you put in the right side would catch on fire. We have since gotten a new toaster, but no one uses the right side out of fear habit
- breaking no fewer than 3 microwaves
- burning myself using a Keurig
- setting the kitchen on fire that one time
- just straight up leaving after setting the kitchen on fire that one time
- setting the kitchen on fire that one time via microwave
- I am not allowed to use other people's kitchen appliances
- one time my parents were like "okay the kids are old enough and someone hasn't broken any microwaves recently. Let's have each of them cook dinner for everyone once a month"
- I went first and made French toast. I have since then never been asked to make dinner for everyone
- after the French Toast Incident, you can't use our griddle without the vague taste of maple syrup permeating everything
- being asked on multiple occasions to leave the kitchen
- cooking with friends and, since I'm not allowed to use or touch other people's kitchen appliances, they had me peel the garlic
- said friends wouldn't let me chop anything either because they didn't think I could do that without managing to hurt myself on accident
- I cut my finger on the garlic
