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ROGUES! S07E06 - PLAYING KETCHUP
INT. UNKNOWN PLACE. EARLY.
HARVEY
(groans)
EDWARD
Welcome back to the world of the dubious compos mentis.
HARVEY
What -
HARVEY struggles against his rope bonds.
HARVEY
What the-- hell?
EDWARD
And I just went to Cosmo, too. What a senseless waste.
HARVEY
What’s going on?
EDWARD
Oh, you’re hardly new to this. You’ve been kidnapped, Atticus. Though I see you put up a fight first, which is why Thing One’s face looked like a plate of raw ground beef.
HEAVY
Oy, fuck you.
EDWARD
That’s a big flaccid pass on that one.
HARVEY
Fantastic. Tied to a chair with Edward Nygma. (Woe is me)
EDWARD
You’re telling me: this is all so clichéd. They could’ve at least tried chaining us to pipes, but then again, I would’ve simply picked the locks.
HARVEY
So much for just wanting a word.
EDWARD
In my experience, no one wants just one of anything.
HARVEY
What did we do to deserve this?
EDWARD
You or me? Or us?
HARVEY
We.
EDWARD
Oh, well, that clears that up. Got any outstanding warrants?
HARVEY
No.
EDWARD
Hurt anyone who didn’t want you to?
HARVEY
Not lately.
EDWARD
(snickering) My condolences.
HARVEY
Shut up.
EDWARD
Then I imagine it’s because you’re the Mayor’s terribly useful DA.
HARVEY
Like we didn’t feel enough like a pawn already. What about you?
EDWARD
I think I’m more of a knight.
HARVEY
No, why are you here?
EDWARD
I have enough outstanding parking tickets to wallpaper a senior citizen’s living room in a fascinating new colour.
HARVEY
Really?
EDWARD
No.
HARVEY
(losing patience) Could you be straight with us for one goddamn second and cut the bullshit?
EDWARD
(scoff) What’s in it for me?
HARVEY
Well, we won’t - uh -
EDWARD
Hit me?
HARVEY
Damn it.
EDWARD
Now say please, if you really want to know.
HARVEY
...
EDWARD
Weeeeeeell?
HARVEY
...
EDWARD
Aww, you’re no fun. (chuckles) Fine, Oswald refused to take Harper seriously so the latter is isolating the former from his valuable resources.
HARVEY
Who’s Harper?
EDWARD
The newest piece on the board.
HARVEY
So this is all some kind of vendetta that has nothing to do with us?
EDWARD
Indeed. There isn’t a month that goes by in this city without getting caught in the crossfire of yet another pissing contest.
HARVEY
What do we do now?
EDWARD
Look, that plural pronoun of yours makes it quite challenging to ascertain whether you’re including me in said collective pronoun. Do you realise that?
HARVEY
Ohh, for fuck’s sake!
HARVEY struggles against the ropes some more.
EDWARD
You’re only going in giving yourself a nasty rope burn - on top of your other nasty burns.
HARVEY
(snarls) Says you.
EDWARD
Trust me, I tried while you were taking eighty winks: they know their knots.
HARVEY
Don’t you carry a knife?
EDWARD
They took it, along with everything else I was carrying. Still not thrilled with that thanks. But, since we’re on the subject, why didn’t you just shoot them when they came for you?
HARVEY
Why didn’t you?
EDWARD
For once this isn’t about something I did, so I wanted to know what the backstory was. Your aggression defeats your curiosity, every time.
HARVEY
We don’t take our guns to work any more.
EDWARD
Self-control? (amused) But what if someone tried to kidnap you?
HARVEY
Look, if we had them last time we saw Oswald, he would’ve been shot.
EDWARD
Guess we missed out on living in that particular timeline. God, when did New Harvey start being good? What happened to Harvey Classic, busting kneecaps and shooting people in the face?
HARVEY
We wouldn’t expect someone like you to understand.
EDWARD
Oh yes, pity poor Edward: he’s a naughty man who’s going to be sorry, one day.
HARVEY
(sigh) Any idea where we are?
EDWARD
One of our fine city’s decrepit warehouses would be our over-educated guess.
HARVEY
Our guess? Who?
EDWARD
Oh no, I just got caught up in the bit. We can argue over which one of us is Jack Tripper later.
HARVEY
(sighs)
EDWARD
So. Who do you think is going to rescue us, then?
HARVEY
(grumbles) Oswald won’t even know we’re gone until the car doesn’t pick him up by itself.
EDWARD
Feeling underappreciated, are we?
HARVEY
What do you care?
EDWARD
I don’t: I’ve just recently inherited a great deal of free time, so I thought I’d try my luck.
HARVEY
Doesn’t Crane usually turn up to spring you loose?
EDWARD
One time is an occurrence, not a habit. You know I saved his worthless ass too, and I don’t plan on doing it again. We’re all square. Even Stevens. Finito.
HARVEY
We take it you two aren’t so pally these days?
EDWARD
Pally? What are you, Frank Sinatra?
HARVEY
What happened?
EDWARD
Haha, no.
HARVEY
Not even to spend your inheritance?
EDWARD
No.
HARVEY
Fine. What about your henches?
EDWARD
They are paid to come when I call, not to hang out: they won’t notice until the checks dry up and, not to brag, but that’s going to take a long goddamn time.
HARVEY
You are such a pain in the ass.
EDWARD
And you’re the one who asked.
HARVEY
So we’re boned, then.
EDWARD
Yes. At this very moment, we are thoroughly fileted and gutted. But not to worry, out of the Two of us, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
HARVEY
Very reassuring.
Pause. Edward gets a thought.
EDWARD
Hmm...
HARVEY
Hmm?
EDWARD
Alright, Mr. District Attorney. Tell me something.
HARVEY
(wary) What?
EDWARD
Why do you like Rent more than La Bohème, its progenitor and superior? And don’t start by saying the songs are better, because we both know that’s nonsense.
HARVEY
You’re going down this road because we can’t strangle you, aren’t you?
EDWARD
Only partly: I’m also interested.
HARVEY
Alright then. (clears throat)
CUT TO:
INT. UNKNOWN PLACE. UNKNOWN TIME. ELSEWHERE.
GARRETT
Where the fuck is Kieran?
TOMMY
Out.
GARRETT
Somehow, I figured that part out, Tommy. Where out?
TOMMY
That was all he said, Garrett. Out.
KIERAN enters with some henches, laughing.
GARRETT
What did you do?
KIERAN
What are you on about? We were just takin’ in some of the night life.
GARRETT
Scanner’s been going mental. Sayin’ there was an explosion at the Iceberg Lounge.
KIERAN
So you blame the Irishman, don’tcha.
HENCHES laugh.
GARRETT
Don’t you fuckin’ start with that. Was it you?
KIERAN
Remember who you’re talking to, Garrett.
GARRETT
I know exactly who I’m talking to.
KIERAN
I didn’t blow it up. Alright? I mean, someone may have called in a bomb threat to clear the building, but I was helping the man. Even lent him some equipment to help him rebuild. Delivered it personally.
HENCH
Airmail. First class.
GARRETT
What?
KIERAN
You remember that M-26 we found out by the wreckage of Warehouse 6?
GARRETT
Fuck sake.
KIERAN
Turns out she’s a gutsy bastard. Can pick an Off-Road Dumper right up. (whistles)
HENCH
Yeh, drops it just as easy, eh Boss?
GARRETT
We don’t even know who that helicopter belongs to, and you’re takin’ it out for fuckin’ joy rides? You’ve kicked the hornets’ nest, Kieran, the fucking hornets’ nest.
KIERAN
Well, I don’t see you “sending a message”, Garrett. Unless your plan is to wait for Oswald to die of fuckin’ old age.
GARRETT
Is that right. Follow me.
They’re walking; they open a door.
GARRETT
This is what I wanted to show you: allow me to introduce Edward Nygma, and Harvey Dent. Mayor Cobblepot’s Deputy and District Attorney, respectively. A more subtle message than dropping a truck into the fucking Iceberg Lounge.
HARVEY
Who did what now?
EDWARD
I still had a good coat in the (coat check).
KIERAN
Mister Dent... I’ll be buggered, two faces and they both look like a slapped arse.
HARVEY
Come a little closer, we’ll see how many faces you walk away with.
KIERAN
(laughs) I can see why Oswald keeps you nearby.
EDWARD
Hey! If anyone is going to be talked to around here, it’s going to be me. So you can just Riverdance your ass around here, right quick. (pause) Good. Now then... who the hell are you and why should I care?
KIERAN
Who am I? I’m the thorn in Cobblepot’s side, pretty boy. The constant reminder that no matter how far he runs, no matter where he hides, he can’t outrun his past. The penance that is always on his mind, and the last words in his dying breath.
EDWARD
Oh my God...
KIERAN
You know me now?
EDWARD
I can’t believe it. Harvey - it’s the Condiment King! Oh man, is this a prank? Where are the cameras?
HARVEY
The fuck kinda name is that?
KIERAN makes an unhappy noise.
EDWARD
You know, I recognise that Cheshire grin from the label on a particular jar we received.
KIERAN
And what’d your boss think of that?
EDWARD
Nothing much. As for me, (obnoxious grin) I didn’t relish it. (laughing)
KIERAN
You’ve gotta be fucking joking.
EDWARD
No, that’s the other guy, so you’re in a real pickle: I have no idea who you think you are. Harvey?
HARVEY
Way he described himself, we thought he was gout.
EDWARD
Ha! Apparently there’s a few things Oswald can’t outrun.
HARVEY
Disease of Kings.
EDWARD
And Emperors.
KIERAN
Enough! The name is Harper. Kieran Harper.
EDWARD
And, by mayo definition, you mustard a whole lot of courage, coming here.
KIERAN
Shut up about fucking condiments or you’ll regret it!
Obnoxious pause…
EDWARD
… Chutney.
KIERAN punches EDWARD, whose head hits the back of HARVEY’s.
EDWARD
Yep, there it is. (stretches his jaw) Fuck’s sake, why is it always my face? I mean, is it me?
HARVEY
Yes.
EDWARD
(louder) We may never know! It’s truly one of life’s great mysteries.
KIERAN
You two really have no idea, do you?
EDWARD
Oop, there’s exposition coming up, isn’t there? I hope your ass hasn’t gone to sleep yet, Harvey, we’re getting ourselves monologued.
HARVEY
Too late.
KIERAN
Harpers never go starting fights, Mr. Nygma, but we know how to end them.
KIERAN
There was a war on, and where there’s war, there’s bullets. The Harpers had the lead and the zinc, and the Cobblepots had the copper. Neither family supported the war, but there was no denying - war makes money.
KIERAN
So Cobblepot’s father and my father agreed to help the allies, after the Kabelputs became Cobblepots, if you catch my meaning.
KIERAN
But once enough money was made, the Cobblepots decided they didn’t want to work with the Harpers anymore - they wanted to buy them out. My father wasn’t having it. He tried to renegotiate a deal more favourable to Cobblepot, but there was no appeasing him.
KIERAN
Some threats were made, accidents began happening in the mines. My father was a soft heart, he kept trying to bring a peaceful solution, but it was becoming clear that the Cobblepots would only understand strength, and force.
KIERAN
We paid Oswald’s father a visit one night to make our position clear. Words were exchanged, and tempers raged. He was the first man I ever killed. Shot dead in the street. Regrettable, but hopefully that would be the end of it.
KIERAN
What we learned that day was that Oswald’s father was just a figurehead. An empty suit. The real power was his... demon of a mother. By the end of the next night, my father, mother, and brothers were all dead or missing.
KIERAN
I knew I was next, so I did the only things that made any sense. I copped to the murder. They locked me up, and I was finally safe. I thought there was no way I could be touched inside, but I woke one day to find your man Oswald sitting in the tree by my cell’s window. Hung around him, the heads of my family. I spent the rest of my term watching them swing until decay took them.
KIERAN
I learned that the Cobblepots… they aren’t human. They’re devils, and I will exorcise each and every one of them.
KIERAN
By your face, I’d wager you didn’t know you were working for such a monster.
EDWARD
Hm? No, no we did.
HARVEY
Obviously.
EDWARD
You know - I’m more just… mildly impressed that someone who wasn’t an elementary schooler was able to climb a tree with a satchel full of heads. It’s so indicative of that all-American can-do spirit, y’know?
HARVEY
We’re feeling inspired.
EDWARD
(gasp) It could go on his next campaign poster. You know, to really get him ahead in the polls.
KIERAN
Well, we’ll see who’s laughing when the dust settles, won’t we?
EDWARD
Gosh, I hope it’s me!
KIERAN grunts and leaves the room with the others. Door slamming.
EDWARD
(chuckling) Ahh... so anyway. Rent.
HARVEY
Seriously?
EDWARD
Yup. Let’s hear the rest of it.
CUT TO:
EXT. GOTHAM MEMORIAL. MORNING.
DICK
You’re sure you’re okay? You didn’t get hurt?
WAYLON
Dick Grayson, you are always gonna be a mystery to me. You’re laid out in bed and checkin’ to see if I’M alright. You don’t need to worry about ol’ Waylon. You just get on your feet and get better, y’hear?
DICK
I will, Waylon. And thank you for coming to see me.
WAYLON
Hey, I’d a been here a lot sooner if the staff had let me in. But someone made a call I guess, ‘cause now I get everything except a red carpet.
DICK laughs. Winces slightly.
WAYLON
You take care, son. I’m always around if you need.
DICK
Thank you, Waylon. For everything.
WAYLON
Always.
WAYLON closes the door, walks through the hall a bit.
WAYLON
Oh, now is that? Jonny! Hey Jonny!
JONATHAN
Hmm? Oh. Waylon. What’re you doin’ in the hospital?
WAYLON
I got a friend upstairs: could ask you the same, though.
JONATHAN
(scoffs) I got no friends upstairs, that’s for damn sure. Files. Bringin’ them over from Arkham.
WAYLON
You know they got fax machines, right? For about... forty years now?
JONATHAN
I don’t keep up with the new trends.
WAYLON
(snickers) Alright, good to see ya anyhow.
JONATHAN
Yeah, right.
Both start to walk off. JON turns.
JONATHAN
Hey Waylon, I feel I should say... the last time we spoke, I was...
WAYLON
A bit of a dickhead?
JONATHAN
A bit uncouth... yeah. I wanted to say...
WAYLON
You don’t gotta say nothin’. By all accounts, I shouldn’t’ve been a part of any of that, and clearly, I wasn’t the problem. But hey, what kind of a man would good ol’ Jonny Crane be if he wasn’t out to make everyone as miserable as he is?
JONATHAN
Sweet of you to notice.
WAYLON
Not like ya were goin’ to apologise ta me anyway, right?
JONATHAN
Nothin’ to apologise for.
WAYLON
There ya go. Can’t blame a snake for not likin’ his tail stepped on.
JONATHAN
I guess not.
WAYLON
So I’ll jus’ be sorry for keepin’ secrets from ya, forgive ya for being an asshole, and then we’ll be all square.
JONATHAN
Heh, sounds good. (clears throat) So - who’s the friend?
WAYLON
Grayson. Got into a scrap with a real strange fella. Rusky. Scars. Heh, hell of a lot more scars now after I got through with him.
JONATHAN
I think his file came past my desk. Victor... something.
WAYLON
I didn’t catch the name, but he left Dick in a bad way. Both them boys.
JONATHAN
Both? Somethin’ happen to... what’s his name?
WAYLON
Todd. Jason.
JONATHAN
Right.
WAYLON
He’s lookin’ a little...
JONATHAN
Cracked?
WAYLON
Somethin’ like that. Like a big bomb with a long fuse.
JONATHAN
Well, I wouldn’t know.
WAYLON
How’re you and Eddie doin’ now?
JONATHAN
There is no ‘and’ there, Waylon. I got Ikky back, we’re done.
WAYLON
Guess ya know best, Jonny.
JONATHAN
Most of the time. Take her easy, Waylon.
WAYLON
You got it.
JONATHAN
Oh yeah, I been meanin’ to ask you.
WAYLON
Hmm?
JONATHAN
Why was there a dildo in the front seat of my truck?
WAYLON
(chuckles) Heh. You wouldn’t believe me if I told ya.
JONATHAN
Fair enough.
WAYLON leaves, and JONATHAN goes outside.
CUT TO:
EXT. GOTHAM MEMORIAL. SAME TIME.
BRUCE walks into JONATHAN.
JONATHAN
Jesus, watch where you’re goi-- Ah, Mister Wayne. I trust you’re here to visit your boy?
BRUCE
I am, but if you have a moment, I’d like to go over a few protocol changes regarding ARC - only if you have the time.
JONATHAN
I really need to be on my way.
BRUCE
Won’t take a moment.
JONATHAN
[sighs] Seems I can’t say no.
BRUCE
Let’s get out of the doorway. I know a place we can talk with less interruption.
EXT. ALLEY BESIDE GOTHAM MEMORIAL - SAME TIME.
JONATHAN
Seems a little out of the way for talking shop.
BRUCE
I know you’ve been seeing Jason.
JONATHAN
I have no idea what you’re talkin’ about.
BRUCE
What has he told you? What ideas have you been putting into his head?
JONATHAN
Oh now, you’re no stranger to privilege, Mr. Wayne - so you should know why I’m not gonna tell you a god damn thing.
BRUCE shoves JONATHAN against a wall.
BRUCE
You’re trying to turn them against me, aren’t you?
JONATHAN
What the fuck are you on about?
BRUCE
Is this some new ploy, break it all down from within? Drag them over to your side? I won’t let you.
JONATHAN
(starts to laugh) Jesus Christ... You really believe that, don’t you?
BRUCE
Give me one good reason to think otherwise.
JONATHAN
If it puts a little starch in your britches, then go ahead and hit me. (spits blood) But you’re dead wrong.
BRUCE
Talk.
JONATHAN
Your brave little soldier came to me. I could go my whole damn day not seein’ any patients, but no - he asked for me.
BRUCE
Why would he want you?
JONATHAN
Because I’m not you.
BRUCE snarls and hits JONATHAN again.
JONATHAN
(laughing) This is all you know how to do, isn’t it?
BRUCE punches him again.
JONATHAN
(laughing) You have... nothing, Bruce. You’re wailing on me because you think I’m slippin’ in at night and sprinkling seeds of dissent into your precious babies’ minds? [laughs] I’m not the one pullin’ him into the dark. You’re pushin’ him in there all by yourself. It’s all you.
BRUCE is momentarily lost for words.
BRUCE
... I have to go. See my son.
JONATHAN
This one’s not goin’ anywhere. You should try trackin’ down the other one. While he’s still around to track.
BRUCE
You don’t know who I’m talking about.
JONATHAN
Yes, I do. And so does he.
BRUCE storms off in a rage.
JONATHAN
(quoting) Faith, sir. - as to that matter, I don’t believe one-half of it myself. (stretches, winces) Fuck.
CUT TO:
INT. OSWALD COBBLEPOT’S PRIVATE ROOMS. EVENING.
OSWALD is on the phone; a fire is crackling in the grate.
OSWALD
You must be jesting. A dump truck falls from the bloody sky and you have the hide to say you find no probable cause to investigate?
The CALLER on the other end is largely inaudible.
CALLER
Claims adjuster’s writing it off as an act of God, and -
OSWALD
(losing his temper) Act of God?! Where do you worship?
OSWALD slams down the telephone and snarls with rage.
OSWALD
(muttering under his breath) My bloody property. My bloody staff. The bloody impertinence of it all - bloody cheek. (grumbles off into raging noises)
OPHELIA appears, standing in the doorway. She is elegant and restrained; never one to lose herself in a passionate manner.
OPHELIA
(I’m sorry to disturb you - but I’m ready.)
OSWALD
Yes, yes, of course. I appreciate your due haste.
OPHELIA
(Of course.)
OSWALD
You understand that things are rather too hot at present. And now, with my lounge destroyed and my men either kidnapped or living in a jar, it’s better to simply... take you off the board. As simply and elegantly as possible.
OPHELIA
(I appreciate your efforts. Sincerely.)
OSWALD
The driver awaits you outside and the jet is awaiting your pleasure. Tell no one where you are, especially if it’s me asking.
OPHELIA
(I’ll miss you, my darling.)
OSWALD
And I you. I’ll call you back when it’s time.
OPHELIA
(‘Til we see each other again.)
OPHELIA leaves. OSWALD grumbles to himself.
OSWALD
(quoting) I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul. If that little shit didn’t learn the first time not to fuck with Cobblepots, I will be delighted to re-educate him.
first time drawing jervis,,, kinda nervous. i love btas jervis and i'll only draw him this way
not my first time drawing edward but it's the first time i'm satisfied by how he looks, i always struggle to draw my favorite characters (seriously it took me 1 hour to get his face the way i wanted to)