not my usual post but your girl is having a HARD time.
i’m gonna tag this accordingly so it reaches an audience in the mind frame i’m targeting.
at the beginning of 2025, and for majority of 2024 i was way different than i am now. i meditated everyday for extensive periods of time, i would eat fruit and fast, i loved reading about manifestation and occult knowledge and holistic health, i loved stretching and exercising, and i LOVED not being on my phone.
i felt a big shift mentally and emotionally when i graduated high school, and it put me in a way different place. complete 180 from where i was in the paragraph above. this mental shift messed a lot with my healthy habits, but more than that it completely shifted my thought process. i don’t like meditating anymore, and it’s partially because i get really uncomfortable at the fact of sitting in silence but it’s not JUST that. i’ve become really reliant on social media and tv in the background to distract me from having thoughts. the thoughts are my real issue here. here’s where my mind continues to go as of right now
if we are higher beings, why did we come down here? and i don’t understand the whole “to experience life as a human thing” as humans, the people doing the practices that i was doing prior to my mental shift do those practices to connect with their higher self, and to elevate themselves. but if that’s what we return to when we die, why do we spend the entirety of our human lives trying to reach that. like everything feels useless to me right now. like why give me the ability to manifest anything, why meditate, if the whole point of a human experience not to experience humanity, why should i try to elevate to become “premium human” like UGH, and mad and sad and i feel like this all the time and the only thing that quiets it is my phone and tv.
and i understand that what i resist persists, and i know its okay to not want to feel it, but when i try to sit with it and understand it, it feels like its consuming me and it makes it worse
anyway, suggestions or insight would be greatly appreciated