#cilllian murphy

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Cilllian Murphy by Andrew Macpherson, 2004

[justimagineitblog]

“You Used To Love Me”: Michael Gray Fan Fiction - Chapter 2

A/N: hi loves, here is Chapter 2!

I will be posting Chapter 3 immediately after this post goes up - Chapter 2 was so long I decided to just cut it in half to make it easier reading x 

Thank you so so much for the great response to this story, it means the world :)))))) 

If a car had of hit me on the way back to my apartment I don’t think I would have noticed, as I rushed through the streets of people with my head down. It’s somehow racing with thoughts but also completely numb all at once.

I curse at my shaking hands as they fumble and struggle to unlock my door. I burst in and slam the door behind me, stumbling forward to my dining table to lean on for some kind of stability, my legs growing weaker and weaker beneath me.

I can’t form enough words or cohesive thoughts to comprehend what just happened. But I can feel it. My breaths are quick and sharp, my lungs burning like I’ve just run for miles and can’t get any air. As I grip the table tighter my knuckles go bone white, and I curl over at the waist as my chest seers with hot pain.

Is this a heart attack?

Finally, my legs give way once and for all and I collapse in a heap on my cold floor. When I hit the ground, the jolt brings everything up out of me like shaking a bottle and finally releasing the lid. The sobs spill out uncontrollably and relentlessly. Once they begin they don’t stop, like an unconsolable child. I only just cover my mouth in time to muffle the violent cry, the gut wrenching wail, that launches up from the pits of my stomach through my chest and out of my mouth.

My question is answered in that moment.

This isn’t a heart attack.

This is my heart breaking.

To think that the first time I see Michael in 6 months is standing in front of me with his wife, pretending I’m just a mere acquaintance who he couldn’t give a toss about. 4 years of my life. Of his life. All gone. I had pictured and played out the day I would see him again, the day he would come home. Mostly, I dreamed of him returning and falling to his knees, begging for forgiveness for keeping me worried sick. And me taking him back in a heart beat.

How sick the irony is that the only one on their knee’s, is me.

That, I could never have foreseen.

Every single cry is only perpetuated by the image that keeps playing over in my head. Another woman - his wife - on his arm. Kissing him like I should be. Like I did for 4 years. The cold, empty stare he gave me makes me ill. I cannot shake it. I can’t cry or scream it away. It is permanently etched in my mind. Like it was engraved on the back of my eye lids and now every time I close my eyes that’s all I can see.

Even on our worst days, in our worst fights, Michael never looked at me like that. Nothing could have shaken our bond. Everyone knew that. Everyone knew us. To see the same man now have so simply and easily eradicated me from his life without explanation cuts me to my deepest core. In life there are people who you expect to hurt you. Who you don’t trust. Who you keep a guard up against. Michael was my safe haven, and I was his. But he ripped that away like the rug from under my feet, as if it was never mine to begin with.

My throat begins to grow hoarse and painful with every cry, forcing me into silence. Forcing me to sit on my cold floor, sobbing silently. I clench my jaw tightly, drawing in a sharp breath through my nose and exhaling harshly through pursed lips. My entire head is throbbing now, like it’s been beaten over and over again.

Undoubtedly left without any fluid in my body to form tears, I simply sit, taking shaky breaths as I regain some small kind of control and composure.

When I stand again, when I finally pull myself to my feet, walking feelings like I’m floating. Like I’m just drifting through an different space and time. Everything is slower. Heavy. Like I’m living in a dream - or rather a nightmare - that I can’t escape. Because it’s real. It’s my life.

The rest of the hours that follow feel the same. I sit, mostly, staring. My mind riddled with disjointed thoughts. I can’t quite make up the gaps of time or memory that seem to go missing. But I don’t care to anyway.

I’m standing in my kitchen, lost in another moment replaying it over and over again, when a knock at my door jolts me back into reality.

Not now. Please, not now.

I hold my breath, hoping its just a neighbour looking for sugar that will go away when I don’t answer. When no knocks follow, my head falls back in relief.

But then, a voice.

“Isabelle?”

My head shoots towards the door.

That voice.

It can’t be.

Part of me wants to run to the door to find out if that voice belongs to who I think it does. Part of me already knows, and doesn’t want to move an inch.

Another knock.

I head towards the door, slowly, hesitating to turn the door knob. But still, despite every screaming thought in my mind, I open the door.

And there he is. His eyes widen momentarily when he see’s me and he stands up straighter, straightening his jacket.

Michael.

When he begins to talk, I’m relieved, because once again I cannot find the adequate words to say to this man. Part of me, is still in disbelief that he’s even here. Home. In Birmingham.

“Can I come in?” 

TAGLIST

* let me know if you would like to be added *

@marvelismylifffe​

@shadow-of-wonder

[adreciclarte4]

Cilllian Murphy by Andrew Macpherson, 2004

[adreciclarte4]

Cilllian Murphy by Andrew Macpherson, 2004

[adreciclarte4]

Cilllian Murphy by Andrew Macpherson, 2004

[sophierichling]

i fucking love peaky blinders

[bujomoss]

he is me and I am him. we are one

closeups under cut

[theperpetualnight]

I reckon they’re going to make a movie of Rice Krispies starring Snap, Crackle, and Pop, I’m hoping to play Crackle.”

Cillian Murphy jokes after talking about the never ending list of superhero films, to which he doesn’t seem to be a fan (agree with his point http://www.vulture.com/2016/08/cillian-murphy-superhero-movies-batman-nolan.html)  By far the most funniest thing I have read on the internet for a while.