My girlfriend suffers from chronic mental illness, chronic knee pains, and chronic migraines. Because of this, she is unable to work or do a lot of around the house tasks. But, she's always beating herself up about it, and doesn't give herself credit for what she has to struggle with. How can I help explain this to her?
I’m sorry to hear that your girlfriend is having such difficulty. I’m glad that you asked for advice and it shows that you really have great care and concern for her.
Keep in mind that she’s going to have to make this change for herself, but you can help just by being supportive and keep her spirits up when they are down.
I first suggest that you both give the “Spoon Theory” a read if you haven’t: http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/
I think a good start of a conversation is to acknowledge how she is feeling. “I know that when chores/work are difficult that it is hard for you.” And then explain/show her that her experience is a shared experience. I’d say most of us in this community (although I can only speak for myself) have at some point felt useless and have blamed ourselves. Remind her of this fact; She has a larger support system than she can even imagine.
A lot of people say that you have to love yourself before you can love someone else, but it can be really hard to love yourself when you suffer from chronic problems. Let her know that you know how hard it is for her, and that that’s okay.
She may say that she feels guilty or ashamed, but both emotional responses are a result from having done something wrong. She has not done anything wrong.
People have limits and everyone has a different limit. People who do not struggle with chronic illnesses have higher limits in some aspects. But we have something many of those people do not. We have a very intimate connection with pain/suffering. This connection typically makes us more sympathetic and empathetic.I have without a doubt that there are things that your girlfriend can deal with that her coworkers, friends, and family could not. This is where she needs to give herself credit. Yes, she struggles and can’t always do what she wants to do, but look what she can do!
When you have this conversation with her begin along the lines of “I (love)* you and am concerned for you. I was hoping we could talk about ways I can support you so that when something is hard for you to do I can help.” Like I said, only she can make lasting changes in herself, so focus on making your statements about what you can do and then give some advice. “I wanted to get some advice and I learned something call the Spoon Theory..” (if you don’t know it) and explain that some people have more spoons and that that’s okay.
Our society is built on a lot of constructed shaming. People with mental health, chronic health, and invisible illnesses/ hard to diagnose illnesses are taught that they are different and need to be fixed. That shame has been internalized and it can be very hard to break free from it. It’s not her fault that she’s beating herself up; she learned that that’s what she should do.
For me, when I begin to shame myself I try to say a few things to myself depending on the situation:
Okay, I’m feeling like crap because all I want to do is this task and I can’t.
You are in pain. It’s okay. You’re always in pain, and that sucks, but it’s okay. My pain is valid and I am valid.
Is there another way I can do this task that will be easier for me to manage? Can I break it down and just do a little bit and walk away? Does it all need to be done right now?
I can ask for help. Whether or not people understand me, I can ask for help. The worst they will say is no and I will find another way.
I can’t get out of bed. I hate it, but I need it. If I get up and try to function in my current state I will be worse off later than if I just rest some more.
I really hate how I’m feeling. But that doesn’t mean I hate myself.
Again, these are for me. I find it best to just stop, remind myself that my situation is not pleasant, and move right past it. She’s getting tripped up on the middle part.
There is no way to really explain to her that she’s worth more than she believes. She has to come to that conclusion on her own. However, you can make some suggestions: If she is not currently seeking a therapist and you have the means to do so, I highly suggest that. Having something to vent to who can also give you feedback and tools to move forward is amazing. You can also suggest that she does something like what I’ve done. This side-blog is specifically for complaining/venting about feeling like crap. I don’t do it for attention or to get popular, I do so I can let it out, possibly get some advice or support, and try to leave it here when I walk away from the computer. We all need an outlet for what we have to deal with.
Avoid saying things like “it could be worse.” While it seems like a helpful statement, it can actually be more harmful than helpful. It can perpetuate the idea that our pain / experience is invalid. If someone else has so much more to deal with and I can’t even deal with my problems, there is something wrong with me. Chronic conditions force us to not compare ourselves with others. We are our own persons.
I hope this helps at least somewhat. I may have rambled a bit. If others have more to add, please reblog or send a submission to me.
