My 4th sister’s birthday is this upcoming week
it still feels so weird to be able to say that again.
We reconnected years ago at this point, but I don’t remember much of the shared points of our childhoods. I know it was nearly a decade- I get bits and pieces- sharing a bedroom- sharing beds. Breakfast. Bathrooms. I know we spent the better parts of 6 weeks together in the summers at Grandma’s house. I remember breaking up fights. I remember the first time they let me babysit the girls completely alone. Somebody handed me a belt before they left for the hours they’d be gone; I couldn’t do it. I put them in timeout instead- like my grandmother.
I think she spent a lot of time with the middle 2 girls, and I ended up kinda corralling the 2 babies. I know I put a lot of pressure on her and 2 to include 5 despite 3’s objections. I know that ended up helping 4 to some extent when everything fell apart.
I know she feels like my sister, like if I could just find that rhythm, I could pick up that relationship. I know that she introduced me as that without thinking when I helped out on the headset for a couple hours at the drive in that one time. So she sees me that way too.
I just can’t remember almost any of it- not as real, episodic memories of my life. There are just cloudy bits and pieces- like running my hand through a mud puddle and watching it swirl around me.
