I'm curious, it was mentioned that Collins never talked about any past relationships, so was he aware that he was into men before Quinn?
Oh yeah, he knew ☺️ he's known he was bi with more of a preference for men at a pretty young age and he's had various sexual encounters over the years but just never anything serious beyond convenient sex buddy status.
Outside of a random one off every now and again, the interest wasn't really there, plus, he was conscripted into the military at like 13 or 14 (I'm forgetting his actual age) and he was put in pretty intensive training right away and then tossed into the wars soon after so there wasn't much time or opportunity.
He spent the majority of his life truly not thinking himself capable of actually having (or even desiring) a romantic relationship with anyone until he met Quinn and even then he tried to brush it off.
Quinn surprised him even before the mutiny. He was very drawn to him and would find himself aware of him in a way he wasn't with anyone else. When Quinn walked in the room, Collins felt it and he stayed aware of him and his movements until Quinn left the room and then he felt himself physically relax and that deep awareness snap back.
He was quite confused by it! He knew he was attracted to Quinn but I don't think he realized that it was even possible for him to go beyond basic physical/sexual attraction until things got a little more intense but he'd never experienced it before!! He's settled into it nicely though 🥰 that man is so in love lol
are there any moments of Quinn’s captivity that really stick with Collins? Images he can’t get out of his head?
GUH!! Great question, anon!!
It's so strange for Collins to remember what he was like before that night he brought Quinn to his quarters. He feels like a completely different man and it shreds his heart to realize how much he looked away.
But back then, Collins took great care in avoiding Quinn whenever it was humanly possible. He didn't see him much at all, even though he heard about Quinn and the things that had been done to him every time he was with the crew. Quinn was, quite literally, the main source of entertainment for most of them so the conversation constantly and inevitably turned to Quinn quite quickly.
But here's a few that really stick with him ...
There was, of course, that glimpse of Quinn being strung up in the mess hall surrounded by almost all the crew. That one will haunt him until his dying day. Sometimes he thinks it would have been better to have seen what actually happened because the images his mind fills in during his nightmares has to be worse... but maybe not. Probably not.
Collins would willingly gouge his eyes out if it allowed him to forget that particular memory. But he has no right to forget, he knows better than that.
But there are two others that really stick with him.
The first was at the airlock with Murphy and the rest of the mutineers. Collins was barely looking at Quinn then. He kept his eyes dutifully ahead, for the most part, and tried to stay professionally detached. But the horrific sound Quinn made, when Collins lifted the lever that opened the airlock 🥺 that he'll never forget. Quinn wailed. As hands tore off his clothes and dragged him away, he was screaming and sobbing, but not for himself. The agony, the pain, the loss, in that sound...
He shakes his head hard whenever he thinks of it. Almost as if he could shake the memory of that horrific sound out of his mind.
He still hears its echoes sometimes though, when Quinn is having a nightmare. He can't explain it except to say the quality of the moans change, the way he cries out. He knows he's dreaming about that moment instead of all the rest Quinn endured.
Quinn clings to him in his sleep, quietly crying for the lives of his friends, friends that Collins himself executed, that he murdered. Collins can barely stand the guilt that wraps itself around his throat, so torn between wanting desperately to be the source of comfort Quinn needs in that moment and a deep, aching need to tear himself away from the man he loves because he simply has no right to be touching him. The guilt Collins carries is very very heavy. He thinks that too, is right. It should be heavy.
The second one, it was a breif moment, a passing in the hall.
He remembers the feeling that washed over him when he turned the corner and saw Quinn from down the hall. Jackson had him by the arm, his hands bound in front of him, and Quinn looked like hell. Collins hadn't seen him for at least a week at this point and what he saw made his steps falter. Quinn's entire left side of his face was covered in bruises, deep purple and greens, some old, some new. His torso was battered and his thighs...
Collins swallowed down bile as he got closer.
He barely looked like Quinn anymore.
Jackson nodded in acknowledgement to Collins as they approached, Collins nodded back, but just as they were about to pass, Quinn stumbled. It seemed his legs simply gave out on him. Collins felt his body twitch, an instinct to help someone so hurt, but he swallowed it down when Jackson quickly caught Quinn by the collar before his knees even hit the ground, and Quinn choked quietly as he allowed himself to be dragged back to his feet.
Quinn's eyes flashed to Collins', nothing but a fraction of a second before Jackson shoved him forward. He stumbled again and fell, landing hard on his shoulder. He was so weak. Jackson laughed. He opened the door to Quinn's right, the door to Jackson's quarters, and lifted the man up by his arms before shoving him into the room. The door shut behind them and Collins couldn't move.
The entire scene was horrific. But what stuck with him was the look in Quinn's eyes when he looked at Collins.
There was so much emotion swimming in his eyes, fear, exhaustion, anger, shame, acceptance, but it was what wasn't there that slapped Collins right in the face.
Quinn wasn't looking at him for help.
Not even a little bit.
And he wasn't there to help. Despite everything in his body and mind and soul telling him this was wrong. He would obey orders and walk by, like he always did.
And Quinn knew that.
If anything, Collins was just one tormentor among many in Quinn's mind that day. Certainly not a savior.
And that truth breaks Collins' heart every damn day. Because he wasn't there. He didn't help him. Quinn was left to fight and survive on his own.
It made him sick then and even more so now.
For so long, far too long, he was just as bad as the rest of them. Why would Quinn ever look to Collins for help? How could he?
But he does 🥺 now he does. He looks to Collins every single day with love and warmth and trust and Collins deeply believes, knows, that he is deserving of absolutely none of it.
sorry I’m obsessed with your characters so much but I was thinking about not Quinn but COLLINS having a ptsd like reaction while having sex. Like Quinn is in a certain position and suddenly Collins violently remembers passing by a room and seeing him in the same position only in the hands of the crew. UGH the layersssss
😭😭😭
I love that you're obsessed!!!! Your obsession feeds my soul!!! ♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️
And oof!! Oh Collins 🥺
He is so painfully aware that any and all touch could potentially trigger Quinn in some way he can't even predict.
Even just laying in bed, with Quinn sleeping with his head on his chest, his fingers curled into tight fists as he whimpers through another nightmare, Collins worries himself sick thinking that it's him triggering Quinn in that moment. It's his body pressed against Quinn's, his arm wrapped around his shoulders.
It scares him to death.
He's tried to pull away, or loosen his grip, or try to gently pull out from under Quinn so he doesn't feel any unwanted touch. But almost every time, Quinn just holds onto him even tighter, or wakes up with terror in his eyes only to be quickly replaced with relief once he recognizes that it's Collins in the bed with him.
Sex is just an entirely more complicated thing! Collins is really good at recognizing the signs that Quinn is beginning to touch on unwanted memories in the moment and he so gently eases back and waits to see where Quinn wants to go next. It's such a slow process and Quinn is so often more frustrated than Collins could ever be about it all.
But he's SO aware. Unwanted images flash through his mind with even the suggestion of Quinn laid out before him. It's nothing he's actually seen though. (beyond the time with the captain and Hawkins, that was the most he saw for himself) Collins never saw him in the act any other time. Even in the mess hall, he left far before anything began, but he's heard all the details, and he's seen much of the aftermath. His imagination is strong enough for him to fill in any details he didn't see for himself.
I know they haven't quite gotten to having full on sex quite yet, but they've experimented and tested some of both of their boundaries.
The one that stops Collins short and strikes terror in his heart is when Quinn whines. He wishes he could love the sound, the breathy, high pitched whine from the back of his throat when his head is thrown back and his eyes are fluttering with want and pleasure... but Quinn makes sounds like that in his nightmares 🥺 they're mixed with terrified weeping and anguished moans but that keening whine lives there too, in Quinn's nightmares and in his memories and Collins knows those sounds too well at this point to be the one responsible for them.
Collins will hear those sounds and he can't help but stop, he drops his head to the warmth of Quinn's neck and mutters his apologies into his skin. Quinn assures him that he's ok, that it feels good, that he wants this but it's just so hard to get past it all. For them both.
And neither one of them pushes the other in those moments. They just hold each other and ensure one another that they are safe and exactly where they want to be. Sometimes they are able to start again, but sometimes not, and that's ok too.
Quinn knows the sounds he makes are a bit of a trigger for Collins and he's determined to rewrite those memories in Collins' brain! He's determined to whine happily and quietly into his neck when they hold each other in the morning, to moan lightly into his mouth when he knows Collins can see the smile on his face and the playful glint in his eyes. It's going to take so much time, but they'll get there!!
Quinn is determined to get there! Lol even more than Collins is ♥️ Collins would be so content just being able to hold Quinn close every night and kiss his neck after he's gotten out of the shower every morning. But Quinn wants more and, step by aching step, he'll make sure they are both not only safe in each other's arms but well satisfied 😏
would Quinn go to Prim or Collins once he realizes there’s footage?
Oh he'd go to Collins for sure. He'd realize right away that Collins must have seen some of it or had access to it and he'd want to know what was there.
There'd be so much desperation in his energy, an almost panicked need to see it.
He'd ask what Collins had seen and Collins would tell him as calmly and controlled as he was able. He'd ask if the crew had seen it and he'd get visibly angry at the thought. Collins would tell him it was only the Captain and he'd tell him the specific footage that was requested, but assure him no one else saw it.
They'd go to Prim together.
Collins and Prim would both tell him that they worry it might do more harm than good to see the footage but they would honor his wishes and Quinn would not be told no about this. He'd be insistent.
It would take no less than three panic attacks for him to get through what still remained and he'd likely get physically ill at least once. 🥺
Quinn wouldn't quite understand why he regrets that Prim deleted the rest and he'd want to see that too. Something about regaining control and watching it from this strange birdseye view gave him an almost detached feeling about it. It felt just slightly better than the memories he had of those moments, as if it wasn't really him.
It's honestly his physical appearance that would shock him the most. I mean, he knew. He felt it. He had caught glimpses of himself here and there and he knew what he looked like after he was rescued but still, seeing himself like that. I don't think that would ever not be a shock.
Prim kept some of what happened to him in the mess hall, mainly because everyone that was executed was involved so she figured she wouldn't have to keep some of the other footage with only one or two crew members here and there. She also kept a clip of the Captain dragging Quinn down a hall by his hair with the gag in his mouth and his hands bound behind his back. It was the only footage that had a clear image of the Captain actively hurting Quinn and not just walking him down a corridor or watching him. The brutality was evident and would lend no questions to the Captain's culpability in what was done to Quinn. Seeing the Captain again... yeah, not good. Not good at all.
His nightmares would return full force but in the end, he'd be grateful he saw them and that there's evidence of what was done to him outside of his own scarred body and broken mind 🥺
neeeed to hear more about this disassociation coping mechanism of Collins’
Aw Collins! He doesn't mean to! And he didn't even know it was a thing until the Captain assaulted him.
He's undergone MONTHS of captivity and torture during the wars and he never felt himself slip away like he did with the Captain, especially not that quickly
Sure, he'd drifted in and out of consciousness, he'd gone slightly delirious from exhaustion, he'd been lost in a fever dream from his wounds fighting off infection, but never that.
That felt different. And it still terrifies him.
It just happened so quickly. He wasn't even that hurt yet, but the moment the Captain cuffed him and pushed him against the desk, he slipped. He remembers how his body felt both heavy and light, his world slightly tilted off its axis, how it was as if his mind was blanketed in some heavy fog but just slightly outside of his own body. He remembers how it felt right somehow, easier even, to give up control to his captain. Thankfully, Quinn stopped it before he slipped away completely but the loss of control and the way his body and mind just gave in, it haunts him.
Collins still has nightmares about what would have happened if Quinn hadn't shot him. Even if the Captain would have lowered his weapon and taken his focus off Quinn, he doesn't think he would have been able to fight back like he'd planned to. Being assaulted in that way, it was as if it completely disarmed him. He's a fighter, a protector, he's supposed to stand up for those he loves, but he knows he was completely pliant in that moment and Collins doesn't know how he is supposed to feel about that.
That was all it took. Not even a handful of seconds of the Captain forcing himself into him, the pain shredding his insides like broken glass, the humiliation of bending himself over the table and allowing this to happen, barely a blink of an eye and he broke. It truly astonishes him how Quinn can be as whole as he is. Just a few thrusts and Collins felt shattered beyond repair. His mind fleeing that tortured reality practically before it even began.
He felt so weak, compliant, the mindless sounds he made- it all still echoes in his dreams. He fears that his mind has become weak, unable to withstand even a fraction of what he'd endured in the past. He is genuinely terrified of ever getting captured again. He isn't sure he'd last, not this time.
Quinn assures him that this isn't true, but even then, he reminds Collins that he simply shouldn't have to be as strong as he is. He shouldn't have to endure agony and exhaustion and the endless threat of violence, not anymore. That was his old life, their old life. They get to choose now, how to move forward. And maybe, just maybe, they could choose a life that's just a bit softer this time 🥺
UGH thinking about that wail you described in the ask and realizing the next time Collins heard it was when HE was being put in the cage MY HEART
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Well now YOU made me cry!! I gasped when I read this!
I want Collins to put this together so so badly!! He still has such a hard time truly understanding how much Quinn loves him 😭 he feels it, he knows the truth of that love, but damn if his guilt doesn't stop him from truly believing it is even possible.
Uuuhhh, are we gonna see Quinn crying in ecstasy with Collins at some point? They are so precious to me omg I cannot tell you enough🥹❤️
Anon! I'm trying!! 😭😭
This is the piece I'm supposed to be writing for you all but damn it! I've got such a mental block about consensual sex!! I've never been able to write it but I thought I could with our guys! But I really really struggle with it, more than I thought apparently!
I'm still trying, I promise! I have some down on paper but damn if my brain doesn't flail into the void every time I try to get them to where they need to be! 🤯
They are so precious and so good together and I WANT TO SEE IT TOO!!
Thank you so much for the ask though ♥️♥️♥️♥️ I'm determined to work this out and get over my mental blocks. I can write noncon no problem damn it! God forbid they be in love though 😒😫 silly brain!
was the captain a little into Collins? We know he has had a longstanding thing for Quinn but in both the main story and said the captain seems to jump at the chance to act on Collins too
At first, he honestly only saw Collins as his very effective and loyal attack dog. He was a tool to be used and nothing more.
If Collins had betrayed the Captain in any other circumstance, he would have just killed him outright. He seriously saw him as nothing more than a dispensable soldier and one he would have no qualms eliminating if necessary.
It was the Captain's obsession with Quinn, his need to control and humiliate him, that ended up bleeding all over Collins.
Quinn felt safe around Collins, he found comfort there, and the Captain saw that. He could see that they shared a palpable connection and it made him sick to his stomach. He could feel his control over Quinn start to slip through his fingers and, since it was truly about Quinn instead of Collins, and the Captain mainly saw Quinn through this lens of sexual control and humiliation, his anger towards Collins also took on that same flavor.
It enraged him that Quinn seemed to have feelings for Collins and, despite the fact that Collins really wasn't his type, he found himself reveling in the thought of tainting something that Quinn desired. Of taking all that strength and goodness and safety and making Quinn watch while it was all stripped away. Piece by piece.
There was also this strange, deep intimacy he found in the thought of controlling, humiliating, fucking the man that Quinn hoped would be his salvation in more ways than one.
