#crackfick

[sunandsstars]

SPIDER THE MATCHMAKER

Recom!Miles x Na’vi!Reader x Spider (Platonic)

Summary: Spider finally had enough of Quaritch’s oggling and decided to help encourage his advances towards the reader, he has a ship, and he’s determined to let it sail. Warnings: Brief mentions of abandonment/murder/existential crisis, Swearing Word count: 1.8k

It was different, being accepted into Na’vi society. He was so used to being the bad buy, the killer among men, yet now he’s just..him. After becoming a recom he felt as if he did not belong, a human mind in an aliens body is something he had to get used to. He definitely had a lot of existential crisis up until now.

The last fight he had with Jake Sully in the reefs left him severely wounded and he had to retreat back to base to seek help, his men where gone and his morale was becoming low. Luckily his son, Spider, decided to join him. His reasoning was that while the Sully’s where kind to him growing up (especially kiri who he will miss dearly) he cant ignore the fact they never went after him when he got kidnapped by the RDA, he cant ignore how Neytiri was so willing to kill him after he showed the family nothing but loyalty and he cant ignore how he felt as if he never belonged with them as human. 

So there they are, holed up in the Tawkami Clan, learning their way of life and becoming part of the people.

Surprisingly they where quick to welcome them in despite them not having a good history with men kind, Spider said they where a peaceful clan with a persistent quest for knowledge and lore keeping, they were studious and make it their mission to preserve Eywa’s ecosystem. ‘So they wanted to study me, the human turned Na’vi, how could I say no to being the centre of their learning’

Quaritch was certainly liking the attention from the people, back at base he was oggled at yes, but for different reasons. Usually the looks he received where ones of admiration for his effort in the war all those years ago, or was disgust for his newly blue tinted skin. In Greenhome it was of great wonder, oh how her yellow eyes looked into his in fascination while talking about his past planet Earth, how she spoke about the plants and the forests of Pandora with great love, how-

‘’Hey man, you good?’’

Spider waved a hand in front of his face and looked around to see what could be stealing the man’s attention, once his sights fell on the beautifal Na’vi woman picking some fruit not that far away he smirked cheekily. ‘’You know you could always go and talk to her right? She wont bite’’. Quaritch blinked and scowled, grabbing his son into a headlock and rubbing his knuckles along his head at lightning speed. Spider laughed loudly and struggled in his fathers hold, wriggling and shouting for help, and when help did come the blue mans grip became limp embarrassingly fast.

‘’And just what do you think you’re doing to him hm?’’ ___ pried the boy gently from Quaritch’s arms and placed him on the floor to run around ‘’hurting children is not something we take lightly you know’’

Well shit.

The recom felt his face flush a cute lilac shade, it spread from his nose and across his cheeks, even going to the tip of his pointed ears. How did he become so weak in the presence of a lady? The old Quaritch would have never blushed at the sight of one. But then again he isn’t the man he once was. If ___ noticed the fluster of his face she didn’t mention it, instead she grabbed the hand that was rested on his lap, intertwined their fingers and pulled him towards the fruit she was picking. 

‘’Come, I will show you how to pick yovo fruit’’ she spoke in English. Spider has been a fantastic teacher.

If the purple on his face could become any darker, it certainly has. Her hand was so warm and small…

Spider could only follow and wiggle his brows to the man discreetly. He is determined to get this ship going.

Standing at the base of the large bush ___ started to show him how to pick the berry’s, ‘’they are delicate and must be handled with care, you must not squeeze them too hard when picking’’ she picked a couple of them into her hand, threw some into the basket with the rest and gave some to both boys. Spider lifted his exopack and quickly devoured them, sliding the mask back on and chewing loudly ‘’these are good’’ he stated matter of factly with a mouthful. The outside of his lips turning purple from the pigment.

___ giggled at his antics and looked to see Quaritch’s reaction, he rolled his eyes at the boy and slowly munched on a berry. Once deemed not poisonous (he has trust issues ok) he threw the rest into his mouth. ‘’Yea, these are fucking fantastic’’ the woman could only smile in glee, happy to share more of her planet with him.

That smile..it sent his heart beating incredibly fast. He was falling in love and he knew it. How couldn’t he? When she was just so gentle and sweet with his son, when she was one of the first to help them get comfortable within the clan. He needed to invite her out, fast. He wasn’t the only one with eyes on her. He mused, eyes glancing at a small group of hunters around a fire, some of which turned their heads away quickly as they got caught.

‘’I was uh wondering’’ he coughed. This is gonna be a pain in the ass.

‘’would you like to come out with me tonight?’’ Spider swallowed the last of the fruit and blinked up at his father, smiling wide. Finally. It’s not like he’s been waiting for months.

___ blinked in surprise, not expecting this sudden offer. She wondered if he was finally asking her to be mates. Could you blame her?  A 9 ft 5’’ Na’vi warrior, recently accepted as part of the clan and was a fantastic hunter. And those muscles…

Eywa give her strength.

Her tail swished in gradual hope ‘’yes. Of course I would Miles’’ she grinned, bringing a hand up to cover her mouth in sweet shyness, the same purplish hue coating the recoms cheeks starting to spread across hers. 

Quaritch let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. Fuck, why was it so hard to ask for one simple thing. Never in his life has he felt like this, not with previous hookups, not with past girlfriends and certainly not with Paz – the deceased mother of his son.

‘’alright sweetness, meet me here tonight, after eclipse’’ ___ could only swish her tail at the nickname and nodded oh so cutely. Picking up her basket she patted Spider on the head and bid them a good rest of the evening, needing to go back to her chores. 

Miles Quaritch, former human, now Na’vi, was the ultimate womaniser. He puffed his chest out and smirked to himself. He deserved a pat on the back.

Like two peas in a pod, Miles Socorro read his mind and pat his lower back (the only part the poor kid could reach)

‘’well done dad, well done’’

The sun hid behind the planet known as Polyphemus and casted darkness, but Pandora never truly sleeps.

Two blue figures where seen jumping across branches and leaping from root to root, the bioluminescent glow of the moon never ceased to fascinate the man who has never known fresh air and real plants. He looked around in awe at his surroundings and himself, lifting his hands in front of his face and taking note of all the little white dots speckled across his skin. 

___laughed joyfully and turned around ‘’Miles come’’ she beckoned him to carry on, wanting them to get to their destination as soon as possible. The recom dropped his hands and sprinted to catch up with the female, her being much more experienced with the terrain and therefore had the upper hand in their little race. 

On the way they both came across fan lizards and proceeded to disturb them, watching the light of the animal as they flew cross their faces and up into the air. Giggles sounded out throughout the forest, joyful laughs and quick inhales of breath as they finally arrived to where ___ wanted to take them. 

The tree of voices.

Both slowly crept towards the sacred space, their steps leaving glowing footprints in the grass. The tree shone beautiful pinks and purples as the hanging branches swayed ever so softly in the wind, it wasn’t the only thing that took his breath away.

There she stood, with the biggest grin on her face, eyes twinkling in the light of their surroundings and tail swinging happily. She moved to the centre of the tree ‘’this is Ultral Aymokriyä, the tree of voices’’ she whispered softly, ‘’you are a man now Miles, one of the people, you are able to hear our ancestors’’ she grabbed his hand and brought him closer to a cluster of hanging branches and connected her queue to them, inhaling as the voices of the past filled her ears.

Quaritch followed her actions and his pupils dilated at the newfound sounds, he never really believed in Eywa before, taking it up as some sort of false goddess. But this, this proves whatever he thought was wrong. ‘’They live. Within Eywa’’ the woman facing him sensed a change of air and looked up as atokirina fell slowly to land on their shoulders. She gasped and disconnected her queue, never has she thought that the great mother would bless them both tonight.

This is a sign.

Miles looked towards the atokirina and then to the love of his life and decided that she was the one for him. He walked closer to her until they where chest to chest and grabbed her face in his overly large palms ‘’___. Now that I am one of the people I am able to choose a mate’’ he felt her tense under his touch and looked straight into her eyes to look for any uncertainty ‘’you have helped me and my son in a time of need, despite us being humans, you have seen past our faults and accepted us into your arms with love’’. ___ started to tear up, not expecting this heartfelt speech.

And in such good Na’vi, thank you Spider.

‘’___.. oel ngati kameie”

The woman suddenly took his face into her own palms and connected their lips, it was soft and sweet. Both leaving them breathless and wanting more.

“Ma Miles, I see you’’

Just couple of bushes away, a little boy with blue stripes was caught lurking, watching the two blue aliens as they confessed their everlasting love. He held his breath and lifted his mask, wiping a singular tear from his eye.

His ship has finally sailed.

[feathersforclones]

On Steady Paws - Chapter 1

The Force, like already stated, is connected to everything. It gives life and meaning, it takes you in its embrace when you are dying or giving up. Its all that we ever strove to be, everything we are and everything we always were.

The Force is not only a guiding hand but also an entity.

It can create life from nothing, just put everything it needs in a bucket, shake that a few times and then upend the mixture onto the floor and see what happens, what will form.

The Force wanted its chosen one to have a friend, someone who could match him, outsmart him, stand by him, tease him, protect him, and love him with all their being. It searched the multiverse, gathered, and discarded ideas and impressions, tested freed spirits and essences, nudged, and asked for permission because there is nothing more important than free will and freely made choices. It would never only take and take and take, this was not in its nature.

Friends, the Force found out, were not only humanoids or highly sentient species, but friends could also be animals and even plants. Although it discarded the last point on the list quite swiftly. A plant being surviving on a desert planet. No, no walking and needle shooting cactus in this dimension, thank you. But an animal was nearly perfect. The only problem was that the desert planet was lacking most common forms of those and even the Force could imagine that a small, newly hatched Krayt Dragon was most certainly not a good idea for a friend for its chosen. (Though peeking into that strain of life had some entertaining points it had to admit.) So the Force needed to find something for its chosen one, a companion, loyal and headstrong. Thankfully, so it needn’t introduce a new species to the planet, there was one logical choice, even if those types of animals lived in the more rocky areas of the deep desert instead of in the more stable zone the cities are located in. But that was something that could be done later on.

Gathering itself on one of the abandoned temples on the desert planet, the Force condensed everything it had gathered and deemed useable and good for this project, shaping it into a ball and feeding it its own essence, coaxing the small starting of life into a new beginning, twining strands of a willing soul into the blue ball shape, giving it a greener appearance.

The Force was quite happy with the result, rolling the ball of essence through the air, tweaking it a bit and nudging the little thing, growing it some more and reshaping some facts.

After polishing the small ball of essence, the Force moved its main concentration and the ball over to the city, swooping through the alleys until it found its Chosen Ones bright and warm soul. Happily snuggling up to the small child, the Force plucked gently at one of the bright strands, gently opening a connection and combined it with one of the blue-greenish ones of the new being, sprinkling it with shards of gold.

The child startled, head swiveling around for a short moment before settling down again, a bright smile on his face as he babbled to his Mother. Giving the Chosen One one last snuggle, the Force changed locations again, rolling the ball around itself.

Now it only had to implant the ball of essence and life into a female of the species and voila! Everything would be almost perfect!

Giddily the Force dove under the sand dunes, into long and dark tunnels in hard rock only to find a pack of the animals resting in a big pile. Perfect.

---------------------- Honestly, the start of my new life is nothing out of the ordinary, so I am going to be making it quite short and give you a few episodes of the mundane things happening to me. The real life, the real fun and the meaning of my rebirth, second reality existing whatever you want to call it, comes a bit later. That only starts after I met the “Menace”.

-------------------

I come to consciousness a few weeks after being born. Thank gosh for that, I would not have wanted to be awake and aware for that procedure, thank you very much. My mind is not quite awake yet, thoughts muddled and swirling through my brain like the liquid in a slow working slushie machine. (I know now that baby brains do not ever work like that, their ability to regain and hold thoughts is worse than a goldfish.) Even the first few moments of being “awake” take a toll on me, it saps my will away fast and leaves me exhausted, only able to nose against the warmth right in front of my nose, which smells familiar in a way I do not understand yet.

 Its dark around me and I cannot open my eyes. I feel warm though and somehow feeling like there are things pressed to me, someone is breathing in my ear, which can already flick and twist and someone is pushing me with his fat paws to get me away from my place of wherever the heck I am. But I am warm and comfortable and I feel safe where I am, so I wiggle a bit, push my appendage back into the one pushing me and nip the warmth right in front of my nose. I get squirted with something sweet and warm in response.

Really great day.

I lick it off and go right back to sleep, cuddled in the pile of warmth and fuzziness.

------------------- The next few awake periods are the same as before, I wake up, I nose up to the sweet-smelling warmth and I lay there, prodding my appendages against the other living fuzzy and warm things next to me. Sometimes I get nipped, blunt flesh grabbing onto my own. Sometimes I nip someone else.

Tastes terrible.

----------------------- There is not much to do in that time but think. And thinking is what I do, staying awake longer and longer with every awake period. The other beings beside me get more active, squiggling and wiggling all around and over me and getting nipped in the process. There is not much space I can feel around me, so I stay still and think, only moving if something pushes me away again. The sweet-smelling liquid I can always eat keeps me happy and sated quite well.

---------------------------

    It is raining harshly, drops of water sliding down my ears, trailing down my neck and flee over my flanks to finally race to my tail and fall down the white tower I am hanging onto. My eyes are squinting, focused on the slightly overhanging ledge above me, only a few paw strides away. My claws are slipping, finding no purchase on the slippery surface of the tower and I want to bite down in frustration, tear cracks into the metal thing to help me climb! I cannot even jump right now, cannot use my hindlegs to propel myself upwards and into safety. So, I hold on, growling and hoping that something will happen to give me the opportunity to move again. Why, oh why had I joined this one to fly through space and see the lost planet? Oh yeah, because the Menace told me to take care of him and because I was not inconspicuous enough to go undercover with him and Pretty. So, here I am, hanging around for fear of falling and taking a bath that would probably be my last one. And it is all because of the one hand grabbing harshly onto my neck, panting breaths ghosting over my back and warmth partly laying on top of me. The straw haired youth would be so disappointed in me if I let the Sweettalker fall now, let him fall all the way down into the wild sea beneath us.

“That…” the voice whispers, words nearly swept away by the constant rain falling down on us, “this could have gone way better.” I grunt lowly, pushing one of my paws a few millimeters higher only to lose footing on my hindleg.

“I… Give me a few seconds, I can get us up. No worries.” The voice continues and I really wish I could give him a sarcastic remark, but sadly my vocal cords do not work that way. I can feel a second hand finally grabbing onto my shoulder, pulling my wet fur, weight shifting on my back and firm legs pushing the body up and shifting my weight to—

 To fall over from my sleeping spot at the edge of the puppy pile and slide down the sandy hill build on bush twigs and prey bones until my ass is still up right at the edge of the nesting ring and my poor snout hits the rocky surrounding. My ears flatten beside my head and I must be a picture of pure pity right about now. Not that someone cares mind you.

I stay still, my thoughts whirling through my mind at internet explorer speed, its all muddled and confusing, more feeling and intuition than knowledge. I get those dreams, or something like them at least, not every sleep but more than half of them for sure. It is like I am remembering things and situation and people! But I cannot put a connection to them, like a living always reoccurring deja-vu.

A paw right in front of my snout drags me back into the present, the coarse and bright silver fur of my sire catching my attention at once. The paw is bigger than my entire form right now, the claws dark and long with tipped claws at the end. The smell alone has my soft and small hackles raising slightly. Sire is never happy with me. I was born the last one, the runt, the waste of space. I did not move much; I wasn’t as vocal as my siblings and I didn’t look like him or my mother one tiny bit.

He growls at me, his eyes slitting as he stares at me, a low huffing sound leaving his elongated muzzle. His ears are like radar dishes on top of his head, swivelling around and catching all the sounds in the tunnels.

I stare at him, there is not much I can do. And biting him with my puppy teeth is really not what I wanted to do.

Sire gives another huff and walks off, one of his paws coming down sharply on my long tail. Pain lances through me, my poor tail curling upwards and slapping the butthole of a canine as he stalks off, my unhappy and pained whines not even getting my sleeping mother to twitch.

------------------------------ I should have known they would do this. What happens to the runt of the litter? They get eaten in some instances, they get left behind in others. Not with us. Not with my species of canines living under the desert sands. No. ---------------------- Mother brought me outside the tunnels, sharp teeth digging into my neck and letting me dangle from her maw. The distance to the floor was great and so I didn’t try to wiggle too much, only whining and snuffling at her, not understanding what she was doing to me, why she is bringing me away when my siblings sleep and I should be too. She is fast, moving like a living shadow through the tunnels sloping higher and higher, the terrain getting more rough and stone like, th wind is getting louder, howling through these parts and carrying sand with it, which stings my sensitive ears.

And I am all ears. Literally. I look like a fat ball of coarse fluff with satellite dishes on top of my skull!

I yip again, whine and twitch my hindpaw at Mother, but she only shakes me a little and I fall silent again, the pressure on my neck thankfully not increasing.

I have a bad feeling about this and it gets worse with every step my Mother takes. As soon as she clears a bend in the tunnel I know what is going on. Light falls through an opening at the end of the tunnel, bright and warm and windy. Yes, a windy light, shifting and swooshing. Loud. The smells are off, no one had been here for a while and now my Mother was taking me here? One step more. I am the runt. Two steps. Not as agile. Three steps. Not likely to survive. Four steps. Not worth investing the energy to teach to survive or hunt. Five steps.

The light engulfs us, it’s a harsh thing to go from the twilight of tunnels to the bright lights of the rest of the world, thankfully our eyes have extra lids to shield them. The wind is louder, muffling my increased whinings and yelps.

We are up halfway to a mountain or something, I can see rocks, holes in the rocks and dunes. Dunes of sand as far as the eye can see.

Mother opens her maw. I fall.

[feathersforclones]

Excerpt of chapter 2 of the crackfick:

“I am all ears. Literally.”

[joshler-reclists]

// two boys, one hamster by gayestever

Warnings: badass!josh (punk!josh?), tyler steals a hamster, crackfic?

Words: 1.932

“Dude… is that a hamster in your pocket?” Josh questioned. His tongue darted out and wet his bottom lip. A blue stud flashed in the shitty fluorescent lighting. Tyler willed himself to not say anything stupid.

“Maybe I’m just happy to see you?” Tyler suggested, his eyes widening after he realized what he said. It was that lack of impulse control that had gotten him into this situation in the first place.

(Tyler steals a hamster and Josh steals a kiss.)

[transformationstuck]

How bout Jane transforming into a fat mindless pig?

Jane’s mind fucked off as her body changed from a human to that of a swine, the mind was like, we have to draw a line in the sand, we have to make a statement, we need to ask, what am i willing to put up with today, NOT FUCKING THIS, before leaving her body seemingly as the idea of rolling in mud and breeding took over.

-punished mod x

[odditiesexpress]

jojodacrow replied to your post:feminist-fairy replied to your post:Memo to Me:...

I would literally read an AU where Dean and Cas read the phone book to each other if it were written by you.

"Hey Cas, can you read the fifth one down? Mine is smudged."

"Mike Hawk... Dean what's that, why are you laughing?" 

"Aw, come on, man."

"There is nothing funny about Mike Hawk." 

"I'll say." 

"Then why are you laughing?" 

"You really don't hear it?" 

"Hear what? Mike Hawk is perfectly normal for a human."

"I feel like I came in at the wrong time. What the hell are you guys doing?" 

"Hey, Sammy watch this. Cas. Cas. You think he wears a turtleneck?"

"Dean, whether or not Mike Hawk has a turtleneck is none of your concern... Dean! I don't understand, what is so incapacitating about Mike Hawk?" 

At which point Dean falls out of his chair laughing and Sam starts to question the life choices he's made that led him to this point. 

[planetfeels]

SEHUN SMUT FOR ANON (EXPLICIT)

The exo dorm was empty and sehun had draped himself over the coush seductively. White outfite and dark shades made him look like a suga-daddy. Your suga daddy.

You sat on the armchair opposite and admired his physique. With his dark shades you couldn’t tell that he had noticed you staring

“draw me like one of your French girls” he whispered

He took off his shades to look you in the eye

“strip” you told him

“yehet” he said, ripping off his clothes

You smile and grab a pencil and paper to draw him, sketching down every detail of his body

You turned the masterpiece around and it was so good it gave him a boner

He bit his lip

“I think this is the part where we” he paused to wiggle his eyebrows, “frickle frackle”

So you took your clothes off and jumped on his dick, riding him all the way to his room and closing the door with your foot (?????)

On his bed you wiggled and wobbled and even did the splits

Screams of yehet and ohorat echoed through the dorm while you panted so hard you sounded like a dog barking. The two of you were so loud that you didn’t notice the other members returning to the dorm.

The last thing you heard was Jongin’s enraged scream:

“SEHUN WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE WITH MY KIDS?”

_________________________

~ C

[maxwolfanfic]

KEKANU REVEALS HIS FUCKING UGLY TRUE FORM “I will not be defeated so easily.” Kekanu said, glaring at me, and then he transformed into a hideous beast with a more humanoid appearance, which was also much more powerful and dangerous, as he was able to almost killing me with one super destructive energy blast which burned one of my legs. I told him: “Bastard!” and he just laughed, and that pissed me off, so I used my magic energy to generate a magic sword which I immediately used to cut the left hand of that motherfucker. “Ouhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, my hand.” He said, and then I use my sword to cut his ugly head. Everyone was shocked by that, and all of them remained silent for a while, thinking that I killed my opponent; something like that would have disqualified me from the wizard tournament. However, before I was disqualified, Kekanu´s severed head started laughing, and then he said that he wasn´t dead yet. “I told you that I will not be defeated so easily…” He remarked, just before his headless body started attacking me with all its strength, and then I asked: “What the fuck are you, motherfucker?” Kekanu laughed, and then his severed head transformed into a monster, while his headless body transformed into a demon-like creature which I instantly recognized as one of the demonic Pokémon from Solomon Phoenix, one of my old opponents. (See the previous chapter “THE BATTLE AGAINST DEMON POKEMON”) “As I promised in the past, here we are to take revenge of you for the death of our Pokémon trainer, Solomon Phoenix.”