(Obviously I don’t know much about you and your situation, but I hope you find this worth reading) I’m not sure seeing growth as cutting off old parts of yourself/killing your old self is a healthy way to see things. Your old self was your foundation, the beginning that led you here. Something worth casting off like an old skin that’s too small for you maybe? After all, your old self decided to grow and change at some point.
Thank you for this!
I understand the sentiment, and I suppose it would be helpful in other circumstances, but growing up with childhood trauma really feels like my foundations are cracked beyond repair.
I feel like starting my recovery as a young adult means Creating the foundations of a completely different life from salvageable pieces and entirely new ways of living. It’s a very difficult and truly terrifying process, because the more I scrutinize myself, the more things I find wrong.
I truly navigate the world almost entirely through the filters of my trauma, and changing that feels less like I need to get glasses and more like I need to gouge my eyes out and form new ones by hand.
I know I have to do it. I don’t have a choice, but I’m going through a slow sort of death right now, and I would love if I could just cut my old self off and be done with them.
First off, love the Roman Au you're writing! Second (for drunk DA), how do you think the romance between Cassandra and Varric happened?
@dadrunkwriting
Ohhhh my godddd this prompt was from 8 months ago and I am SO SORRY.
Okay, story time! So I have shipped Varric and Cassandra super hard since the first time I ever decided to put them in a party together even after getting new companions. I was just HOOKED. But I have never written them despite loving them so much because I felt like I could just never get their voices right.
Well, I am now here to say that I wrote a thing that I am so utterly, hopelessly, RIDICULOUSLY pleased with, and I hope you guys enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it!
It ended up pretty long, so most of it will be under the cut. Thank you for the prompt!!!
Varric x Cassandra
He hadn’t meant to. Shit, he didn’teven want to, but it was oneof those things that just kind of sneaks up on a man, and he triednot to think about how many times he had written that exact scenario.He couldn’t even really tell when it started.
Itwasn’t some kind of burning revelation, either. There wasn’t aparting of the clouds in his mind and heart - damn poeticbullshit – and there surewasn’t some big momentwhere it just hits you and WHAMyour heart bursts open and there it is. There wasn’t rain or pininglooks or grand declarations. It just kind of… happened.
Hedidn’t realize how unprepared he was until it did.
It wasdifferent from Bianca – not less,just… different. He sat back in his chair, scratching his head ashe tried to figure out the when and how of the whole damn thing.Maker knows they hatedeach other at first. Well, she hatedhim. He didn’t reallyhate anyone, not truly. It was just such a nastyemotion, and he’d seen how it consumed people. Shit, he’d written afew books on that too.
It wasone such book that had her pounding on his door, dragging him fromthe Hanged Man in chains for no reason at all. That book which shethen tossed in his face in that dingy cell, demandingto know where the Champion – where Hawke – had gone. Of coursehe said he didn’t know. As if he would do anything else. It wasn’this fault that his book hadn’t been enough to make her see howdesperately Hawkeneeded to not be found. But – damn it– the woman hadn’t seemed entirelyunreasonable, and he found himself telling her the real story…because maybe – maybe– it would be enough to change her mind. To leave Hawke be and lether heal from all of the hate.
Itwasn’t enough, and so of course she had to drag him to the Divine’sdoorstep so he could tell her too.
“Youwill stand trial,” was what she’d said, even the gentle lilt of heraccent unable to mask how hard the words were.
“Forwhat?” he’d laughed in disbelief, “For telling you I don’tknow where she is? The truth?”
“Aftereverything you’ve just told me, you really expect me to believethat?”
Well, she wasn’t wrong.
Butsomewhere down the line she didstart to believe him, and despite their arguments and his jests thatseemed only to further rouse her, when she found out he lied it hurt.Not in the physical way, though that was also the case. Damn,she had an arm on her. That chair didn’t stand a chance– but it tugged at him. He was angry – for Hawke, for Liahra –at the way Cassandra reacted.Yeah, she could be violent, but she snappedand he had no idea why. People lie. It’s a thing they do, especiallywhen trying to protect someone they love. They had been gettingcloser – a sort of uneasy camaraderie – and he had been so sure that she would – well, notunderstand, but notget so damn pissed either.
Itbothered him.
Itbothered him for a long time. He was his usual self with everyoneelse, cracking jokes and telling wild stories about the Hawkes andtheir friends – but with Cassandra he was… cold. Abrupt, even. Itfelt like some kind of perverse justice, but it had gotten to thepoint that even Liahrahad to pull him aside and tell him to knock it off. Liahra. Sunshine.It was enough to make him feel ashamed, but he still didn’t seek herout. So of course Sunshine being, well, Sunshine– sweet, meddling thing that she was – she dragged them both outon missions. Together. At the same time. Together.And then she’d give them that look,the really sweet one that had that brutaledge beneath it. Varric called it her ’You’d better getalong or Creators help me, I am going to chain you together until youdo’ look.
Forall her kindness and patience, she could really be scary if shetried.
And,well, they tried… kind of. The tension was undeniable, but at leastthey were talking again… kind of. And damnwas it uncomfortable, but at least it was enough for Liahra. Somehow,the tiny elf scared both of them more than the prospect of beingfriendly did. They could agree on thatmuch.
“Wheredoes such a small woman find all of this ferocity?” Cassandra askedover the fire one night, looking at the dreaming Inquisitor with afond smile. Varric had looked around, sure she was talking to Dorian,but the mage was fast asleep – silky mask and all. He made a smallnote to remember that for later – oh, Sparkler would hatethat – before clearing his throat and poking at the fireabsentmindedly.
“Idon’t think she really findsit, Seeker. It’s always been there, we just don’t get to see it much.She’s good at hiding,” he said, waving smoke out of his face as thewind picked up. Cassandra was silent for a long moment, and heshuffled uncomfortably on his bedroll as he wondered what he said.
“Youcalled me Seeker,” her voice finally came, softer than he’d everheard it. He briefly met her eyes over the fire. “That is the firsttime since… since we fought.”
Varricsnorted, “Since you threw a chair at me, you mean?”
Sheopened her mouth, that look of outrage on her face that she wore sooften, and he sworeshe was going to yell at him – and then she didn’t. His brows shotinto his hairline at the way she snapped her mouth shut with adisgruntled noise, cheeks coloring as she looked away.
“Y-youlied to me,” she said, the words sounding forced.
“Peoplelie, Seeker, especially to protect the ones they care about,” hegrunted, half-tempted to lay back and fall asleep just to escape theconversation.
Shewas silent for another long moment. “I-I know. I understand why youdid, even if it made me angry. And-” she paused, as if each wordwas just hanging on the edge of toohard to say, “Liahra is a good Inquisitor… better than we couldhave hoped for. She was what we needed, when we needed it.”
Hehuffed in amusement, tugging his blanket up as he laid back. “Well,she’s right over there. Don’t know what you’re telling me for.”
“Iam trying to-” she began, voice rising in frustration. His back wasto her, but he was latched onto every word, brow furrowing. “I am..I… I’m sorry,” she finally managed. “You were right to protectthe Champion. I probably would have done the same.”
Varricrolled over, squinting as if he couldn’t believe she was reallyserious. If theembarrassment flaming on her cheeks was any indication… she was.“Shit,” he saidwith a breathless laugh, dragging out the word, “You’re not justputting on a face for our fearless leader. You really mean it, don’tyou?”
“Youdon’t have to make it sound so shocking,”she said with an insulted huff, crossing her arms. He laughed.
“W-well,Seeker, do you blame me?” he asked between chuckles. Her cheeksflamed brighter, and he struggled to contain his amusement.
“I-Ihave learned it is important to acknowledge your shortcomings andadmit when you are wrong, especially to… to friends,”
Hiseyes widened slightly. She didn’t seem to be a woman of sentiment –or a woman with friendshonestly, not until the Inquisition – and some niggling somethingwas telling him that it had to have been hard for her to admit. Well,especially given her pride?He had the good sense to be flattered.
“Aww,Seeker. I’ve grown on you,” he said with a soft laugh. She wrinkledher nose in distaste, that trademark disgusted noise forcing its wayfrom her lips. But it didn’t sound quite asdisgusted, and he swore there was the shadow of a smile on her face.
“Likefungus,” she huffedwith such utter disdain that it made him laugh all over again as shedropped onto her bedroll and turned over.
Liahradidn’t mention it if she noticed the way things suddenly seemed backto normal. Of course she didnotice, but she noticed everything and Varric was just glad that shedecided to go with it. The second-hand embarrassment he would havegotten for Cassandra would have been too much otherwise. He couldalmost see the way shewould stammer for an explanation, cheeks scarlet. The thought madehim chuckle.
“Andwhat is so funny, dwarf?” the very woman asked with an impressivelyarched eyebrow.
“Nothing,nothing,” he said, though the amusement coloring his words gave himaway in a heartbeat. He held his hands up in mock surrender as shepinned him with a withering glare.
But itwasn’t as witheringand, well, that was something.
Sunshinedidn’t force them to come out with her after that. She never had tosay it, but he knewshe was glad. She cared too damn much about all of them, and itactually pained her when her companions – her friends– wouldn’t get along. It stirred a strange sense of satisfaction inhim, knowing she was pleased. But in honesty, he was glad of it too.
“Youhave a fan,” Liahra said one day, plopping into the chair sheusually took beside him in the hall. Varric huffed in amusement as hecontinued marking some correspondences.
“Ihave a lot of those, apparently.” But when he glanced up, there wasa smirk on the Inquisitor’s face – almost pained in the way itseemed to be holding her amusement back. He straightened in hischair, plucking his spectacles from his nose and placing them on thetable as he prompted her to continue with a cocked brow.
“Cassis quite taken with Swords and Shields.” That smirk tugged harder,and he squinted.
“Youmust have knocked your head, Sunshine,” he dismissed with achuckle, pausing as her face contorted with the effort of holdingback a laugh. He peered at her with disbelief. “You- we’re nottalking about the same Cassandra,are we? Tall, grumpy seeker…” he trailed off as she ducked herhead with a snort, silent laughter shaking her shoulders. His eyeswidened for a moment and then he broke,his laughter booming in the hall enough to prompt strange looks fromthe nobles that always seemed to congregate there. That- it was toogood. “No,”he managed to wheeze, wiping tears from his eyes.
“Mm,”she confirmed with a thoroughlyamused grin. “She is quite sore that there isn’t another additionyet.”
“Andraste’sass,” he said as hecollapsed into laughter all over again. “Don’t you worry, Sunshine.I’ll take care of it.”
“I’mglad that was so easy,” she tossed back as she pushed herself up.“I was afraid I was going to have to order you to do it.” Heshook his head, trying to quell the chuckles.
“Onecondition. I want to be there when you give it to her.”
Shewinked as she walked away.
It wasstrange the way the words just flowedfor a series he had abandoned, but he wasn’t going to question it.The entire situation was just… too muchin the best way. To be able to see the seeker’s reaction was spurringhim on. He had to seeit. Despite needing to frequently leave the pages to laugh at theabsurdity of it all, he finished the book in record time. Hispublisher would have been pleased. He couldn’t even lookat Cassandra during the process for fear of cracking up and ruiningthe surprise.
Heheld the book aloft when the Inquisitor walked by, looking at herover the rims of his spectacles with a smirk. Her eyes lit up and shemade a beeline for him, nearly yanking him out of his seat when shegrabbed his arm. He laughed.
“I’mcoming, Sunshine. I wouldn’t miss this for the world.”
Mortifiedwas never a word he would have thought to use for Cassandra - butthere she stood, the very picture of it all over her face. She shot alook of betrayal at their smirking Inquisitor, seemingly at a lossfor words. Oh, this was soworth it. Who would have thought their stoic, grumpy seeker wouldhave a soft spot? And for romance– badly written, smuttyromance – of all things? The way she snatched the book from him,only to flatten her palm over the cover and gaze at it reverentlywith a rare smile was strangely satisfying.
Butstill, he didn’t expect her to just dropinto a chair next to him in the hall. He cursed softly at the way hisquill dragged across the page in his surprise, leaving a messy lineof ink in its wake. “Seeker,” he greeted with an amused – ifstartled – look. She blushed and looked to speak, but apparentlydecided against it as she flipped open a book and rested the spineagainst the table instead. He chuckled, but returned to his papers.
Thesecond time didn’t surprise him as much, the third even less, andafter a while he had come to expect her presence dropping in out ofnowhere. Somewhere – somehow - they had formed an easy sort offriendship. She would sit with him and read, always trying to hidethe covers of her books from him as if he didn’t know theywere sappy romance. He would write, smirking as he occasionallycaught her trying to peek over the edge of her books at the words onhis pages. And occasionally… they would talk. It was never reallyanything of much substance, but it was… well, it was nice.One day he glanced over at her as he leaned back to stretch and hejust kind of… knew.
He hadn’t meant to. Shit, he didn’teven want to, but it was one of those things that just kind of sneaksup on a man, and he tried not to think about how many times he hadwritten that exact scenario. He couldn’t even really tell when itstarted.
It wasn’t some kind of burningrevelation, either. There wasn’t a parting of the clouds in his mindand heart - damn poetic bullshit – and there sure wasn’t some bigmoment where it just hits you and WHAM your heart bursts open andthere it is. There wasn’t rain or pining looks or grand declarations.It just kind of… happened.
And damn if hehadn’t fallen in love with her without even realizing it.
He leaned back witha groan as he pulled his spectacles off, rubbing his eyes. He hadgotten caught up in his writing, and he realized it had been hourssince he moved if the cracking in his back was any indication. Heguessed the hour was late by how dim and empty the hall was, and hewondered how he never noticed everyone leave. His eyes roved over thehall, the doors to the courtyard that hung slightly ajar, over themosaics and the table and – he started violently.
“Maker,Cassandra,” he wheezed, heart pounding behind his breast. Shelooked up from her book with surprise, eyebrows almost at herhairline. She wasn’t in her usual seat, but tucked into one closer bythe fire – for the light, he supposed – and he hadn’t expectedanyone to still be there.
“What?” sheasked flatly, pursing her lips as if she expected him to tease her.Her features softened a bit at his breathless laugh.
“You scared me,”
“I did not expectyou to be so easily startled,” she said with mild amusement,briefly marking her page as she set the book aside. “I had notnoticed the hour grow so late.”
“Yeah,” hemumbled, rubbing his eyes again. He was tired. He moved hishands as he heard a shuffle of movement, and she appeared to begetting ready to leave. He glanced from her to the pages near hiselbow. “Hey, Seeker,” he began, pausing only until she gave him aquestioning look, “want to see what I have for the next installmentof Swords and Shields so far?” Her eyes widened.
“May I?” sheasked, even as she was already moving to stand with an almost girlishenthusiasm gleaming in her eyes. He laughed and pushed the pages tothe corner of the table she was already waiting at. It was… closerthan he remembered it being. She hovered there as she looked over thewords with greedy eyes, damn near close to being on topof him. She smelled… nice. Not that he expected her to smellbad, really, but he was surprised at how feminine her scentwas.
He cleared histhroat and adjusted slightly in his chair while he waited for her todevour the pages. She was doing a damn good job of it. He wasn’t surehe had ever seen anyone flip through something that fast.
“Varric,”she breathed, startling him from his light dozing. He took a breathand sat up, blinking heavily. Her eyes were wide and fixed on thefinal page in wonder, even with it lying there incomplete. He raiseda brow and waited. “This- this is good,” she said, turningto him with excitement.
They both froze.
Was it warm? Itfelt warm, he decided as her nose almost brushed his when sheturned. Neither of them seemed to know what to do, but they alsodidn’t move away, both with wide eyes and slightly stunnedexpressions. There was a flush creeping up her neck and cheeks, andhe’d be lying if he said he didn’t feel any creeping up his own. Hewas good at many things and he knew it, but this? This was out of hiswheelhouse and he didn’t quite know how to handle it. For probablythe first time in his life, he was drawing a complete blank.
“I-” she beganto say, and he didn’t know why – but he leaned forward andtook her lips with gentle fascination. She kissed him back-
Hopefully I haven't asked this before: what are your thoughts on Amberpricefield polyamory? *Eyebrow waggles*
you havent but i HUGE love it, i think they have such a good dynamic, and the fact that chloe confirms that max and rachel would get along and theyd be hella best friends forever.......................iconic
also i love the concept of rachel and chloe playing around and teasing max but then kissing her when she gets riled up nfsndfs
So what's the inspiration for your URL? I follow TheCheshireCass and saw your URL in the photo she posted xD
LMAO. Essentially I was kingcaboodle (after my favorite dao warden husband) because that’s the pen name i use on ao3. And someone who reads my fics (who is now my bestie @ghiblihero - whose work you should also check out) messaged me on tumblr and literally the second thing i said to her after my name was “hey do you think corypheus’s dick is made out of lyrium? like it’s just a giant crystal dong?”
she was appalled and so i made it my username and refuse to change it
