Jan 5
SOOOO IS ANYONE GONNA TALK ABOUT THIS OR???
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SOOOO IS ANYONE GONNA TALK ABOUT THIS OR???
best mozart/da ponte opera
le nozze di figaro/the marriage of figaro
don giovanni
così fan tutte
vanilla extract
Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart’s “Le nozze di Figaro”
I have previously addressed the conflicts as well as the separation between the genders – both in the music and in the libretto. A director who staged this opera in Vienna a few years ago pointed out in an interview Figaro’s aria at the beginning of Act 4, in which he portrays a generalized negative image of women, and that his political rebellion is limited only to the world of men. He also refers to the fact that during the French Revolution it became evident that with the Fraternité, the “brotherhood,” only the brothers were actually meant, and emancipated women were beheaded. I find this interpretation very interesting in light of the abovementioned gender separation. Let’s take another look at the final chorus in Act 4: Mozart separates the chorus into two distinct groups: women and men. He gives them different entries and, as can be seen from the vocal lines, has them sing separately. Both groups remain separated, with no interaction between them. If the quoted interpretation holds true, the separation might not only be based on personal differences between the characters, but could also be understood as a hidden critique by Mozart of the revolutionaries’ attitudes towards women and women’s rights. A critique that suggests that the revolutionaries hardly differ from the aristocratic men in this regard – which is why the “revolutionary” Figaro sings together with the Count. (And if Mozart assembled the groups based on these criteria and viewed Figaro as sharing the same characteristics and ideologies as the Count, leading to them singing together, then the decision to include Cherubino in the women’s group further supports the idea that the boy is not a “young Count”/”young Don Giovanni”/etc., and was not perceived as such by the composer.)
One more to celebrate the day.
I'll never be over the fact that Don Ottavio literally tells Donna Anna, minutes after her father is murdered, that he'll be her daddy now 😏😏
Opera Simplified #4: Così fan tutte
Così fan tutte, ossia La scuola degli amanti
(Thus Do All Women, or The School For Lovers)
Opera Simplified #4
The Basics:
Music: Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart
Libretto: Lorenzo da Ponte
Premiere: January 26, 1790; Burgtheater, Vienna, Austria
Based on: No direct source material, although some say it is inspired by either elements of Ovid’s Metamorphoses (as a classics major and someone’s who’s read it...eh) or an incident that had supposedly recently taken place in Vienna.
Setting: Naples, the late 1700s.
Characters:
Fiordiligi, a woman from Ferrara who lives in Naples—soprano
Dorabella, her sister—mezzo-soprano
Despina, their maid—soprano
Ferrando, Dorabella’s boyfriend, a soldier—tenor
Guglielmo, Fiordiligi’s boyfriend, a soldier—bass
Don Alfonso, an old philosopher—bass
*Note: these voice parts are not set in stone; for instance, Despina is occasionally played by a mezzo-soprano and Guglielmo by a baritone.
Requested by: @harry-leroy.
The Opera, Very Simplified (new feature!): “Thus do all women.” Is that really true, or do you just have a raging case of sexism?
Another New Feature: In addition to the notes link provided at the end of each scene, if you click on an asterisk set, it will now also take you to the notes section for that scene.
The Opera:
Overture
(and also here’s a version arranged for wind octet. I just thought it sounded cool.)
Act I:
Scene 1:
A café. Among the patrons are Ferrando, Guglielmo, and Don Alfonso, whom we meet in the middle of a conversation.
Ferrando: My Dorabella would NEVER cheat on me! She couldn’t—she’s as faithful as she is beautiful!
Guglielmo: Yeah! My Fiordiligi is like that too and she would also never cheat on me!
Don Alfonso: Well I’m older than both of you and I know more about life so I have full authority on this subject. Anyway, that was fun but let’s move on to other thi—
Ferrando and Guglielmo: NO YOU SAID OUR GIRLFRIENDS WOULD CHEAT ON US AND WE WANT PROOF
Don Alfonso: Eh, let’s forget the proof and that this conversation ever happ—
Ferrando and Guglielmo: NO WE WANT PROOF AND IF YOU WON’T GIVE IT THEN WE MUST ASK YOU TO DRAW YOUR SWORD AND ALSO WE CAN’T BE FRIENDS ANYMORE
Don Alfonso: (Geez, these people must be crazy for wanting to know.)
Ferrando and Guglielmo: HE WRONGED US HE MUST PAY
Guglielmo: Well then, Alfonso, draw your sword. Duel whichever of us you prefer.
Don Alfonso: I don’t fight duels except at the table and with words.
Ferrando: Either fight or tell us why you think our girlfriends would cheat on us.
Don Alfonso: hahaha how sweet and cute that you think otherwise hahaha
Ferrando: STOP JOKING I SWEAR TO GOD
Don Alfonso: Well, by the earth, I swear that I’m not joking. One question: what species are your lovers?
Ferrando and Guglielmo: What the hell kind of question is that? They’re women.
Don Alfonso: Do they have real flesh, bones, and skin? Do they eat like us? Really, are they goddesses or women?
Ferrando and Guglielmo: THEY’RE THE BEST WOMEN IN THE WORLD
Don Alfonso: They’re women! And you think they’ll be faithful to you? HAHAHA THAT’S HILARIOUS
You see, women’s faithfulness is like the phoenix: everyone tells stories about it and insists it exists, but where? No one knows! No one’s ever seen it!
Ferrando: THE PHOENIX IS DORABELLA
Guglielmo: IT’S FIORDILIGI
Don Alfonso: Correct answer: neither of them are, because it has never existed, it doesn’t exist, and it never will exist. Your belief is just some poetic nonsense.
Guglielmo: WELL YOU’RE JUST A FOOLISH OLD MAN
Don Alfonso: Very well, then, I’ll turn your question back on you: what proof do you have that they will remain faithful to you?
Ferrando: We’ve known them for practically forever…
Guglielmo: They’re noble in every sense…
Ferrando: They’re smart and high-minded…
Guglielmo: They’re very even-tempered and not impulsive…
Ferrando: They’re selfless…
Don Alfonso: And they cry and they sigh and they faint at the slightest provocation yadda yadda yadda. Lemme chuckle a bit, would you?
Ferrando: FOR THE LAST TIME STOP MAKING FUN OF US
Don Alfonso: WAIT!
What if, within 24 hours, I was able to give you concrete proof that they would cheat on you as quickly as any other women?
Ferrando and Guglielmo: THERE’S NO WAY
Don Alfonso: Very well. If you’re so sure, then let’s make a bet on it.
Ferrando and Guglielmo: Sure, let’s bet on it.
Don Alfonso: A hundred gold pieces to each of you.
Guglielmo: Make it a thousand.
Don Alfonso: Just a hundred.
Guglielmo: Fine.
Don Alfonso: Shake on it?
Ferrando: You have our word.
*They shake on it.*
Guglielmo: What are you gonna do with your hundred gold pieces?
Ferrando: I’M GONNA HIRE A BUNCH OF PEOPLE TO SERENADE DORABELLA BECAUSE APPARENTLY DESPITE BEING IN AN OPERA I CAN’T DO IT MYSELF
Guglielmo: Well I’M GONNA THROW A HUGE PARTY AND CELEBRATE VENUS
Don Alfonso: I hate to be that person (well, not really actually), but CAN I COME???
Ferrando and Guglielmo: Of course!
Ferrando, Guglielmo, and Don Alfonso: AND WE’LL ALL TOAST TO THE GOD OF LOVE
*They leave.*
Scene 2:
The garden of Fiordiligi and Dorabella’s house by the sea. Fiordiligi and Dorabella are gazing at the portraits of their lovers, which they keep in lockets.
Fiordiligi: Look, isn’t my boyfriend the cutest?
Dorabella: Sure, whatever, but look at my boyfriend’s eyes! They can shoot ARROWS OR EVEN FLAMES
Fiordiligi: He’s a warrior...a lover...he’s the perfect guy!
Dorabella: His face is both very sweet and very threatening but I don’t find that creepy at all. It’s just...so charming.
Fiordiligi and Dorabella: HOW HAPPY WE ARE AND IF WE EVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE MAY LOVE ITSELF MAKE US SUFFER BUT IT’S NOT LIKE THAT’S EVER GONNA HAPPEN
Fiordiligi: Y’know, I’m feeling a bit fiery...a bit ticklish in my veins...which is definitely not code for me being horny, but when Guglielmo comes, who knows what I’ll do to him, if you know what I mean…
Dorabella: Ha! Something new for you, I’d suppose? In any case, I’m sure we’ll both get married soon.
Fiordiligi: Here, give me your hand. Lemme try out my palm-reading skills.
*Dorabella gives Fiordiligi her hand.*
Yeah, looks like you’re right.
Dorabella: I’d like that!
Fiordiligi: Well, I certainly wouldn’t mind getting married soon.
Dorabella: Me neither, but they were already supposed to be here by now. What’s taking them so long?
*Don Alfonso enters.*
Fiordiligi: THERE THEY ARE
Dorabella: False alarm; it’s just Don Alfonso.
Fiordiligi: greeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeat oh hi Don Alfonso how are you doing today?
Don Alfonso: Ladies, my respects.
Dorabella: Uh...are you okay??? Why are you here by yourself??? Without our boyfriends??? You’re crying??? TELL US WHAT’S HAPPENING IT OBVIOUSLY HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH OUR BOYFRIENDS BECAUSE THERE’S NOTHING ELSE THAT MATTERS HERE
Fiordiligi: YEAH WHAT HAPPENED TO MY BOYFRIEND
Don Alfonso: Well, I’d like to say something, but I’m so upset I can’t get my voice out and I’m totally not just being a skilled actor like every basso buffo worth his salt has to be anyway what ever shall we do THERE’S BEEN A HUGE CATASTROPHE AND ALL YOUR LIVES ARE OVER SO I PITY THE FOOLS— I MEAN YOU YOUNG ADORABLE LOVERS
Fiordiligi: STOP BABBLING AND TELL US WHAT ON EARTH IS GOING ON BECAUSE THE SUSPENSE IS TOO MUCH TO BEAR
Don Alfonso: My dears, arm yourself with the only weapon a good woman can have (because obviously you women are too weak for weapons), fidelity. Your lovers have been called to war.
Fiordiligi and Dorabella: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO THEY’RE LEAVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Don Alfonso: I’m pretty sure your boyfriends are too scared to see you, but they’re willing to see you if they want—
Dorabella: WHERE ARE THEY
Don Alfonso: Come on out, Ferrando and Guglielmo!
*Ferrando and Guglielmo enter dressed in traveling clothes.*
Guglielmo: I don’t know if I can do this…
Ferrando: I can’t speak…
Don Alfonso: Remember, it’s in times like these, the worst possible times, that true heroes show their strength and manliness. You’re manly men! Act like it.
Fiordiligi and Dorabella: WE ALREADY HEARD THE NEWS SO JUST GO AHEAD AND LITERALLY STAB US IN THE HEARTS BECAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY NOT AN OVERREACTION BUT WE REALLY REALLY JUST LOVE YOU GUYS
Ferrando and Guglielmo: THIS ISN’T OUR FAULT AT ALL IT’S JUST FATE
Fiordiligi and Dorabella: DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT LEAVING
Dorabella: I WILL TEAR OUT MY HEART FIRST
Fiordiligi: AND I WILL DIE AT YOUR FEET
Ferrando and Guglielmo: How do you like them apples, Alfonso?
Don Alfonso: Remember, the day is nowhere near done yet.
Everyone: FATE SUCKS HOW CAN WE LOVE LIFE WHEN THERE’S SO MUCH SUCK WHY DON’T WE ALL JUST DIE
You know, that whole exchange was great! Let’s do it again!
Fiordiligi and Dorabella: DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT LEAVING
Dorabella: I WILL TEAR OUT MY HEART FIRST
Fiordiligi: AND I WILL DIE AT YOUR FEET
Ferrando and Guglielmo: How do you like them apples, Alfonso?
Don Alfonso: Remember, the day is nowhere near done yet.
Everyone: FATE SUCKS HOW CAN WE LOVE LIFE WHEN THERE’S SO MUCH SUCK WHY DON’T WE ALL JUST DIE
Guglielmo: nonono don’t cry my love!
Ferrando: don’t despair my love everything will be okay
Don Alfonso: At least let them cry and mourn. They have every reason to.
Fiordiligi and Dorabella: WE DON’T EVEN KNOW IF WE’LL EVER SEEN YOU AGAIN
*Fiordiligi and Dorabella embrace their respective lovers.*
Fiordiligi: Leave me this sword, would you? If fate is even more cruel, I’ll need it to do some dying…
Dorabella: well I’M so full of grief that I DON’T EVEN NEED A SWORD BECAUSE MY GRIEF WILL KILL ME ON ITS OWN
Ferrando and Guglielmo: Hey, hey, stop talking about death it’ll be okay and you’ll have peace as long as we’re alive!
LOVE PROTECT OUR SISTERS AND GIVE THEIR EYES PEACE BECAUSE YEAH AND MAY THE CRUEL STARS OF FATE NEVER TOUCH THEM AND MAY WE RETURN HAPPILY TO THEM SOON
Don Alfonso: hahaha how charming this little show is hahaha
*A drum roll is heard nearby from offstage.*
Ferrando: OH NO THAT’S THE DRUM ROLL THAT TAKES US AWAY FROM YOU
Don Alfonso: Well, here’s the boat.
Fiordiligi: I’M GONNA FAINT
Dorabella: well I’M GONNA DIE
*A military march is heard; a boat full of people comes onstage.*
Boat Passengers: MILITARY LIFE IS SO BEAUTIFUL AND AWESOME BECAUSE YOU’RE ALWAYS ON THE MOVE AND YOU SEE DIFFERENT PLACES AND DO DIFFERENT THINGS AND YOU DREAM OF WINNING BECAUSE ALL YOU DO IS WIN THERE’S SO MUCH WINNING YOU’LL GET TIRED OF WINNING ANYWAY BEING IN THE MILITARY IS SO LEGIT AND THAT’S OUR COMMERCIAL ANY QUESTIONS
Don Alfonso: Welp, time for you boys to answer the call of destiny, or well, more like duty I guess.
Fiordiligi, Dorabella, Ferrando and Guglielmo: I WUV YOU SO MUCH TIME FOR THE WATERWORKS
Ferrando and Guglielmo: EMBRACE US BEFORE WE GO
Fiordiligi and Dorabella: WE’RE GONNA DIE OF GRIEF
Fiordiligi: WRITE TO ME EVERY DAY
Dorabella: well WRITE TO ME TWICE A DAY
Fiordiligi: WHY DO YOU KEEP TRYING TO ONE-UP ME
Dorabella: I’M YOUR SISTER THAT’S WHAT I DO
Guglielmo: I’LL WRITE TO YOU EVERY DAY
Ferrando: YOU CAN COUNT ON ME MY LOVE
Don Alfonso: I’ll burst if I don’t laugh at the sheer absurdity of this.
Fiordiligi and Dorabella: BE FAITHFUL TO US
Ferrando and Guglielmo: (same goes for you)
Fiordiligi, Dorabella, Ferrando, and Guglielmo: FAREWELL FAREWELL MY HEART IS BWEAKING AND I WUV YOU SO MUCH FAREWELL FAREWELL FAREWELL
Don Alfonso: Seriously, how can you not laugh at this?
Boat Passengers: TIME TO DO OUR MILITARY COMMERCIAL AGAIN
MILITARY LIFE IS SO BEAUTIFUL AND AWESOME BECAUSE YOU’RE ALWAYS ON THE MOVE AND YOU SEE DIFFERENT PLACES AND DO DIFFERENT THINGS AND YOU DREAM OF WINNING BECAUSE ALL YOU DO IS WIN THERE’S SO MUCH WINNING YOU’LL GET TIRED OF WINNING ANYWAY BEING IN THE MILITARY IS SO LEGIT AND THAT’S OUR COMMERCIAL ANY QUESTIONS
*During the above, Ferrando and Guglielmo get into the boat, which leaves.*
Dorabella: Where...where are they?
Don Alfonso: THEY LITERALLY JUST LEFT HOW DID YOU NOT SEE THAT
Dorabella: I think I was in a faint or something DON’T JUDGE ME
Don Alfonso: CHILL FOR FIVE SECONDS
Fiordiligi: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER
Don Alfonso: Take heart! Look, they’re waving to you! See?
Fiordiligi and Dorabella: Well, that makes us feel a little better…
HAVE A NICE TRIP
Fiordiligi: OMG THE BOAT IS LEAVING SO QUICKLY AND NOW I CAN’T SEE IT ANYMORE WELL I HOPE THAT HEAVEN LETS IT HAVE A GOOD VOYAGE
Dorabella: GOOD LUCK TO THEM ALL ESPECIALLY OUR BOYFRIENDS
Don Alfonso: I hope they stay safe. You know, they’re not just your boyfriends, but also my buddies.
Fiordiligi, Dorabella, and Don Alfonso: May the wind and waves be gentle and calm, and may everything go according to our wishes! **
*Fiordiligi and Dorabella leave.*
Don Alfonso: Yup, ‘basso buffo as good actor’ pays off yet again. I’ll meet my buddies at the place we agreed on. I have to do that quickly to set the plan in action as quickly as possible. All those mushy-gushy remarks and sad faces and tricks worked so well on them! They’ll fall easily—we all know women are emotionally unstable and will change at the drop of a hat or the change of an outfit. Oh, you foolish young men, gambling a hundred gold pieces for a woman…
How does that song go again? Oh yeah, it’s “how do you solve a problem like a womaaaaaaaaan? How can you catch a cloud and pin it doooooooooooown? How do you find a word that means ‘a womaaaaaaaaaan’? A flibbertigibbet, a will-o’-the-wisp, a clown? Many a thing you know you’d like to tell heeeeeeeeeeer, many a thing she ought to understaaaaaaaaand...but how do you make her stay, and listen to all you say? How do you keep a wave upon the saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand? Oh, how do you solve a problem like a womaaaaaaaaaaaaan? How can you hold a moonbeam in your haaaaaaaaaand?”
Well, the answer is you can’t. A woman will never be faithful. And I’m a philosopher dude, so obviously I’m right.
*He leaves.*
Scene 3:
A room with three doors inside Fiordiligi and Dorabella’s house. Despina is preparing a tray of hot chocolate for the sisters.
Despina: Uggggggggggggggggggggggggh I HATE being a working-class maid. All I do is work work work and in the end I get nothing. It all goes to my bosses!
For example, this stupid hot chocolate the ladies insist I make them. I’ve been beating it for half an hour and smelling that glorious chocolatey smell and it makes me just want to gulp it down but I CAN’T because all of it is for the ladies and none of it is for me! Hey, have you ever thought that we servants have mouths and hungry bellies too? If you put us in a room with hot chocolate, do we not want to drink it? Screw capitalism.
Oh shoot, they’re coming!
*Fiordiligi and Dorabella run in.*
Your precious hot chocolate, ladies.
*Dorabella starts throwing stuff onto the ground.*
Uh...what are you doing? What happened?
Fiordiligi: I NEED TO FIND A SWORD IMMEDIATELY FOR REASONS UNRELATED TO MY NEWFOUND SUICIDAL WISHES WHERE IS THERE A SWORD
Dorabella: I NEED TO FIND POISON FOR SIMILARLY UNRELATED REASONS WHERE IS THERE POISON
Despina: Oh for heaven’s sake, uh…
Dorabella: YOU SHUT UP AND CLOSE ALL THE WINDOWS BECAUSE THEY’RE LETTING IN LIGHT AND AIR AND I NOW HATE LIGHT AND AIR AND MYSELF BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT GRIEF DOES TO YOU NO ONE CAN MOCK ME BECAUSE I WILL KILL THEM OR CONSOLE ME BECAUSE I’M BENT ON KILLING MYSELF SO LEAVE ME ALONE
I FEEL SO MUCH LONGING AND I DON’T WANT IT TO GO AWAY UNTIL I DIE BECAUSE THAT’S A SIGN OF MY TRUE LOVE AND I WANT TO DIE SO IF I’M STILL ALIVE I’LL MAKE THE FURIES REGRET IT WITH MY EVERY BREATH
Despina: So? What happened?
Fiordiligi: OUR LOVERS HAVE LEFT NAPLES
Despina: They’ll be back—
Dorabella: BUT WE CAN’T KNOW THAT FOR SURE
Despina: Why not? Where are they going?
Dorabella: THEY’VE BEEN CALLED TO THE BATTLEFIELD
Despina: Oh, so theeeeeeeeeeeeeey’ll be back like befoooooooooore they will fight the fight and win the wa—
Dorabella: SHUT UP
Despina: Hey, they’ll come back with medals and glory and stuff!
Dorabella: BUT THEY COULD ALSO DIE
Despina: Even better!
Fiordiligi: Excuse you?
Despina: These two guys die, there’s still lots of other fish out there in the sea that are exactly like them. You’ll find someone else to love. They’re all worth the same...because they’re all useless.
Dorabella: HEY DON’T DISS OUR BOYFRIENDS LIKE THAT
Despina: Ha! These high-minded ideas you have are just stupid tales for children.
You really think that men, that soldiers will be faithful to you? Don’t let them hear you babble like that! All men want is to get that bow-chicka-wow-wow pleasure from you and then they’ll hate you and leave you! You know how it goes: “how do you solve a problem like a maaaaaaaaan? How can you catch a cloud and pin it doooooooooooown? How do you find a word that means ‘a maaaaaaaaaan’? A flibbertigibbet, a will-o’-the-wisp, a clown? Many a thing you know you’d like to tell hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiim, many a thing he ought to understaaaaaaaaand...but how do you make him stay, and listen to all you say? How do you keep a wave upon the saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand? Oh, how do you solve a problem like a maaaaaaaaaaaaan? How can you hold a moonbeam in your haaaaaaaaaand?”
The best solution to this is to simply do the same thing to them. Love the one you’re with! Love for your own pleasure! La la la la la la la la la la!
*They all leave. Shortly thereafter, Don Alfonso enters and has a look around.*
Don Alfonso: It’s so dark and dreary in here...I mean, the girls have every right to be completely and utterly depressed about this situation they’ve supposedly found themselves in. Now, while the two guys disguise themselves as I told them to, let’s think about this plan a little more...you know what I need to worry about? Despina. If she recognizes them, I could very well be toast. Hmm...maybe if there are any problems that arise, I can slip her a twenty or something, keep her quiet that way. Actually, it’d probably be safer to just let her know and slip her a bribe to preemptively keep her mouth shut. Good idea, me. I always have the best ideas.
Here’s her room. DESPINETTA!!!
Despina: MY NAME ISN’T DESPINETTA
Don Alfonso: IT’S MY PET NICKNAME FOR YOU DESPINETTA OPEN UP
Despina: WHO IS IT
*She opens the door and they recognize each other.*
Don Alfonso: Despina, I need you for something.
Despina: Well, I don’t need you for anything, so you can be on your merry way.
*Don Alfonso takes out a gold coin and shows it to her.*
Don Alfonso: Look, you know your mistresses’ boyfriends have been called to war.
Despina: Yeah, I know.
Don Alfonso: And you know that they haven’t taken it particularly well.
Despina: uggggggggggggggh tell me all about it
Don Alfonso: I know how to ease their pain. I have two handsome young men here, and perhaps you could introduce them...you know what I mean. You help me, and I’ll give you twenty gold coins. Deal?
Despina: Where are they?
Don Alfonso: Right outside. Can they come in?
Despina: Yes.
*Ferrando and Guglielmo come in, dressed in some of the worst disguises in the history of opera.* ***
Don Alfonso: My friends, this is my very pretty accomplice, Despinetta—
Despina: YOU KNOW THAT’S NOT MY NAME
Don Alfonso: Sheesh. Despina. All our success depends on her.
Ferrando and Guglielmo: You’re very pretty and we’re gonna kiss your hands and also please make the women we love love us.
Despina: These two look weird. Are they Wallachians or Turks? ****
Don Alfonso: Neither; they’re Albanians. Other than “weird”, how do they look?
Despina: I’m gonna say it: they’re ugly.
Ferrando, Guglielmo, and Don Alfonso: Well, she doesn’t recognize us, so we have nothing to worry about.
Fiordiligi and Dorabella: *from their rooms* HEY DESPINA
Don Alfonso: They’re probably coming. I leave this to you. I’m going to hide.
*He hides as Fiordiligi and Dorabella come out of their rooms.*
Fiordiligi and Dorabella: WHAT ARE YOU DOING THERE WITH THOSE HORRIBLE PEOPLE MAKE THEM LEAVE IMMEDIATELY OR ELSE WE’LL PUNISH ALL THREE OF YOU
*Despina, Ferrando, and Guglielmo all kneel.*
Despina, Ferrando, and Guglielmo: FORGIVE US THESE TWO GUYS JUST REALLY LOVE YOU A LOT
Fiordiligi and Dorabella: SERIOUSLY WHAT IS THIS WHO BETRAYED US LIKE THIS
Despina: Betrayal? Never heard of her.
Despina, Ferrando, and Guglielmo: CALM DOWN FOR FIVE SECONDS
Fiordiligi and Dorabella: WE CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE THINGS ARE GOING TO GET VERY UGLY VERY QUICKLY BECAUSE WE ARE VERY MUCH PO’D
Despina and Don Alfonso: Fiordiligi and Dorabella are starting to look a little sus.
Ferrando and Guglielmo: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY OUR GIRLFRIENDS ARE STILL FAITHFUL TO US
Fiordiligi and Dorabella: WE REALLY HOPE OUR BOYFRIENDS FORGIVE US BECAUSE WE’RE FAITHFUL AND WE’RE VERY PO’D ABOUT THESE STRANGE MEN IN OUR HOUSE
*Don Alfonso emerges from hiding and pretends to have just entered the house.*
Don Alfonso: WHAT’S GOING ON Y’ALL ARE BEING SUPER-LOUD DO YOU WANT TO WAKE THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD WHAT’S HAPPENING
Dorabella: THERE ARE MEN IN OUR HOUSE
Don Alfonso: I fail to see the problem. What’s the harm in that?
Fiordiligi: What harm? WHAT HARM?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! TODAY?!?!?!?!?!?!?! AFTER WHAT’S HAPPENED?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
*Don Alfonso pretends to recognize Ferrando and Guglielmo.*
Don Alfonso: What?...I can’t believe this!...You’re here in Naples!...
(Back me up here.)
Ferrando and Guglielmo: OH HEY DON ALFONSO
*The three embrace.*
Don Alfonso: What a wonderful surprise!
Despina: ...You know them?
Don Alfonso: Do I know them? They’re only my best friends in the whole world, and they’ll be yours too!
Fiordiligi: And what are they doing in OUR HOUSE?!?!?!?!?!?!
Guglielmo: We’re only guilty of love…
Dorabella: wait WHAT now
Ferrando: LOVE HAS BROUGHT US HERE TO YOU
Guglielmo: WE FELL IN LOVE WITH YOU AT FIRST SIGHT—
Ferrando: SO WE CAME ALL THE WAY HERE TO YOU TO BEG YOU FOR MERCY—
Ferrando and Guglielmo: AND TO WIN YOUR HEARTS
Fiordiligi: HOW DARE YOU
Dorabella: What should we do?
Fiordiligi: YOU TWO BASTARDS LEAVE
*Despina apparently decides that she is one of the two bastards and leaves instead.*
DON’T TALK TO US DON’T TRY TO SEDUCE US BECAUSE WE MADE PLEDGES TO OUR LOVERS AND NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS WE’LL KEEP THEM UNTIL DEATH
OUR SPIRITS ARE AS STRONG AS ROCKS ARE AGAINST WIND AND STORMS WE’RE IN LOVE AND THAT’S NOT GONNA CHANGE UNTIL WE DIE SO TAKE THE HINT BECAUSE WE’RE FAITHFUL AND DON’T TRY TO PUSH IT OR MESS WITH MY HEAD THAT IS SUPPOSED TO BE RIDICULOUSLY AND AWESOMELY BOBBING UP AND DOWN WITH ALL THE LEAPS IN THIS SCORE *****
Ferrando and Guglielmo: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO DON’T LEAVE US
(Hey, Don Alfonso, what do you think about that?)
Don Alfonso: (You two, wait.)
Ladies, please don’t make this situation even more awkward for me.
Dorabella: Like we care. What are you even expecting?
Guglielmo: LOVE US OR ELSE WE’LL DIE BECAUSE THOSE ARE THE ONLY TWO OPTIONS BECAUSE THIS IS AN OPERA
Please, don’t be shy, just look at us lovingly once, or better yet, love us! AND THEN WE’LL LOVE YOU AND MAKE YOU VERY HAPPY BECAUSE WE’RE STRONG AND HANDSOME MANLY MEN LOOK AT OUR FEET AND OUR EYES AND TOUCH OUR NOSES AND LOOK AT OUR VERY BEAUTIFUL MUSTACHES THAT WE CALL OUR PLUMES OF LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE
*Fiordiligi and Dorabella roll their eyes at this and leave; as soon as they’re gone, Ferrando and Guglielmo start laughing their heads off.*
Don Alfonso: Why are you laughing?
Ferrando and Guglielmo: THIS IS SO FUNNY
Don Alfonso: At least laugh quietly.
Ferrando and Guglielmo: YOU CAN’T MAKE US
Don Alfonso: AT LEAST LAUGH QUIETLY
Ferrando and Guglielmo: YOU CAN’T MAKE US
Don Alfonso: IF THEY HEAR YOU THEN THE JIG IS UP AND YOU’LL NEVER KNOW IF THEY’RE TRULY FAITHFUL
Ferrando and Guglielmo: BUT WE DO AND THIS IS SO FUNNY THAT OUR SIDES ARE SPLITTING
Don Alfonso: Aww, they’re so charmingly stupid, but this’ll end badly for them.
You never really answered my question: why are you laughing?
Guglielmo: WE ALREADY TOLD YOU IT’S BECAUSE THIS IS HILARIOUS AND WE HAVE EVERY REASON TO
Ferrando: How much do you want to pay to call off the bet?
Guglielmo: Make him pay half.
Ferrando: Nah, just twenty-four gold pieces.
Don Alfonso: You poor suckers, come here and let me put my finger in your mouth.
Guglielmo: That’s gross and I can’t believe you still have the courage to open your own mouth.
Don Alfonso: We’ll talk again before this evening.
Ferrando: Whenever you want, we’ll talk.
Don Alfonso: Meanwhile, until the twenty-four hours are up, obey me and do not under any circumstances spill the beans.
Guglielmo: You can count on us. We’re disciplined soldiers, remember?
Don Alfonso: Go wait for me in the garden; I’ll catch up in a bit and give you your next instructions.
Guglielmo: When are we gonna eat??? I’m huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuungryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
Ferrando: If we wait, then dinner will taste even better.
In the meantime, all we need for refreshment is a sweet loving breath from our girlfriends because nothing nourishes the heart quite like that!
*Ferrando and Guglielmo leave; Despina returns.*
Don Alfonso: How do you think this’ll turn out?
Despina: I think it’ll go right according to plan. They’ll cry while I laugh with an unhealthy amount of schadenfreude because they’re stupid enough to be faithful at the cost of their own happiness. Love should be full of fun and happiness and pleasure and once it isn’t, I say out with the man!
I’ll wait for you in my room so we can plan. If you do everything I tell you, you will all win, and I’ll have the glory.
*They leave.*
Notes
Scene 4:
The garden from Scene 2, a little while later. Fiordiligi and Dorabella are sitting in the garden and brooding.
Fiordiligi and Dorabella: Our lives changed so quickly because when our boyfriends were with us everything was great BUT NOW THEY’RE GONE AND OUR LIVES ARE THE ACTUAL WORST AND OUR LIVES ARE SEAS FILLED WITH TORMENT
Ferrando and Guglielmo: *offstage* LET’S DIE BECAUSE IT SEEMS LIKE THE GIRLS WE LOVE DON’T LOVE US BACK AND INSTEAD THEY JUST WANT US TO DIE
Don Alfonso: *also offstage* But there’s still hope—OH GOD DON’T DO IT SERIOUSLY DON’T DO IT
Fiordiligi and Dorabella: WHAT’S GOING ON
Ferrando and Guglielmo: LET US GO
Don Alfonso: NO WAIT
Ferrando and Guglielmo: LET US GO
Don Alfonso: SERIOUSLY NO WAIT
*Ferrando and Guglielmo, pursued by Don Alfonso, run onstage. The two of them are each carrying a vial filled with liquid.*
Ferrando and Guglielmo: ARSENIC WILL DELIVER US FROM THIS CRUEL SUFFERING
*They each down their vial and throw them away, then turn and see Fiordiligi and Dorabella.*
Fiordiligi and Dorabella: Wait, did they just take poison?
Don Alfonso: Yup! And in a few moments they’ll DIE
Fiordiligi and Dorabella: OUR HEARTS ARE FROZEN NOW
Ferrando and Guglielmo: COME HERE AND SEE WHAT YOU AND OUR LOVE FOR YOU HAVE CAUSED AND ALSO HAVE MERCY
Fiordiligi and Dorabella: OUR HEARTS ARE FROZEN NOW
Everyone: THE SUN IS DARK AND I’M LOSING COURAGE AND EVEN THOUGH I’M SINGING RIGHT NOW I’M GONNA SAY THAT I’M TOO TERRIFIED TO UTTER ANYTHING
*Ferrando and Guglielmo fall onto the ground.*
Don Alfonso: Since they’re literally dying, at least show them some pity!
Fiordiligi and Dorabella: SOMEONE COME HELP ANYBODY COME HERE RIGHT NOW DESPINAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Despina: *offstage* WHAT IS IT
Fiordiligi and Dorabella: DESPINAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Despina: ugggggggggggggggh
*She comes in.*
What? Welp, it looks like they’re dead or about to die. That’s a pity.
Don Alfonso: IT’S TRUE THEY POISONED THEMSELVES FOR LOVE
Despina: Well, help them!
Fiordiligi, Dorabella, and Don Alfonso: WHAT SHOULD WE DO
Despina: They’re still alive. Ladies, hold them up for a bit. Alfonso, you come with me to find a doctor and an antidote.
*They leave.*
Fiordiligi and Dorabella: THIS IS THE WORST THING EVER
Ferrando and Guglielmo: (This is the funniest thing ever!)
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH WE’RE DYING HERE
Fiordiligi and Dorabella: They’re sighing!
Fiordiligi: WHAT SHOULD WE DO
Dorabella: I DON’T KNOW WHAT DO YOU THINK WE SHOULD DO
Fiordiligi: Well, we can’t abandon them!
Dorabella: They look very interesting…
Fiordiligi: We can move closer, y’know.
Dorabella: *holding Guglielmo* His head’s cold!
Fiordiligi: *holding Ferrando* THIS ONE’S HEAD IS COLDER
Dorabella: STOP TRYING TO ONE-UP ME
Fiordiligi: YOU’VE BEEN DOING IT TO ME THIS WHOLE ACT
Dorabella: What about his pulse?
Fiordiligi: I CAN’T FEEL IT
Dorabella: Even though it’s very slow, my guy here still has a pulse.
Fiordiligi: SEE THERE YOU DID IT AGAIN
Fiordiligi and Dorabella: IF HELP DOESN’T SHOW UP SOON THEN THEY’RE DONE FOR
Ferrando and Guglielmo: (Their resistance is down a bit; maybe they will take the bait?)
Fiordiligi and Dorabella: WE’LL WEEP FOR THEIR DEATHS
*Despina, disguised as a doctor, enters with Don Alfonso.*
Don Alfonso: Here, I got a doctor.
Ferrando and Guglielmo: (It’s Despina disguised; this is horrible!)
Despina: Salvete, amabiles bones puelles. **
Ferrando and Guglielmo: He speaks a language we don’t know! He must be really smart!
Despina: What do you speak? I can speak Greek and Arabic and Turkish and Vandalic and Swabian and Tatar and— ***
Don Alfonso: Do you speak Italian?
Despina: Sono in quest’opera; tu che ne pensi, idiota? ****
Don Alfonso: Great. Save the language talk for later. These two guys took poison. What can you do to save them?
Fiordiligi and Dorabella: YEAH WHAT CAN YOU DO
*Despina feels Ferrando and Guglielmo’s foreheads and hands.*
Despina: What poison is it, why’d they take it, was it hot or cold, was it small or large, and was it in one dose or several?
Don Alfonso: To answer in order: arsenic, love, I guess whatever the temperature is out here so probably hot because we’re in Naples, medium size, and in one big gulp. I told them not to do it!
Despina: Don’t worry; I can help them.
*She takes out a magnet.*
Fiordiligi, Dorabella, and Don Alfonso: ooh he has a fancy thing what is that thing
Despina: This is Mesmer’s famous magnet from Germany that’s been all the rage in France. *****
*She touches each of their heads with the magnet and then draws it along their bodies.*
Fiordiligi, Dorabella, and Don Alfonso: They’re shaking! THEY’RE GONNA HIT THEIR HEADS ON THE GROUND THAT’S REALLY DANGEROUS ACTUALLY
Despina: Hold them up.
Fiordiligi and Dorabella: *holding the men up* Ready!
Despina: Hold on tight and have courage. They’re fine now!
Fiordiligi, Dorabella, and Don Alfonso: THEY’RE RECOVERING THIS DOCTOR IS WORTH A FORTUNE
*Ferrando and Guglielmo, still dazed, look around and embrace Fiordiligi and Dorabella, kissing their hands.*
Ferrando and Guglielmo: Where are we?...Are we on Mount Olympus?...No, but you two are here and we love you…
Despina and Don Alfonso: Don’t worry; those are just after-effects of the poison.
Fiordiligi and Dorabella: That may be true but this is making us uncomfortable and insulting our honor!
Ferrando and Guglielmo: (This is the most hilarious thing ever!)
HAVE MERCY ON US
Fiordiligi and Dorabella: WE CAN’T RESIST
Ferrando and Guglielmo: AT LEAST LOOK AT US
Despina and Don Alfonso: Don’t worry; these after-effects will go away soon!
Ferrando and Guglielmo: (This is the most hilarious thing ever!)
HAVE MERCY ON US
Fiordiligi and Dorabella: WE CAN’T RESIST
Ferrando and Guglielmo: AT LEAST LOOK AT US
Despina and Don Alfonso: Don’t worry; these after-effects will go away soon!
Ferrando and Guglielmo: GIVE US JUST ONE KISS OR ELSE WE’LL ACTUALLY DIE FOR REALSIES THIS TIME
Fiordiligi and Dorabella: excuse me you want WHAT NOW
Despina and Don Alfonso: Just be nice and do it! You’ll be mean if you don’t!
Fiordiligi and Dorabella: THIS IS TOO MUCH TO ASK OF US BECAUSE WE ARE FAITHFUL AND LOYAL SO WE ARE VERY OUTRAGED
Ferrando, Guglielmo, Despina, and Don Alfonso: (THIS IS THE MOST HILARIOUS THING EVER AND THEIR ANGER IS THE FUNNIEST PART OF THIS WHOLE THING)
Fiordiligi and Dorabella: WE DON’T CARE IF YOU’RE LOVESTRUCK OR SUICIDAL OR POISONED OR WHATEVER JUST GO TO HELL AND YOU’LL BE SORRY IF WE GET EVEN MORE UPSET WITH YOU
Ferrando and Guglielmo: (Is their anger real or fake? I don’t want to know and I kinda don’t want to know. I don’t want that almost as much as I don’t want them to actually fall for it.)
Despina and Don Alfonso: (OH THEY’RE DEFINITELY GONNA FALL FOR IT AND FALL IN LOVE)
Notes
Act II:
Scene 1:
A little while after the end of Act I, in a room in Fiordiligi and Dorabella’s house. The sisters are talking with Despina.
Despina: ...You two are weird.
Fiordiligi: BUT WHATEVER SHALL WE DOOOOOOO
Despina: Whatever you want! You are human, right?
Look, even fifteen-year-old girls need to know what’s what, what’s good and bad. She needs to know how to flirt, charm them, fake-cry and sigh and whatever. She needs to pay attention to a hundred men at once but not in an “I’m afraid they’re stalking me so I need to be on guard” way and she needs to talk to every man with her eyes and lead them on, and she needs to know how to hide and how to lie and how to make people obey her like a QUEEN!
(I think they like this idea.)
LONG LIVE DESPINAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
*She leaves.*
Fiordiligi: Well, sis, what do you think?
Dorabella: She’s certainly a devilish one.
Fiordiligi: She’s INSANE! Should we take her advice? What about being faithful?
Dorabella: Our hearts will remain faithful. What’s wrong with enjoying ourselves a little instead of moping around? So: which of those little Narcissuses do you want? **
Fiordiligi: Well, which one do you want?
Dorabella: I’ve made up my mind. I’ll take the one with the brown hair; I think he’s the clever one.
Fiordiligi: I want to laugh and joke and have fun with the blond one.
Dorabella: I’ll joke around with my guy too!
Fiordiligi: I’ll imitate my guy’s sighs with my own!
Dorabella: He’ll say, “I’M DYING, MY LOVE”
Fiordiligi: He’ll call me his lovely treasure!
Fiordiligi and Dorabella: And I’ll be so amused and delighted!
Wait, hold on, let’s check to make sure we’re on the same page.
Dorabella: I’ll take the one with the brown hair; I think he’s the clever one.
Fiordiligi: I want to laugh and joke and have fun with the blond one.
*Don Alfonso enters.*
Don Alfonso: HEY COME TO THE GARDEN RIGHT NOW THERE’S SO MUCH FUN AND MUSIC AND MAGIC THERE IT’S LIKE AN AMUSEMENT PARK OR CONEY ISLAND OR SOMETHING ***
Dorabella: Ugh, what are you going on about?
Don Alfonso: You’ll see. Come with me!
*They leave.*
Scene 2:
Back at the garden. Ferrando and Guglielmo are in a boat with musicians; Fiordiligi, Dorabella, Despina, and Don Alfonso are in the garden.
Ferrando and Guglielmo: HEY BREEZES HELP US CARRY OUR SIGHS AND WOES TO OUR BELOVEDS BECAUSE THEY CAN TOTALLY DO THAT
Chorus: YEAH WHAT THEY SAID WE’RE JUST HERE FOR THE BACKUP FUN AND HOPEFULLY SOME SWEET SWEET CASH
*Ferrando and Guglielmo get flowers and come into the garden; Despina and Don Alfonso lead them to Fiordiligi and Dorabella, who are dumbstruck.*
Fiordiligi and Dorabella: What...what is this?
Despina: What? Cat got your tongue?
*The boat moves off.*
Ferrando: I’m shaking all over!
Guglielmo: I can’t move!
Don Alfonso: Be good girls; lead them on!
Fiordiligi: You two, speak!
Dorabella: Whatever you want.
Ferrando: Madame...
Guglielmo: Mesdames, really…
Ferrando: You talk.
Guglielmo: No, you talk.
*Don Alfonso takes Dorabella by the hand, and Despina does the same with Fiordiligi.*
Don Alfonso: ugh FINE if both of you insist on acting like nervous teenage girls then I’ll talk for you.
These trembling slaves want to ask your forgiveness for offending you but they only did it for a moment and now they feel bad and are silent…
Ferrando and Guglielmo: YEAH THEY’RE SILENT
Don Alfonso: Well, not anymore, but now they’ll leave you in peace.
Ferrando and Guglielmo: YEAH IN PEACE
Don Alfonso: YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE MY BACKUP SINGERS anyway they can’t have what they want but they’ll want what they can have
Ferrando and Guglielmo: YEAH THEY CAN’T HAVE WHAT THEY WANT BUT THEY’LL WANT WHAT THEY CAN HAVE
Don Alfonso: You’re just looking at us and laughing. At least answer!
Despina: Since we apparently have to do all the talking around here even though we’re like the third set of leads or whatever, I’ll answer for the girls.
Let’s leave the past in the past and break the bonds that chain us; give us your arms and let’s just enjoy life!
Despina and Don Alfonso: (Okay, let’s leave and see how this plays out; if the girls don’t fall for it now, they deserve all the respect in the world.)
*They leave. Guglielmo and Dorabella take each other’s arms and start walking; Fiordiligi and Ferrando start walking together, but neither takes the other’s arm.*
Fiordiligi: OH WHAT A BEAUTIFUL MOOOOOOOORNIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN’ OH WHAT A BEAUTIFUL DAAAAAAAAAAAAY
Ferrando: It’s a little warm, though, don’t you think?
Dorabella: Look at the trees!
Guglielmo: They’re very pretty indeed; they have more leaves than fruit!
Dorabella: ...well, duh.
Fiordiligi: The paths are pretty. You wanna go on a walk?
Ferrando: Anything for you, my love!
Fiordiligi: You’re too kind!
Ferrando: Guglielmo, here it comes!
Fiordiligi: What’d you say to him?
Ferrando: Uh…just told him to give her a good time.
*They stroll off together.*
Dorabella: Let’s stroll too!
Guglielmo: Sure. Wait, no!
Dorabella: What’s the matter?
Guglielmo: I feel so sick, like I’m gonna die!
Dorabella: (I’m not gonna fall for that.) That must just be the after-effects of the poison.
Guglielmo: (Is she joking or does she mean it?) Here, take this gift.
Dorabella: A little cut-out heart?
Guglielmo: Do you accept it?
Dorabella: Yes.
Guglielmo: (Oh, poor Ferrando!) YAAAAAAAAAAAAAY
I’ve given you my heart; now I want you to give me yours.
Dorabella: I’ll take yours but I won’t give you mine; I can’t because I don’t have it anymore!
Guglielmo: So what’s beating in your chest?
Dorabella: I could ask the very same about you.
Guglielmo: So what’s beating in your chest?
Dorabella: I could ask the very same about you.
Dorabella and Guglielmo: It’s my heart that went to you!
Guglielmo: *trying to put the heart in Dorabella’s locket to replace the portrait of Ferrando* Lemme put it here.
Dorabella: No, not there!
Guglielmo: I understand, you sly dog, and I’m okay with that wink wink.
*He gently turns her face away so she can’t see and swaps in the heart, removing the portrait.*
Dorabella: What are you doing?
Guglielmo: Don’t look now.
Dorabella: I have a bad feeling, like a volcano is about to explode…
Guglielmo: (Oh poor Ferrando, I can’t believe this is happening!) Now look.
Dorabella: At what?
Guglielmo: Just look! Could things be going any better?
Dorabella and Guglielmo: WE’VE GIVEN OUR HEARTS TO EACH OTHER THIS IS A HAPPY DAY AND WE FEEL SO DELIGHTFUL
*They go off together, arm in arm. Ferrando chases Fiordiligi onstage.*
Ferrando: WHY ARE YOU RUNNING AWAY FROM ME
Fiordiligi: I SAW AN ASP AND A HYDRA AND A BASILISK ****
Ferrando: I SEE YOU THINK ALL THOSE AWFUL CREATURES ARE ME DON’T YOU
Fiordiligi: YOU’RE RIGHT BECAUSE YOU JUST WANT TO MAKE IT SO I CAN’T HAVE ANY PEACE
Ferrando: I JUST WANNA MAKE YOU HAPPY
Fiordiligi: WELL YOU’RE VERY OBVIOUSLY NOT DOING THAT SO JUST STOP IT AND LEAVE ME ALONE
Ferrando: JUST LOOK AT ME WITH LOVE FOR ONE SECOND
Fiordiligi: LEAVE NOW
Ferrando: I’M NOT GONNA AS LONG AS YOU TREAT ME LIKE THIS EVEN THOUGH YOU’RE SIGHING
YOU CAN’T RESIST ME AT THE VERY LEAST YOU FEEL SYMPATHY FOR ME AND IT GIVES ME HOPE BECAUSE YOU’RE YIELDING BUT YOU SHUN ME SO GUESS I’LL DIE
*He leaves.*
Fiordiligi: HE’S LEAVING...wait!...no, let him go. He’s caused me too much trouble. THIS IS WHAT I GET FOR ENTERTAINING A NEW LOVER AND I DESERVE IT ONE HUNDRED PERCENT AND I’M RIGHT TO CONDEMN MYSELF AND I BURN WITH RAGE AND SUFFERING AND REMORSE AND REPENTANCE AND BETRAYAL AND A BUNCH OF OTHER STUFF BUT IT DEFINITELY IS NOT LOVE
My love, forgive me for straying! I still love you and I will always hide these strange new feelings! I will end this with my courage and fidelity and erase the memory of this stranger! Forgive me! I failed you and you deserve better! Forgive me!
*She leaves. Ferrando and Guglielmo enter.*
Ferrando: WE WON
Guglielmo: A double or a triple?
Ferrando: A QUINTUPLE BECAUSE FIORDILIGI DIDN’T FALL FOR IT
Guglielmo: Really?
Ferrando: OH YEAH SHE SCORNED ME AND FLED WHICH SHOWS HOW FAITHFUL AND AWESOME SHE IS
Guglielmo: THAT’S AWESOME GOOD FOR ALL OF US ESPECIALLY MY LOVELY LITTLE PENELOPE LEMME HUG YOU MY DEAR MERCURY *****
Ferrando: And what about Dorabella? Wait, actually don’t answer that. I know she would never betray me.
Guglielmo: Right! As a matter of fact, she gave me this!
*He shows Ferrando the portrait.*
Ferrando: GOD FUCKING DAMMIT THE LITTLE CHEATING BASTARD
*He turns to go.*
Guglielmo: WAIT WHERE ARE YOU GOING
Ferrando: IMMA TEAR HER HEART OUT AND GET REVENGE
Guglielmo: STOP
Ferrando: LET ME GO
Guglielmo: DO YOU REALLY WANT TO RUIN YOURSELF BECAUSE OF A WOMAN WHO ISN’T EVEN WORTH TWO CENTS
(I don’t want him being a Standard Foolish Tenor even though he just got played like one!)
Ferrando: AFTER EVERYTHING WE’VE BEEN THROUGH TOGETHER HOW COULD SHE CHEAT ON ME SO QUICKLY
Guglielmo: I don’t know, buddy. I really don’t know.
Ferrando: WHAT SHOULD I DO NOW HELP ME OUT HERE
Guglielmo: I’m afraid there’s no instruction manual for this.
Ferrando: AFTER JUST A FEW HOURS IT WASN’T EVEN A DAY
Guglielmo: I’m as shocked as you!
I can’t help but watch you women cheat and start to sympathize with their Jealous Boyfriends™. I love women, you know that, everyone knows that, I show that every day, but all this sleeping around you women do really messes with my vibe ngl. I’ve fought a thousand duels to defend you and defended you with my words only for you all to sleep around and ruin my vibe! You have so many natural treasures but you ruin them with all your sleeping around and you totally justify all these Jealous Boyfriends™.
*He leaves.*
Ferrando: I’M SO CONFUSED AND CONFLICTED THIS IS SO WEIRD THAT LITERALLY NO ONE KNOWS WHAT TO DO NOW ALFONSO’S GONNA MOCK ME FOR MY STUPIDITY BUT I’LL AVENGE MYSELF wait but can I forget her?
I’VE BEEN BETRAYED BUT I STILL ADORE HER AND LOVE SPEAKS ON HER BEHALF FOR SOME WEIRD REASON
*Don Alfonso enters and listens.*
I’VE BEEN BETRAYED BUT I STILL ADORE HER AND LOVE SPEAKS ON HER BEHALF FOR SOME WEIRD REASON
Don Alfonso: Bravo!!!
Ferrando: GO AWAY THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT
Don Alfonso: Calm down; I can take care of this. Fiordiligi is still faithful to Guglielmo but Dorabella has betrayed you.
Ferrando: I KNOW THAT AND I AM ASHAMED
*Guglielmo comes in.*
Guglielmo: But do you really think someone would betray someone like me? In all honesty, I think I’m worth a little more than you.
Don Alfonso: I have to agree.
Guglielmo: Give me fifty gold coins.
Don Alfonso: Very well, but first, we still have more in store.
Guglielmo: What?
Don Alfonso: The twenty-four hours are still not up. You swore to do what I told you to for all that time. There still may be more twists. Remember this old saying I came up with: don’t count your chickens before they hatch.
*They leave.*
Notes
Scene 3:
A room with a table in the sisters’ house; Dorabella and Despina are talking.
Despina: Now I see behind that facade of yours: you’re as worldly as they come!
Dorabella: I tried to resist, but he’s just so eloquent and well-mannered and no one could resist that even if they were made of stone—
*Fiordiligi storms in.*
Fiordiligi: THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT
Despina: What happened?
Dorabella: Do you have some strange illness?
Fiordiligi: I HAVE A CASE OF THE DEVIL AND MAY HE TAKE ALL THE PRINCIPALS IN THIS OPERA AND EVERYONE IN THE WORLD
Dorabella: Have you lost your MIND?!?!?!?!
Fiordiligi: IT’S WORSE THAN THAT I’M IN LOVE AND NOT ONLY WITH GUGLIELMO
Despina: That’s great news! Maybe you could be a little smarter than every Jealous Opera Character and do some polyamory!
Dorabella: So you like the blond one?
Fiordiligi: UNFORTUNATELY I GUESS SO
Despina: Good for you!
Dorabella: You have the blond one, I have the dark-haired one, and we’re both brides!
Fiordiligi: I can get over this.
Despina: No, you can’t.
Fiordiligi: Watch me.
Dorabella: Trust me; it’s better to just give in.
Love is a sneaky little bastard, a little thief or a serpent. It messes with us and makes us feel happy sometimes and horrible other times. If you give in, it’ll be nice, but if you try to fight it very bad things will happen. If you feel love, do what it asks of you. That’s what I’m gonna do and I suggest you do that too.
*Dorabella and Despina leave.*
Fiordiligi: EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE IS TRYING TO GET ME TO CHEAT BUT I WON’T I DON’T WANT TO SEE THAT GUY
*Guglielmo is listening outside the door with Ferrando and Don Alfonso.*
Guglielmo: You hear that? My Artemis is still good! **
Fiordiligi: But...wait! I have an idea! We still have some of our lovers’ uniforms here because...well, you know, wink wink...so we must be bold! DESPINA!
*Despina enters.*
Despina: WHAT IS IT
Fiordiligi: Take this key and don’t say anything to anyone. Go fetch two uniforms with hats and swords from the closet.
*Despina leaves with the key.*
I can fit in Ferrando’s clothes and Dorabella can fit in Guglielmo’s, and we can join our lovers and fight with them and even DIE WITH THEM!!!
*She takes off her hat.*
Go to the devil. I hate you, you stupid hat.
Guglielmo: See? She’s really in love with me!
*Despina brings back the outfits, puts them on the tables, and leaves.*
Fiordiligi: Yeah, hat, I’m not gonna put you back on until I’m with my lover again. I’ll put this soldier hat on and it’ll make me almost unrecognizable because that’s how hats work!
*She puts on one of the soldier hats.*
I can hardly recognize myself! In just a few moments I’ll be with my love and he’ll be so happy to see me again!
*Ferrando enters.*
Ferrando: AND I’LL DIE OF GRIEF WHEN THAT HAPPENS
Fiordiligi: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE I’VE BEEN BETRAYED GET OUT
*Ferrando takes a sword from the table.*
Ferrando: YOU WILL TAKE THIS SWORD AND STAB ME IN THE HEART WITH IT AND IF YOU CAN’T THEN I’LL HELP YOU DO IT
Fiordiligi: I’M TORMENTED ENOUGH WITHOUT YOU SO SHUT UP
Ferrando: She’s starting to give in…
Fiordiligi: I’m starting to give in…
Get up!
Ferrando: YOU THINK I’LL DO THAT AND YOU’RE WRONG
Fiordiligi: FOR MERCY’S SAKE WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME
Ferrando: For you to either love me or murder me.
Fiordiligi: I CAN’T HOLD OUT ANYMORE
Ferrando: C’MON GIVE IN MY LOVE
Fiordiligi: OH GOD WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO
Ferrando: Look at me, have mercy! If you want, I can be your husband, your lover, and so much more. Give in.
Fiordiligi: Very well; you may be cruel, but you’ve won. Do with me what you will.
*Don Alfonso has to physically restrain Guglielmo from bursting in.*
Fiordiligi and Ferrando: LET’S EMBRACE AND DROWN OUR SORROWS IN LOVE AND PLEASURE THAT’S AN AMAZING IDEA
*They leave together. Guglielmo and Don Alfonso enter.*
Guglielmo: WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Don Alfonso: FOR PETE’S SAKE SHUT UP
Guglielmo: I’LL TEAR OUT MY BEARD AND BANG MY CUCKOLD HORNS ON SOMETHING I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT MY FAITHFUL FIORDILIGI WOULD BE SUCH A SLUT AND A MURDERER AND A THIEF AND EVERY OTHER NOT-NICE NAME IN THE BOOK ***
Don Alfonso: You know what? You just need a moment to vent.
*Ferrando enters.*
Ferrando: Well?
Guglielmo: WHERE IS SHE
Ferrando: Who? Your Fiordiligi?
Guglielmo: THE LITTLE FIOR-DE-DEVIL MAY HE STRANGLE BOTH OF US
Ferrando: See? Now I’m the one who’s worth a little more.
Guglielmo: STOP IT
Now how do we punish them?
Don Alfonso: Marry them as they are. You thought Nature could make two faithful women just for you, but that’s not how this works. Now listen to this and learn: you’ll be very happy if you do.
Everyone accuses women of being unfaithful and I can excuse them for it—some say it’s vice, others say it’s just habit, and I say it’s necessary for women to live that they sleep around. If a lover is disappointed by this, that’s his own fault. Young, old, pretty, ugly, say it with me: thus do all women.
Ferrando, Guglielmo, and Don Alfonso: Thus do all women.
*Despina enters.*
Despina: Victory! They’ve agreed to marry you. Are you happy?
Ferrando, Guglielmo, and Don Alfonso: Very much so.
Despina: When Despina joins in on a plan, it always works.
*They all leave.*
Scene 4:
Evening. A large, well-decorated room in the sisters’ house with a table set for four. Despina and other servants are running around preparing everything for the double wedding.
Despina: HURRY UP EVERYONE MAKE SURE IT LOOKS GOOD THE MARRIAGES HAVE ALREADY BEEN ARRANGED AND WE DON’T HAVE MUCH TIME AND MUSICIANS TO YOUR PLACES
Servants: YEAH LET’S DO WHAT SHE SAID
*Don Alfonso comes in.*
Don Alfonso: BRAVI! This looks WONDERFUL! The men will pay you well. The two happy couples are coming now. Sing happy songs for them!
Despina and Don Alfonso: (This is the best comedy OF ALL TIME!!!)
*They leave through different doors. Fiordiligi, Dorabella, Ferrando, and Guglielmo enter.*
Chorus: BLESS THE HAPPY COUPLES MAY THEY BE HAPPY FOREVER AND MAY THEY MATE LIKE BIRDS AND HAVE BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN
Fiordiligi, Dorabella, Ferrando, and Guglielmo: THERE’S SUCH A PROMISE OF LOVE AND JOY IN THE AIR BECAUSE OUR BELOVED DESPINETTA GOT ALL THIS TOGETHER SING THAT HAPPY SONG FOR US AGAIN EVERYONE
Chorus: BLESS THE HAPPY COUPLES MAY THEY BE HAPPY FOREVER AND MAY THEY MATE LIKE BIRDS AND HAVE BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN
*Except for four servants, the chorus leaves.*
Ferrando and Guglielmo: EVERYTHING IS GREAT AND IT’S ALL RESPONDING TO OUR LOVE
Fiordiligi and Dorabella: WE’RE GETTING HAPPIER BY THE SECOND
Ferrando and Guglielmo: You’re so beautiful!
Fiordiligi and Dorabella: You’re so handsome!
Ferrando and Guglielmo: You have such pretty eyes!
Fiordiligi and Dorabella: You have such a handsome mouth!
Fiordiligi, Dorabella, Ferrando, and Guglielmo: LET’S TOAST AND DRINK AND TOAST TO THIS NEW LIFE
Fiordiligi, Dorabella, and Ferrando: AND LET’S DROWN ALL OUR CARES AND FORGET THE PAST IN THESE GLASSES
Guglielmo: (These horrible people need to drink poison.)
*Don Alfonso enters.*
Don Alfonso: THE NOTARY IS OUTSIDE WITH THE MARRIAGE CONTRACT
Fiordiligi, Dorabella, Ferrando, and Guglielmo: LET HIM IN
Don Alfonso: Here he is!
*Despina enters, disguised as a notary.*
Despina: Hello, this is Beccavivi, the very dignified notary. He will read out the contract with all the rules first while coughing and then while sitting down.
Fiordiligi, Dorabella, Ferrando, Guglielmo, and Don Alfonso: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY FOR MARRIAGE CONTRACTS AND REFERRING TO YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON
Despina: According to this contract, Fiordiligi will marry Sempronio and Dorabella will marry Tizio. The women are sisters from Ferrara; the men are Albanian noblemen, and as dowry and counter-dowry…
Fiordiligi, Dorabella, Ferrando, and Guglielmo: YEAH YEAH WE KNOW LET’S GET ON WITH IT WE TRUST YOU HAND IT OVER
Despina and Don Alfonso: Bravo! Really!
*Don Alfonso has the contract in his hand when a drum can be heard offstage.*
Boat Passengers: REMEMBER US WE’RE GONNA DO OUR COMMERCIAL AGAIN HERE GOES
MILITARY LIFE IS SO BEAUTIFUL AND AWESOME BECAUSE YOU’RE ALWAYS ON THE MOVE AND YOU SEE DIFFERENT PLACES AND DO DIFFERENT THINGS
Fiordiligi, Dorabella, Despina, Ferrando, and Guglielmo: wait WHAT’S THAT
Don Alfonso: I’ll go look.
*He goes to the window.*
OH GOD IT’S HORRIBLE I’M TREMBLING AND FREEZING IT’S YOUR BOYFRIENDS
Fiordiligi and Dorabella: our WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Don Alfonso: THEY’RE BACK AND THEY’RE ALREADY LANDING ONSHORE
Fiordiligi, Dorabella, Ferrando, and Guglielmo: WHAT IS GOING ON WHAT SHOULD WE DO
Fiordiligi and Dorabella: Leave as quickly as you can!
Despina and Don Alfonso: But what if they see them?
Ferrando and Guglielmo: But what if they see us?
Fiordiligi and Dorabella: Leave as quickly as you can!
Despina and Don Alfonso: But what if they see them?
Ferrando and Guglielmo: But what if they see us?
Fiordiligi and Dorabella: FOR HEAVEN’S SAKE HIDE IN THERE
*Don Alfonso takes Despina into one room. Fiordiligi and Dorabella take Ferrando and Guglielmo into another room. Ferrando and Guglielmo slip out and leave.*
GOD HELP US
Don Alfonso: It’ll be okay.
Fiordiligi and Dorabella: GOD HELP US
Don Alfonso: CALM DOWN
Fiordiligi and Dorabella: WHO WILL SAVE US FROM THIS
Don Alfonso: TRUST ME EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE
Fiordiligi and Dorabella: IF THEY FIND OUT ABOUT THIS WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO US
*Ferrando and Guglielmo, no longer disguised, reenter.*
Ferrando and Guglielmo: WE’RE SAFE AND WE RETURN TO OUR FAITHFUL LOVERS IN ORDER TO REWARD THEIR FAITHFULNESS FAITHFULNESS FAITHFULNESS
Fiordiligi and Dorabella: OMG HOW THIS IS AMAZING BUT HOW ARE YOU HERE IT HASN’T EVEN BEEN TWENTY-FOUR HOURS SINCE YOU LEFT
Ferrando and Guglielmo: The King changed his mind and made an order so we’re back with you, our loves!
Guglielmo: Why aren’t you saying anything?
Ferrando: Why are you sad?
Don Alfonso: They’re so confused that they can’t speak!
Fiordiligi and Dorabella: I CAN’T TALK AND IT’LL BE A MIRACLE IF I DON’T DIE RIGHT NOW
Guglielmo: Let us put our trunk in this room.
*The servants bring in a trunk. Guglielmo helps them bring it into the room where Despina is hiding.*
WHY IS THERE A NOTARY HIDING IN HERE WHAT IS HE DOING HERE
Despina: IT’S JUST DESPINA IN DISGUISE I WAS JUST AT A COSTUME PARTY
Ferrando and Guglielmo: (Who else is as sly as her?)
Despina: (Who else is as sly as me?)
Fiordiligi and Dorabella: DESPINA?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! WHAT IS GOING ON HERE
*Don Alfonso drops the contract, which the women have signed.*
Don Alfonso: (Guys, I dropped the papers. Pick them up. Make a show of it.)
*Ferrando picks up the contract.*
Ferrando: What’s this?
Guglielmo: IT’S A MARRIAGE CONTRACT
Ferrando and Guglielmo: YOU SIGNED IT YOU’VE BETRAYED US YOU CAN’T HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDE YOUR LYIN’ EYEEEEEEEEEEEEEES
OH LET’S REVEAL THE WHOLE THING AND THEN THERE WILL BE BLOOD
*They start to go into the room with their disguises but the women stop them.*
Fiordiligi and Dorabella: WE’RE WORTHY OF DEATH SO PLEASE JUST KILL US BECAUSE WE DON’T DESERVE MERCY
Ferrando and Guglielmo: WHAT EVEN HAPPENED
Fiordiligi: ASK DON ALFONSO AND DESPINA
Don Alfonso: It’s all too true. The proof is in that room.
*He points to the room with the disguises; Ferrando and Guglielmo go in.*
Fiordiligi and Dorabella: I’M SO AFRAID WHY’D HE RAT US OUT LIKE THAT
*Ferrando and Guglielmo come out, wearing most of the pieces of their disguises.*
Ferrando: Lovely Fiordiligi, here is your Knight of Albania!
Guglielmo: My Dorabella, here is your portrait back!
Ferrando and Guglielmo: And a huge thank you to our magnetic doctor!
Fiordiligi, Dorabella, and Despina: wait WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Ferrando, Guglielmo, and Don Alfonso: THEY ARE SHOOK
Fiordiligi, Dorabella, and Despina: I CAN’T BEAR THIS
Ferrando, Guglielmo, and Don Alfonso: THEY’RE GOING INSANE
Fiordiligi and Dorabella: *pointing to Don Alfonso* HE DECEIVED US BECAUSE HE’S AN ASSHOLE
Don Alfonso: Okay, yeah, I deceived you, but now your lovers are wiser, so that’s fine. All of you, be married! Let’s not talk about what just happened; just laugh like I have been since the beginning of this fine experiment.
Fiordiligi and Dorabella: If this is true, I’ll adore you forever, my love!
Ferrando and Guglielmo: I believe you; let’s not test that out.
Despina: THIS IS SO CONFUSING I’M SO ASHAMED BUT AT LEAST WE CAN CONTINUE LIVING AND HOPEFULLY WE CAN ALL BE HAPPY
Everyone: The moral of the story is that people should all take everything for the best and live by reason (even though no one ever does that in an opera)! The things that can make others weep make them laugh and in the middle of the craziness of this crazy little thing called life, they will find peace!
(And no, this totally isn’t tacked on!) ****
Notes
THE END
Up Next: Roméo et Juliette, by Charles François Gounod
Okay but at some point between Lettenhove and Oxenfurt (so, at 16 or so), the young Julian Pankratz was sent as page to the Count and Countess (aka Rosina) Almaviva, where he proceeded to fall in love with all the women (and one or two of the men) around him, especially the Countess, her maid Susanna, Susanna’s fiance Figaro, and the gardener’s daughter Barbarina.
He sang. A lot. Especially the first song he was seriously proud of, about how love was VERY CONFUSING AND OMG HE COULD NOT COPE. This never really ceased to be the case.
Eventually things got too hot for him, and the Countess paid for him to go to Oxenfurt, and he changed his name to Jaskier, and the rest is history.
The Countess Almaviva had another nickname for him. Cherubino.
Decades later, the Dowager Countess Rosina Almaviva is a still-stunning widow, living with Susanna and Figaro. And Jaskier is still friends with all three of them, visits and sings with/to them some winters. Rosina’s the only fellow aristocrat he has any time for at all.
When Jaskier finally brings Geralt with him to visit them, and it’s obvious that their Cherubino and his Witcher are finally together, Figaro quietly hands over a pile of coins to each of Susanna and Rosina. And then he grins just as hard as they do.
Today is Simon’s day and I think that’s beautiful