#chronic avolition

[vam01011001]

I really hate staying alone with my thoughts.

Right now my thoughts can't stop reminding me how my negative symptoms really disable me; how without my father to help me with a few thing I would probably just die of self-neglect, even if I was physically in good health.

It's not talked enough how chronic avolition and chronic anhedonia (or negative symptoms in general) are hard to live with, and that it's not something that can be just cured with antidepressants.

[vam01011001]

Curiosity + chronic boredom + chronic anhedonia + chronic avolition + chronic fatigue is such a shitty combo.

I'm curious about stuff (and people but in a kind of "dehumanizing" way), I want to learn more especially since I'm so bored; but damn I have 0 motivation, learning more will not make me happy or anything, and I'm too tired for this.

Plus if it's curiosity about someone, my asociality might hit too if I try to interact with them to learn more about them.

But I'm still so curious and bored.

I want to evaporate.

[vam01011001]

There is so much I could do right now which could maybe help with the fact I'm bored, but my damn fatigue, my avolition, and my habit of procrastinating is stopping me.

I must have towards 15 movies to watch? I could try to play a bit of piano, and I could draw too.

But no, my brain wants to procrastinate watching a movie to when it will be the night but then I wouldn't have the motivation anymore, playing the piano takes too much energy while I'm too tired to remember how to read a sheet music right now, and same issues for drawing.