#compulsion tw

[odense]

posting to give myself credit for doing something very scary! I was walking in circles in the kitchen while I waited on hold and thisssss close to losing my bananas because I couldn't make all the cabinets and drawers close and line up properly, because that one cabinet keeps warping open. but I made the call and got good info and am much further on the project in question! and now I have eaten and tonight I will skate and get the jitters out. can do this!

[bluejaycarver]

Click.

No. That one wasn't right either. Again. Again. Again. Again.

Jason felt the rising anxiety in his chest as he turned the light switch off, and then on again. Then off. And on. Each time the switch moved too freely, too loosely, and the click was too dull. He couldn't... get it right. Couldn't make the mechanics of the action more satisfying. He could make himself step away... perhaps he'd get lucky and flip the switch and it would click just right. It had to be right. Why wasn't it right?

He'd been stuck for ten minutes earlier at another switch, doing the same thing. And later, stuck at his locker unlocking and locking his lock to seek out that satisfactory click too. The click with just the right amount of resistance, that crisp sound. The experience of it would be enough to untangle his nerves.

Giving in to his compulsions was frustrating at best. But some days, he simply did not have a choice in them. He had to do them. Had to. Or there would be lingering anxiety and he'd be thinking about going back to that spot all day, unable to focus on much else. Today, he was a moth to a light. Literally. How humiliating. His schedule was being completely thrown off, and he was feeling deeply overwhelmed and overstimulated. The seems on his shirt felt like they were digging into his skin, and earlier, the sheer volume of Eddie Munson crowing about something fantasy related had felt like an ice pick to his brain. Days like this he wondered if God really was punishing him.

[bunns-being]

it’s so frustrating for me as someone with ocd to try and talk to other people about my fears and intrusive thoughts.

i always articulate my fears as clearly as i possibly can and i rarely feel understood. people usually assume that i fully logically believe these thoughts or things to be true. i don’t. i know logically that i’m not secretly a horrible person. i know logically that i would never do anything to hurt my loved ones. i know logically that whether or not i’m wearing shoes will not effect my relationship with my partners. i know logically that drinking water with the wrong amount of ice cubes in it won’t make god kill me.

it doesn’t matter if i know they’re not true. i fully fear anything that comes up, no matter how illogical. my anxiety is at a constant 8/10 on a good day. it makes me isolate myself, it makes me fear myself, it makes me do everything i can to avoid responsibilities, it makes me relive my trauma, it makes me sob in the other room while my family or friends have fun upstairs. it makes me feel so alone.

someone told me today that they intrusive thoughts are to keep yourself and others safe. this is so incorrect, my thoughts rip my worst fears out of me and tell me that everything is going to go wrong. it is not a reasonable anxiety that must be dealt with, it is debilitating and horrifying and destructive. i was so upset when they said that to me. how does my brain convincing me i’m a monster keep others safe?

[b1oodpink]

one time at a Burn The Stage film i was pulling/tugging at my hair bc that’s a literal compulsion i can’t help and the girl next to me said “can you stop that it’s distracting” and that’s all i thought about the rest of the movie 🥴

[b1oodpink]

haha i guess my compulsions did NOT prevent the bad thing from happening 😂

[everbrightandsearing]

yeah that’s cool or maybe i could not pick at my skin until it bleeds