So some of you guys apparently liked the last one I wrote?? So now there’s this one (instead of me studying for exams). Tell me if the length turns you off?
Basically Tony gets sick and tired of how good Bucky and Steve are together. (Bitter Tony comes up with wild ideas.)
The breakfast bar was officially the worst place to sit.
There was nothing wrong with the actual seats, per say - they were perfectly comfortable stools - the problem was the view that the bar advertised. If one looked up from their breakfast at the breakfast bar, as Tony was studiously not doing at the moment, they’d see Steve Rogers spoon feeding Bucky Barnes at the kitchen table.
It wouldn’t have been a problem if they were being a sickly cute couple just in the kitchen. But no, Tony wasn’t that lucky. The two were the grossest couple around every fucking corner. On the field, they fought together with an understanding that Tony was only familiar with in his machines. During movie nights, they sat on top of each other and hogged the caramel corn. Even when they weren’t together, you could catch one or the other smiling down at their phone, no doubt because of something the other had sent.
Tony couldn’t care less about what they did together in their free time; he really didn’t. But why did they have to do it in front of him all the time?
He tipped the last of his cereal into his mouth as he got up from the bar, throwing the dish into the sink as he practically ran out of the kitchen. An idea was forming, in the peripheral of his mind.
Tony stood over the final product of his idea. It was crude, but he knew - God, he knew - that it would be effective. Now it was time to lure them in.
Steve and Bucky stared at the IKEA box. “Are you sure that this is a team building exercise?”
He huffed. “Well, it’s not SHEILD issued or anything. Just trust me,” Tony said as he pushed them a little farther into the workshop. “If you can do this, you’re pretty much guaranteed to be able to do anything.”
Steve and Bucky looked at each other skeptically, probably doing their fucking couple-telepathy. Steve drew in a breath, hands shifting off of his hips as he walked towards the box. “If you say so, Tony.”
“Are you gonna join us, doll?”
Tony looked at Bucky. “Sorry, Bucky. I’m just here to set you guys up; I have some repairs I need to make on the suit. Don’t worry though,” he winked as he swept past the two super soldiers. “I’m just going to be over here if you guys need the genius to help.”
He sensed Steve shaking his head exasperatedly, and smiled a little as he sat down in the perfect spot to watch shit hit the fan.
He believed in them. They probably wouldn’t have too much trouble assembling IKEA furniture together.
But that’s why he swapped the instructions out with a completely different IKEA item.
And hid one - and only one - of the screws necessary for the build.
They hadn’t accomplished much in terms of finishing the furniture, yet the two of them didn’t even seem slightly annoyed; their quips were full of good-nature, and there was no tense atmosphere underneath them.
Even IKEA couldn’t break them.
Tony threw the thruster shaft he was cleaning onto the table and ran a hand over his face.
Steve’s concerned voice floated over to him. He turned around, busying himself with the contraptions nearest to his hands, not wanting to look at them or he knew that he was going to scream. “Just fine,” he knew his voice was tight, and he quickly tried to rectify it. “A little thirsty. You boys want a drink?”
There was a pause, and Tony knew that they were looking at each other. “Sure, doll.” He took the opportunity when he saw it and fled the room.
Tony was gone for a few minutes. He had gathered himself in the kitchen, practiced a smile to make sure he wouldn’t let the bitterness seep through again, and grabbed a couple glasses and a pitcher of lemonade. When he approached the workshop with his hands full he was surprised at what he heard.
Were those - were those raised voices he heard?
“Bucky, that doesn’t go -”
“Well fuck, Steve! It sure as hell doesn’t go wherever you wanna stick it!”
Tony reached the doorway in time to see Steve grab his hair in frustration. “You don’t need to start yellin’! It was just a suggestion!”
Tony set the lemonade and glasses onto the nearest table. He wasn’t sure what to do now; he hadn’t thought this far in his plan. Probably step in?
“Hey! Hey, what’s wrong?”
The other two men turned to him, Bucky still pointing at Steve accusingly while Steve had his hands splayed out in front of him.
“He kept fucking dropping the -” “- Bucky apparently doesn’t know how to read -” “- Hey!”
“Guys,” Tony placated weakly.
Steve waved him off, and started to walk out the door to the workshop.
“Where are you going?” Bucky called after his boyfriend.
Bucky set his shoulders. “Yeah? Well, fuck you too!”
Steve flipped him off and continued down the hallway leading away from the workshop. Tony watched him go.
This is what Tony wanted, right?
He finally broke up the sickly cuteness that was Bucky and Steve; they were no longer in his face every hour of the day. The breakfast bar returned to its former perfection, movie night had the two barely interacting, and they no longer fought near each other on the battle field. He accomplished exactly what he had set out to do.
That’s what he told himself every time he saw one without the other.
He’s just not familiar with how victory feels. Is it supposed to feel like his stomach is trying to escape to the floor? He’s not supposed to want to look them in the eye, right?
Tony lasts six days of Bucky and Steve being on radio silence with each other before breaking.
It was time to initiate the ‘fix-the-shit-that-I-broke-because-it-turns-out-I-never-wanted-this’ plan.
“Bucky. Will you sit with me?” He felt Steve tense on the other side of him as Bucky walked into the movie room, but ignored him as he trained his best puppy eyes on the Winter Soldier. The engineer watched as Bucky looked at Steve, as if weighing Tony’s puppy eyes and having to sit on the same love seat as Steve. Eventually, he made up his mind and began walking over to Tony.
“Sure, doll.” The love seat allowed all of them to sit on it, but it was just a stitch too small.
It was a small feat, but having the super soldiers on either side of him - mere feet from each other - made him feel like he had a fair chance of fixing the mess he made.
Tony looked up from the french toast he was making and smiled as Steve ambled into the kitchen. “You’re up early,” he yawned.
“I wanted to make breakfast this morning. It feels like a french toast kind of day, y’know?” He moved a plate stacked with already finished french toast to the table. “You want some?”
“God, yes,” Steve shuffled further into the room, finally seeing the rest of the table. But, most importantly, Bucky who was sitting at the end already digging into the plate Tony had plunked on the table. The two made eye contact for a second.
“Are you gonna eat, doll?” Bucky gestured at the seat between him and Steve. The suggestion seemed like the best way to ensure the both of them would stay at the table, so Tony finished up putting ingredients away and sat down between the two.
The arrangement felt good to Tony; made him feel lighter. Like the guilt was evaporating.
Afterwards, both of the boys stayed behind to help Tony do the dishes before heading their separate ways. The voluntary time together also felt good, even if it ended with them leaving again.
Tony slowly and carefully found more and more ways to get them in the same room. They seemed to be less hesitant to be together - which the genius counted as a win - but they always insisted that they weren’t alone, which left Tony the job of being the Human Wall between them.
It’s progress, no matter how slow, so Tony was happy.
“You know that they’re playing you, right?” Natasha was draped across the couch, her attention mostly on cleaning the new knives Clint had got her.
Tony looked at her. “What? Who?”
He could see her roll her eyes from his spot on the couch beside her. Her feet were in his lap. Natasha scoffed. “The boys. Who else?”
Tony felt his eyebrows furrow and his lips tug down into a frown. “That doesn’t really specify anything. What do you mean, ‘they’re playing you’?”
She swung her feet out of his lap, sitting up to face him. “Antoshka,” she chided softly. “If they were really in a fight, then why haven’t they asked for separate rooms yet?” Tony opened his mouth, but was glad that Natasha interrupted him - he didn’t know the answer to that question. “Have they actually told anyone that they’ve broken up?”
“And what even sparked this fight anyway?” She raised an eyebrow. “It had to be pretty big. You saw the way they acted before; they spoon fed each other.”
Tony opened his mouth again, but nothing came out. He sat for several long seconds. “But... why?”
Natasha shrugged. “You should ask them for yourself.” She layed back down, her feet planting firmly in his lap again as he just sat there, trying to process the information.
After a few minutes, he lifted her feet and got up, placing them in his spot before going to find the stupid idiots.
He found Steve in his room. “Hey, Tony - ow ow ow!” Tony didn’t bother responding to the greeting, marching straight up to the super soldier and grabbing his ear before marching back out the door, Steve trailing behind him with a stream of, “Ow ow ow - Tony, what are you - OW!”
He caught Bucky next, just leaving the training rooms. The Winter Soldier assessed the situation, saw the fire in Tony’s eyes, and quickly spluttered out, “Woah, before we do anything too drastic now - ow, doll!” Before Tony got his other hand on Bucky’s arm.
“Why does he get an arm when I get an ear,” he heard Steve grumble behind him. He dragged both of them into his workshop, letting them go as he asked JARVIS to lock the door. Tony sat on the nearest table, arms crossed, and just stared at the two. Slowly, they began to break under his gaze; Bucky resorted to fidgeting while Steve refused to make eye contact with him, choosing to instead look at the floor.
Oh, they knew they were guilty.
The pissed engineer made a hand gesture, and Bucky’s words cut off abruptly. “You guys aren’t actually fighting, are you.” It wasn’t a question.
Guilt practically oozed from them, shoulders hunched and eyes averted. “Not - uh, not really.”
Tony broke his cold demeanor to throw his hands in his hair, tugging a little as he paced, still keeping his distance from the two. “But why? Was it to get back at me?” Tony turned on them, drawing in a sharp breath. “Look, I’m sorry I’ve been a bit of a dick about you two, but -”
“What? No! No, we weren’t trying to get back at you!” Steve raced to correct, hands held out to soothe.
Tony threw his hands from his hair. “Then why!” he implored. “Was it funny or something?”
The two of them looked at each other, and Tony felt the earlier annoyance at them surface again. Before he could manifest that annoyance, Bucky blurted, “Doll, haven’t you noticed... y’know, Steve and I acting weirdly?”
“Before or after you faked a fight to play me?” Tony bit dryly.
Tony scrunched his face, licking his lips a little as he tried to think. There wasn’t anything... except... “Are you talking about you two being... overly liberal with PDA?”
Steve pointed at Tony emphatically. “Yes! That!”
“What does that have to do with this?”
Bucky sighed. “Tony, doll. We were trying to make you jealous.”
He blinked. Then, leaning forward a little as if it would correct his hearing, he blinked again. “I’m sorry?”
“Jealous,” Steve repeated. “We’ve liked you for a while now, and we thought that a bit of jealously would... I don’t know,” he threw his hands up weakly. “Make you like us? It sounds like a bad plan saying it out loud, but we thought it would work.”
Tony felt like he was going into shock. His hands shouldn’t be this cold, should they? “But we were obviously wrong; you seemed... jealous, yeah, but instead of flirting more, you seemed to draw away,” Bucky picked up. “So we thought, uh, maybe the opposite would work?”
The genius was shocked. Yes, about the explanation the two gave, but also; “And it fucking worked, too!” He thought about how many times he sandwiched himself between the two, feeding them, fighting with them, trying to get them on speaking terms again.
He had turned into what he had initially set out to destroy.
What sneaky mother fucking geniuses!
Bucky and Steve glanced at each other again, looking slightly hopeful before turning back to Tony. “Does that - does that mean you like us, too?”
“And you aren’t mad at us anymore?” Bucky pipped up quickly.
“I’m still mad at you. But as for the first part...” Tony gave them a look, one that had them both grinning with relief.
The breakfast bar was once again officially the worst place to sit.
If one looked up from their breakfast at the breakfast bar, as everyone studiously did not, they’d see two super soldiers at the kitchen table, Tony sitting between them, as they spoon fed a certain genius engineer who also happened to be their boyfriend.
