CW/TW: Typical Narcos warnings, angst, mentions of the death of a friend
"Is there anything you'd like, (Y/N)? A cup of coffee? I think we've got some tea in the cupboard-"
"No, it's fine, Connie." You lifted your head to offer the woman a smile, the sympathy in the blue of her eyes feeling like a stab in the gut. You were thankful, of course, that she'd so readily allowed you inside the home she shared with Steve but there'd never been a single time you needed help from someone else before beginning a relationship with Javier Peña. "I just.. need some time to process."
"Okay, I understand." Connie nodded, her fingers reaching out to squeeze your shoulder. "Let me know if you need anything, alright? Steve and Javier should be getting here soon."
With a small smile, you watched her step away to tend to the little girl she and Steve had adopted before you sunk deeper into the couch with a heavy exhale. Like most people who lived around where cartels operated the most, you'd always lived on the line between normalcy and almost getting in the crossfire. But when Javier Peña had slid up to your side at a bar with his smirk and voice dripping with confidence, you'd gone against your gut instinct to keep away from agents and anyone with any sort of relations to the cartels.
And now, with the image of your friend's corpse engraved in your mind, you wished for the ability to travel back in time to slap some sense into your past self. It'd been a clear threat from one of the cartels, one meant for Javier to know they watched his comings and goings more closely than expected.. and the thought of being the target of their next threat was terrifying.
The door handle jingled before the door to the apartment was shoved open, Javier stumbling in with Steve right behind him. The American immediately headed for his wife and daughter, wrapping his arms around them and quietly speaking to Connie before he glanced over his shoulder at you and grimaced. He ushered the two of them into another room and shut the door behind him, allowing for a moment of privacy.
"You promised me you'd protect me from this, Javi." You whispered, tearing your eyes away from the wooden door and rising onto unsteady feet. Javier moved quickly, the familiar smell of his cologne mixed with smoke invading your nose as he pulled you into a tight embrace.
"I know, cariño, perdóname." Javier whispered shakily, his head tilting back to peer into your eyes. His palm gently touched your cheek, thumb stroking your skin soothingly. "Perdóname, mi amor. I swear I'll find the fuckers who did this and make them regret ever doing this to you. I'm so sorry about your friend, (Y/N)."
Your eyes flooded with tears immediately, drawing a soft coo from Javier. He pressed a fleeting kiss against your forehead before cradling your head into his neck, his other hand rubbing circles around your back in an attempt to comfort you through the grief and fear but you were exhausted. The place you called home since childhood had become a war zone between cartels and the police, leaving the people in fear and paranoia.
"No puedo, Javi, no puedo vivir asi." You sniffled, hands curling around his leather jacket and pushing him back slightly. His face crumpled within seconds, panic swirling in his dark eyes. "Javi-"
"I can fix this, (Y/N). I'll make sure there's always someone guarding your-"
"No, Javi," You breathed out almost pleadingly. "This is my breaking point. I- I can't do this anymore... I can't risk my life or my family for you. I'm sorry, Javi, but... this is it for us."
Chapter warnings: mentions of physical abuse, manipulation, mental abuse, steve and connie!!, fluff but like backhanded fluff?, Javi being a dick, alcohol consumption, mild description of injury
Chapter Summary: Javi takes you out on your date and you meet some potential friends
A/N: Hey, y'all! Super excited about this one! These character introductions mean a lot to this story. Hope you like it! (also sorry about not posting last week, pls forgive me ❤)
*****
“Shit,” you mutter.
You’re staring at yourself in the mirror, fixated on the ugly welt marring your right cheekbone. Your right eye is a bit swollen as well, but not too badly. You’re mostly worried about how the hell you’re going to hide the discoloring. Even with your makeup, it’s going to be a feat.
It makes your stomach twist up to remember last night’s events. You still don’t understand why you had chosen to freak out like that. It was completely immature and irrational. He was just worried about you and you chose to berate him for it.
Thankfully, Javi seems to have completely forgiven you for your outburst. He woke up as normal this morning, planted a kiss on your forehead, and made your breakfast. You smile to think about it. Despite everything that happened yesterday, everything today is back as it should be, just how you like it.
You sigh and turn the sink on. You’ll wash your face and get dressed, then worry about this monstrosity last. You’re excited for your date. Javi told you that he’ll be taking you to a small restaurant a few blocks from the apartment. He’s out running an errand right now, or so he said. He wasn’t very specific, but he did promise to be back in time for your dinner date.
You lean down and splash your face with the cool water, suppressing a wince as it hits your bruised flesh. You really didn’t realize the hit had landed that hard. You scrub it anyway, being careful to not press too hard. You don’t think Javi got a very good look at it this morning, which is probably a good thing. He’d likely be devastated to know he caused such an injury.
You finish washing your face and reach for your dress hanging on the back of the door. It’s one of Javi’s favorites, and you’re excited to finally have an excuse to wear it again. You slip it over your head and turn around to zip the back with the help of the mirror. You pull at the edge and smooth it out so it falls effortlessly just above your knees.
It’s a beautiful color in contrast with your skintone, hell, it’s a beautiful dress in general. You smile at your appearance in the mirror. It’s not often you feel confident, but this dress never fails to bring it out of you. Maybe that’s why Javi likes it so much, too.
You hear the front door open as you fix one of the sleeves of the dress, a smile spreading across your face at the sound. Javi calls your name in greeting and your stomach flutters.
“I’m in here,” you call back. His footsteps grow closer.
“You ready, sweetheart?”
You peek your head out from the bathroom, careful to hide your right side behind the door frame. Javi’s standing in the middle of the bedroom. He looks gorgeous—as usual. He’s wearing a blue button up with his jeans and his regular boots.
“Yup, I’ll be just a second.”
“Alright, baby, take your time. There’s no rush.” He sends you a wink.
You flash him a quick smile before ducking back in and cracking the door behind you. You pick up your compact and lean in close to the mirror. The first layer doesn’t do much at all. The second makes a small difference, and by the third, all that’s left is to touch up certain spots. Even then though, you know there’s nothing you can do about the swelling of your eye and one of the deeper bruises. You take a step back. It doesn’t look so bad when you’re not too close.
You sigh and finish up the rest of it, only putting everything away once you’re satisfied that you look pretty much normal. Like it’s any other date night. You turn the light off and step out of the bathroom.
“Javi?”
“In the kitchen, sweetheart.”
You follow his voice, finding him leaning against the kitchen counter and craning his neck slightly to look out the window.
You grin as you step into view, giving him a small twirl and watching his smile widen when his gaze lands on you. You do your best to hide your right side, but try to be casual enough that he won’t think that’s what you’re trying to do.
“You look gorgeous, baby,” he says, walking toward you with open arms.
You let him embrace you in a hug, wrapping your own arms around his middle as he presses a kiss to the top of your head. “Thank you, Javi,” you mumble into his chest.
He lets you go after a moment and picks something up from the counter.
“Here, hermosa, got something for you” he offers you the bouquet of flowers. You gasp, sure that it’s the most beautiful bunch you’ve ever seen. That must have been why he went out. You’ll really never get over how thoughtful he is. It must have taken him a while to pick these out.
You beam at him as you take them in your hand. “Thank you,” you say again. He nods at you, warmth in his gaze as he watches you softly sniff the flowers. You look up when he clears his throat.
“Wanted to say I’m sorry,” he tells you, eyes flickering to and from yours. You frown a bit.
“It’s okay, Javi, I was the one acting up,” you assure him. You don’t want him to feel bad over something that wasn’t his fault. Just thinking about it puts a bad taste in your mouth. He’s much too sweet of a man to ever think that he’s done something wrong. You’re the childish one who threw a temper tantrum for no reason. It’s not fair for him to blame himself for what happened.
He nods solemnly, giving you a soft smile.
“I think we were both in the wrong there, sweetheart. I just don’t want it to happen again.”
Now it’s your turn to nod. You’re beaming inside at the fact that everything seems to be back to normal, but there’s also a sudden threat of tears pricking at your eyes and you’re not sure why. You look away, refusing to let them fall as you busy yourself putting them into a vase.
“Let me just put these in some water, and I’ll be ready,” you say as you turn on the sink.
****
You’re walking out the door minutes later, hand in hand with Javi as you try to contain the smile on your face. You’re way too excited about getting out. A part of you feels a bit guilty about getting your way after last night, but you suppose that Javi would have told you no if he thought it was really a bad idea tonight.
You stay silent and let him lead you downstairs, and you actually have to bite down on your lip to keep from full-on grinning when the evening air hits your face. It’s not too busy of a night, not many people out on the street at all. Still, Javi holds you close to his side as you make your way to the restaurant he was telling you about.
It’s not far, maybe a four or five minute walk from the complex. It’s small and cozy, exactly what you would hope for. He keeps his hand on the small of your back as you go to sit at an empty table, pulling your chair out for you and making sure you’re comfortable before sitting down in the seat across from you.
You smile at him as a waitress comes by and drops off a couple of menus. She takes your drink orders—a soda for you and a beer for Javi. You busy yourself with looking over the food options, failing to notice the way Javi’s started to stare at you.
His hand comes quickly across the table, making you flinch from surprise when he grabs your chin and tilts your head enough to see your right cheek.
“What’s this?” he demands.
You wince, really wishing you could have avoided this. You should have kept layering your makeup.
“”S from last night,” you mumble, ashamed even though you know you shouldn’t be. You just don’t want him to see what physical damage he may have done. He’ll tear himself up over it.
But he instead snaps, “And you didn’t fucking cover it?”
You’re taken aback, your head snapping away from his grasp. Shame fills you. Why can’t you just do something right for once? Tears again fill your eyes, only adding to your shame.
“I-I’m sorry, Javi,” you say quietly, staring at your hands in your lap. “I was just really excited to go out and—”
He sighs and leans back in his chair, cutting you off from your pointless excuse. “Just make sure nobody sees it,” he tells you. “Do you have any idea what that could do to me in my field of work?”
You nod, sniffing as your ears burn with embarrassment. Here he is taking you out and you ruin it by making another stupid decision. At least you’re not getting angry again. You have enough sense to keep that at bay.
You catch the waitress walking back with your drinks out of the corner of your eye and do your best to quickly collect yourself, giving her a warm, tear free smile when she sets your soda down in front of you. She smiles back and takes Javi’s order, which you order as well since you forgot to choose a dish for yourself.
You flash Javi a shy smile when she walks away, and, much to your relief, he gives you a small one in response. He’s still obviously not very thrilled with you, but at least he’s not straight mad.
“How have things been going at the house, baby?”
You know he means with renovations.
“They’re pretty good. Almost finished with all the painting and stuff. I might just need you to help me with some of the tile and cabinets.”
He nods. “Alright, I’ll see if I can get it done tomorrow.”
You nod back, trying not to be too tense. The conversation almost feels…awkward. It’s confusing. Luckily, the waitress comes quickly with your food, placing it in front of you and leaving you to it.
Conversation gets a bit better as the two of you eat. More casual and free-flowing.It’s not quite how it’s been the last few months, though. More like when the two of you had gone out together the first few times and had been a little shy. You brush it off though, sure that it won’t last too long. Even the two of you haven’t ever really been in a ‘post-fight’ situation yet, you believe that your chemistry is good enough for it to work itself out soon.
And it pretty much does by the time you’re finishing up your dinner. Javi’s smiling as you gush to him about a book you’re currently reading. It’s a very cute romance, one of the ones he’s brought you recently. He’s listening intently, happy to see your eyes light up with excitement.
The waitress comes back with the bill just as you’re telling him about the ending, and he hands his card over, along with a cash tip, as he continues to listen. It’s so nice to have someone who enjoys hearing about your interests. Before Javi, you can’t really remember having a person who would genuinely want to hear about your books.
You finish just as the waitress comes back, revealing the plot twist dramatically. His eyes widen with your reveal, both to indulge you but also probably a bit out of surprise because—in your opinion—it was a pretty insane plot twist.
But then his gaze darkens, pointed over your shoulder, and you frown.
“Javi?”
Your mouth is open to say his name, but it wasn’t you who said it. You snap your head around to see a couple walking toward you, the man smiling broadly. There’s a woman holding his hand, looking a little less enthusiastic than the man about seeing your husband.
You see Javi tense out of the corner of your eye as they reach your table. The man drops the woman's hand to round the table and clap Javi’s shoulder.
“What are you doing, you son of a bitch?” the man asks in a joking tone. “Thought you said you didn’t date.”
Javi’s jaw clenches as your brows furrow.
What?
“Uhm, yeah,” you supply, ignoring the way your stomach churns at the fact that he hadn’t mentioned you at all. “That may have something to do with the fact that he’s married.” You hold your left hand up, flashing your ring. The man’s light brows go up in surprise, a slight smirk overtaking his features. But then the smile drops and he shoots his gaze down to your husband.
“Well I’ll be damned,” he says slowly. “Didn’t think you were the type, Peña.” His tone is almost flat now. You don’t understand why it changed so quickly. Javi looks back up at him, a flicker of dark emotion that you can’t quite place showing in his eyes.
“Sweetheart,” Javi addresses you, keeping his eyes on the stranger. “This is Steve, my partner at work.”
He doesn’t talk about work much, but from what he’s told you about his partner, your understanding is that they get along pretty well. So you don’t quite understand the surge of hostility between the two of them right now.
You smile nonetheless, standing and reaching your hand out to him. You state your name. “It’s nice to meet you.”
He nods as he shakes your hand, giving you a tight smile in return. His expression is almost hard to read. He nods to the woman next to you. “That’s my wife, Connie.”
You turn to shake her hand as well, and you can tell you’ll immediately like her. She gives you a bright smile as well, telling you it’s nice to meet you. She seems very nice, but also like she wouldn’t be afraid to speak up for herself. You find yourself hoping that you’ll be able to see her again. Maybe be friends.
“We were just leaving,” Javi says from where he watches the two of you. Steve has taken a step back now, and is also watching you both with his arms crossed, though he doesn’t look mad, exactly. More like he’s contemplating something.
You frown though, having thought that you still had a little while before you had to go back.
“But—”
He flashes you a warning look, and you quiet down. Maybe you misunderstood him and he doesn’t like his partner. Either way, if he wants to go back, it’s probably for a good reason and you shouldn’t fight it. You nod at him instead, smoothing out your dress.
“Well, it was nice to meet you,” you say to Steve and Connie as Javi comes to your side and takes your arm in his.
“You, too,” Connie says, and Steve nods, another small smile offered as Javi starts to lead you out. You don’t turn to watch them as you leave, instead keeping your eyes on Javi, who has his on the exit.
“What was that about?” you ask.
He glances at you with a softer gaze than you’ve seen all night. Again, you can’t place the look.
“Don’t worry about it, sweetheart,” he assures you and kisses the side of your head. So you don’t.
When the two of you get home, Javi cracks open another beer and holds you on the couch until you both fall asleep watching TV.
Javier Peña req (and Steve as bestie). Y/n is their partner and is feeling extremely burnt out; running on empty, coffee, cigarettes and not much else. She’s barely sleeping or eating and constantly has a tight chest and racing heart. They both know something is up with her but she just shrugs it off until one day, Javi is out on a raid and she reaches her breaking point. Steve manages to get her home but can’t reach Javi until he gets back to the embassy etc. Also, please could you throw in a little Carrillo cause😍
Burned Out (Javier Peña x F!Reader)
A/N: I’ve missed Narcos and my DEA boys, so thank you for this prompt, whoever sent this in. I really appreciate it. I’ve been in a bit of a slump recently with writing for this blog, so it’s great to have something to focus on and pour myself in to - hope you enjoy it!
Warnings: Swearing, smoking, alcohol, reference to depressive / self destructive behaviour, description of a panic attack, mild smut, canon-typical violence, death, reference to drugs / overdosing.
Masterlist
You knew exactly when it started. When you began to feel yourself beginning to sink downwards into the quicksand that was your life.
It was a bad day… well, a worse day, if you were being honest, given that life in general in Bogota was hard and full of bad days that left you feeling numb inside. Whereas you were normally able to banish the darkness by spending time with the friends you had collected since your arrival to the city, not even Javi’s gentle kisses or Steve’s dirty jokes or Connie’s homemade deserts could do the trick.
The day had been bad for many reasons.
One, you’d lost a contact with direct links to Escobar, that you’d spent weeks working on.
Two, you had lost them in a drive-by shooting that had killed not only them but countless civilians too.
Three, some of your asshole colleagues decided to spill coffee all over your files meaning you were forced to work late to re-type them up for a briefing the following morning. Even though you had got it done, you knew you had likely missed some details, the ink far too smudge to even begin to try and understand what had previously been written.
However, that day had only been the start of it. The start of the downwards spiral you found yourself tumbling into.
Sure, the others had noticed there was a change about you. Yet, it wasn’t as if they knew what was causing it or how to fix it.
Javi especially knew what you were like - you were like him after all. Spilling your guts wasn’t your natural reaction to handling things. You kept your emotions bottled up inside of you, cramming more and more in, forcing that lid to remain firmly screwed in place even as the pressure began to build.
And if the lid did threaten to pop off? Well then, you lost yourself in him. In the love that existed between you, and the intimate knowledge you shared of one another. After all, Javi had said it himself, “who needed therapy when you had sex and good whiskey?”
A night of passionate fucking was all it took to take the edge off… to let a little pressure escape, delaying your inevitable eruption… But that was just it; you would erupt. It was inevitable. There was no way on earth you could sustain the relentless routine of long hours spent at work, with coffee doing its best to act as a replacement for your bed.
Hell, you could feel the toll it was taking on you both mentally and physically, from the way your hands shook slightly, to the way your chest felt too tight to breathe sometimes. Then there was the fact your clothes were starting to get baggy, whereas they’d once clung to your frame like they’d been tailored for you.
“Here,” Javi had smiled one afternoon. You could smell the sandwich in his hand before he even set it down on the desk in front of you, accompanied by a packet of chips and a can of your favourite soda. “Grabbed that for you on our way back. Figured you’d forget lunch - again.”
A weak smile tugged at the corner of your lips at the kind gesture. “Thanks, Javi.”
“Anytime, hermosa.” He said it so calmly and easily that you felt your heart skip a beat as you realised how lucky you were to have someone who cared about you so deeply. It was why you made sure to tear a corner off of the sandwich and pop it in your mouth.
The relieved nod Javi granted you told you it was the reaction he’d been waiting for, as he took a step back to let you finish eating and working in peace.
You knew he’d be back to check you’d finished it in a matter of minutes. So, you were quick to chuck the rest of his lunch in the waste paper bin behind you, burying it further under a pile of discarded documents you’d already finished looking through.
It was fine. You’d eat later. Maybe you’d even try and cook dinner for you and Javi… an apology for being so distant lately…
Somehow, despite lacking the gift of prophecy, you knew deep down that that was unlikely to happen. Just as you knew it was unlikely Javi would even make it home tonight. For the last week straight, both he and Steve had been called out on some last minute, late night errands by Carillo - not that you minded all that much.
Not having Javi’s arms to fall into meant you felt less guilty about working late yourself. About only making it back to your empty apartment long enough for a quick shower and a power nap each night.
It was ironic to think of Carillo, though, given that your brief conversations with the Colonel in question had been the closest you’d come to finally releasing some of the hurt and the pain inside of you.
You didn't know what it was about him, but somehow, the Colonel had an ability to draw you out. To make you open up and share things you would never otherwise dream of.
Maybe it was his candour? You’d noticed that about him since you'd started working together; he had a blunt demeanour, saying what he thought regardless of the affect it could have on another person.
Now, it wasn't done with malice, per say, but rather as the result of a man who had the weight of an entire army on his shoulders and an impossible task. He just didn't have the time to bullshit anyone - especially when you both lived in a city full of people all too willing to lie and cheat.
It also came from a weird sense of respect, of seeing people as equals, deserving of the truth just as he expected the same in return. No matter how painful it may be.
Needless to say, it was one of the reasons you'd grown to respect the man - and dare you even say, like.
Still, when he decided to loiter on the other side of your desk, late one night, you felt yourself stiffen, as if suddenly all too aware of every little gesture your body made and what it gave away.
The Colonel missed nothing.
“You look like shit.”
Wow. Don’t beat around the bush.
“Jeez, your wife married a charmer, Colonel,” you scoffed, dragging on your cigarette, sparing him a fleeting glance. “Speaking of, doesn’t she want you back home? Or do you prefer my company that much that you’d rather stand at my desk at 11 o’clock at night?”
“She’s out of the city, visiting her parents,” he rebuffed, clearly not taking the bait as he dropped into the empty seat opposite. In fact, he decided to reach across and steal one of the cigarettes from the packet on your desk, lighting it for himself in a gesture that made it clear he wasn’t going anywhere for now.
“Good for her.”
“Yes, it is. I think time away from this place is good for everyone.”
You could feel the accusation lacing his words, as well as the heat from his continuous stare. “Then why didn’t you go with her? Not enough vacation days?”
He scoffed, a bitter smirk twisting his lips upwards. “You’re funny; I can see why Peña likes you so much. Like calls to like, as they say, even if you try and hide it behind that smile of yours.”
You bit back a laugh. “What can I say? I lucked out in that department and got my Mom’s smile. My sister was not so fortunate. She always had my dad’s features - meaning she looked more often than not like she was sucking on a lemon.”
“This is the sister that died from an overdose, correct?”
“Yes.”
“The anniversary is this week, is it not?”
He asked it so calmly and casually that anyone would have thought he’d asked you what the weather was like outside, or what your favourite record to listen to was.
At least his concern now made sense. It was the kind of detail he would remember, and you were honestly more surprised by the fact it had taken until now for him to bring it up.
He’d probably been itching to ask you about it all day, aware of the date even if your two partners were not. Well, they might have been, but neither had said anything which was your preference if you were being honest. Hence your rapidly cooling demeanour towards your colleague.
“I’m fine, if that’s what you're trying to fish about for, Colonel,” you sighed, staring back down at your desk again in an attempt to dismiss him. “You don't have to worry about me. I’m good. Thanks. So can I get back to work in peace? Or did you have some other question for me?”
Carillo sighed, simply choosing to smoke his cigarette, letting the tension linger along with the steadily growing haze around you both.
He didn't need to say the words aloud; his actions did all the talking for him as he reached over and helped himself to a file off of you desk.
He didn't buy this ‘calm, cool, and collected’ act you were pedalling. Not for a second - something his stare alone gave away, even if he refused to say it. Instead, he chose to read, and work, and smoke along side you so that you would not be alone.
He had his eyes on you... watching and waiting for the moment that your carefully constructed walls came crashing down... the only question was would they crush you in the process?
It was about a month later that the inevitable happened; that you finally hit rock bottom.
It had just been a causal remark that did it, of all things. A casual remark that sent you tipping over the edge.
You had just returned from lunch and hadn’t even sat back down at your desk yet when you noticed that someone was missing.
“Yo, Steve?” you queried, quickly glancing up at the empty seat next to you. “Where did Javi go?”
Now, you couldn't be a hundred percent certain what Steve said next but you knew he’d said something about Carillo, a lead, and a raid ...
“What?”
“I said, Javier went with him,” Steve repeated, staring at you with growing concern. You realised he must have already repeated himself. “What? Why? What is it?”
“Javi went too? He… he’s there? On that raid?”
“Yes, y/n, that’s what I just said - hey! Where you going?”
You didn’t even realise your feet had started moving, not until you heard Steve’s confusion as he yelled after you.
But you didn't stop.
You couldn’t stop, not until you were outside - not until you were far enough from that place that you could actually stop and fucking breathe.
When did it become so hard to breathe?
When had the room become so small?
Why did your mind suddenly feel the need to go to the darkest place possible?
It was just a raid... one of hundreds Javi had gone on since arriving here in the country, just as you had also gone on your fair share. So why was your head suddenly picturing him... lying there... injured, or worse... dead.
The number of bodies you’d stared at, lying in the streets in a macabre tableau that had become all too familiar by now - all part of this fucking job. A job you signed up for, hoping to vanquish the bastards who had taken so much from you and those you loved… yet, every day, it seemed you had failed as more and more innocent people suffered… and to think, that Javi - the man you loved more than anything - who you had neglected terribly to the point you couldn't actually remember the last time you’d woken up next to each other - could be amongst them…
It brought you to your knees.
“Whoah, y/n. Easy. What’s wrong?”
Steve’s voice sounded distant, as if you have been submerged beneath water. Yet, you could tell he was beside you, dropping down onto the kerb before hauling you close. The warmth of his touch was enough to tether you to him, to reality, as everything around you seemed to spin in dizzying circles.
You could feel it as his hands rose, cupping your cheeks, turning your head and trying to get you to look at him.
When you finally did, he could see immediately that your eyes were glassy, like you weren’t really seeing or hearing him.
He knew that look.
“Y/N,” Steve murmured in a soothing voice. “Y/N, look at me. Look at me.”
He paused, waiting until your eyes trained themselves on his face, some of the cloudiness starting to dissipate.
“Good, that’s good. Now breathe. Just breathe,” he instructed, taking a few deep breaths himself to show you how.
It took you a moment or two, but you eventually became fully aware of your surroundings and what your friend was telling you to do.
Following his lead, you took a few shuddering breaths, then a few more. You kept breathing until you could feel the racing of your heart slow and the fear that had felt crippling just moments before begin to ease.
You were exhausted.
Wiping at your face, you tried to banish the tears that had left a salty trail burning down your cheek.
Steve doesn't say anything for a long minute, instead choosing to pull you into his side and light up a cigarette, which he was quick to offer you.
“T... thank you.”
You sat like that for a while... just watching people and cars passing by, smoking like two people on a perfectly ordinary break.
No one bothered to stop and ask you two questions. Hell, no one even shot a glance in your direction, everyone too busy with their own business to stop and give a shit about yours.
So you sat.
And smoked.
And said nothing... not until the cigarette was nothing more than a stub.
Steve was quick to take it from you, before it could burn your fingers. Tossing it aside, it had clearly served its purpose.
He stood and offered you a hand.
His face left no room for debate as he stated calmly, “Come on, I’m taking you home. Now.”
“Come on. A couple more steps, Y/N,” Steve urged, guiding you up the stairs to your apartment.
His hand was warm, firm even, as it pressed against your lower back.
He’d been like this since the moment you’d left the embassy, steering you and hovering over you like he expected you to simply topple over at the slightest breeze.
It was touching, yet irritating all at once - a sentiment you were too busy trying to put one foot in front of the other to even attempt to unpack. You were also just too goddamn tired.
“Here we are.” Steve’s words startled you. “Home sweet home.”
You didn’t remember giving him the keys, but you must have as he opened the door a second later and herded you inside.
There was emotion in your throat - threatening to spill from you. You were holding on by a thread and he knew it. Just as Carillo knew it, and possibly Connie too -
Wait, Connie?
You blinked as you realised that at some point the woman had also entered your home, most likely having been summoned by Steve on the drive home.
You wanted to feel guilty at the thought of her being dragged into your mess, but you were honestly too tired to feel anything other than grateful as she hurried over to you, offering you a cup of what you assumed was tea, as well as two pills.
To help take the edge off, she explained, urging you to take them. Doctor’s orders.
It was impossible to miss the way that they were both staring at each other - sharing anxious glances as you swallowed the tablets and dutifully sipped the tea.
They were worried about you. Hell, you were worried about you, and Javi, and Steve, and everyone else you loved and cared about - that was what had got you in this mess in the first place.
Damn it.
You heard them say as much as you marched yourself to your bedroom, claiming you were going to try and get some rest whilst you waited for news.
If they bought it, you couldn’t tell, but neither protested as you left them.
They simply let you go, allowing you the space and privacy to crawl into your bedroom, bury yourself in the unmade sheets, and lie down for a while. The medication had clearly started to work as you felt heavy... tired...
Lying there, you could hear their voices... faint murmurs drifting down the hall.
You caught only snippets as they tried and failed to keep their voices down, just as your parents had once done when you were just a kid. Still, despite their efforts, you caught enough to know that there was still no word from Javi, or about the raid he went on.
“-called Javi- no reply.”
“Carillo - try again -”
“-worried about her - stressed.”
Eventually, the words began to fade away, replaced instead by your body's sudden need to sleep. It was pointless to fight the drugs now in your system, or the comfort of being wrapped in the bed sheets that still smelled of Javi... not even you were strong enough to fight it as you felt yourself drifting off into sweet oblivion.
"Sweetheart?"
You must have still been dreaming - that was the thought that crossed your mind as you swore you heard Javi's voice.
"Javi?" you moaned, fighting against the grogginess that greeted you as you tried to open your eyes.
Despite the fact it was clearly now dark out, you could easily make out the face in front of you, illuminated from behind by the bedside lamp. The sight was almost angelic - as if some divine being had deigned to answer your prayers and return the love of your life back in to your arms.
“It's ok, I'm here, sweetheart,” Javi purred again, brushing your hair back behind your ear and pulling you close. “I’m right here, ok? In one piece - promise. The raid went off without a hitch. Even snagged ourselves a new asset for you to take a crack at.”
Your eyes shimmered with tears as you quickly burrowed into his chest. You didn't really hear what he was saying, too busy focusing on the fact that he was here to say it at all - here - alive - in your arms.
The reality hit you as you began to let it pour out of you: how relieved you were, how much you loved him. You also grumbled something about fucking telling you when he next decided to run off on a raid without so much as 'goodbye' - else you’d shoot him yourself.
“I’m sorry, carino. I am.”
And you believed him.
"I love you, Javi. So much."
"I love you too," he purred, "and I'm so sorry, I knew you were struggling, but when Steve told me-"
He didn't get to finish whatever the hell he'd been about to say. You didn't let him.
Instead, your lips surged hungrily towards his and as only Javi could, he kissed you back, soft and slow... as if desperate to reassure you through actions alone.
You felt him chuckle into your mouth as you grew impatient, grinding your hips against him in a silent plea for him to fill you. To join you. To bury himself, and the day you'd both had, in a moment of bliss.
It was a special kind of neediness, reserved for just him, and one that was only sated once he had fully joined with you, as one being. Safe. Whole.
Yes, in an ideal world he would have waited until after talking to you to lose himself in such a way. After all, Steve and Connie had filled him in on the troubling turn of events that his absence today had triggered - and he'd be lying if he said the idea didn't scare him shitless, that you had broken down so completely...
He could only thank God that Steve had been there for you - especially when he couldn't be himself.
But he was here now... and you had time to start trying to make sense of this mess. Together. Carillo had assured him of that, informing him in no uncertain terms that you both had the next few days off from work. He didn't want to see either one of you back in the office until you'd begun to sort through the mountain of shit you were buried under.
So, yes. If you wanted to lose yourself for tonight, to use him to forget the world outside for a perfect moment, then he was only too happy to oblige.
He’d wait until the morning to have a proper conversation.
He’d go down and whip you up some breakfast before trying to get you to open up to him about everything that had happened today… about the worries and concerns you’d been keeping locked away inside of you.
Then, after you’d fallen in to pieces in his arms, he could try and start to put you back together again. As a team.
