#ribs anon

[my-castles-crumbling]

Anon Advice Asks - October 4

ribs anon, usaid anon, woes anon, rightist boyfriend anon (new), @fortyraccoonsinatrenchcoat

Ribs Anon

hii it's ribs anon

im not sure if I've mentioned it, i probably have, H moved away a few months ago right?

the thing is. P did something kind of messed up and didn't even TELL H, someone else told her and P STILL hasn't told H

im not gonna go into the details but it's sort of loosely SORT OF "spreading gossip about H even after H is gone" well technically not GOSSIP but idk what to call it

but anyway, it's INSANELY messed up and H doesn't want to speak to P anymore

which is great

tbh P probably won't even notice (whole conversation for another time)

the thing is

unfortunately P and I are still in close proximity. but i just feel like insane overwhelming guilt every time I talk to her because I feel like I'm betraying H

yk the whole "If you don't stop talking to someone who hurt me, you're a fake friend/you're subconsciously on their side"

H would never do that to anyone, she wouldn't force it on anyone but idk she might hate me for still talking to P?

I've been in a similar situation before when two of my friends were dating but ultimately one friend did something so insanely messed up that I stopped being friends with her BUT she didn't go to our school and id never see her ever again anyway

P...is different. it's complicated. no one is "enemies" with P at least not outright and if i suddenly stop speaking to her (i give people the silent treatment a lot..i know it's bad) it's just awkward. and i can't tell her why I don't wanna be friends bc H hasn't told her and isn't planning on it either

I don't know what to do I don't know who to speak to. obviously i can't tell A,K and Z because it's not their thing to know, i don't think I should talk about it with R because R and P are really close and that leaves D and H

Obviously i can't talk about it with H because it involves her. which leaves D. H told D i think but D and I have very different thought processes and she won't understand my pov so.

idk.

Hi!

I mean I think there's a middle ground between completely dumping someone as a friend and being super friendly with them, you know? Like you can still acknowledge P when around them, and be nice to them when around them, but you can also kind of have a wall up. Don't initiate anything, don't share extra info, etc. Because imo, it's not just about being loyal to H, its also about now knowing what kind of person P is. You can hold P at a distance while knowing that they're not the type of person to fully trust.

____

usaid anon

Heyyyy its usaid anon remember me? Guess who got a little too optimistic about the state of the government? Youre right IT WAS ME 😀😒

Right so you know about the government shut down im certain well guess whos also aware ME ME ITS ME OMFG WHAT THE FUCK genuinely genuinely somebody make it end GIVE ME IMPEACHMENT OR GIVE ME DEATH

Look heres the thing my moms technically ✨️essential✨️ and we love her for that but that only secures her one paycheck. ONE 😀🔫. and my dad can kiss money goodbye for the time being 😀😀. Im not stressed at all thanks. And another thing i have to say

Look my moms been doing this for years and congress never does their fucking job. Every time a new budget is due they never meet the deadline and my parents miss paychecks. If you had a work trip planned in the weeks just after congress budget is due? No you dont you might as well take it off the calender now theres no point in it being there because they WONT SUBMIT THAT GODDAMN BUDGET. so this bitching about congress isnt new.

We also had something like this in beijing. It wasnt a gov. shutdown obviously the last one was 2018. It was a china specific thing and basically the same thing but NOT bc nobody knew what the hell was happening.

But heres the thing!!! The very fun fucking thing about my mom working in government!! If this lasts long enough i could go back to the u.s. because the FUNDING THEYRE STOPPING is whats paying for my house and my water and my electricity and my school and fucking everything.

This is awful i fucking HATE this. And now theres a new wake of words of democrats being fired in state (not in the news, people that are in state department are saying this)

Im so done trump can suck a dick

But in other news i got school off today bc it was ghandis birthday. Everyone say happy birthday ghandi!

Hi hon <3

I am so sorry your family is being so affected like this. It's so frustrating that this is the reality for so many people! And like...so many people (Republicans) in congress don't even care. They're too busy playing the blame game. It's infuriating.

I really hope they're able to come to a resolution soon so your family and so many others are able to get back to work soon <3

___

woes anon

Hi! <3

Remember that you don't owe anyone a crush or an explanation of your feelings. You're allowed to have a relationship (platonic or otherwise) with this person that works for both of YOU, whether or not it meets other people's expectations. It sounds like he makes you happy- that's what's important! It's okay to just enjoy your time together and take things as they come.

Also it sounds like HE very much doesn't hate you <3

___

rightist boyfriend anon (new)

okay omg i need advice and i dont know who else to ask. so my boyfriend is kind of rightist and i think he supports trump (im not completely sure because he wont give me a clear answer) but im a leftist and pro choice and dont support trump at all. what do i do in this situation???

Hi!

Okay so tbh I think his silence is an answer. But if it was me, I would sit him down and be like, "This is important. I need to know."

If he continues to avoid the topic, then you need to evaluate and decide how important those values are to you. Are you okay dating someone who might not share those values? Who is HIDING those values from you? How could this affect a future together?

Have a serious conversation with both him, and yourself. It might be difficult to do, but it's better to think about these things now than in x year when/if you have kids and a house and find yourself a lot more committed.

___

@fortyraccoonsinatrenchcoat

hi cas!

i felt like going to you with this..?

So, i'm currently reading Loveless by Alice Oseman. it's about the aroace spectrum.

now, it got me thinking. i have identified with acesexual before, but i know i'm not ace. So that also got me thinking more and i think i might be demisexual?

but as a person in their puperty with hormones going wild and almost no sexual contact with others, i'm wondering if i'm truly demi or if it's just another phase? I just kind of need your oppinion/help with this because i don't feel like adults in my space might take me seriously since i've been through a lot of phases like this, and again, i'm young.

help, if you want to. really just need your advice on what to do..

thank you and have a nice day!!

Hi!

Okay I'm trying to figure out how to phrase this without sounding like I'm brushing you off which I am NOT.

I think...I think we use labels to quickly communicate to other people a set of expectations, right? Like every label means something, and it's a shortened way of communicating those meanings. As you get older, IF you have feelings for someone and you decide to act on them, it's okay to not have a label for that yet. Don't pressure yourself to have everything figured out, because then you're just going to freak yourself out! Plenty of people have it figured out and that's great and valid, but if you don't, that's okay, too! Instead, if you choose to date (in any capacity), the important part is just communicating your wants, needs, and expectations. So you might not know if you're aro, ace, demi, whatever, but you CAN communicate with a potential partner(s) and tell them how you feel. And once you do that, and you learn more about yourself, you'll decide what label, if any, works for you.

All this to say, focus on your feelings and what you want, not the label that goes with it <3

[my-castles-crumbling]

Anon Advice Asks - August 4

ribs anon (new), not crazy anon (new), on the inside anon (new), anthropology anon (new), maybe lesbian anon (new)

ribs anon

hey cas!!

i don't know how to start but um okay. so yk the song ribs by "lorde" right? so i associate it with this one friend and i even told her "lol you better associate this with me because "the drink you spilled all over me"" (we went out for lunch once and i accident spilled a drink on her) i generally dgaf about these kind of things but this song just felt like US and i just wanted something that was US. but here's the thing, it was another one of our friends birthdays a while ago and she posted her to ribs. which kinda sucked. and also the fact that she hasn't posted for my birthday in like, 2 years? it's really small but idk I just feel bad because she posts for everyone else's birthdays and all. and we're supposedly best friends btw. also she recently moved and we're in different timezones rn and all but she BARELY texts me first. like if i don't text, we'd probably end up texting once every two weeks or smth. but uhm anyway

im in another friendgroup. let's call the people A, K and Z. K and i have been friends for 11 years. A and Z have been friends since middle school. the friendgroup kind of formed by accident? and it was going great for the first few months but idk anymore. A and i used to call every single day during the summer (i don't live in the US, my summer is over) but now it's been like 1.5 months since school started and every time I try calling her she just. doesn't pick up. yeah she could be busy and all but I have more subjects than her and if i can still find time to call her...i don't see why she can't? anyway I've given up asking to call because honestly fuck her. i can't do this shi no more. that friendgroup is basically just A and Z and me and K are just. third wheeling them. except together. whatever.

it just feels like, i don't belong anywhere yk? next school year theres gonna be lots of new people joining our school (11th grade) and I'm HOPING that I find some good friends there. but also im really bad at judging people, i always end up seeing the good in them and ignore the red flags until they get so massively huge.

ofcourse I'm gonna technically stay friends with A and Z but not in a FRIENDGROUP type of way. K and i are interlinked for life

the first friend isn't someone i wanna lose. let's call her H.

H, D, P, R and I are another friendgroup

H and I are bsfs (P, R and I know that even tho she calls us her bsfs her TRUE bsf will always be D)

P and I are bsfs but not in the typical sense. we're each other's low maintenance friend and i love her so much (ofc i love the others too)

D and I are good friends, we did have a bit of a rough patch last year but that was entirely my fault and im really hoping to get closer to her because she's a great person

R and I..are complicated like we don't have beef or anything but if we weren't in the same friend group we wouldn't be friends. but it's okay. she's nice

i feel like I belong more in this friend group just because I've known H, D and P since like the first grade. I've known D and P since the first grade and H since the third grade. we were in the same middle school friend group and all and i feel like they understand me better because they just have more context about me. they know why i act the way i do and why I react to certain things the way i do. ofcourse in school it's only D, P and R but their classrooms are closer to eachother and mine is a bit far off. K and Z are in my class and A's class is quite near so they're always in my classroom leading D to mostly assume i wanna be with them (P is a free spirit and R just goes wherever P does) but idk

and i keep feeling like mess it up "everytime I get too close i just go mess it up". everytime I feel like I get too close to a person i feel like I just mess it up. and i really wanna change people's opinions and perspectives of me and make them like me better. and i can't just SUDDENLY do that but we have midterms coming up and exams always change people and someone everyone ends up slightly different so i can use it to my advantage maybe? idk. but idk WHAT to change abt myself

Hi <3

I'm so sorry you're struggling with this. It seems like a lot of people are struggling with like...wanting to find connection and friends and it SUCKS, because we all deserve to be seen and loved, you know?

But when you say you don't know what to change about yourself...why do YOU have to change? Why is it that you have to change yourself to get the friendships you deserve?

Sure, i think most of us can always put more effort into friendships. But when you start to consider changing yourself for people, that's not good! Then they don't love you for YOU.

It sounds like there are some people in your life that are better friends than others. Focus your efforts on them. Because the people who aren't being good friends to you...that's on THEM, not you. Don't change yourself just because they don't see that <3

__

not crazy anon

Ok so this is a big long sorry but here we are. So overall I never thought my family was ever that bad sure there was some homophobia and me and my mom fight a lot but like I'm a teen I thought that was super normal and IG ik people have it worse so I never even considered that anything could be that wrong but I told my friends about this tantrum my mom threw and they were like that's not normal so I started questioning stuff like 7 months ago and I made this list of stuff and I just kinda want reassurance I'm not crazy

-pulled me into a room at 10 at a family reunion vented to me about how awful her family is I started crying and she started talking about how she was just a terrible mother and I had to comfort her

-every time I offer any feeling or criticism she calls herself a terrible mother

-after yelling at us told me and my brother to stop saying sorry so much because we're acting like she hits us

- when I try to tell her something serious she laughs and laughs and jokes about it till I full scream at her and then she starts listing things she's done for me and how I need some perspective when I say she doesn't listen to me

- gets upset pretends it's fine brings down the mood off the whole house till one things off and she goes berserk

-acts like privacy and autonomy is a privilege ie opening my door even after I say I'm naked or touching my butt when I tell her I hate it - seems fine for weeks I feel bad for ever disliking her and then she goes off on a tirade

- basically single handle gave me and body image issues in middle school would make remarks like you sure you can eat all that and make comments about how gross foods were and would point out foods and portions till I ate what she wanted and when I would point it out she would cry and talk about how all she wanted was what's best for me

- talks about how emotionally unavailable her mom was then proceeds to make me feel like the problem Evey time I express an emotion and unhuman if I don't

- says sorry till I feel bad for ever doubting her and when I cry yells at me that not every is about me this cycle repeats

- gets mad for me not doing chores she didn't tell me to do and when I do them I always do something wrong

- my comfort is like the last thing in her priory she seems to be a better mom to my friends tbh

-also this whole thing so I was in the car omw to a work thing when we got into a small disagreement and when I said something she said hurt me she yelled at me it felt like she was a different person like a switch flipped and suddenly she wasn't my mom and told me I didn't love her and I just kept apologizing and saying I love you cuz it felt like she was so angry she was gonna crash the car and she just said no you don't no you don't and I just sobbed and all I wanted was out of the car but she pulled over called my dad told him her half of the story and I was just sobbing and feeling so utterly uncomfortable I wanted to die so hung up drove so angrily and just kept screaming picking me apart I remember getting out of that car running to the bathroom and hugging my 3 years older then me coworker so hard and acting like her child all night cuz I was so desperate for love and my mom had the audacity to tell me to stop acting like she was an abuser when I walked into the car scared

I'm 15 she's never hurt me tbh sometimes she's really nice she has loads of friends is a school counselor literally calls CPS all the time. I'm not in any like danger I just feel crazy cuz she's so respected and I'm just so conflicted and I feel crazy cuz sometimes she's a great mom

Hi <3

You're absolutely not crazy

A lot of this behavior is definitely NOT okay.

I think the thing is, parents are taught to parent by THEIR parents and it sounds like your mom might not have had the best role models. So she could be genuinely trying AND have a lot of trauma and past issues that she never worked through. So she has no clue what the fuck she's doing, and she's messing up, and she either won't admit it or she's so messed up she doesn't realize it.

I'm not making excuses for her- That doesn't make how she's acting right or okay, but it took me a LONG time and a LOT of therapy for me to realize this about my own mom: your mom can love and care about you and want to do the best for you and also have no fucking clue how to do that, and royally screw up in the process.

And...I'm an adult and I still don't know what to do with that information. Like...what do you do with a parent who is sometimes so shitty, but who also cares?

It sucks and it's so infuriating, but I promise, you're not crazy <3

___

On the inside anon

Hey cas

Im a huge fan of your writing. I love the range in your microfics (tone, setting, all of it)

But yeah this is an ask so:

I know people say (redacted)

Okay I think this is honestly a really fair ask because most people who have been through what you're going through have probably felt the same way.

So here's the thing:

There's two types of coping mechanisms, right? Healthy and unhealthy.

The types you're using right now are unhealthy coping mechanisms.

And like you said, they DO work as coping mechanisms. They can calm you down, keep you from doing dumb shit, etc. If they didn't work, people wouldn't use them! But the problem with unhealthy coping mechanisms is they have negative side-effects. The two that you talked about both have risks and negative effects on your body, some of which you can't even see until it's too late; until you end up in a hospital bed.

Both of those coping mechanisms are also proven to be addictive. Meaning, you need to do them more and more, in a more intense way, for them to have the same effects. This means every time you do them, you're risking those negative side-effects more and more.

Both of them also have negative mental side-effects. You may not be able to feel it now, but you're hurting you body, and that's affecting your brain. It fucks with the chemicals in your body that release endorphins and that's not good.

Altogether, even if you feel like what you're doing is safe, even if you're trying to be responsible while doing these things, the reality is, things can turn for the worse very quickly, in a way you can;t control.

Healthy coping mechanisms don't have those risks. They're not addictive, they're not harmful to your brain or body, and they don't have unseen negative side-effects. AND they still help you cope with everything you're dealing with.

I know it's not as simple as being like "oh, I'll switch to something healthy!" it's HARD. But please know it's also not as simple as being like "well, I'm not hurting anyone, so..."

You are. You're hurting yourself.

If you ever need to talk, I'm here!

___

anthropology anon

Hi Cas!

I'm honestly starting to panic for mostly no real reason. Im about to be a senior in a few weeks and so obviously I've been looking at colleges. Except I want to go to college outside if the US because frankly I don't want to live here and never have for as long as I can remember. The only issue is I want to major in English and maybe anthropology and there are very few careers in either field that could give me a visa. I've pretty much pinned a lot of my hopes and dreams on moving somewhere else, and while I understand this may not happen at all, im so scared it won't and that even if I go to college in another country, I won't be able to stay and get citizenship once my student visa runs out. I think most of my worry comes down to me being an overthinker but I guess getting closer to when I'll be filling out applications is really putting things into perspective and I'm not exactly enjoying it.

Hi!

College applications are terrifying, I completely agree. It's like...woah, the future is scary and dreams are hard and damn. I think my best advice here is to work backwards.

The ultimate goal is to move out of the country, right? So start by looking into a few countries you'd like to live in. Make a list of the careers they give citizenship for. Then from there, think about which of those careers are ones you'd be interested in.

THEN from there, apply to colleges that have majors for those careers.

Take it from someone who has been to college: college is an experience. Sure, you want to pick a major that interests you, but more than that you want to pick a major for the career you want, in a COLLEGE that you enjoy. so focus on those two things, not just a MAJOR that you like. I'm hoping you get the difference?

The whole thing is definitely scary and overwhelming, so please take some deep breaths and remember that it's okay. People change their minds and change them again and life goes on. This will be okay <3

Sending love, and please lmk if I can help more!

___

maybe lesbian anon

I think I’m a lesbian oh my god this is a revelation AHH I might not be though, who even knows anymore

I cant see myself dating a man, the thought of doing anything with a man makes me gag a little, but sometimes I want to have a connection with a man, but I don’t know if it’s a romantic connection I want?

With women though I do believe I want it all

Hi!

Remember that it's okay not to know for sure. It sounds like you want to date women, so date women! You don't have to have a surefire label for it, or be completely clear on how you feel for men (I have no idea how I feel about men). You don't owe anyone that information, you know?

Focus on doing what makes you happy <3

[my-castles-crumbling]

Anon Advice Asks - August 7

exhausted anon (new), ribs anon, concept anon (new), panromantic anon, new friend anon (new)

exhausted anon

Hi Cas, this is kind of stupid but something happened the other day and I want to rant a little bit. My dad is great almost all the time, he's human and irritating but he's a good father. The other day I was on the way back from a holiday with him and my mum, on the final train home it was packed and I had sat in an empty seat with another one next to it (and two opposite) and I was saving the seat next to me for my mum, but then a man sat down next to me (he was with his family which sat opposite) shoving my bag which was saving the seat, and I chose to move while he was still stood up to sit elsewhere and my mum sat next to them. I did this because I have sat on this train in the window seat before and been made by a man to CLIMB over him to get out at my stop when he refused to move. So I now have a rule that I never sit on the window seat of a man, I was talking to my mum about this as we got off the train and my dad overhead me say "I never sit on the window seat side of a man" and got offended, commenting that I sat on the window seat side of him the whole train journey to and from the holiday (because he's a man I trust to move if I ask??? not a stranger) I tried to explain this and he brushed me off as dramatic. Sometimes I really struggle with how my father will never understand how different it is to be a teenage GIRL. I have dangers he doesn't consider, and on the surface he thinks about the struggles I face, but he doesn't and never will understand the depth and thought I have to put into everything. These things happen every now and then with him, and I don't hold it against him but it really really reminds me how much women struggle in ways men never even think of every time and its exhausting.

Hi <3

It's funny because I was just having a very similar conversation about this with my therapist the other day. My stepdad is like...an angel of a human. So kind and caring and he tries so hard to understand things from a different POV. But I was venting to my therapist because sometimes my stepdad just doesn't get why my natural reaction as a person who was socialized as a girl and looks feminine is to be afraid of men. He doesn't get it fully, no matter how hard he tries. And I think the thing is, men don't get it because they don't have to.

You're right, it is exhausting. And it would be so nice if it didn't have to be this way. But you're not alone, I promise <3

___

ribs anon

it's ribs anon!!

i wanna change me...bc tbh...i don't like me either? like yk sometimes you REALLY like yourself and sometimes you don't? yeah well this sounds weird because I have no clue how to explain it but when I'm SMALL TALKING with someone, i just feel cool? no idk what im saying. i just feel like I have a better control of myself when I'm not too close to someone. but it feels like the minute im close to them..im just 10x more vulnerable? idk. because I'm the type to overthink a lot and i reread into small gestures a lot and if someone even REMOTELY feels a bit different i tend to assume they're mad at me. take H for example. a few months ago, she randomly used to go offline and i just assumed she wasn't replying to me because she was mad at me and i GET that that's SUPER ANNOYING but i can't help it. i need constant reassurance. i can't deal with people being mad at me. i can't deal with people not liking me. like bro tell me what pisses you off ILL FIX IT just PLEASE DONT HATE ME OR BE MAD AT ME. i know it's impossible but I just want to be liked by everyone and i don't get why i can't be. like i KNOW it's impossible. but why. just tell me what you don't like about me. ill. change. is this people pleasing behaviour? idk.

i really envy the people who dont gaf about other people's opinions. but I could never be them.

like rn I'm being EXTREMELY vulnerable. on the INTERNET. but I don't feel that bad bc I'm anonymous. but if this ever got traced back to me id wanna crawl into a hole. i hate being vulnerable.

Hi <3

I definitely understand what you mean. It's hard to NOT default to wanting to base your POV of yourself off of what everyone else thinks. It's hard not to push for that reassurance. And sometimes, it's okay to ask for that! But also, I have to wonder...are you basing your opinion of yourself off of how other people react to you? Why do those people's opinions matter more than yours? What do they do/say/feel that makes their opinion better or more reliable that yours? ESPECIALLY since they don't know all of you?

YOU are the best person to judge you. You know you best. YOU know that you are trying, and you are a good person, and you care. You have to give yourself credit <3

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concept anon

hi cas!!

idk how to explain this to anyone irl because i don’t think they’ll get the concept. i believe that compatibility between any two people can fluctuate hugely over time. you could be best friends with someone for seven years and then grow apart because you did your individual growing apart. and you could hate someone for years and then suddenly grow together even if you haven’t grown together. and that’s honestly okay and i think people need to accept that they aren’t what their friends need anymore and let that friendship go because they’re different people than the ones that became friends. maybe that friend isn’t what they themselves need anymore. some friends become so different over the years that they hold you back and some people that you couldn’t stand at one point in time have changed enough to be your best friend even. these things are an inevitable fact of life. the person who’s your best friend today might not be someone you want to be friends with two months later. then there’s no point in holding on to that friendship. you can’t force yourself to be friends with someone and you can’t force that on another person either just because you’re not ready to move on. you can hope and say that your friends will always be in your life or that your friendship will last forever, but nothing in life is ever set in stone and if you can’t accept that, you won’t be able to move on when you’re left behind.

Hi!

I completely agree with this! But...I also think this is a very logical and confident way of looking at things. Not in a bad way AT ALL, but a lot of people look at relationships with more emotion and less confidence. They want to think they did something WRONG when they start to grow apart from someone, or they hold on because they think they can still have the bond they had years ago when it might not be possible. And those feelings and emotions are normal, because a lot of humans just can't be logical like that.

Both ways of looking at it aren't abnormal or weird. People approach relationships differently. But yeah, I agree with you...friendships fluctuate and change and it's natural for people to grow apart and I do think if people recognized that they might avoid some hurt and guilt.

___

panromantic anon

Hi <3

I am so so sorry to hear about everything happening in your country. It sucks to know that both the government and so many people are so bigoted about something that doesn't affect them.

I know it's hard, but I need you to keep hoping. The only guarantee in life is that things change. It might not be soon, and it might not be in a perfect way, but things will change. You have people (like H) who are here for you and love you no matter what happens. And no matter what the laws say, your identity is valid and real.

Sending love!

---

new friend anon

Hey cas! I made a new friend!

But i do need some advice. So hes trans and i dont think theyre out to their parents. But he introduced himself as his deadname and then told me his preferred name and that hed prefer that my contact for them be that. And basically what im asking is like my friend asked me his name (hes new to the school so that will happen a lot in the coming weeks) and i didnt know what to do. Hes not out to his parents (pretty sure) but he had no issue telling me his pronouns(he/they) and preferred name as soon as i asked so i dont think they mind other students knowing? But like i dont want to do the wrong thing you know? Just wondering if you might have any insight.

Hi!

First off, it's very kind and insightful for you to even think of asking this!

I think with any trans person, the best answer is usually to ask if you're unsure. The thing is, all trans people are different. Their preferences, what they're comfortable with, and what is safe for them, can vary. So, I would find a time to pull him aside and just say "Hey, if you're comfortable telling me, what name and pronouns should I use for you around your parents, teachers, other adults, students you don't know, and students you do know?" That way you're clear. Trust me, this isn't an insulting or bad thing to do at all, it shows you're a safe person to them <3

[my-castles-crumbling]

Anon Advice Asks - September 16

lunch table anon, ribs anon, broken computer anon (new), vocational school anon (new), BPD anon (new)

lunch table anon

I was telling C a story that involved my birthday and she asked when it was so I told her it was this month and she said we should hangout for my birthday. And I’m pretty sure she actually wants to hangout bc she mentioned it at first during math class and then again at lunch. It turns out she’s in the same show choir group as my friend A. But I’m also kind of sad bc tomorrows my ex bsfs birthday.

-lunch table anon

Hi!

Happy birthday! I hope you were/are able to make plans with C? C sounds like a really nice person. Have you been able to find some people to sit with?

___

Ribs anon

hi cas! ribs anon here

so it's almost been a month. btw A, K, Z and I are cool again (touchwood) like it's okay we feel like a proper friendgroup again all is well

thing is, A, Z (who belong to the four people friendgroup) , P, R, D (who belong to the five people friendgroup including H) and I work for the same organisation. it's like founded by R, P and A are directors. its great and all but the thing is

REALISTICALLY, A does a lot more work than P and R

she's really stressed about it and all and I've talked to P and R

R feels as though A doesnt inform her properly of everything that's going on that's why she can't help and all that but A feels as though she's explained clearly enough and she's really tired of talking about it and you can see it on her face and it's just really scary I DONT want her to put this much stress on herself

due to circumstances I hang out with A,K, and Z more than H,D,P and R so technically rn I'm closer to A, K and Z. whenever I talk to R about this she thinks that I ONLY listen to A which isn't true, if I did then I wouldn't try to understand her perspective as well right?

i just. idk what to do. im caught in between and I CANT play both sides because I know it isn't right to, even though every time I've been caught in such a situation I HAVE played both sides but I know that's not right. but the problem is there IS no right or wrong both sides have their perspectives

and then theres H. i don't know if I've mentioned but H lives abroad like she moved. and i just wanted to share A's thoughts and ask for a solution but it kind of turned into an argument with her defending P and R which she doesn't need to because they're my friends too, I'm not mad at them. its just kind of messed up that H just immediately takes their side and doesn't even try to stay neutral just for my sake.

and also H reads your blog so H, if youre reading this, please don't start a fight with me about this, i CANNOT. i don't want this to affect OUR friendship because it's not supposed to. thank you. i love you.

cas, no need to hide because idrc if H reads this. im really forgetful so I'll forget which part you're referring to if you hide this

Hi!

Honestly, I think you need to set some boundaries with R and A. If they try to talk to you about it, I would say something like "Of, it sounds like you need to talk to (other person) about that, because I don't want to get in the middle." When you let them vent about each other to you, you ARE putting yourself in the middle and, gently, talking to H about it is just going to make it worse. The best thing you can do is push them to talk to each other. They need to work out their own problems, you're not their mom, you know?

__

broken computer anon

A random teacher i dont know just broke my computer.

Tech dept. Cant fix it

Im actually gonna cry

Wait, I feel like there has to be more to this? Like if the teacher touched your computer without permission, they should be paying for it to get fixed, you know? Or is it the school's computer? And if so, why don't they have extras?

___

vocational school anon

I feel like such a hateful person lately. Like I hate everyone and everything and I can’t help it even tho I want to stop.

Two years ago I broke up with a girl in my friend group and it was rly messy bc I was pathetic and trying to get her back and it was rly embarrassing. Anyway, all of our friends chose her over me which I get in some aspects bc I was the problem, but also our breakup shouldn’t have involved our friends. And since then every time I see my ex girlfriend and ex friends I feel so resentful and sad and I want to cry and scream. They were my bsfs since like third grade and they helped me thru my depression and anxiety and OCD and I helped them thru their things. Like I thought we were bsfs. Especially one boy in the group bc we did literally everything together. I was probably a little too dependent on him but whatever. And one of the girls was in love with him and spent years trying to get us to stop being friends, but that happened before I broke up with this girl. Actually after I broke up with the girl the other girl sent me hateful messages calling me a c*nt and saying the reason all our friends were depressed was bc of me. Anyway, I went thru that entire school year crying and eating lunch alone in the bathroom bc my only friend was my sister and I had no classes with her bc I was a freshman and she was a senior. It was awful. I was in marching band with those people and I would skip performances and football games bc I couldn’t handle seeing them. I even skipped school a lot bc they were there and I only had one class with them and that girl kept sending me messages basically telling me I was an awful person and didn’t deserve to have friends. I auditioned for the school musical bc I genuinely enjoy theater but I dropped out before practice even started bc they were there. They never even showed an interest in doing musicals (which they knew was smth I was into) until we stopped being friends. Thankfully marching band ended and I only had to see them during school and SO but in SO we were in different groups. I was also going thru the autism diagnosis process which is long and hard and I just wanted friends to talk to about it. I signed up for a second year of marching band bc I thought I could handle it after most of the summer had passed. I made it up until the last day of band camp. I hung out with two seniors most of the time but when I wasn’t with them I was miserable. I literally couldn’t handle seeing my ex friends being friends. One of them (the one that was sending me all those messages) yelled at me during a sports challenge bc I was crying. And then the boy I was closest with tried to defend me which made it worse bc it reminded me of how close we used to be. Anyway on the last day of band camp I was crying and that boy came up to me and just stared at me crying. He stared at me for like a minute and then walked away. I don’t know if he wanted to say smth but it was weird. Anyway I cried the entire bus ride home and when I got home I told my parents I wanted to switch schools. They put me in an online program and that’s how I spent the rest of sophomore year. Then this year I started a vocational school and now I want to do some extracurricular activities but my ex friends are in everything I’m interested in. I literally have nothing to do but go to school. I want to be able to handle being in the same things as them again but I feel so much hate and sadness whenever I see them (bc I see them practicing marching band when I ride the bus back to the school). It’s been two years and I’m still not over it and it makes me feel awful. Like they probably don’t even think about me but I spend a lot of time thinking about them and wondering how my life would be different if I hadn’t broken up with that girl or even dated her in the first place.

Hi!

honestly, after all the shit and changes you went though, I'm not surprised you're feelings such intense and negative feelings! I think it's only natural! This is a LOT and it sounds like you never fully processed it, which is nothing to feel embarrassed or guilty about

Does your vocational school have a counselor, or are you able to talk to a therapist? I really think the best thing to do is just TALK about all of this. These feelings- the anger and hatred and all of that- can be worked through by talking to a safe adult about this really shit time in your life.

But please don't feel awful about your feelings. All feelings are valid, I promise <3

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BPD anon (new)

Um hi Cas idk who else to ask this to. Do you know anything abt BPD or something bc I’ve always felt like something’s off and I was scrolling the blogs of ppl who have BPD and it describes me perfectly but there’s so much hate and stigma surrounding the entire community idk if it’s even safe for me to try and figure it out cuz I wanna know what this is but I don’t wanna be put on meds or be treated like an outsider for the rest of my life. So um any advice?

Hi!

I do know what BPD is, and I agree, there's a LOT of stigma around it (and other personality disorders).

I think, especially with personality disorders, getting a diagnosis and treatment can be really beneficial, as long as it's through healthy and helpful resources. If you're looking at getting a diagnosis and help, make sure to ask the places you do to the right questions: how do they ensure privacy? What approaches do they offer? what are their philosophies when it comes to treatment?

Once you hear the answers to those questions, you can decide if the place seems safe for you. Treat it like you're buying a car--YOU are the customer. Do YOU like the place you're calling? If not, don't give them your business!

But yeah I think if you feel like it resonates with you, it's at least worth some research!

[forzafinally]

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE HELP 🥺🥺 you're a very kind person, thank you again! (uh you show the ribs to an ortho right?)

Lol yeah. Or to a neurologist

[forzafinally]

okay slkssjk um last question, how common are bilateral cervical ribs?

Uh not too sure but maybe about 0.3-0.5% of the population? They're more common in females though (no one knows why lol)

[forzafinally]

If they're there in a X ray, can they cause neck pain? - Ribs anon! (also if you could elaborate on other symptoms, thank you!!!)

Cervical ribs will always show up in an x-ray. The issue with them is that they can cause something called Thoracic Outlet Syndrome.

This happens because in the neck we have the brachial plexus, subclavian artery and subclavian vein. The cervical ribs compress these structures especially when the person is raising their arms or using their shoulders. Symptoms that are commonly seen are

Pain in the shoulder and arm of the affected side due to

Weakness and altered sensation in the arm of the affected side

A feeling of heaviness in the arm

Symptoms are aggravated when the arm is raised or extended like in throwing a ball, typing or driving because that leads to compression of the structures I've mentioned

To answer your question yes, when the upper part of the brachial plexus is being compressed (C5-7) there can be pain in the neck too

Treatment includes physiotherapy and painkillers. If the symptoms are still not settling the extra rib can be removed surgically too

[raemakesthings]

I'm sorry if I sounded offensive! I just love Nalby and think they would go really good together, but I can respect that you don't. I'm really sorry!!! You're an awesome person!

YOU DIDN’T AT ALL I’M SORRY IF I SOUNDED OFFENDED. I’m actually giddy from sleep deprivation is all. XD And I ship nalby like whoa in movie verse, and broship it in pre-canon, like when you get there in Slippery As A… you’ll realize I actually love big brother protective!Alby it’s just this one time… this one time it’s gonna be abusive as fuck.

Anyway I needed someone to be abusive and I was salty about nalby at the time. And now I’m gonna do it because that’s what my outline says.