That pretty much explains it. But I'm trying to stay focused. Doing exercises every day and giving myself as much love as I can. Honestly meditation/prayer and weed have been the only thing helping me to forget about the god awful neuropathy. Feels like getting a tattoo over sunburned skin. I try and remember how much worse this could have been. I could have lost my leg. I could have needed a kidney transplant and dialysis. I could have just died... but I didn't. I know now that this is what I call my "season of suffering."I know it sounds weird but I believe this is one of the defining moments in life that either changes you into the best version of yourself or the worst. It's easier to take the road often traveled and sink into depression and shame myself for the mistakes I made. It's so much easier to just lay in bed all day until my eyes are swollen and I fall back asleep. So much easier to just say my leg will never be strong enough to walk, I can just give up now. I have to avoid this road at all costs. I know in my soul that if I go back down that road I'm never coming back. I'm sure this probably sounds like a stupid rant of all my problems but I just want to put it out there in case anyone is feeling the same way recovering from compartment syndrome or a major surgery. I know how hard it is to relate to the outside world after months of being in the hospital and sedentary life. You start to feel estranged from the rest of the world. It feels like time doesn't exist, instead there is just sunrise and sunset. It can be hard to tell yourself that this time is for healing and you have to be still and give it over to God/higher power. Trauma surgery is just not something most people can relate to and unfortunately if you are in recovery/post op the condition does consume your life for now. Especially acute compartment syndrome requiring multiple surgeries. I had four and I've read stories of people have upwards of 8. I cannot even imagine. The pain at first is so unbearable that you just go into shock. Pain meds are a lost cause at that point. Someday I will write the whole story of how this happened. But until then please leave your story here if you can relate. It's an uncommon surgery so it's hard to find people who have been through this too. If your out there I just want to say- I feel you and I feel your pain, but please don't give up on yourself. The blunt truth is that you would have died if you were meant to, but you didn't. That means that now you HAVE to push through, you can't go around. You have to be the be a better version of yourself everyday. This battle is a long and hard one to fight but your not alone.
