I did wrong, way too wrong, although it seemed the best to write those words as a confession that would put my heart at ease, it did not. Happened to get him angry and exhausted of my own drama... and even though I got simply mad at his reactions that were of anger instead of support there is a lot that crossed my mind: Am I loving? Because even though my head says yes, there is a huge gap between us that has not recovered, and even more because the anger and pain my heart has, is staying there and not finding a way out. There is no way to know what is gonna happen in the future at all, or if us as a real couple will ever be, but one thing I really assured myself of is that the pain and sadness blinded my own feelings. Sure, he hurt me and a lot of that feeling remains, but cmon girl! What about everything else? Centering my mind towards revealing a truth or pronostic is way out of what reality can do for now. If I want to know if my love is ever gonna be reciprocated, don't I have to know first if I am still loving? He spoke the words I knew could be said: "I don't talk to you because there is no subject". All I could do was sigh. I know that. I did it on purpose u see? Sabotaging my own relationship trying to cause a certain mood for him to confess and answer my questions. I stopped enjoying our talks trying to figure out if he was with another girl, if he was at work, how was he...etc. The joy of his text slowly became a need to know he still wants me. And he does, I know that, otherwise he would've left completely. So this is how I managed to get to a breaking point in which I only hurt myself. There has to be a way to reconnect, and thinking about it I began to remember how it used to be...how I suddengly caught his attention. To make it short, it turns out that over thinking has expanded and my days are blinded by anxiety over knowing something that has to run smooth in order to happen, and because I really don't wanna hurt him again or suffocate someone over a matter that can be solved, a solution came up...or at least a starting plan. Looking back, my mind was at ease, I was happy, working out, cooking, drinking my favorite gourmet teas :3 just enjoying life and working hard for myself, already knowing who I was. That is how I met him. Way more centered than now and way more healthy. So whatever happened yesterday can stay in the past, marking the night I screwed it up just to realize that the love for myself had diminished and that this is exactly how he manages to survive, loving himself! And now I realize that I can't rush anything, specially when it depends on someone else, but I can nourish our relationship in every way that is in my hands, which will bring my mind at ease and peace again. Be myself, take care of me phisically and mentally, creating and loving, but loving without expecting something in return. -L-
