So, we’re heading off, finally. I’m glad that Essek shot that idea down - and I can’t believe that they made Caleb be the one to try to convince him of the idea to work with Trent. Thank FUCK that dumbass idea failed before it took off. I feel like they’re taking this ‘we need allies’ thing too far. On what bloody level was Trent ever ally material!? He will push you off a cliff the first chance he gets and go onward to join Lucien willingly.
(Apparently many people were pissed with the M9 for entertaining this thought, rightfully so, but I also understand the idea being tossed around, and the inherent draw of the drama it would create. Realistically, this is terrible. In a narrative format, I can see how they might consider it for the ‘let’s get someone with some pull in order to save the world, and then kill him when we have the chance’. It makes sense. I still don’t like it, and am glad it did not happen.)
Anyway, also glad to have Essek back. I enjoy his character, because even as dry as he is outwardly, he’s also hilariously funny, and I get the feeling that Matt is really pushing for them all to trust him again. Which reads almost like a trap but also..... fuck it? Gotta trust someone.
Aw. That was worth it. They TRUST him, and he has earned that trust. AWE my fucking heart. It's melting. Honestly, the fact they even suggested trusting Trent Ikython over him was an insult they should apologize for.
So right guys, I used to be mad....Like I honestly spent a good portion of the night after Critical Role ended fuming at the Mighty Nein (and even Caleb) for even considering to pick Ickythong over Essek and his freindship
A) I absolutely understand Caleb trying to flip the tables. He knows Ickydootoothong is coming for him. He wants to feel some autonomy, like he has grown and common wisdom says that is exactly when you confront your abuser and declare your freedom. Caleb was trying to assert his freedom. That Trent no longer had power over him but that is exactly what abusers love to do. They love to fright and bait you because they know that they have the upper hand and the best you can be is on defense.
With this in mind suddenly it made sense why he was suddenly in support of working with them. Caleb could prove he was better than Trent. The rest of the Mighty Nein wouldn't understand. They weren't hurt like Caleb was. They weren't molded, destroyed, broken and remade by cruelty.
Last nights episode was incredibly triggering on a deeply personal level for me. It confronted that fear, that without my abusers I was useless. It reminded me that my personal abusers' were imprinted in my DNA. I saw Caleb accepting Ickython's help as basically accepting the role that Trent believes he has played in making him who he is now. And honestly, if he had chosen to work with him, Caleb may have overcome him, but the scars would still hurt.
Essek is not a coward for fleeing from people who have hurt him. He is surviving. Essek is not so unlike Caleb. He placed himself in a vulnerable position and he knew that he would not survive Ikython's presence, but I think moreover he worried for Caleb as well. He needed to be convinced Caleb was confident in his plan, and I think he saw through his confidence. He saw the scared child clutching his dead family.
In summation, I am relieved that they are working with Essek and at least owe him a slight apology.
Below the Cut for something more personal:
B) As the victim of several abusers. A mentor who abused me, abusive parents who shouted at me and have constantly belittled me, and an Ex who believed it was his job to fix all my childhood mistakes and become my God like his name was Light Yagami, you falsely assume that you get over it at first. But the abuse you feel is literally imprinted in your DNA.
The people that have hurt me exist as people, frozen in time. Like Caleb's rooms in the tower. I hold on to them unintentionally because my body will not let me forget them. They will always exist because my body and mind have learned to fear them.
They live on in the crippling rejection Dysphoria that has impacted every job I have ever held. They are the fear that sees every well-intentioned man trying to change me for the better, and the sometimes angry resistance to my loved ones honest assistance. My husband still really cant teach me video games, because I become defensive without realizing it and it will take me years to overcome that. I may never do it.
I became a teaching assistant to try to be better, and be a warm presence to kids like me. Who the world doesn't understand because they are nuero-divergent ADHD monsters who have already developed coping mechanisms that will haunt them their entire life. I have to make it better.
It is a foul disease that has you believe you confront people who hurt you. All it does it expose you to them, and they know your weaknesses better than anyone because they made those scars.
I can't say this isn't more than rambling, but it's basically kept me awake most of the night.
