I’m still really drained, but I thought everyone should know:
My friends and I talked, did a lot of crying, a lot of explaining and I think that we actually came to a good understanding and the 4 of us have laid the foundation for a healthier relationship to come.
Was it a bit of a gang up on me? yes
But once I expressed that I think they started to see that I was not the only one responsible for our problems.
Am I 100% okay and forgiving? no, but I think I will be with some more time, which I told them
I did have a severe anxiety attack, triggered by some dad related stuff. Almost passed out from hyperventilating, but thankfully my best friend knew what to do and the other two seemed to follow along and it was okay. If anything how they handled it made me feel better because it’s not how my dad handle(s/d) it.
So yeah.
Sometimes you have good friends who actually try to change.
I’m having a conversation with my friends tomorrow, well, today, because one of them completely blew up at me last week out of nowhere.
I’ve been anxious since then and I’m doing everything I can not to think about it because I don’t want to eat or sleep because I’m so nervous.
I know my friend is going through a lot and she lashed out, but that does not dismiss the fact that what she said and how she said it was the meanest thing that anyone has ever done to me; mainly because of how close we supposedly are/were.
And I’m anxious that this is going to turn into a gang-up-on-Lara discussion with the other 2 friends who are “involved.”
I wasn’t going to post this, but now I feel like I have to b/c it will make me feel less anxious somehow telling people (more below cut)
... edit: so this kind of turned into a rant/bitchout b/c that is what I needed it to be.
So this response came back to me after I told my group of 4 friends - people who I consider to be my closest friends - that my feelings were hurt when my relationship with a woman (mutual friend of the person who blew up at me) was called a “fuck buddy” relationship. I expressed, very diplomatically, that I really didn’t like that term and after some discussion that using girlfriend or just friend would be much preferred. That’s it. I even made a joke in what I said.
Anyway, this is the response I got:
If you so much as even attempt to fuck up my friendship with [C] with your "I feel hurt" bullshit I promise I will never talk to you again. I respect your relationship with her don't think that I don't. I know you make each other extremely happy and I love that. But I want to distance myself from it because I want to keep [C] as a friend. And I'll be honest with you. She has been a better friend to me in the short amount of time I have known her than you have in the last few years. She is a friend I intend to keep for a long time. So I find it very insulting of you to come in with another pity me story about how we aren't saying the right things or using the right labels. Who gives a fuck. If you are happy with the relationship you have it shouldn't matter how other people explain it I am sick and tired of sitting quietly while you whine about every little thing in your life. There are people out there dealing with real problems and difficulties who don't constantly throw it in other peoples faces. In the last year you have never once asked any of us how we are doing. It's constantly been about you and your issues and your life. And you know what I don't care if this "hurts your feelings" because it's something you need to hear! You have not been a good friend recently and I'm tired of sitting by an saying nothing. So congratulations you have found my breaking point. Next time think about what your saying to us in this conversation before you send it.
Out. of. fucking. no. where. Seriously.
(BTW the first bit about the feeling hurt refers to part of what I said, which was that the relationship I have with C is open and communicative. If we had a problem or if I felt hurt I’d tell her. The tl;dr there is that she’s in a stable, long-term, open relationship with a man (they live together, too). She’s polyamarous, the three of us have talked, the three of us are all cool and fine so yeah).
But like. What the actual fuck.
I had a major anxiety attack, but managed to compose myself and a very carefully written response doing my best to be both understanding and not make her go on the defensive. My reply was rather long. Her response to that was:
I'm done Lara. I said what I needed to. Take it how you want. I don't give a shit.
After that I had basically typed up a friend break up reply but she texted me and said she was out of line and that I deserved an explanation - BUT - that she did have some things bothering her that she had been advised not to bring up because I could not handle them.
Yeah.
Just.
ARGH. She’s polar opposite to me when it comes to a lot of things. In our group of 4 there are 2 of us that are INFP/J, the other two are ESTJ/P. She’s one of the ESTJs. Usually we all balance each other out so it works. But sometimes it just doesn’t.
None of them have the kind of problems that I have to deal with on a daily basis. Not just in terms of pain but just life, too. I’m the only one with divorced parents, I’m the only one with a LARGE family, I’m the only one stuck living at home. Oh, you think I can’t hang out because I totally WANT to go see another new specialist. Yeah, I totally don’t want to go out dancing with you because I’d much rather be curled in a ball in pain because my legs feel like they are on fire from the inside. What, I don’t want to drink with you guys, especially not at one of our groups’ bachelorette party, no way! I think feeling like a train just hit me from the 8 medications I take on a daily basis is just awesome.
FUCK YOU. Fuck you so much right now because I’m not going to say it tomorrow. I’m going to be open and honest and I’m going to do my best to listen and be willing to forgive and hear your explanation. But right now because it’s 12:30AM and I got 3 hours of sleep last night and I can’t sleep now because I’m so fucking anxious about whatever the fuck you’re going to tell me that has been bothering you for YEARS that you didn’t think to bring up to me before you decided to butt in the moment I’m FINALLY feeling HAPPY and idk, generally good about myself SO FUCK YOU.
You sit there and tell me that you do not respect my feelings or anything that I find important. You fire back to my well thought out response to your childish explosion that you don’t give a shit, meaning you really don’t want to to hear or listen to anything I have to say. You don’t care that my feelings are hurt. You think I’ve been a bad friend. You think that my problems are not valid and say that I whine and throw them in your face?! I HAVE A BLOG I SET ASIDE SPECIFICALLY FOR COMPLAINING SO THAT I DON’T COMPLAIN TO GUYS TOO MUCH.
It astounds me how rude, immature, and mean she was. You would never know that we’ve been in a “best friends” group for almost a decade. Never.
I feel slightly better now that I’ve ranted and let all that just go. I’m resisting posting my messages because I know this seems very incomplete without my words but this is for me so yeah. okay. if you actually read all of this cheers to you because this is stream of consciousness and I’m tired and sad and angry and you’re nice for reading this. hugs.
