7 Ways Leaving a Job is Like Breaking Up
If you’re anything like me, you’ve had moments in your life when you were spending time with your special someone and felt burdened with the knowledge that things between you needed to end. You wanted it to be as painless as possible, but knew it was going to be difficult. In the dating world, in spite of the emotions tied to ending a relationship, timing is, for the most part, entirely up to you. I myself have made some horrendous choices in timing when breaking up (sue me, Shaun, I was 13, and I hadn’t meant to do it on your birthday, it just worked out that way). But leaving a job at the wrong time has much more serious complications. For example, if you break up with someone, it’s generally felt that you can spend some amount of time afterward just being single and maybe dating around casually. But in the work world, if you leave without setting getting in somewhere else, you’ll likely end up asking your ex’s mom to help you pay for rent, or crashing on your buddies couch because hey, he owes you anyway from that one time. The point is, when it comes to work, if you want to maintain a state of stability, you can’t leave until you have somewhere else to go. But there are lots of other things about leaving a job that feel just like leaving a person, such as, 7. If you spend a lot of time doing all the work, you’re gonna end up wanting to leave for something better It’s like this, if you’re in a relationship and your partner isn’t loving and accepting of you, doing the work to make it a prosperous relationship seems like a poor investment of time and effort. You may even feel abused. On the other hand, if you can find a potential new relationship, even if the perks are about the same, it feels worth it for you to leave the first one, because you know that you deserve that respect you were missing. Reciprocity is a factor, and if you’re going to have your needs met by a new companion, it’s much more enticing to work diligently to make it work to create a lasting relationship. A below average person would have walked away as soon as things started to get complicated, refusing to be honest enough to be vulnerable to their partner, truthful about mistakes and opportunities. An average person tries to work it out, without making any serious sacrifices. But an above average person, and most of us like to think that we are, makes the sacrifices and puts the time in, but may make excuses for a neglectful relationship, only to realize (hopefully sooner, rather than later) that the effort is an exercise in futility and you really ought to just get the hell out. But work can be equally frustrating and equally thankless. Plus, at least in our culture, while your friends may become upset if you talk about how much you work on your relationship without benefiting, if you say, “I’ve been working all the time; I don’t sleep because of how much I’m working and no one seems to appreciate me at all”, it’s pretty much considered to be the norm, and no one can truly grasp the severity of the problem without actually going to work with you and experiencing it firsthand. That doesn’t happen in relationships (unless, I guess, all your friends happen to be in relationships worse than yours, in which case, find some new friends). It's much more likely for your friends to empathize with you over how poorly you’re treated in your relationship than how poorly you’re treated in your work, which means it could take much, much longer for you to decide you really do deserve better, that you’ve been the above-average person, and just have to cut your losses. And, you hope, get into something where you’ll be appreciated and valued for your commitment. 6. If you’re not challenged regularly, you’ll get bored, and you’ll sound like a douche when you try to talk about it.
This can be extremely frustrating, in both the work and relationship worlds. And while it might sound pretentious or rude to say, I think we can all agree that many, many people are boring. It's simply a fact of society, not just because some people are inherently boring, but also, mostly, because of differences in compatibility. And in a relationship, you may not even realize the person you're with bores you until you've grown apart to no longer being compatible and it dawns on you that you've been going through the motions without having seriously considered that you were unhappy. And the longer it takes, the worse it's going to sound. It might take years, by which point, when you say, "I'm sorry, honey, but I'm feeling bored in our relationship and I want out", whether you have legitimate claims to boredom or not, you're going to sound like a douche. You may even be one, but knowing that won't necessarily change the way you feel. And there are legitimate claims to boredom. Perhaps, when you were building your relationship, you went all-in because you were on the same page about where you wanted the relationship to go, and years later, despite your efforts, you're nowhere near it. And that could be your fault as much as theirs, but again, knowing that won't necessarily make you passionate about continuing to pursue those dreams with that person. In work, this generally comes up much sooner than it would in a relationship, presumably because if you take a job that's beneath you, you may not realize it until you've been hired, but it hits you right away that you won't be challenged in a way that's meaningful to you. You'll feel compelled to stay for at least as long as it takes to find something else, so that you can stop sounding like a douche when you say something like, "Everything here is so quaint, I'm used to handling a lot more. Have you been here awhile, is this what you're used to?" On the other hand, most people won't admit that the reason they want to stop seeing someone is because they find them to be...less than stimulating, and will come up with some other excuse for ending the relationship that doesn't sound horrible. You may even fool yourself into believing it's only going to be boring for a limited time, that maybe you'll grow to enjoy being under-stimulated because it's comfortable, or that that person you're seeing will become more interesting because of you, and how interesting you are, and in some cases that may be true, but again, the bottom line is that you're going to sound horrible saying any of this, and may as well start fresh somewhere more suited to your abilities, needs, and expectations.
5. You feel guilty when you start thinking about how much happier you’d be if you were somewhere else In a relationship, the guilt that comes from picturing yourself happy with someone else, or even alone is, I think, mostly caused because of the bond you share with the person you're seeing. Even if you're both unhappy, imagining yourself happier without that person feels like a betrayal of that bond and of the person as a whole. And it feels like betrayal in work, too; you've been getting to know your coworkers and superiors, even if only on a professional level, and you've been spending time with them working towards a common goal, no matter what your field is. Thinking about being happier somewhere else, whether it's the same field or not (as in working for the competition) feels like betrayal of the partnerships you've developed, and may even feel like giving up, especially if you're leaving a place that's task-oriented job and you know the tasks are going to become much more difficult for the people you're leaving behind. And you're going to feel like you're leaving them behind. From your soon-to-be-ex's perspective, this may even feel like you're saying you deserve better than they could offer and even if you truly do, it's gonna burn for awhile, and you just have to ride that guilt out, or force yourself to stop thinking that way, which I don't necessarily recommend. 4. You worry that friends you made while you were together will choose sides (theirs) This comes largely from the guilt of feeling like a betrayer. Whether you're in the wrong or not is usually irrelevant; friends that were theirs will probably choose their side, even if they don't mean to, and mutual friends might too, but even if they don't, thinking about the way it's going to play out will likely cause you anxiety. And in our work, this becomes especially clear when we're leaving under less than positive circumstances, as is often the case. You don't have to burn bridges for it to be uncomfortable to revisit a place you've worked, even if you don't plan on seeing anyone who may not care to see you. 3. You worry that the next thing you find will be worse than what you left It's next to impossible to know, with absolute certainty, that what's behind the door you're shutting and what's behind the door you're opening aren't equally shitty situations without actually crossing the threshold of the second door. Even if you know that what you'd dealt with for months or years was the worst thing you've ever had to deal with, even if it was the worst you've ever been treated, it's dangerous (sometimes literally) to assume that it "couldn't possibly be worse". You want to believe that, but in truth, you have no way of knowing. And your new situation doesn't even have to be terrible in the same way for it to make you miserable. 2. You're self-conscious that mistakes you made will become public knowledge once you’ve left It goes without saying that there’s a learning to curve to every job and every relationship. Most places have a regimented set of tools and education you have to gain before you’re allowed to perform certain tasks, and the more responsibility you're expected to have, the sharper the learning curve. Relationships work in much the same way for most people, for example, on a first date with someone you’ve only met once or twice, you’re probably not going to trust them with any valuable secrets or ask them any large favors. But as time goes on, you figure out how things are supposed to work and learn to thrive within those boundaries. When you do make mistakes, they can usually be controlled, maybe because the person you’re with cares about you and doesn’t mind, or because the people you’re working with realize there’s a chance you didn’t cover how to handle that particular situation in your training. Either way, the bottom line is this; the people around you understand that you’re human and you’re going to make mistakes from time to time. And if they don't hate you, they probably won't bring up those mistakes to anyone else if it's been resolved with you. But when someone leaves, especially if we’re bitter, we have a tendency to want to dehumanize them, forgetting any credibility they had for the sake of making ourselves look better or to put them down because, if they left, who cares? This may make you very self-conscious, especially if you know you're going to end up in a situation where you're going to have to see them again. No one wants to hear "yeah, that's the one! I heard about that!" whispered loudly from one face you don't recognize to another.The context in which mistakes are made matters, but isn't generally included in story-telling (i.e. gossiping) once someone leaves, unless the person telling the story is doing so specifically to make you sound better, which basically no one can ever reasonably expect to happen. It's a dog eat dog world in many fields, and most people won't risk being considerate of the ex if it means giving up the opportunity to be accepted as a peer, which it easily could. 1. You tell yourself you’re happy it’s over & you’ve moved on, but nostalgia makes you wonder if it could be better if you went back.
There's nothing more frustrating than the feeling that you could've done more if others hadn't messed you up or gotten in your way. Especially if you're a person who prides themselves on being considerate, it can be hard to explain that you have to leave because someone else is holding you back and there's no way around them. But you get through it and say your goodbyes (maybe quietly, maybe not so quietly) and you sit at home thinking about how much better things could have been. It's easy to let yourself slip into this, especially if, like me, you have almost a compulsive tendency to need to finish a project to perfection before walking away, but someone has repeatedly torn it out of your hands. Whether it's a lover who's given up on helping make the relationship work or a superior who doesn't see the value of your work, the feeling boils down to rejection; a rejection you can't face, because you know you weren't finished. If someone sees the finished project and laughs in your face, it doesn't feel half as infuriating as someone telling you they don't want to give you the responsibility of any work worth doing and you aren't allowed to complete something you've devoted so much of your life to. It may not be your fault that they don't value your contributions, but you're probably going to spend a lot of time thinking about how you could've proven your worthiness.
And, just like a break-up, the only thing that can make any of it feel any better is time. You have to give yourself time away from all of it. Go somewhere new, meet some interesting people, try things you wouldn't have before. Give yourself space to reflect on mistakes you made and time to develop strategies to avoid them in the future. It might sound cheesy to someone who's never had a job they wanted to go and do everyday, but waking up and realizing you can't go back feels a lot like waking up alone for the first time in years. You feel like your day is pointless. And it takes time and effort (more effort than you might realize) to truly get over it, before you can get back in there and feel fulfilled doing something else. You just have to keep telling yourself that you'll be better and smarter next time until you believe it, and then go out and do it.
Thanks for reading.
Until next time,
my name is Sally Suarez, and I have more to say.
