#cleansing post

[bobbie-robron]

The look of a man HAPPY to be marrying his soulmate…

[septembersghost]

imagine seeing this

and not falling head over heels irrevocably achingly in love

wherever you stray i follow

wreck my plans

that's my man

eyyyy that's my man

that's. my. man.

[bastardofmothman]

For all my fellow artists:

Here's the cursed image

Now we're gonna light that sucker on fire

And boom!

It's ashes! You and your posts have been cleansed of the anti reblog/no comment/no fun tag crowd! Go forth and find those other internet people who will gush at you about how much they like a thing you made, you deserve it.

[thesupremeeternal]

An Organized Life (2012)

I haven't really posted on here in a while, so while I have this free moment in time and the urge to write I'm going to use it for no purpose but to cleanse my mind here.

I went through Facebook the other day and scrolled backwards through my Timeline and noticed that I was really happy and doing so much better in the first half of the semester. SubUrbia ended and my life suddenly went to Hell. It's almost like I turned down the wrong street and despite all the signs I refused to turn back and now I'm completely lost in the middle of nowhere.

I'm not exactly sure what went so wrong either.

My classes aren't exactly fantastic this semester. I really don't have anyone that has taken a personal interest in me. First semester, Bill really pushed me and made sure I was really doing my best. Last semester was Dr. Kiefer who helped support my artistic ambitions and help me get that project off the ground. This semester I don't have that person urging me to be great. I thought Mac, Sally, or hell even Will might but nobody ever stepped up. Plus I don't have a whole lot to show from my classes. I guess once my Prompt Book for SubUrbia is done I can show that off. My Props Binder for Liaisons is pretty fantastic as well, but all of that is just organization. None of it is as big of a deal as I probably make it out to be. I just feel so forgotten and that nothing I do is worth noting in this school. Now I'm beginning to understand what the saying "Stage Management is a thankless job" truly means.

I'm starting to forge some strong friendships here. I'm finding a nice balance between my social life, my school life, and my work life.

Maybe that's it.

Could it be that I've been trying to keep three different lives. Three different James' that it has gotten to difficult to keep up.

When I go to my classes, it's one personality. When I work in the Conservatory Office, it's another. Then when I'm at K-Mart, I'm a totally different person. Then when I'm with my friends just hanging out, there's another personality.

4 Personalities. 6 Classes. 2 Jobs. 2 Shows. 4 Different Me's.

No wonder I'm having the mental breakdown that I've been having. It's like the juggling act from Hell.

Meanwhile, I went home during Fall Break. That whopping 12 hour visit with my Family. It actually wasn't even that long. I didn't get to Manassas until Noon. Spent 2 hours at my Aunt's visiting my Cousins. Went to the Grocery Store with my Father and spent that time talking about money and school. The only time I actually spent with my family was curled up on my mother's lap and we watched The Voice. 

I actually cried on my drive back to Strasburg. I didn't want to leave. Saying goodbye to my parents and my brothers was almost agonizing.

I'm not sure how I'm going to handle Thanksgiving at all. That whopping day at home only to come back and spend the rest of my vacation working.

Paying for College is almost impossible. That huge weight on the back of my shoulders and in the back of my mind constantly reminding me that I'm just screwing up my life. I'm putting my family in debt faster than a speeding bullet. I feel so bad, because I'm off living this "glamorous life" and their at home struggling to keep afloat.

I'm here working two jobs just trying to keep money coming in so that I can assist. I feel like I'm just in a sinking ship and I'm trying to keep the boat from flooding with a teaspoon.

An impossible task.

SubUrbia went fantastic. Liaisons was off to a rocky ass start but now it looks to have all the kinks worked out of it and we are experiencing some smooth sailing now.

There's just so much weighing down on my mind right now and I'm not sure I'm able to process it all. It's just coming so fast. I feel bad because I'm giving things the shaft and I  need to focus on them. My Props class is the worst. I haven't started on that Period Project other than finding some information here and there. My partner is doing way too much work and keeps offering to do more. 

NO! What I want is for my life to stop overflowing me with shit to do so I can handle it all. There's a chair project that I'm trying to make slow progress on. Now we're starting a Lathe Project.

I have two tests in AMT. A paper in Psych. My SubUrbia Prompt Book. Props for Liaisons. My Dance Concert Reaction Paper for Social Dance. We're apparently about to start a new lighting project in Lighting Design.

I should probably e-mail that Counselor that Joanna recommended. Then I should probably talk to the Academic Enrichment Center.

I should ask for help in general.

My worst trait that I learned from Lanny, by the way was that I never learned how to ask for help. Something that I need to learn, because I can't keep going through life believing that I can handle all of this by myself.

Wish me luck guys. This is going to be a quite the journey I'm about to embark on.

“The only journey is the one within.”  ― Rainer Maria Rilke

P.S.- If you know the musical Vanities, you'll understand the title of this post.