So you went to bed with your warm cover and whiskey to ease in the sleep.
There were no nightmares, or worries in your dreams, but when you woke up you noticed you hadn’t slept that well. Nor that much actually, since it was 10 am and you had gone to sleep at like 6am.
You showered, long and scorching hot, and did your usual makeup. With clothes you couldn’t bother for anything tight today. So you went with a pair of baggy jeans and a loose top. It might not look the greatest, but you weren’t up for it today. There were no customers planned, so you’d just be up for hanging downstairs and waiting to see if anyone stepped in. The peace and quiet would be nice.
With care, you tiptoed downstairs, and you weren’t sure whether you were sad or relieved to find the couch empty as much as the rest of the room. Nothing seemed touched, so he mustn’t have come here today.
Down in the shop, you found it just as empty as your house upstairs. And it suddenly felt quiet. You turned up the music and grabbed a half empty sketchbook and doodled around a bit. Nothing really seemed to work, everything turned out…not how you wanted. Slowly, you flipped back through the pages, first finding drawings of Kyungsoo, then Jongdae, Baekhyun, Jongin, all your friends, even Minseok was in this one. You smiled lightly, and cursed yourself for thinking the way you did.
This wasn’t the same, and you’d prove it to yourself. History doesn’t repeat itself, ever.
So you decided to go clean your place a bit, the little tubes of paint and the tattoo guns. The chairs, floor. Three hours later the place looked better than it had before, even though you weren’t a really clean person.
That’s when the door opened, and a rush of cold flooded into your shop, it wrapped around your ankles and stilled you in your movements. How you knew you weren’t sure, but you knew it was him. And when you turned around you gasped at the sight of him, not that there was something to him, apart from the scrape on his jaw. It was just the realisation that he’d returned.
“Kyungsoo.” You breathed.
“Upstairs.” He stated, giving you a look that gave you all the wrong chills. There was something emotionless about his face, the way his jaw was set. His arms crossed over his chest as he took a step closer and you found yourself stepping back. But you kept your face straight, show no fear, have no fear. “Angel.” Your name came like a growl from his lips, menacing.
So you found yourself, stepping backwards, like a scared animal not wanting to turn your back on the predator. He turned the little label on the door to closed, and followed you slowly. You had to turn on the stairs, but he made no intent of getting within 4 steps of you, he trailed behind on your pace.
Your heart was hammering in your chest by the time you reached upstairs and walked into the living room. That’s when he switched. He took two long strides, deep steps that made a loud noise on the floor.
Out of reflex you tried to move away, but he cut you of and used his force to practically slam you into the counter. The marble collided with your back and hipbones and you wanted to make a noise but you swallowed it as he pressed his chest against yours. He looked down on you for as he could, and you tried to keep yourself big. His eyes didn’t flicker, there was rage, and his breaths were deep and controlled as they fanned your face.
“You’re such a hypocrite.” He snarled, almost as if baring his teeth. “All that fucking bullshit, about me not prying into your life. About me fucking needing to leave it along. You’re keeping shit from me, and it’s big, I can fucking smell it!” his voice raised like someone was slowly turning up the volume and all the hairs on your body were standing up with tension. “But you can’t even, for one fucking time, keep your god damned nose out of my business!”
You swallowed, face still straight, but no words formed from your lips.
“At this point I don’t fucking care what your dumb excuse is. You crossed the fucking line! We agreed to this! To not pry! Because YOU wanted it! YOU with your secrets and your lies and whatever it is, that’s going on with Xiumin!” His breathing picked up even more.
“I’m sorry.” You said lowly.
“Sorry? You’re sorry?”
“Yes.”
“Oh fuck it Angel! As if your sorry is going to change anything!”
You reached up to touch his arm, and his hand came up quickly to grab your wrist so tight you gritted your teeth, and he did the same to the other. Keeping them by your side.
“Tell me, right here. What did you do to Lay?” his voice had gone so deep you barely recognised it as his. “What the fuck was it?!” he shook you, and your hands strained against the grip on your wrist, fingertips practically going numb. “Did you screw him over?! Broke a promise like ours?!”
You shook your head. “This has no-“
“This has EVERYTHING to do with that! Because I want to know. Just as much as you wanted to know what I was doing. And you didn’t even have the nerve to ASK!” he yelled. “And here you stand, with you fucking face straight, as if this does nothing to you.”
“You’re mad.” You said.
“You’re right I’m mad! You had no reason to do that! God I should’ve known you’d come after me.” He was shaking with rage, and you found the whole situation a little blown up. You had no idea why this enraged him like this. To the point where he might break your wrists.
“I was involved in the death of his friend.”
“What?” he snapped, and he pulled your wrist, pressing you against the counter till it hurt. “You kill people now?! What else have you not told me?!”
“Kyungsoo.”
“Don’t Kyungsoo me! Answer me!”
You kept your mouth shut firmly, afraid of what he’d do. You tried to see what he was hiding beneath this anger, because anger was a cover up emotion. It was fake, you were sure of it.
“Answer me!” he yelled, shaking you again, and your elbow toppled over a glass from the sink, it fell to pieces next to your feet. “ANGEL!”
Then he chuckled, rolled his eyes. “What am I even thinking, right, trying to get something out of a person like you. Your mask is glued to your face, you can’t take it off. You can’t show remorse, or anything at all. It’s all for your own gain. I should’ve listened to Xiumin, he warned me about you. You rogues are all the same disgusting shits.”
The joint in your wrist strained against his grip, and you finally dropped. Tears in the corners of your eyes, you whispered something you never thought you’d do. “Kyungsoo, you’re hurting me.”
“Ha?”
“You’re hurting me.” You whispered, and you searched his eyes for any sign of regret, or anything beside anger. It was like his facade cracked just as yours had, the anger sipped away into something you recognised as embarrassment, regret, and sadness.
He dropped your wrists and you immediately were 5 steps away from him, holding your hands against your chest. “Stop.” You said, when he tried to come closer. You pointed at him like he had yesterday. “Don’t fucking get any closer.”
Kyungsoo reached out for you and you stepped far far away.
“Don’t fucking touch me.” You snarled, angry now. “If you get any closer I’m taking you down, I won’t hesitate.”
“You’re afraid.”
“You could’ve broken my wrists!”
He didn’t speak, he looked like a kicked puppy.
“You don’t get it do you? If you hadn’t fucking screamed at me, slammed me into the fucking counter, I could’ve explained!” you said loudly. He flinched at the harshness of your barely raised voice, his hands hanging limp by his side.
Your own wrists were throbbing, bruises blooming quicker than you’d expected. “I was there to help you. I didn’t fucking follow you to come there and scold you, or get angry at you, or whatever you think I was there to do. I want to help you, I was SCARED for you, I was WORRIED.”
“You can’t help me.” He whispered, and you maybe overstepped after that.
“I wanted nothing more than to get in there, and get you out. I saw what that man can do. But you’re stupid enough to throw your own life over the line because you’re angry? What the fuck Kyungsoo?”
He bit his lip and shot you a glare that was halfhearted.
“What kind of sick thing…Are you trying to get killed? CAGE FIGHTING? Those bruises, everything, I was so mad and Xiumin, for THIS?! Are you that stupid?!” you raised your hand to rub your forehead, but every movement hurt, and you let out a high pitched whine in the back of your throat. So you shuffled over to the sink and ran your wrists under cold water, every movement hurt.
He stepped closer, you saw him in the corner of your eyes.
“If you take one more fucking step towards me, I swear to God Kyungsoo I will make you regret it.” You snarled again. “Don’t come near me.”
The rate with which he had backed down surprised you actually. He’d gone from raging anger to silent remorse. “Y/n.” He mumbled, saying your name for the first time that day.
“No, don’t even dare. I wanted to help you, but at this point, I’m not sure if I still do.” You stated, but you felt in yourself it was a lie. It was followed by guilt.
A soft thud followed and you didn’t even look back to what happened, the room was silent after that. And your anger slowly calmed down as the cool water helped ease the ache in your wrists. The bruises were blue and purple, like rings, like shackles. It made you sick to your stomach, and acid bubbled up in your throat. You swallowed it down.
That’s when you heard it, soft sniffled behind you. You thought you might’ve been imagining it at first, but after a few minutes you realised your weren’t. So you turned around and found him sitting against the side of the kitchen island. He was hunched over with his knees pulled up to his chest, head down and hands in his hair. His frame trembled and a sob so suddenly escaped him that he almost bumped his head.
It was a heart wrenching image, no matter what he’d just done to you. A voice in the back of your mind told you to stop, to not do this. But you couldn’t. So you knelt down beside him, wrists and hands still wet, and lightly touched him. As if you were afraid. He jumped at your touch, and looked at you with wide yes, almost leaning away.
You scanned his face, tear streaks running down his cheeks, scratches in his neck from his own hands. He dropped his hands, and sniffled, lips parted. Lips you’d come to love, eyes you’d learnt to read, and cheeks you’d wanted to kiss. You reached out again, and ran hand through his hair. “Talk to me.” You said.
More tears made their way down and he leant his head back forward, as if trying to shield you. There was so much regret in this, grief, he was hiding something. And it was so deeply pushed away that it was threatening to spill over. Or maybe it already had.
There was something inside you that told you you shouldn’t bring him close. To keep him out while you still could, while you could still escape. There were alarm bells ringing everywhere in your head. But your heart was leading, and you wrapped your arms around him and pulled him towards you.
One of his arms slowly came up and around your waist, and you flinched when he accidentally pressed against the spot where you’d collided with the counter. But you let him, his hand resting on your hip as he dropped his knees and somewhat pressed his cheek against your chest. He was shaking, skin flushed but seemingly cold.
So you shushed him and soothingly ran your fingers through his hair till you found him still and laying on the floor with his head in your lap. There you were, on the kitchen floor, bruised, with Kyungsoo broken in your arms. What a pair you were.
“Talk to me.” You said again, as your fingers had by now pulled every knot from his hair and it was soft to the touch. His face was facing away from you, and he played with a thread on a tear in your jeans. Absentmindedly following the seams of the patched stitched on, sending a pleasant tingle up and down your spine. His breathing had evened out, but he still wasn’t talking. It bothered you. “Kyungsoo, I need you, to please, talk to me.”
His breath was warm against your thigh. “I’m sorry.” His voice was hoarse from the crying and you nodded slowly at his answer. “I’m so sorry.” He turned over to look up at you, and reached for the hand that was now on his stomach. At first he played with your fingers, looking up at the ceiling while you studied his features. Soft, and you touched his cheek lightly, brushing over the skin. He pulled your hand closer softly, the contrast with earlier was so stark, like you were made out of fine china now. Something in his eyes changed as he saw your wrists up close, the bruising. But you also noticed your old scars, like white ribbons standing out against the blue. They were barely visible normally and he probably hadn’t noticed until now. The rough rub of his calloused finger stung against the sore skin and he immediately stopped when you hissed.
Within a second he was up and wanted to move away, but you caught him around his waist and pulled him back. He didn’t resist, as you pressed his back against your chest and rested your chin on his shoulder. “Don’t, please.” He almost begged you, but you didn’t let you. With your arms tightly wrapped around his waist you kept him close, and you pressed your nose against his neck, inhaled his scent. He smelled like rain, and outdoors, and something earthy, refreshing. You’d grown accustomed to it, it had pulled into your sheets and pillows. Become familiar and something you loved.
He shivered as you kissed his neck, once, twice. “Y/n.” His voice was still broken, and he took your hand in his, examining your wrists. “What are these?”
You thought about your answer, and you didn’t want to lie to him, but you didn’t want to tell him. Not this, not yet. “Shackles from the past.” You said, lips moving against his skin.
“Someone did this to you.” He breathed, and lifted your hand to his lips to kiss your knuckles one by one. “It’s okay, you don’t have to tell me. I’m sorry. I…I don’t know what happened to me.”
“You were angry.” You said.
“Yes.”
“You can’t control it.”
“I wish I could.”
You touched his cheek to make him look at you. “Let me help you.”
He looked at you searched your eyes still. “How? I’m only going to hurt you, I already did.”
There was a piece of you that said he did, that it was wrong, but…you never expected it to wreck him like that. “I…I want to say it’s okay, but it’s not. But it’s alright, we’ll find a way. I want to try, but I need you to let me in.”
He sighed. “I don’t want to be like this, I don’t want to hurt you. But I knew in the back of my mind that it would happen.”
“How?”
“I’ve always been like this.”
“Always?”
“For a long time.”
Something came back to you, something he’d said. “You said, a while back, that you’d never been with someone before, right?”
He nodded.
“On purpose?”
He nodded again.
You kissed his lips. “I know I might be, looking for things that aren’t there. Because I know that…whatever this is between us can’t fix this, I mean it won’t go away. But we can try to work with it, and see how far we get.”
There was a spark of hope in his eyes, a small smile tugging at the corners of his lips. “You think so?”
“I think…I’m not accusing you okay? But it’s not…alcohol related, or drugs, it’s something else. And right now I’m okay with you not telling me, but at some point, for this to work you understand that you’ll have to tell me whats going on. For me to be able to help you through this.”
He stared at you, and leant forward, kissing you, a soft peck. “I’ll promise if you promise me something.”
You cocked your head to the side, and he turned in your grasp. His legs slipped under yours, pushing them up, until you were sitting intertwined on the floor. Your hands on his biceps, his hands came up to cup your cheeks with a deep deep breath. “What is it?” you asked, drawing light soothing circles.
“If I ever, no matter the circumstances, hurt you again. No matter how small it is, I don’t care. If I hurt you again, please leave me.” He asked, tears in his eyes again. “Because I can’t stomach the thought of hurting you, of anyone hurting you, but especially me. It scares me.”
“I promise.” You said, without a doubt. “But you’re not going to hurt me again.”
“How can you be so sure?”
You smiled and ran your hands up from his arms, brushing over the bandage there, pulling him in and connecting your lips to his. It was soft and sort of like how he’d kissed you after you fought with Minseok, but this was more…loaded. It was just your lips moving against each other, and his hand coming to your sides to pull you closer to him. Chest’s pressed against each other and hands resting in comfortable places. Soft kisses and little nips that you smile into it, as you wound a hand in his hair and he moved his hand down your back to dip his fingers under your shirt.
With a soft hitch of your breath you moved away from his touch when he reached the sore spots. And he stilled in your grasp. So you kissed him again. “It’s alright.” You whispered against his lips. He tentatively moved his hands further up your back and you nodded with a smile, kissing him more.
He was hesitant, with everything, but he followed you almost pliantly. So you deepened the kiss a little, licking along the seem of his lips and waiting for him to react and part his lips.
There was something tingling in the pit of your stomach, warm and soft. And your whole skin seemed to be covered in goosebumps everywhere he touched you. Under your shirt, the edge of your shoulder blades, your ribs, his lips against yours. Your fingers in his hair, his neck, down his ribs and making him shiver for you.
How long you sat there, you didn’t know. But neither of you showed intentions of moving from the cold wooden floor.
“Angel.” He whispered against your mouth.
“Hmm.” You hummed, detaching your lips from his and kissing along his jaw, to his neck. His pulse was going so fast, maybe faster than it had earlier, but more steady.
“I don’t think we.”
“Shh.” You moved from his grasp and stood up, taking his hand so he’d follow your lead. He got up looking at you with affection, but also a bit of fear. So you kissed him again, leaning up, cupping his cheeks. “It’s okay.”
He placed his hands on your hips with shaky fingers and drew you in close ever so slowly. You didn’t think you’d ever smile this much while kissing someone. You didn’t think you’d ever kiss someone this slowly, this…lovingly.
You took his hand in yours again, breaking the kiss, giving him a peck. So intertwined your fingers and pulled him along the living room to the stairs. Each step you took, he silently followed, his breath quick and even. When you reached the top of the stairs you turned around, but you didn’t let go of his hand.
But you did kiss him, being level with him now one step lower. It was languid and it was almost like his tongue found parts of you he hadn’t found before. It was searching for all those little spots that made you squirm, also as he had both hands flat on your upper back. Fingers spread out and warm, pressing, as your hands were on his shoulders.
You made out on the top of the stairs for quite some time, and you found yourself lifted carefully and pressed against the wall. His teeth grazing the skin of your neck softly, not to bruise or mark. It was a toe curling sensation, his head down by your shoulder and your fingers curling tightly in his hair. He mumbled incoherent words on your skin as he found your lips again.
With a light chuckle you wanted to move to the bedroom, but he wasn’t budging from where he held you against the wall. “Are we going to make out at the top of the stair for the rest of the evening?” you quirked an eyebrow and looked at him.
He didn’t smile back at you though. “I don’t think I…”
“Are you afraid?” you said, cupping his cheek.
“I’m not sure.”
“Kyungsoo.” You said, touching your nose to his. “There’s nothing to be afraid of, I promise.”
There was a bit of hesitation from him, but you kissed is away, clumsily guiding him into the bedroom and towards the bed. You slowly slipped your fingers under his shirt, sliding them up over his chest to feel every ridge under your fingers. His breathing stocked and he looked at you, lifted his arms when you pulled off his shirt. You leant down to kiss his chest, and one of his hands tangled in your hair now, cupping the back of your head. As you slowly kissed down his chest, teeth grazing over a nipple in a way that made him throw back his head, and then all the way down to where you unbuttoned his jeans.
He pulled you back up to kiss you, it was like neither of you could breathe without it. It was so unrushed, but also needy in a way that you both kept each other close. Chest pressed together, you almost standing on his toes, your hands pressed between you two where you could revel over his skin. Over the bruises from yesterday, and you reached up to brush against the scrape on his face.
It made him pull back and look at you, silently. “If you want to stop, tell me. Okay?” you whispered, as if nobody else could hear but him. He frowned but nodded, gliding his hands on your back up, up, up till your shirt was off. And he could dip down to kiss your collarbone, tongue peaking out to taste the skin, one hand under your breast. His thumb brushed over your nipple and your back arched, it made you feel the sting, but you didn’t care at this point.
“You’re so beautiful,” he whispered in your ear, and the nuzzling your cheek. “Don’t go.”
You chuckled softly and ran a hand down his back until your fingers were under the waistband of his jeans. “I’m not going anywhere.”
He helped you from there, slipping of his jeans, slipping off yours, until you both found yourself in your underwear under the sheets. Skin pressed to skin, kissing each other, kissing every piece of skin you find. Nothing was left untouched, and small moans were forming in the back of your throat as he had his mouth was latched around one of your nipples.
It was the first time really, that he’d hovered over you and taken in your body. Taken the time to appreciate it and find all the little marks and kiss them. He’d trailed his hand up the almost invisible scar on your side, and looked at you with remorse He’d found thin scars on your back that he traced with his fingers, the bullet scars he’d kissed, the cut he’d traced with his tongue. You’d traced the patterns of his sleeves, the tattoos on his chest, and he’d done the same. The stag tattoo on your thigh, the roses on your hip, every one of them. Even each tattoo on each finger.
The curtains were wide open, and nobody would see, but the light from outside was slowly fading into the night. How much time had passed, you didn’t know, you frankly didn’t care.
He shifted his weight and suddenly squeezed his eyes shut in pain, his shoulder. You reached under you, slipping your panties off and pushed him to sit up. “Turn.” You mumbled against his lips, as you guided him to sit back against the headboard. There was something about having the rough skin of his hands all splayed our over your back that you loved. Only a light pressure to keep you so so close, as his tongue moved against yours.
It might’ve sounded cheesy, but at that moment, sitting in his lap, it felt like your hearts beat almost in sync. As you nipples dragged over his skin, and you felt his abdominal muscles clench and unclench. So again, you kissed down his chest, and he leant his head back against the headboard, sighing deeply. You felt the tension seep from his body as you got lower. So you hooked your fingers in the waistband of his boxers and dragged them down his legs till they were off.
He impatiently hooked his hand under your arm to pull you back, and you kind of swatted him away and ran your hands up his legs. Massaging the muscles, and inching up over his hipbones, up his waist. Before you came back up to him, you kissed his tip, once, and he let out the most strangled moan you’d heard him give. You smiled and came back up, to kiss his exposed throat and neck. He was hard, pressed between the two of you, and with every shift of your hips he moaned.
You noticed something, and kissed his cheek. “You took your piercings out?”
He frowned, shifted his hips, “Fighting, it’s dangerous.”
But he’d kept his face piercings in, although you understood it. It was good, it would be easy, it would be new. And you reached down to lightly wrap your hand around his member, stroking up a few times. He groaned, head falling back again, a gorgeous sight.
You reached to the side for the nightstand where there was by now a half empty box of condoms, and fished one out while he kept a hand on your waist to steady you. He pulled you back, kissed you, bit your lip. Touched your skin and set it on fire with every brush. You rolled the condom onto him, slowly, and he watched your face with a silent emotion that was tensing between the two of you since the first kiss of that day. Something neither of you wanted to speak in fear of loosing it.
With a hum in the back of your throat you leant up on your knees, and one of his hands came down under your ass to support you a little, the other splayed over your side. You grabbed it, intertwining your fingers and pushing them over so you could lean on the headboard. With one hand you’d steadied him, and then slowly inched down. Slowly, feeling every inch go smoothly and sending waves of electricity up your spine. Goosebumps on his skin, and he was biting his lip to be quiet until you bottomed out and he moaned deeply in his chest. It rumbled against your body and you moaned in return.
There was no haste, you sat there, pressed against each other, not even moving all that much. But each movement elicited small moans, or whines from either of you. As you let him lean you back with one hand, arching your back so you sought support on his thigh, he attached his mouth to your breasts again. Kissing, sucking, nibbling, and with each tension of your body his moans sent little vibrations up your skin.
But you’d come back to him, leaning your forehead against his and you ground you hips down slowly. You moaned in unison, drowning each other out with a kiss as you kept doing that. Back and forth, circles turning into figure eights, creating a type of friction that was so unknown to either of you that you sometimes just stopped in order to come down a little and drag everything out.
Like this, so slowly, you felt him twitch inside of you, and it made your stomach clench. He buried his face into the crook of your neck, hot breath fanning out over your clammy skin. Sweat from both of you easing the slide of your body’s little movement.
All this time your hands were still intertwined, as he kissed your neck. Both of your moans pitched and became louder and you knew you were both close, neither of you wanting to keep dragging this out. So he leant back a little, looking straight into your eyes as he suddenly bucked his hips up into yours. You moaned at the feeling, and it sent you toppling forward into his chest. He caught you as you did, and held you close. His mouth easily found yours as he added to your slow grind. You shamelessly groaned into each other mouths as you felt yourself reach higher, and he felt it too, as he reached for your thigh and pushed them apart a little further. Just so he sank that little bit deeper and you whined, clenching your teeth.
Kyungsoo came first, pressing his eyes closed, hiding his face again in the crook of your neck. It was silent but you felt it in every inch of his body. The feeling of him pulsing inside of you sent you over the edge. And you let out a moan high pitched so that your voice broke off at the end. You shuddered and then fell relaxed against his chest.
Neither of you wanted to move, but you knew you had to. He hummed something into your skin that tickled and made you smile, and you ran a hand through his now slightly damp hair. “Come.” You whispered.
You lifted yourself off of him, and both of you hissed then. But you moved over, and pulled at your intertwined hands so he’d come after you. He stood up on shaky legs and silently followed. You entered the bathroom, and turned the light on halfway, so it was dimly lit. Your bedroom had been dark by then, and this was nice.
He looked at you with a childlike confusion, and you turned on the bathtub. Kyungsoo got rid of the used condom, and you reached behind him for you pill, just in case you would forget later on. He smiled endearingly at you, and you kissed him while the bath ran full. With your hands on his arms, and his on your waist.
By the time it was full you were shivering and a little cold, and you pulled him into the bathtub after you’d put your hair up into a bun. The bubbles on the top were soft as you breached the warm water with your feet. He stepped in too, and held the same slightly confused face as you sank down against the back of the tub. So you pulled his hand and he sat down between your legs.
There was something heart warming about how he followed your every movement, you were leading him, almost teaching him. But he was so calm, and you felt it in his steady heartbeat as you placed a hand over his heart.
The water soothed your aching muscles, the bruises on you back. You kissed his shoulder, the corner of his jaw, and nuzzled his cheek as he leant his head back onto your shoulder. His hands were slowly moving up and down your legs, silky smooth movements because of the water. The bath was fragrant, like your bodywash, honey, vanilla, not sweet but soft.
He inhaled deeply, sighing, relaxing against you. You massaged the skin on his stomach, and his sides that made him shiver as always. He was completely peaceful now, such a difference from earlier today, like all worry had seeped away from him.
Kyungsoo opened his mouth to say something, after the ages of silence. But you knew exactly what he was going to say so you searched for his hand
Soon, as per usual, you felt your eyes dropping closed, and you let them. Enjoying this silent moment of comfort between the two of you that held so much promises for the future.
