#crashing through

[dumbcane]

Crashing Through - Chapters 11 + 12

An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works

[machetelanding]

[thehoneyedhufflepuff]

Crashing Through

written for the carry on countdown day 16:

reimagined scene

Rating: Teen

Words: 1300

Summary: What if Simon & Baz had just a few more minutes alone together on the beach at the end of Wayward Son? (Simon just wants Baz to be happy. Baz just wants Simon to see that he doesn't want to give him up.)

Read here or on AO3

SIMON

“Why can’t you see that I wouldn’t be happy anywhere without you?” 

It shocks me, how loud he’s being. It’s not quite like that night in the forest; his voice isn’t quite thunder. But still. I must look like he’s shocked me, because his face is softening into something else, something like…

Fuck, is that pity? I don’t fucking want his pity.

I just want him happy.

I don’t know why he can’t bloody see that he’d be better off without me. That it’ll hurt at first—it’ll really fucking hurt, if he feels anything close to what I do for him—but it’d be best, in the end.

I should’ve ended things before we came on this godforsaken trip. Then he wouldn’t’ve been in the line of fire. Actual, literal fire—

“Simon…” he whispers, and then he just...looks at me. He looks at me like I’m supposed to have an answer. 

I do.

I shake my head. “Baz…” Fuck, don’t start crying again. Not now…

I have to look away from him; I have to swallow the lump in my throat. If I have to see the pain in his eyes when I…

When I…

“Simon. Don’t you get it?”

“You’re wrong,” I say, and my voice wavers. “You can be happy. You will be, without me. Just—”

“Simon Snow,” Baz says, and just hearing the way my name sounds in his mouth is ripping my heart from my chest. “If you’re trying to end this, at least have the decency to look me in the eye.” His voice is calm. Cool. Quiet. Like he doesn’t care at all.

But of course he doesn’t. Why would he?

I look him in the eye, those lovely grey pools. Deep water grey. “We should. We.” I can feel the anger boiling in my gut on top of the heartbreak, washing over it like a rogue wave. How can he just sit there?

I clench my fists at my sides. I want to clock him. Kiss him. 

“We should,” I try again.

Baz grinds his perfect fucking jaw back and forth, and when he sucks on his fangs and sneers, I just—

“Use your words, Snow.”

—break.

I growl. I surge forward. I take him by the shirt collar and pull on him until our mouths crash together, until our teeth click. 

Then I push him down into the sand, and he lets me. 

BAZ

I think Simon Snow just broke up with me.

Or he tried to, rather. Now I’ve no idea what this is. 

I’m letting him go, letting him suck at my lips, letting him delve his tongue into my mouth, letting him press his hips into mine…

Because I’m weak. Because I’m a constant disappointment to myself. Because I’m hopelessly in love with Simon bloody Snow, and I’ll take what I can get while I can get it. 

I take it all. I’m not sure whether I’m allowed to kiss him back.

I don’t know what you want, Simon.

If I stop this, he may never kiss me again. This could very well be the last…

Kiss me, kill me, break my heart…

My face is wet. Cold, angry tears falling, falling…

I pull him closer. I take the chance on him pulling away.

He doesn't.

SIMON

Cold lips. Cold mouth.

Cold tears.

BAZ

There's a warmth against my skin.

New warmth. Wet warmth. Not...whatever this is. Not Simon's hot skin on mine. Not the warmth of the sun…

Simon Snow.

You were the sun, and I was crashing into you.

You still are. I still am.

He whimpers against my mouth.

He's crying.

SIMON

I can't look at him. And I don't want him to look at me.

I don't want him to see me.

I could keep kissing him forever. You can't hide from someone who's kissing you, but at least you can close your eyes.

I love him so much.

I want to tell him so.

My lips are trembling against his. Because I don't deserve him, I think. Then, No. Because it hurts to love someone this much. This way.

The bubble that's been building in my throat finally breaks.

BAZ

A sound vibrates against my lips.

And then Simon pulls away. I feel the sob tearing through his chest before it pours from his mouth.

He's still pressing me into the sand.

I wrap my arms around him and hold him tight against me.

It's rolling off him in waves, every awful thing he's been through this week, this last year and a half, his entire life.

I squeeze my eyes shut as I hold him. As I let him cry. As I cry with him.

"It'll be alright, love," I whisper to him. I've not called him that since…

Since…

He just shakes harder against me and bunches my shirt in his fist.

"I love you," I tell him, finally. Finally. Because there's nothing to lose now. (There's everything to lose.) Because this might be the last chance I get. Because I almost lost him without him ever knowing how much he means to me. "I love you, I love you, I love you."

Simon sobs harder against my neck.

"I love you, Simon Snow," I say again. I say it loud enough for him to hear over the surge of the ocean. Over the surge of the waves crashing through him. "It'll be alright."

SIMON

Love. Love. Love.

I remember the night I asked Baz to be my boyfriend. (Well, the night I asked to be his terrible boyfriend. Fuck, I never thought I'd be this terrible.) I told him I didn't care that he didn't like me…

I was bloody well lying to myself, wasn't I? I've been lying to myself since the day I met him.

I take a few deep breaths and try to steady myself.

Baz loves me.

I pull back and scrub at my face with the heel of one hand.

I'm scared to look at him, and I'm just now realizing how ridiculous that is. I faced gunshots for him just the other day. I've slain vampires. (And that disgusting devil-eyed goat and his cronies.) I can practically hear the Mage in my head, saying, "You've slain a dragon, Simon." If only the bastard could see me now.

I'd really rather not think of the Mage just now.

I'm scared to look at Baz. But I do it anyway. My shadow is playing against his pale skin, shielding him from the light of the sun.

I can't let him go. Not now.

Come on, I think. Come on.

Baz reaches for me with one hand and pushes some hair back from my forehead.

He loves me.  

I can see it in his eyes.

I can feel it in the way he touches me, so gentle it makes me want to pull away.

I don't pull away. 

I nod at him. I can feel my lips starting to tremble again.

"You don't have to," Baz whispers, "if you're not ready—"

"No. No. I…"

I almost lost him. I could've lost him, and he never…

He's got tear tracks running down his face. His black hair is splayed shining against the sand. I can practically hear him complaining about trying to get the grains out.

The thought makes me huff a laugh. (It sounds like a sob.)

"Fuck, Baz. Fuck, I." Come on. Please... 

I take one more breath.

"I love you so fucking much." I practically choke on the words, but I've said them, and he's here.

I've got him right where I want him.

Under my hands, my body pressing into his.

My lips against his.

My hands in his hair.

His cold palms against the small of my back, under my shirt.

Baz.

Baz.

Baz.

"Baz!" Penelope. "Nicks and Slick, you two, sort yourselves on your own time; we have to go!"

[thehoneyedhufflepuff]

2019 Top Five

Rules: It’s time to love yourselves! Choose your 5 favorite works you created in the past year (fics, art, edits, etc.) and link them below to reflect on the amazing things you brought into the world in 2019. Tag as many writers/artists/etc as you want (fan or original) so we can spread the love and link each other to awesome works!

thank you for tagging me @ninemagicks @sourcherrymagiks @f-ing-ruthless-baz @sharkmartini 💜

2019 was the year I found Carry On & this lovely fandom. It was the year I started writing & drawing again after many years of being creatively stagnant (& I wrote a LOT; over 310k published on AO3 & who knows how much is currently sitting unpublished in my Google Drive). It’s been a bit of a bumpy ride—lots of self-doubt & uncomfortable feelings about my own work—but this book ultimately gave me my creativity back, & some wonderful friends, & self-growth, day by day. I’ve been in a bit of a funk since the end of the countdown, & especially these last few weeks, so I think this will be a good opportunity for me to reflect on the things I’m proud of & try to say some nice things about my own work. Let’s get the party started.

1. Between the Lines

Y’all probably aren’t surprised, right? I feel like BTL has really helped me grow as a writer while telling a story that’s very personal & important to me. When I first started this fic, it was meant to be just a little bookshop AU. I’m very proud of what it’s become, & the reception it’s had has blown me away. I appreciate everyone who’s read it/reading it/yet to read it so very, very much. I never would’ve guessed that I’d still be working on this fic, let alone how long it would be. I think it’s probably my best work stylistically & in terms of the story, even if sometimes I cringe when I reread the beginning. (I either cringe or really like my work when I reread it, there’s no in-between.) (I mostly really like this one when I need to go back & study it.)

IDK, I’ve talked about BTL a LOT the last eight months. I’m not sure what else I can say about it right this moment, but I’m sure I’ll think of something eventually, & hopefully y’all aren’t sick of hearing about it because I don’t think I can help it.

🦖💛💙🦖

2. A Pair of Splendid Morons

This fic is still near & dear to my heart. I like to say it was the first fic I finished in the fandom, but it was actually my second (I don’t...like to talk about Merry Gentlemen. At all. I think I’ve been scarred since I got a scathing anon review in the comments [which is why I no longer allow anon comments on AO3, RIP].) (I made some...choices with that fic. ANYWAY.)

So Splendid Morons was the second fic I finished in the fandom (it’ll be a year old on Valentine’s Day; can you believe?!). It’s my second-longest (after BTL, of course, lmao) & I wrote it in just six weeks, which is lightning-fast by my standards. (This set me up to think I was a fast writer. I was sorely disappointed when I discovered that’s not the case.) It’s also my most-read fic, though BTL is super close to taking the crown.

My writing’s improved a lot since I first posted APOSM, I think, but I also think it holds up pretty well! (I do worry sometimes that I wrote Simon too soft, & there are a few mistakes I made by not properly researching [ahem, looking at you, Suitgate].) (One thing I found slightly amusing was the influx of readers this one got after Wayward Son, lmao. This fic is not in the vein of WS at ALL.) (Okay, that might be sort of false? I do mention trauma etc. in the fic, but I guess the main difference is that Simon & Baz really try to face these things together instead of apart. And also they communicate, albeit somewhat awkwardly. It’s a dream come true.)

For anyone who hasn’t read it, it’s a Carry On-era canon first time fic, & it spawned my post-Carry On series that is now an AU. I still have stories to tell on that timeline, but it’s sort of hard to forget Wayward Son completely, you know? When I first started writing this, it was technically still possible. Now it’s only possible as an AU, which is fine. (I’m not really sure where I’m going with this...I just have weird feelings, lol.) OH, also this was the first time I ever wrote a sex scene. I think it’s actually pretty good for a first time (mine & theirs, lmao).

3. Housewarming

Sort of cannot believe I’m picking the smuttiest thing I’ve ever written as one of my top fics of the year, but also??? I’m proud of this fic. It’s super hard to write smut—no euphemism—& I reread this one recently & thought I did a pretty good job. (I was actually slightly ashamed after I posted it, but I got over that once I got some nice comments. Nice comments are always very helpful.) I’ll share one here, which I think is fine since AO3 comments are public anyway:

Your writing just has so much LOVE in it and you write their companionship and connection so beautifully. You know, I wasn't going to read First Bite because that's not my kind of thing and usually grosses me out, but I've loved your other stuff so I gave it a shot. Turns out, it's just that stories like that tend to focus on the kink and grit, but you focus on everything that's good between them instead. And then you show how those good things lead to the perhaps more-than-vanilla coupling.

This fic, too, is grimy and steamy, but it's also sweet because you include the right details... This is not a smut fic of the rough kinky variety. It's a smut fic about two people reveling in a sacred space/act they've created together. Props to you because the difference is palpable. (I have never in my life written so much about sex on a fic review so sorry about this ramble lmao)

Y’all...this comment meant so much to me. This is what it’s really about, you know? I’m trying to show them expressing love, & this just made me so happy. Numbers-wise, stories with a focus on sex seem to get fewer kudos/comments, & I think part of that is the anonymity factor (which I totally understand), but I just want to say that something like this means A TON to those of us who write stuff like this. Many thanks to @sappho-said-i-could ; this comment single-handedly made me much less self-conscious about this particular work. 💜

4. Crashing Through

This is one of my favorite ficlets from the countdown, & also my most popular countdown fic on Tumblr in terms of notes (not that that’s a deciding factor, but it DOES make me happy). It’s a little alternate ending to WS (just a what if? for the beach scene at the end of the book.)

Like many, Wayward Son hit me really hard. I love Wayward Son a lot, but I spent days feeling so emotionally drained, & then weeks just unable to write. This was one of the first things I wrote that even had anything to do with Wayward Son, & fun fact! I wrote it all by hand in the car on a day trip. While it’s obviously not a canon-possible scene at this point, I still really like it. (I reblogged it yesterday as part of my Fandom Anniversary Reblog Thingy that I’m doing, & I read it & thought, Huh. Sometimes I’m decent at this whole writing thing.)

I actually felt stuck when I went to write Be With Me after this, because I didn’t think I could top the way they said I love you in this one (I still...sort of prefer this to the scene in Be With Me but oh well, what’re you gonna do).

5. “Love”

Can y’all tell I don’t normally name my art pieces? I don’t normally name them. I’m super proud of this one; it was the last piece of art I made in 2019, & I think it’s one of my best. It’s one of my least “popular” pieces in terms of notes, but I still really like it a lot & I did a side-by-side comparison of this next to my first fanart last year & it was super encouraging to see my progress. Sharing art has been scarier for me than sharing writing, but seeing how far I’ve come since June was very helpful.

ANYWAY! BTL is super close to my heart, as y’all know, & I had a moment where I just really wanted to draw them in this moment where they’re finally getting some time to just be together & enjoy the newness of their relationship. This was done in copic marker for the most part, though I also used colored pencil for their blushes (my brand 😏) & Baz’s sweater. (At one point I thought I’d completely ruined the whole piece because of how Baz’s sweater was looking, but then @knitbelove gave me some sweater advice & I went back to work & held my breath & everything turned out okay in the end.) This is also the last traditional piece of art I’ve done, & I should probably change that soon. (Please give the original post some love if you’re so compelled. 💜💜💜)

I think I’m a few days late in terms of doing this, so I’m not sure who all has gone yet! I’ll tag @warriorbeeofthesea @krisrix @pipsqueakparker @icarus-n-flames @vkelleyart @singerofsimplesongs @fight-surrender @knitbelove @annabellelux @pitchpatronus @subpar-selkie @neck-mole @cynopoe @gibbarts & anyone else who sees this & wants to do it! Seriously, that means you! 😉

[iwannapushthebutton]

ez a szám > minden

Everybody′s ready Everybody's waiting For me to get into gear I′ve been keeping steady Trying to keep my brain from Sliding sideways out of my ear

I been second guessing Tossing and turning Cursing myself forever even trying But every day I get up I point my feet somewhere I walk a little further, run a little faster Make my way through my next disaster

I know the audience is only in my head I can tell them to be quiet All my fears, they came crashing through at once But it turns out I'm just fine

Everybody's ready Everybody′s waiting For me to get into gear They can keep staring I put on a good show Tossing and turning, falling and learning Writing it down and watching it burn

I know the audience is only in my head I can tell them to be quiet All my fears, they came crashing through at once But it turns out I′m just fine

I know the audience is only in my head I can tell them to be quiet All my fears, they came crashing through at once But it turns out I'm just fine

Watch me run, watch me spin Watch me get outta here I always do Watch me run, watch me spin Watch me get outta here I always do

[danskjavlarna]

“An uninvited visitor.”  From The Boy’s Own Paper, 1879.

[danskjavlarna]

“They all broke through the window at once.”  An illustration from Dicks’ English Library of Standard Works (1884).

Mayhem, pandemonium, chaos: it’s all topsy turvy.

[softphysics]

Push cart, that won't go Catch ball, then overthrow Yeah yeah, that's old school Yeah yeah, that's overdue Yeah yeah, skip that too Whoa whoa, got a new thing crashing through Whoa whoa, got a new thing crashing through Whoa whoa, got a new thing crashing through Got a new thing crashing through