#cleardaisies

[cleardaisies]

This is it.

This is the moment I've been holding my breath for all along. I've been given the signal. I'm not the one who let go first, my mom did. This relationship is finally done. I could move away now, disappear somewhere. No one will remember me, will they? I'll be the girl they couldn't ever really put their finger on. I'm all alone now. I'll be the boy named Crow. I'll forget I ever was here, that I ever was who I am now.

[cleardaisies]

Fading light

Am I getting too jaded? I don't enjoy things anymore...and things I used to dream of, I don't really actually believe they'll really happen anymore. I don't dare to dream big any more, because reality has proven otherwise. The real world vs school is so different...even school turned out so differently than I thought it would. Old habits die hard, you don't just change overnight. And you never think to yourself that you're changing, only that you notice it later in retrospect. I sometimes get this feeling that I'm alienating myself from all my friends. I don't always know who I can call anymore just to ring up to have a chat or get advice. I miss my best friend, but I feel that talking is not a priority between us. I don't get insomnia as often anymore, but my stomach has never felt more sick. I'm stressed from trying to do better in life than I am now, but what if that's bullshit too? What if I don't deserve better? Some people will get left behind, and maybe that's just who I am.

[cleardaisies]

Three

Three is just a number. It shouldn't matter. But every time I think that, I know it's already too late. I just have to forget that this ever bothered me and keep it under wraps. I'm afraid to talk to people about this. I'm afraid I can't handle talking about this, but the fear is getting real. I'm sometimes good at predicting things, but maybe that's because I self-fulfill those dark prophecies myself.

[cleardaisies]

Off and on

Sometimes it is a little frustrating realizing how you're not really on the same page as someone you really want to talk to again. And it's weird that you're not really talking or that they don't talk to you and you don't really have the guts to start the conversation up. The only thing worse is when you do start talking, and there's that odd feeling that you may have drifted. Plans are made in terms of "maybe" and "sometime". Would it be easier to admit that you miss somebody or would it be worse to have it be blown off and away, under a pile of half-forgotten texts? But there's also that brilliant feeling of a friendship that picks up from where you left off - story swaps and humor and mutual horror at generally annoying/terrible facts of life - you still understand each other even though you don't really know all the details. Sometimes that's enough, but sometimes, it feels like you need more than a moment.

[cleardaisies]

Friday night musings

On Fridays, I feel the oddest of all - I'm equal parts happy but lonely. I could be out. I could be hanging out with somebody. I have my family here at home. I'm happy that after a terrible, long week (with another terrible, long week to come), I'll be home. But a part of me feels listless and bored with myself. I don't feel fulfilled like this. I do and do at work but I don't feel that I'm doing anything meaningful. No one really thinks I'm doing anything THAT important, not even my boss. I'm not happy just planning future trips and making plans to go places, even though I will be happy for the moment then. In the long term, I feel so stuck still. What progress have I really made in a year? I don't have a real answer for this yet. I'm still not giving up. I believe that it'll be hard, but I'm never going to settle. I don't care that even my best friend doesn't know what I'm trying to do, or that a lot of people are doing "better" things than I am now. I do care about that stuff, on some level. But ultimately, what does that have to do with me? How well other people do doesn't have much to do with how well I'm doing. Or not... I'm thinking about going back to school again, but taking baby steps first. Community college classes? Or maybe online extension classes. There has to be some way I can improve myself just a bit and expand my technical skill set. I'm under qualified technically and my communication skills are just acceptable. Now that I know, I can do something about it, right?

[cleardaisies]

Maybe the most important thing is not to be completely happy because that's probably impossible as our ideals keep changing, but the actual important thing is to enjoy what you're doing at the time that you're doing. I guess really bask in the moment of the now. Because while my job takes up majority of my life and I am mostly unhappy and dissatisfied with life while I am there, I should still be able to enjoy life outside of it, right? I need to get rid of this feeling of anxiety that I shouldn't waste time and money outside of worrying about jobs and career and what the hell I'm going to do next. Of course, that's all important. But it's ok, too, to not pass by chances and just enjoy life for what it is now. Not every moment has to be spent guilting myself over not looking hard enough for the "next thing". On another note, I am seriously ticked off at my boss and my work place. This might verge on the side of crazy, but sometimes I think that it wouldn't be such a bad thing if the whole company were set on fire and I didn't have to come in tomorrow...or ever again. Not that I would commit arson just to stop working there, but just...I am REALLY annoyed at my impatient (erring on the side of MEAN) supervisor and even the whole company. I wish I could just up and leave already. Fingers crossed, it's definitely time to look harder.

[cleardaisies]

It’s at weird times like this that I suddenly remember the time. I don’t really know how to explain this, but case in point - 

So, I’ve been following someone on tumblr for a while now. Strange, because I’ve never been one of those people who keep tabs on blogs, but now, I guess I am. It makes me very nostalgic because I remember the person she was like when I first followed her, and I think that she’s just very different now. It’s both fascinating and a little bit sad. And it makes me wonder a bit about where I am too, am I just a little bit different than who I was?

Am I worse?

Does anybody remember the me from one, two, three years ago? Do I want to remember that me? I don’t know.

My thoughts are so disjointed.

I also thought about advice I wanted to tell my brother, now that he’s going to college. Don’t settle for all the “I don’t know”s - instead, take everything with an open mind. That’s the most important thing, daring to try things you’ve never tried before. 

(But then, sometimes I wonder if I’m qualified to be giving advice).

[cleardaisies]

Summer plans

This is really the first summer that I have money of my own - not financial aid money left over from scrimping over the course of the school year, and not money my grandma/mom slip into my pocket, money from their scrimping and saving over the course of their daily lives.

You get the point. 

I’m trying to swear to myself that as limited as my means are (the job market is pretty unforgiving at this moment in time...), I’ll try to still be a generous person to the people I care about. That means, birthdays should not go by uncelebrated, and expenses should be paid for as much as I can.

It’s hard to promise those kinds of things, especially when I’m also trying to implement a scrimp & save plan as well. Oh, and I get those terrible pull-the-trigger urges when I go online shopping. I don’t always do it, of course, but those few times are bad enough. 

So now that I finally have money of my own, it’s difficult to say no to summer plans because I want to go through with them. I want to see things, and experience things more differently than ever before because I feel I am at a place that’s more different than anything I’ve ever been before. 

Anyway, in a nutshell - Arizona to Vegas, baby! The stars shine bright, I’m in my tiny twenties, why not?