#d&d funny

[quotidian-oblivion]

DND Quote #48

DM: You need to go to this creature without getting killed like the scorpion before that went to investigate. Player: Oh, I don’t have many stealth spells… Me: I have Pass Without trace! DM: You gonna ask your teammate to investigate the creature? Player: Yes! Eira, could you— Me: Roll for charm. I’m currently having a mental breakdown, I ain’t listening to no one. *rolls an 8* Me: You fail. I ignore you.

[lockhinge]

Rogue: Hey, hey. You guys are ex-brigands now. NPC Bandit: Yeah, we're more like hobbyist criminals. Rogue: I mean, that's basically adventurers.

[zoecroman]

“And then he’ll just be a sad bard, twerking in a field alone.”

[kreeative-error]

DnD Ramble!

JUST got out of the most hectic session i have *ever* been in and i loved every second of it. Prior to the session i had been listening to "The Symmetry Wars" by DnDorks on spotify, in which they get a magic rock that they decide to lick, which is connected to a wild magic table. So my humble request before the session was to add some kind of fae curses/wild magic table, just for fun.

So we are currently doing kind of a spinoff stormwreck isle- this is the second last session of the campaign (and then i have to take over *sob*) , and for this session we're breaking into the clifftop observatory to free Jelly (a bronze wyrmling who is the friend of Pebbin, an Aarakocra). From Sparkrender (big bad lightning wyrmling). And the SECOND we step into the place, we get "so can everyone roll 2d10s." .....it was the fae curse table. And my character, Kalyre, now thinks he is a Robot on a mission to learn about this world. So when i end up running head first into a kobbold, my immediate reaction is to a) interrogate him on what being a kobbold is like, and b) give him a persuasive speach to convince him to rise up against Sparkrender. Which went something like this:

Kalyre: "Are you tired of this humble life on this planet? Then why not rise up against this "Sparkrender" fellow, ....whoiwouldliketointerviewlater......and make yourself better!" (in like a siri voice)

DM: ...Roll for persausion

Me: *roll* dirty 20 hehhe.

Kobbold: "Yk, i can't believe im saying this, but your strange, monotone siri voice ....idekwhosiriisbutyousoundlikeher..... you are very inspiring, you man."

Aaannnddd then i got advantage on all rolls when the kobbold was with me. I then proceed to keep walking, and lick a statue. So i then have 3 fae curses. Kal thinks he's a robot, is glowing like a lightbulb, and has grown a aligator tail and dog ears. (And as a fun bonus thing, our druid, Dae, is constipated, and Pebbin starts dancing whenever they talk.)

I then keep walking, directly into two MORE kobbolds. I try the same "rise up and defeat sparkrender" strategy and it fails miserably, but we beat their asses. And the og kobbold dies half way through the fight and yk what Kalyre does? Leans over him, holds out his hand (which the kobbold takes) and Kal just....licks his hand. And then mr kobbold just.....dies.

So we destory the rest of the cobbolds in combat, destroy the puzzle set out for us and sneak past Sparkrender into his prison. While attempting to free Jelly, Sparkrender hears us, and bursts down the passageway, knocks out Runara and Avonin (some side characters) and the final boss battle of the campaign begins.

For a bit of backstory, Kalyre is a horrible fighter. He's a bard, he doesn't fight, he just plots and does smart stuff. I have almost died....SO many times in this campaign, like, more than anyone else in the party. So naturally I am very on edge during this battle, because with my track record, Kal will probably die.

And thus the battle begins, and is going pretty well. And then it eventually gets to me, and upon looking at my spells, i find a decent looking damage spell, Hellish Rebuke. So i go for it, honestly expecting it to fail. And Sparkrender fails the Dex saving throw. I roll 3d10s, and he takes *23* fire damage. (His health was like, 53 or smth in total.) So i, the wimpy littler bard, take out almost half his health, in one spell. (He does end up being spiteful and hitting me back which took me down to 6 HP, but i'm allg) DM (@theboredasexual) is incredibly salty that we absolutely dessimated the final boss like it was nothing. It was fabulous.

So we win the battle, hurrah! Save Jelly. And then the final punchline of this whole thing, is "Can i get you all to roll 2d10s." MORE FAE CURSES. So I ended up with a brightpink, long-ass beard. But more importantly, Pebbin. Rolls a 23. Which on the table is "Victim becomes deathly afraid of birds."

Pebbin is an Aarokocra. Pebbin is a bird man. HE IS AFRAID OF HIMSELF.

[lost-and-created]

"Oooo, I cast testicular torsion!"

"Oooo, I cast mend buttcrack!"

I CAST...

💀FULL ORGAN PROLAPSE💀

[seths-art-suffers]

I make this and become the funniest motherfucker in the dnd party. My character is the elf on the lute in the idiot group, I think we should've killed the bbeg by having just the 3 of us in the idiot gang go off at him

[mrsmephisto]

More D&D Antics

Me, in character: We're here by order of the king!

Mayor: Which king?

Me: Why, King--! [Breaks Character] Fuck, what's the king's name?

DM: I... I don't think I gave him one?

[wispynador]

Grandpa Grehgor’s Foley

I once played a cleric of the death domain, an 88 year old changeling named Grehgor. Because I was the oldest character and realy leaned into the “crazy old geezer” bit, I was quickly nicknamed grandpa.

Our party saved a small sorcerer child from a town that witch-hunted anyone showing even a hint of magical ability. We obviously couldn’t take the kiddo with us on dangerous adventures, so we decided to volunteer someone we knew to permanently babysit. The DM had given everyone in the party a fast travel device to teleport them anywhere they’ve been to before, and I attempted to teleport myself and the smol to a boat owned by a friendly npc.

Unfortunately, the boat had already moved from the last place Grehgor had seen it. So, when Grehgor and the kiddo teleported, they ended up in the middle of he river. My character also lugged around a little red wagon chuck full of gold, so he and the fledgling mage sank like a brick tied to an anvil.

Grehgor and the child managed to make it out alive, but “the sunken treasure of grandpa Grehgor’s foley” still lies at the bottom of the river to this very day.