The Confession || 15.18 Redone
The scene between Dean and Cas, fit to this blog’s storyline. The speech from the episode is still in there, just a warning, but it’s more fit to our blog. I do not own any of the dialogue written from the actual episode. An explanation as to why Cas is still around on this blog and he makes some plans for the future.
“Hello, Dean.”
Dean looked up in surprise when he heard the familiar voice of the angel he’d known the longest. He was standing there, usual clothes, like he hadn’t been living in Balthazar’s off-world apartment for the last couple months, only coming to the bunker when Sam absolutely needed help with research. They hadn’t really spoke much since summer, now that he thought about it.
Was he supposed to make a move to say something after their last conversation?
“I am not with Balthazar,” Cas said quietly, “That is in the past. I love him, I always will, but it is a platonic love now.”
“Why are you telling me that?” Dean asked.
“I just…wanted you to know,” Cas told him, “Because everyone is thinking about their future, about what they want after all of this is over,” he stood up, “I am going to go make sure Jack made it home okay,” he said before disappearing right in front of Dean’s eyes.
Dean stared at the spot he’d disappeared from and sighed, “What the hell?”
Shit, probably.
“Hey, man,” Dean cleared his throat when he saw it, “How’s it…been going?” he asked awkwardly.
Cas shrugged, a very human move for him to do, “Jack isn’t going to be able to replace Lucifer for the spell,” he said bluntly, “Michael has...tried and is losing patience with him. He just...he’s a nephilim, he can’t replace an archangel.”
“So what now?” Dean asked.
“Three options,” Cas said simply, “Bring back Lucifer, which Gabriel among others is very highly against; we could somehow try to mimic the power of an archangel but without any ideas, that’s not much of an option; or accept defeat,” he deadpanned.
“We don’t just lay down and die, Cas,” Dean sighed, “We don’t give up.”
Cas looked down at the floor, sighing, “Dean...the end is coming. There is no stopping it. People are disappearing, one of us could be next. And even then...you know about my deal. Even if somehow he manage to defeat Chuck, which is looking more and more impossible each day, it’s coming for me.”
“We’ll figure it out, man, we always do,” Dean shook his head, standing up, “We got time, it’ll all work out, it always does.”
“I think about it, so much,” Cas admitted, “Dean, I always wondered what my true happiness would look like; ever since I took that burden, that curse, I wondered...what it could be, what my true happiness could even look like,” he laughed weakly, “I never found an answer because the one thing I want...it’s something I know I can’t have.”
“Cas, c’mon-” Dean started.
“We keep doing this,” Cas sighed, “This same song and dance, over and over again. We come back together, we fight, we walk away for a while...we always come back to it and I know why. I know why I do, Dean, but I don’t understand why you do. I can’t have you, not in the way I want to, not in the way that would make me truly happy.”
“I’ve been trying, man,” Dean choked out, “I’m really, really trying.”
“I think I know now...I know that happiness isn’t in the having. It’s why I keep coming back, because even just being close to you, being your friend...it’s enough, despite always wanting you.”
“What are you talking about, man?” Dean shook his head.
“I know it all, Dean, I’ve seen you inside and out. I know how you see yourself...you see yourself, how our enemies see you. You’re destructive, you’re angry, you’re broken, you’re daddy’s blunt instrument,” he scoffed, “You think that hate and anger, that’s what drives you, that’s who you are. It’s not...and everyone who knows you sees it. They see everything you have ever done, the good and the bad, you have done...for love. You raised your little brother, for love, you fought for this whole world, for love. That is who you are.”
Dean stared at him in shock, trying to process everything Cas was saying. Sure, he’d been putting it all on the line in therapy lately, but hearing someone he cared about talk to him like that...it did shock him a little. Cas usually backed down by now, usually gave up and stopped talking, but he just kept going. It’s like it was his last time to talk and he was laying it all on the line for him.
“You’re the most caring man on earth, you are the most selfless, loving human being I will ever know,” Cas shook his head, “I’m sure you don’t want to hear that, I’m sure you don’t want to hear all of this, but you need to know. Ever since we met, ever since I pulled you out of Hell, knowing you has changed me. Because you cared, I cared. I cared about you, I cared about Sam, I cared about Jack...I cared about the whole world because of you. You changed me, Dean,” he laughed through tears.
“Why does this sound like a goodbye?” Dean asked, almost dreading the answer.
“Because it is,” Cas sighed, stepping forward and touching his cheek, “We haven’t talked in months, Dean...and with everything coming down to just this moment, you need to know the truth. I love you.”
Dean stared at him, unsure of what to say. He’d probably always known, deep down, that’s how Cas felt. Despite everything they’d been through together, after everything, Cas was right...they always came back to each other.
“I just...I needed you to know that before the end,” Cas whispered, “Because you and I both know, even if we make it out of this...the shadow is coming for me. It’s looming over all of us, just waiting for that moment.”
“We’re gonna find a way,” Dean choked out, grabbing his hand when he went to pull away, “I mean it. We’re gonna find a way to stop all of this.”
Cas gave him a teary smile, “I appreciate your optimism, Dean...but there isn’t a way to get out of this,” he whispered before he disappeared again.
Dean stared at the space he’d just been in shock, quickly wiping his eyes with his hands, sighing in frustration.
Why couldn’t he say it back?
…
“I’m obviously not happy enough for the Empty to take me now,” Cas said bluntly, “There’s too much for me left to do...but I do appreciate you talking with me. I just...I want to know that Jack has a good life ahead of him.”
Michael smiled, though there was a sadness to it as well, “I would do anything for my nephew...I love him very much, so does Adam. We will be his family, we will protect him. Eventually, when the time comes, I will mentor him more on his powers and he will likely be ready to take over Heaven then Amara will step down.”
“I appreciate you planning ahead for him,” Cas laughed weakly, “But...Jack isn’t some angel, Michael. He’s half-human, with free will. He’s going to want to make his own decisions. If he decides he never wants to step up and go to Heaven, you need to respect that. I know Jack...and I know you can’t get him to do something he really doesn’t want to do.”
Michael nodded slowly, obviously processing what he’d said, “Adam frequently tells me that despite the time we’ve spent together, I still have much to learn about humanity. He is my guide to that and will be Jack’s as well. We’re going to raise him right, together, I promise you.”
“Thank you,” Cas breathed out, “That’s...very comforting to hear, Michael. It means a lot.”
“I will continue to work on a way to get you out of this situation, Castiel, but I cannot lie when I say that even I cannot beat the Empty,” Michael told him, “The one situation we can look into is you becoming fully human before the moment the Empty takes you...you would age and die in your vessel just like any normal human soul. That is something you need to think on though. You’ve been human, give it some thought. Lately, I see less and less wrong with humanity,” Michael gave him a small smile, looking down at the ring on his finger, “But you would be without any powers whatsoever, no connection to Heaven. I am just warning you.”
Cas nodded slowly, “Thank you again, Michael. I will...think it over.”
“Do you plan to tell Jack about your deal?” Michael asked quietly, “I just need to know so I can prepare him for that type of news.”
Cas shook his head, “No. Not yet...there’s already so much going on, I can’t stress him out anymore than he already is.”
Michael just nodded, “We will find a way to fix this, Castiel, I promise you.”