#creep talk

[trashcanalienist]

I know that one day, eventually, it'll all get to be too much for me - more than I can handle. More than a creature like me was ever intended to be able to do. And in my terror and misery and wailing failure, I'll take my own flesh so it won't be torn from me in sickness or in agony unwanted. And I fear this greatly for while I do not welcome dеath I do accept its embrace, but this is not dеath - this is dying, this is failure and hurt and pain and sadness and great awful misery, and it's all I was ever intended for.

I mourn a future that was never mine but which I allowed myself to desire even so, for foolishness - for pursuit of life.

[trashcanalienist]

Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow will dawn and morning fall, and days will rise and nights will fall, and the dead will rise and, living, fall, and all shall rise for all in all, the matter of this mortal ball, our vampire flesh and muted wawl, our last and lonesome farewell call - this fragile, fragrant, futile wall.

[trashcanalienist]

You human fools and your "gender euphoria". Have you ever considered that what you're experiencing is the expected reaction of someone who has their entire lives been suffering from low-grade gender dysphoria? Have you ever considered that perhaps you just accepted that feeling badly was the norm? Have you ever thought in your entire life? Ah, but I'm not here to be rude. Please, I beseech thee; please refrain from making up terms that don't need to be made up. It's all the same beast. It's only that some of us have worn his pelt for so long that we no longer remember our own skin.

If the idea of being a girl makes you happy, then you were clearly unhappy as a boy. If you couldn't recognize this unhappiness as anything other than normal, it doesn't make it any less true.

[trashcanalienist]

What is it that turns the jade-black sea so deep and flatly shining? What is it that casts the rock to pebbles and carves away at great mountains? What is it that floats in glass-layered sun my shadow so weightless?

The ultraviolet ray, I dearly think. Bleak and unbearable depth of awe.

There's some phantasm, some indescribable - restless flight, some deep dazed connection to ancient...nameless cities long since turned to tomblike silence, yet given new life through animal use. The sun at this flat harsh angle of glass strikes the mirror behind my eyes, and the reflecting glint is an agony of discorporating love.

[trashcanalienist]

My favorite is the ghoul or the vampire or the zombie because I am always constantly terrified of the deаd flesh which once lived coming to drag me down into a hellish cessation or worse eternal awareness. It drives me to incoherency so rarely often so commonly, to madness, to fevered rambling large- and luminous-eyed, wild, clawing fingers, muttering low and dreamlike fright - I worry about it constantly it lives inside me it gnaws inside me it is full of sweet little teeth and they are all of them sunk deep into my viscera, red, tough, deep, raw, wet, screaming, shrieking as the tendons always do when torn apart

[trashcanalienist]

I think I'm just no good at making or having friends actually

[trashcanalienist]

The ONLY important thing is the level of god in the air divine, breathe and universality soothes

[trashcanalienist]

Like, y'all know that's part of the POINT of On The Road, right? That Neal Cassady's furiously brilliant excitement and passion for the world burns those around him? Jack tries to find a balance between that alluring fire of living life fully, breathing every single ray of sunlight and digging near everything there is to be dug, and the reality of less tenuous human connection that slotting back into the norm of hierarchical capitalism will get you.

Not everything written down is written in ultimate praise. Sometimes (and I know this is hard for you) you're actually supposed to think about it.