This is lowkey a rant... so...
I don't usually post this stuff but I don't feel like bothering my friends about it again so
At the time of writing this, I have lost my ability to tell time.
Or at least my body has. I’ve been going to bed at 2, 4, 6 am. There isn’t really a sleep schedule anymore. Because there isn’t really sleep, anymore.
I’m 17. 2008 baby. I don’t know if that makes me unc or new gen. I hope new gen. I am, at the time of writing this, eight months away from adulthood.
I’m a senior in high school. It’s the first semester, so it’s been application hell. And, shockingly, for the first time ever, no one gets how this feels.
I mean the existential dread of applying to colleges, sure that’s universal. Especially if you’re the standard gifted kid trying to prove to the world that youve still got it.
I go to a high achieving (magnet) high school that specializes in the arts: theater, music, dance, visual arts, and communications (the hufflepuff of my school), etc. I’m a communications major.
I specialize in creative writing and film, but specifically I am really into animation. Note how I’m not a visual arts major. I was never the art kid growing up. I drew as much as any kid, but when i wasnt perfect at it, i figured
When I was 15 I had a big turning point in my life, wearing a yellow cardigan if you get me.
And for some reason, afterwards I picked up 3d modeling and stop motion. I fell in love with animation.
I bought the 12 principles of animation book, read it from head to toe, and kept working.
I turned 16. I made a stop motion short for my film final. It wasnt crazy good but it did take a bunch of effort and love.
People began asking me what I wanted to do for college. And there was really only one thing I was living for.
I looked into animation schools. Calarts, ArtCenter, Sheridan, USC, Gobelins. I only looked at the crazy good ones. Why try if it wasn’t going to be perfect?
I made outlines. I made schedules. I planned how to improve my figure drawing, when to animate, every piece needed for every school done at this exact hour of this exact day.
The schedules failed. And initially I want to say “so did I.”
But that’s not the case, really. The truth is, life happened.
And I planned for time, not energy. Which led to lots of me staring at empty character model sheets and doing absolutely nothing.
I spent all of my days at school, in my 7 classes, 5 of which are AP and 3 of which are portfolio. I never had time to prep for my college portfolios.
And now it’s December 1st and my USC deadline is in 12 hours.
In case I hadn’t stressed myself out enough with my time they put the little time of the deadline in the top of the application portal. A constant reminder.
Luckily USC is my only December deadline. Most fall in January, and this week has beat me so low I know I’ll have to plan better next month.
I’ve spent all my days working. I’ve had multiple cold brews at two in the morning just to work for a little longer. And I don’t even know if I’ll finish at this point.
This school isn’t like Calarts or Sheridan or Gobelins. It isn’t crazy well known and it doesn’t have a lot of accepted portfolio videos. It’s portfolio outline has four examples and doesn’t tell you which they prefer.
USC is my lowest acceptance rate school. Their animation program at their school of cinematic arts is 3%. Half of calarts'. I don’t think I’d be trying so hard at this portfolio if it weren’t for a scholarship I have called questbridge that practically guarantees less than 10k a year tuition.
I have put literal blood sweat and tears into this. Like actually all three have gotten onto my sketchbook. And it just feels so demoralizing.
Because I don’t know what they want from me.
And I dont have the time to refine to perfection.
And I dont have the skills to quickly whip out masterpieces like visual majors can.
I’m newgen. It takes me time. I’m slow and even then I’m just above mid.
And at this point it feels like I’m putting all of this time into this for a guaranteed rejection letter.
Maybe this is all because I’ve been forgetting to take my zoloft and not sleeping more than 3 hours a night.
But also I know I do have a point. And I know I want to quit.
And I know, that I won’t. But I'm exhausted.
