Yes, we are cohousing with four adults and two children. Yes, we live in Utah. And no, we are not polygamists. My husband and I never thought we would be buying a house with another family, and yet after renting for two years together, we closed on a house on Friday and we move in next weekend. This all started out of necessity really. My husband, Eggs, and I were commuting through traffic more than 40 minutes (one way) to our jobs. We are both teachers. Eggs is a junior high band director, and I am an elementary Montessori teacher. We both love our respective schools, and the city in which we lived, but we did not love the drive. So after a few years we decided to move closer...into the suburbs. Around the same time, Eggs’ cousin, Panda and her husband, J.B. had applied for their oldest child (a girl), Minion, to get into the Montessori school I worked at, being a lottery system with more than 400 waiting to get in, they were thrilled when her name was pulled. There current distance from the school was about an hour one way. After looking at the prices in the city surrounding the school, we realized it was a rather nice (and expensive) neighborhood. I don’t remember who suggested it, but the idea that we rent together came up, maybe as a joke, but soon we were looking for places we could rent together. We found a nice 1,400 square foot home and ended up staying for 2 years. We would have stayed longer but the landlord decided to sell and we were being forced out. We were all placed in a rather unfortunate situation. We were both saving for a house independently, but were several years away. We could find another place to rent, but we would have to move several times in the next few years, and besides after living together for two years, we couldn’t actually imagine separating! This is when the hunt for the perfect house (in our budget) began. Eggs and J.B. have their names on the loan, but we all have our name on the title of the house. I started this blog because I think there is a lot of misconceptions about cohousing. Our lives do feel a bit like the T.V. shows like Friends or New Girl or Full House.There are so many reasons I think cohousing is so valuable and yet it seems rather uncommon. There isn’t even a name for the relations. Minion is my BBF’s daughter? God-daughter? There is no easy way to explain the situation to others, because we live in Utah they immediately think we are polygamists or swingers. Neither is true. We are family; we have become a family and chosen to live our lives together, like when one chooses to get married. It can enrich ones life, but it’s not for everyone and it takes a lot of work. If you happen to be thinking about cohousing or are just interested, here are the reasons I think cohousing is so valuable.
Humans are made for community.
I think this is the number one reason Eggs and I love living with others. Even on the nights J.B. has grad school, or Eggs or I work late (as teachers do), it is still rare for anyone to be home alone. Cooking for oneself is not very motivating and being a single parent (even for a night) can be hard. When we lived apart, as an extrovert, I would get extremely lonely and depressed during marching band season, when Eggs was gone nearly every night until after I was asleep. This does not happen anymore. There is always someone to talk to, someone to do dishes with, to eat dinner with, and more. Why do you think elderly people move into senior living centers? Because they need support, some physically, and some emotionally. This support comes from living with other people, or being part of a community. Some get their social filling from church or late night bingo or sports clubs or work, but cohousing is one more modality available.
Second, you have a wide support system in a time when most people don’t live close to their families any more. I am fortunate enough to have my parents living only an hour or so away. My sister, Crispin, is also about that far, but we do not have any other family living close by. No other relatives such as grandparents, cousins, aunts, or uncles. This is because my father was in the military, causing us to move around from base to base, but we are not alone. Many people in this day in age do not live within a day trip of their family, and family is often our support. Other countries have several generations even living in the same house, but this is not common in America.
Living together is completely normal in many countries around the world. Mexico has many generations living in the same household. Countries in Asia and Europe and Africa do the same. Some live in a single room together, but they all have a role and help out. The elder generations add wisdom and often have time to give. Children add joy and learn from their elders. Adults can add companionship and financial income. This blend allows for an opportunity to learn from each other, to build relationships despite age differences, to provide many adult role models for children, and to share responsibilities.
Shared responsibilities and costs. Being an adult can be hard, and sharing the responsibilities can really help alleviate some stress in our fast paced, work centered culture. The costs can also be beneficial, taking turns cooking and making meals, dividing up the chores, and a greater variety of talents to utilize.
As I mentioned earlier, some areas around the world have multiple generations living in one room. In America, we think we need so much space! And what do we do with the space? We fill it with stuff. But people and relationships are what are important. It seems as though humans are always trying to build walls and put space between them and others, but I think this just makes the problems worse. (I do have to say, we are all moving to a much larger house than we were renting, so will see how things go there.)
Cohousing is practiced by the happiest country in the world. I watched a documentary on Netflix about Denmark, and how it is the happiest country in the world. They suggested one part may be due to the large amount of cohousing that occurs there. They may even have up to 30 or more people living together with a shared kitchen, living space, but private rooms and areas for families. With that many people, they only have to cook once a month!
Every day is like a comedy tv show. Living together has given Eggs and I much deeper and richer life experiences, our relationship is great and everyday is full of surprises, love and laughter. It totally reminds me of Full House.
