Anon Advice Asks - August 7
exhausted anon (new), ribs anon, concept anon (new), panromantic anon, new friend anon (new)
exhausted anon
Hi Cas, this is kind of stupid but something happened the other day and I want to rant a little bit. My dad is great almost all the time, he's human and irritating but he's a good father. The other day I was on the way back from a holiday with him and my mum, on the final train home it was packed and I had sat in an empty seat with another one next to it (and two opposite) and I was saving the seat next to me for my mum, but then a man sat down next to me (he was with his family which sat opposite) shoving my bag which was saving the seat, and I chose to move while he was still stood up to sit elsewhere and my mum sat next to them. I did this because I have sat on this train in the window seat before and been made by a man to CLIMB over him to get out at my stop when he refused to move. So I now have a rule that I never sit on the window seat of a man, I was talking to my mum about this as we got off the train and my dad overhead me say "I never sit on the window seat side of a man" and got offended, commenting that I sat on the window seat side of him the whole train journey to and from the holiday (because he's a man I trust to move if I ask??? not a stranger) I tried to explain this and he brushed me off as dramatic. Sometimes I really struggle with how my father will never understand how different it is to be a teenage GIRL. I have dangers he doesn't consider, and on the surface he thinks about the struggles I face, but he doesn't and never will understand the depth and thought I have to put into everything. These things happen every now and then with him, and I don't hold it against him but it really really reminds me how much women struggle in ways men never even think of every time and its exhausting.
Hi <3
It's funny because I was just having a very similar conversation about this with my therapist the other day. My stepdad is like...an angel of a human. So kind and caring and he tries so hard to understand things from a different POV. But I was venting to my therapist because sometimes my stepdad just doesn't get why my natural reaction as a person who was socialized as a girl and looks feminine is to be afraid of men. He doesn't get it fully, no matter how hard he tries. And I think the thing is, men don't get it because they don't have to.
You're right, it is exhausting. And it would be so nice if it didn't have to be this way. But you're not alone, I promise <3
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ribs anon
it's ribs anon!!
i wanna change me...bc tbh...i don't like me either? like yk sometimes you REALLY like yourself and sometimes you don't? yeah well this sounds weird because I have no clue how to explain it but when I'm SMALL TALKING with someone, i just feel cool? no idk what im saying. i just feel like I have a better control of myself when I'm not too close to someone. but it feels like the minute im close to them..im just 10x more vulnerable? idk. because I'm the type to overthink a lot and i reread into small gestures a lot and if someone even REMOTELY feels a bit different i tend to assume they're mad at me. take H for example. a few months ago, she randomly used to go offline and i just assumed she wasn't replying to me because she was mad at me and i GET that that's SUPER ANNOYING but i can't help it. i need constant reassurance. i can't deal with people being mad at me. i can't deal with people not liking me. like bro tell me what pisses you off ILL FIX IT just PLEASE DONT HATE ME OR BE MAD AT ME. i know it's impossible but I just want to be liked by everyone and i don't get why i can't be. like i KNOW it's impossible. but why. just tell me what you don't like about me. ill. change. is this people pleasing behaviour? idk.
i really envy the people who dont gaf about other people's opinions. but I could never be them.
like rn I'm being EXTREMELY vulnerable. on the INTERNET. but I don't feel that bad bc I'm anonymous. but if this ever got traced back to me id wanna crawl into a hole. i hate being vulnerable.
Hi <3
I definitely understand what you mean. It's hard to NOT default to wanting to base your POV of yourself off of what everyone else thinks. It's hard not to push for that reassurance. And sometimes, it's okay to ask for that! But also, I have to wonder...are you basing your opinion of yourself off of how other people react to you? Why do those people's opinions matter more than yours? What do they do/say/feel that makes their opinion better or more reliable that yours? ESPECIALLY since they don't know all of you?
YOU are the best person to judge you. You know you best. YOU know that you are trying, and you are a good person, and you care. You have to give yourself credit <3
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concept anon
hi cas!!
idk how to explain this to anyone irl because i don’t think they’ll get the concept. i believe that compatibility between any two people can fluctuate hugely over time. you could be best friends with someone for seven years and then grow apart because you did your individual growing apart. and you could hate someone for years and then suddenly grow together even if you haven’t grown together. and that’s honestly okay and i think people need to accept that they aren’t what their friends need anymore and let that friendship go because they’re different people than the ones that became friends. maybe that friend isn’t what they themselves need anymore. some friends become so different over the years that they hold you back and some people that you couldn’t stand at one point in time have changed enough to be your best friend even. these things are an inevitable fact of life. the person who’s your best friend today might not be someone you want to be friends with two months later. then there’s no point in holding on to that friendship. you can’t force yourself to be friends with someone and you can’t force that on another person either just because you’re not ready to move on. you can hope and say that your friends will always be in your life or that your friendship will last forever, but nothing in life is ever set in stone and if you can’t accept that, you won’t be able to move on when you’re left behind.
Hi!
I completely agree with this! But...I also think this is a very logical and confident way of looking at things. Not in a bad way AT ALL, but a lot of people look at relationships with more emotion and less confidence. They want to think they did something WRONG when they start to grow apart from someone, or they hold on because they think they can still have the bond they had years ago when it might not be possible. And those feelings and emotions are normal, because a lot of humans just can't be logical like that.
Both ways of looking at it aren't abnormal or weird. People approach relationships differently. But yeah, I agree with you...friendships fluctuate and change and it's natural for people to grow apart and I do think if people recognized that they might avoid some hurt and guilt.
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panromantic anon
Hi <3
I am so so sorry to hear about everything happening in your country. It sucks to know that both the government and so many people are so bigoted about something that doesn't affect them.
I know it's hard, but I need you to keep hoping. The only guarantee in life is that things change. It might not be soon, and it might not be in a perfect way, but things will change. You have people (like H) who are here for you and love you no matter what happens. And no matter what the laws say, your identity is valid and real.
Sending love!
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new friend anon
Hey cas! I made a new friend!
But i do need some advice. So hes trans and i dont think theyre out to their parents. But he introduced himself as his deadname and then told me his preferred name and that hed prefer that my contact for them be that. And basically what im asking is like my friend asked me his name (hes new to the school so that will happen a lot in the coming weeks) and i didnt know what to do. Hes not out to his parents (pretty sure) but he had no issue telling me his pronouns(he/they) and preferred name as soon as i asked so i dont think they mind other students knowing? But like i dont want to do the wrong thing you know? Just wondering if you might have any insight.
Hi!
First off, it's very kind and insightful for you to even think of asking this!
I think with any trans person, the best answer is usually to ask if you're unsure. The thing is, all trans people are different. Their preferences, what they're comfortable with, and what is safe for them, can vary. So, I would find a time to pull him aside and just say "Hey, if you're comfortable telling me, what name and pronouns should I use for you around your parents, teachers, other adults, students you don't know, and students you do know?" That way you're clear. Trust me, this isn't an insulting or bad thing to do at all, it shows you're a safe person to them <3
