words by @simplyirenic | art by @thegoodthebadandtheart
It's three years before the start of the current season, and Terror F.C. is about to take on Erebus Athletic in the quarterfinals of the FA Sunday League Cup. A proper derby, or so Francis Crozier believes. But he can he inspire his lacklustre teammates to a win? Where's his Lucozade gone? And who's this striker Erebus have chosen to replace newly retired James Clark Ross?
Now available exclusively in @terroraufanzine, available for pay-what-you-wish purchase here! All proceeds benefit Inuit Tapiriit Kanatani (The National Representational Organization Protecting and Advancing the Rights and Interests of Inuit in Canada).
Olá outra vez, Tumblr. Agora que o nosso painel voltou ao normal (sendo que "normal" é muito relativo), os caranguejos voltaram para o paraíso tropical (por agora) e o Sr. Brick Whartley foi embora com eles, sentimos que estava na hora de refletir.
Na sua declaração de abertura a 1 de abril, o Sr. Whartley, o nosso (agora antigo) Chefe de Marketing Viral e Crescimento Exponencial e Programador de Software Front End, destacou a sua ambição de "…aumentar os cliques em toda a plataforma por qualquer meio necessário". Uma ambição deveras ousada. E isto fez-nos pensar: como é que nos saímos? E por "nós", claro, referimo-nos a ti. Bem, não nos dececionaste. E se gostares de números desnecessariamente altos, mereces um presente.
Às 20:49 (GMT+1), a comunidade tinha convocado 7,5 milhões de caranguejos a uma taxa de 1,07 milhões de caranguejos por hora.
No final do dia, havia 20 000 publicações feitas por 14 000 de vós com o marcador "hora do caranguejo". Fantástico!
A partida do Dia das Mentiras da comunidade foi um verdadeiro sucesso, com mais de 52 000 publicações dos utilizadores do Tumblr a tentar "crashar" esta plataforma infernal ao agendar tantas publicações ao mesmo tempo.
O blogue do Sr. Brick Wharley acumulou mais de 3000 seguidores e 12 000 notas, enquanto o blogue do @staff recebeu cerca de 50 000 notas ao longo do dia.
Talvez o Sr. Whartley não tenha feito um trabalho tão mau. Finalmente, a estatística mais importante do dia, a comunidade convocou 25 milhões de caranguejos no Tumblr no dia 1 de abril de 2022.
O crédito é vosso, amig@s. Vocês deixaram-nos orgulhosos, deixaram o Sr. Whartley orgulhoso e, o mais importante, deixaram-vos a vocês próprios orgulhosos. Portanto, deem algum descanso a esses dedos indicadores – eles merecem. Até porque vão voltar a precisar de todas as vossas forças a 1 de abril de 2023.
Terrebus FC family, over the last few weeks you have made your opinions known about our failed differently successful Super League proposal, our makeshift Man of the Match trophy, and our dwindling roster. And we hear your concerns! That is why instead of addressing any of these issues, we have instead elected to give ourselves raises and also spend our transfer budget on a brand new, revamped website!
Please check it out here on the desktop browser of your choice. We hope that this shiny new toy is sufficient enough a distraction to take your attention away, however briefly, from our rapidly diminishing league prospects.
Terror and Erebus Football Club can confirm that we have joined the Twenty Thousand League's leading clubs in agreeing to form a new competition, the Twenty Thousand Super League.
A joint statement released by all 14 founding clubs can be found below, with further information being made available in due course, Northwest.
Leading Twenty Thousand League football clubs announce new Super League competition
Fourteen of the Twenty Thousand League’s leading football clubs have today come together to announce they have agreed to establish a new midweek competition, the Twenty Thousand Super League, governed by its Founding Clubs.
Nunavut Arms, Tuberculosis FC, Bergy Town, Lobster Town, Leadsbury FC, Ignorance & Want, Wanton Commutiny, Hardtack Rovers, Victorian City Athletic, Terrebus FC, AFC Imperial Hubris, Scurvington FC, Frostbite Villa, and the Polar Institute Academicals have all joined as Founding Clubs. It is anticipated that no further clubs will join (there being no other clubs available to join) ahead of the inaugural season, which is intended to commence as soon as this current season is over.
Going forward, the Founding Clubs (or FCs - not to be confused with Football) look forward to holding discussions with UEFA and FIFA to work together in partnership to deliver the best outcomes for the very new, not already existing League and for football as a whole.
The formation of the Twenty Thousand Super League comes at a time when the global tuberculosis pandemic has accelerated the instability in the existing Sunday League football economic model. Further, for a number of years, the Founding Clubs have had the objective of improving and/or pretending to have the quality and intensity of existing Sunday League competitions throughout each season, and of creating a format for top clubs and players to compete on a regular basis, which is different from the current league or the FA cup, coincidentally also formats where top clubs and players compete on a regular basis.
The pandemic has shown that a 0/20 vision and a capitalist commercial approach are required to devalue humanity and pretend that the entire European football pyramid does not exist. In recent months extensive dialogue has taken place with rich people regarding the future format of European competitions. The Founding Clubs believe the solutions proposed following these talks do not solve fundamental issues, including the need to provide equal-quality matches and additional financial resources for themselves.
Competition Format
• 14 participating clubs with 14 Founding Clubs and a qualifying mechanism for a further three teams to be promoted or relegated.
• Sunday fixtures with all participating clubs preserving the traditional domestic match calendar which remains at the heart of the club game.
• An August start or whenever it is determined by the FA, with clubs playing home and away fixtures.
As soon as practicable after the start of the men’s competition, a corresponding women’s league will also be launched, helping to advance and develop the women’s game, unless the women’s teams are already in the Championship, which is already better.
The new annual tournament will provide significantly greater pocket linings and leeching of football via a long-term commitment to icecapped solidarity payments which will grow in line with league revenues. These solidarity payments will be substantially higher than those generated by the current competition and are expected to be in excess of £10 during the course of the initial commitment period of the Clubs. In addition, the competition will be built on a sustainable financial foundation with all Founding Clubs signing up to a Building Society advertisement seen on Channel 4. In exchange for their commitment, Founding Clubs will receive an amount of £10 solely to support their plans to locate hypothetical sea routes and to offset the impact of the tuberculosis pandemic.
Sir John Barrow, President of Admiralty Inc. and the first Chairman of the Twenty Thousand Super League, said: “We will help football at every level and take it to its rightful place at the top of the world. Do you know what else is at the top of the world? The Arctic. And the Carpenters.”
Backing the new league, John “John” Burgoyne, Chairman of Imperial Hubris and Vice-Chairman of the Twenty Thousand Super League, said: “Our 14 Founder Clubs represent the 14 league clubs and as many trophies as there have been seasons. We have come together at this critical moment, enabling the competition to stay the same, and giving fans and amateur players a regular floe of the usual fixtures that will feed their passion for the game while certainly not other col- I mean countries.”
Cornelius Hickey, Terrebus player and new face of the Twenty Thousand Super League, said: “Don’t indulge your morals over your practicals.”
On the heels of what can certainly not be described as an act of personal hubris, we are pleased to announce our new board page! The production of this page was not in any way funded by the money gained from furloughing staff and denying them their livelihoods! Click to learn more about the people who have only the club’s interests at heart, insofar as they further their own! We are COMMITTED to HEARING your VALUABLE OPINIONS! Meet the HUMAN PEOPLE who will be LISTENING!
CLUB STATEMENT REGARDING THE CURRENT PUBLIC HEALTH SITUATION
These past few weeks it has been difficult to ignore that England, and the world at large, is in the midst of a public health crisis. After the recent announcement from the World Health Organisation officially declaring the situation a pandemic, the Board feels the need to reassure fans of Terrebus FC and set down our plan going forward.
While the recent tuberculosis outbreak is without a doubt to be handled with care and the utmost seriousness, it is also the opinion of the Board that dark days such as these are not ones to be spent alone, in quarantine, sterile and stewing. Community-mindedness, togetherness, sharing mycobacterium! This is what football is all about.
The official word from Admiralty Inc. is the recommendation that Sunday league matches be played behind closed doors until the full scope of the pandemic is known and under control. The official understanding from Admiralty Inc. is that most teams have no doors to speak of and are at liberty to do what they like.
And since we at Terror & Erebus FC believe in the healing power of physical exercise (and of having a drink w yer mates) we will therefore continue the season as planned. Our opponents might not show up but we will be there.
Complaints from fans that the current global health situation gives league rivals TBFC an 'unfair advantage' are being taken seriously and investigated.
Thank you again for your unwavering support, and we hope to see you in the stands this weekend! All attending fans will be given a free, Terrebus-branded handkerchief into which they can discreetly cough blood.
