you found me first - k.dy
based on this request!! it has been a long time coming. i apologize for the wait 😭
wc : 12.6k (sorry) , pairing : first love!jaehee x first love!yn (fem) , genre : fluff, angst, smut.. full circle wholesome ending <3 (MDNI!!!) , warnings : first relationship, INSECURITY, communication issues, name calling (daeng, baby), ANGST!, mutual virginity loss, fingering, raw sex (don't do that), lots of kissing, yn has some issues to work out but they're pretty cute in the end
synopsis! for years, yn believed she was the kind of person people forgot. but through every twist of fate that brings them back together, jaehee keeps choosing her. as their long-awaited love story finally begins, yn must learn that being seen can be just as frightening as being invisible.
author's note! hi guys. jaehee debut happening.. for a total of probably 10 people because it seems like no one else biases him :( i really enjoyed writing this so i hope you guys will read it even if you don't bias jaehee 😭 i've literally been working on this for MONTHS like i think i started in october 😭 but yeah probably one of my more wholesome couples :3 thank u for reading to the end if u do. leave comments / asks and lmk how it is :)
jaehee was everything you weren’t.
some people move through the world as if it opens for them naturally. doors unlock before they reach them. conversations bend easily in their direction. even silence seems to welcome them. jaehee had always been one of those people.
in middle school, teachers adored him in the quiet, unmistakable way adults sometimes adore children who remind them that goodness can exist without effort. he stayed after class to help stack textbooks into neat piles while everyone else rushed toward the freedom of the afternoon. he carried attendance sheets to the office with both hands like it was something important. teachers trusted him with keys, errands, responsibilities that made his face brighten with shy pride.
you used to watch him from your desk near the window.
sunlight always seemed to find him somehow.
it caught in his hair when he laughed. rested against the curve of his cheek while he listened to someone speak. even then, before you knew what love was supposed to feel like, you thought there was something unfair about the way the world looked around him. softer somehow. kinder.
he was good at talking to people. good at existing around them. people leaned toward him naturally, as if drawn by warmth.
high school only sharpened that quality.
by sophomore year, everyone knew his name. upperclassmen called out to him in hallways crowded with bodies and noise. girls lingered near his desk before class started, pretending to ask him questions they already knew the answers to. teachers smiled when he walked into classrooms. even people who barely knew him spoke about him with familiarity, like he belonged to them a little.
you wondered sometimes what it must feel like to be loved so easily, because you were the opposite.
by sixteen, you had already perfected the art of disappearing.
you sat near the backs of classrooms, near windows, near exits. places where no one’s eyes landed for very long. entire school days passed without your voice surfacing once. sometimes teachers paused when handing your assignments back, a flicker of uncertainty crossing their faces while they tried to remember your name.
you understood your place in people’s lives with painful clarity. you were temporary and forgettable, the sort of person who could leave a room without disturbing the air.
and then there was jaehee.
every morning, without fail, he greeted you.
sometimes it was nothing more than a soft “good morning” as he slid into the desk beside yours. sometimes he smiled at you like he hadn’t seen you in years instead of yesterday afternoon. sometimes he tapped twice against your desk with his knuckles just to get your attention before asking whether you slept enough the night before.
small things that another person might not have remembered them an hour later, but no one had ever made an effort to notice you before. those moments stayed inside you for days.
you began looking for him instinctively. in crowded hallways, across classrooms, through cafeteria windows blurred with afternoon sunlight. when he was absent, something strange settled over your day, a quiet disappointment you hated yourself for feeling so deeply.
jaehee smiled at everyone, but it always felt different when the smile was for you. it was warmer, shyer, somehow.
you noticed it before anything else.
jaehee was effortless around other people. funny, confident, endlessly easy to love. but around you, he faltered in ways so small no one else would have seen them. he held your gaze a second too long before suddenly looking away. his ears turned pink whenever your fingers brushed while exchanging pencils. sometimes he forgot what he was saying halfway through a sentence when you smiled at him unexpectedly.
you noticed everything about him. the way he laughed more softly around you. the way he always chose the seat beside yours even when better ones were open. the way he remembered things you mentioned once months ago, small details even you had forgotten you told him.
once, during math class, he folded a page of notebook paper into a tiny star and slid it onto your desk without looking at you. you kept it inside your pencil pouch for two years.
sometimes, late at night, lying awake beneath the blue glow of your ceiling light, you wondered if he understood what he was doing to you. if he knew that every act of kindness from him lodged itself somewhere deep inside your ribs and stayed there. no one else looked at you the way jaehee did.
the night beneath the stars belonged to the two of you long before either of you admitted it aloud.
no one knew about the field behind the school where the grass bent gently beneath the wind. about the way the sky looked endless above you both while the town slept quietly in the distance. about how jaehee grew quieter after midnight, his voice softer, more careful, like honesty had begun settling into him slowly.
you remember turning toward him once and realizing he was already looking at you. not at the stars, but at you.
his expression changed the second your eyes met. something vulnerable flickered across his face so quickly it almost hurt to witness. then he blushed.
jaehee, who could speak to anyone without hesitation. jaehee, who walked through crowded hallways like he belonged there completely. jaehee, who girls fell in love with without trying. he looked at you like you were the one capable of undoing him.
you thought about that look for months afterward.
you and jaehee graduated high school carrying your secret carefully between you like something fragile.
no one knew how much he adored you, or the paper stars hidden inside your belongings. about the notes he passed during class just to make you smile. about the silence that fell over him whenever you touched him unexpectedly. about the way he once walked you home without saying more than three sentences because you had grabbed his hand first and he was too nervous to think clearly afterward.
no one knew the boy everyone loved looked at you like you were something precious.
maybe the saddest thing was that neither of you said anything about it.
after the graduation ceremony ended, people flooded the field in waves of noise and laughter. parents carried flowers. cameras flashed endlessly beneath the summer heat. you stood there feeling strangely detached from all of it until you saw jaehee searching through the crowd.
the moment he found you, his entire face lit up. you felt it somewhere deep in your chest, like sunlight breaking through clouds after days of rain. you think part of you understood then that you would spend the rest of your life looking for him too.
neither of you expected to end up at the same university, but somehow, impossibly, you did.
college changed you in quiet ways. for the first time in your life, people learned your name quickly. girls on your dorm floor knocked on your door just to ask if you wanted to get food with them. you almost never ate alone anymore. you laughed more easily. you stopped shrinking yourself quite so much. you were happy.
still, every beautiful thing eventually led your thoughts back to jaehee.
sometimes you caught yourself smiling during conversations only to remember the first time he had seen you smile properly in high school. the way his expression froze for half a second. the blush spreading slowly across his cheeks afterward.
“you should smile more,” he had murmured back then, almost embarrassed by his own honesty. “i kind of want to keep it for myself.”
you wondered if he still remembered saying that. you wondered where he was now, if he still laughed too softly when he was nervous, if girls still fell in love with him everywhere he went. if he would recognize your smile now.
early autumn, the university showed a movie in the football stadium. students covered the football field in blankets and hoodies and paper cups filled with soda. the giant stadium screen cast flickering light over hundreds of faces while cold air drifted slowly through the night.
knowing the field was enormous, jaehee told himself there was no possibility the girl sitting beside him could be you. the girl beside him laughed easily and was confident. she sat surrounded by friends, warm beneath the stadium lights, looking like someone who belonged exactly where she was. you didn’t look lonely anymore.
you laughed, and he knew instantly.
after that, he barely watched the movie at all. he watched the light move across your face instead. he watched you tuck your knees closer to your chest when the wind picked up. watched you lean toward your friends while laughing. watched your smile appear and disappear in the glow of the screen like something painfully familiar.
by the time the movie ended, his heart was beating so hard it almost made him feel sick.
students began packing up blankets around you. conversations rose and scattered across the field. somewhere nearby, someone was singing drunkenly off key.
you gathered your things slowly, preparing to follow your friends out through the crowd when a pair of shoes appeared in front of you.
“yn?” he said your name carefully, like he had been carrying it around inside himself for years. he held out his hand toward you.
“jaehee?” your voice sounded smaller than you intended, almost fragile against the noise surrounding you.
for a moment, neither of you moved. you felt suspended somewhere between memory and reality, staring at the boy who had once occupied every quiet corner of your life.
he smiled the same smile that used to ruin you in classrooms and hallways and beneath midnight skies.
“this is crazy,” he said softly, laughing under his breath.
you couldn’t answer. you were too busy realizing that after all this time, he was still looking at you like finding you mattered.
jaehee clears his throat softly, fingers tightening for a second around the strap of his bag. “um,” he says, laughing under his breath in that nervous way you don’t remember him ever doing in high school. “do you maybe wanna get something to eat?”
he gestures vaguely over his shoulder toward the parking lot. “i drove.”
something inside you stumbles. your heart suddenly feels too large for your body, pressing hard against your ribs like it’s trying to escape. before you can overthink yourself into saying no, before the quieter, more frightened parts of you can interfere, you nod. “okay.”
behind you, your friends exchange looks immediately. one of them lifts her brows with obvious curiosity while another tries and fails to hide a smile. normally you would have noticed. normally embarrassment would have spread through you too quickly to ignore.
but all you can focus on is jaehee waiting for you.
the parking lot smells faintly like cold pavement and autumn leaves. the night air has sharpened while you were sitting on the field, and your hands feel chilled against the sleeves of your sweater. jaehee walks half a step beside you, close enough that your shoulder brushes his once accidentally.
his car is warmer than outside, carrying the faint scent of laundry detergent and something distinctly him beneath it. you sit carefully in the passenger seat while he starts the engine, fingers tapping once against the steering wheel like he’s trying to steady himself. for a while, neither of you says much.
streetlights slide across his face in intervals while he drives. gold, shadow, gold again. the city outside the windows feels strangely distant, blurred at the edges. you keep stealing glances at him when you think he isn’t looking.
the diner he takes you to sits near the edge of campus beneath a flickering neon sign that buzzes faintly against the dark. inside, the air smells like coffee, syrup, grease, warmth.
jaehee holds the door open for you automatically, and you thank him too quietly. he slides into the booth across from you, and the vinyl creaks beneath his weight. for a second neither of you reaches for the menus. you just look at each other.
his smile still hasn’t disappeared. it’s the same smile.
“so,” he says finally, leaning back slightly. “you ended up here too.”
you lower your eyes toward the menu to avoid looking at him too directly. his gaze still affects you too easily. warmth creeps slowly into your cheeks under the weight of it.
“how’s it been?” he asks. “settling in, i mean.”
you trace your thumb absentmindedly along the laminated edge of the menu.
“it’s good,” you say quietly. “i’m happy here.”
then, after a second: “i think i’m doing okay.”
jaehee’s expression softens immediately. “i’m glad,” he says, and there’s something painfully sincere about the way he says it. “really.”
you don’t think anyone has ever looked this relieved to hear you’re happy. it makes you nervous in a way that feels almost unbearable. sitting across from him like this feels strangely unreal, like stepping back into a dream you already abandoned. except now he feels a bit older, taller. his voice sits deeper in his chest when he speaks. and he’s still looking at you with that same careful attention that once kept you awake at night.
you realize suddenly that your hands are trembling slightly beneath the table.
“how about you?” you ask quickly, mostly to redirect your thoughts. “how was your summer?”
jaehee laughs softly. the sound settles somewhere deep inside you immediately, familiar enough to ache.
“it was alright,” he says. “pretty boring, honestly.”
he glances toward the window for a second before looking back at you again. “college has been fun though. weird too.”
he smiles faintly. “everyone talks about freedom before you get here, but i didn’t really get it until now. suddenly nobody tells you what to do anymore. you can stay awake until four in the morning if you want. skip class. eat cake for dinner.”
you laugh quietly. his face brightens a little at the sound.
“i probably sound stupid,” he says, rubbing the back of his neck. “sorry. i’m just…” he hesitates. “really nervous right now.”
you blink. “you’re nervous?” the smile tugging at your mouth grows before you can stop it. “the jaehee?”
he groans softly and drops his head for a second, laughing into his hand. “don’t say it like that.”
“like what?”
“like i’m some guy.”
you look at him for a moment longer than you mean to. to you, he always had been.
jaehee lifts his eyes again eventually, and this time there’s something quieter inside them. something honest.
“if i’m being really honest,” he says slowly, “i never thought i’d see you again.”
the noise of the diner seems to blur faintly around the edges after that.
plates clatter somewhere nearby. a waitress laughs at something near the counter. outside the windows, headlights sweep past in streaks of pale light. but all you can focus on is him.
“ever,” he adds quietly.
his fingers drum once against the table before stilling again.
“seeing you tonight kind of feels like…” he exhales through a soft laugh. “i don’t know. like i got handed a second chance or something.”
you stare at him. “me?”
the word leaves your mouth before you can stop it. somewhere inside yourself, despite everything changing, despite college and new friends and becoming someone easier to love, part of you still believes you are fundamentally forgettable. still believes you were simply the quiet girl from the back row.
jaehee looks at you like the question itself pains him.
“yeah,” he says gently. “you.” his expression shifts then, becoming thoughtful.
“i always wished i talked to you more in high school.”
you feel your pulse quicken. he looks down briefly before continuing.
“i think i was scared.” the confession lands softly between you, almost shy.
you think about the boy you used to watch laughing easily with everyone around him. the boy who seemed completely untouched by fear.
and somehow, impossibly, he had been afraid of you too. or maybe not afraid of you exactly. afraid of wanting you too much.
“i’d really like to see you again,” he says after a while.
his voice has gone quieter now. steadier.
“after tonight, i mean.” he smiles a little, almost embarrassed by his own sincerity. “if you want.”
you lower your eyes because looking at him directly feels dangerous suddenly. your throat tightens unexpectedly.
when you finally manage to nod, his entire face brightens in a way that makes your chest ache. like you’ve just given him something important.
after that night, you and jaehee stop going a single day without speaking.
it happens naturally.
first texts that stretch later into the night than either of you intend. then phone calls while walking back from class. then dinners together, study sessions, wandering through convenience stores at midnight because jaehee suddenly wanted ice cream.
he slips into your life so easily it frightens you sometimes. like he had always belonged there.
you begin noticing things about him constantly.
not dramatic things, but small things. the way he always slows his walking pace without mentioning it so you can keep beside him comfortably. the way he remembers your favorite drink order after hearing it once. the way he listens to you with his entire attention, like your thoughts deserve space in the world.
his kindness is effortless.
that’s what unsettles you most. it isn’t performative kindness, not the kind people wear so others will praise them for it. jaehee’s kindness exists quietly, naturally, in the background of everything he does.
like breathing.
sometimes he reaches for your hand absentmindedly while talking and doesn’t seem to realize he’s doing it. sometimes he looks at you with such open fondness that you have to glance away first. sometimes you catch him staring when he thinks you aren’t paying attention.
those moments affect you more than they should.
because the few scraps of affection you received from him in high school once felt powerful enough to survive on for months. this is different. this is constant, deeper. more terrifying.
one evening you lie beside him in his dorm room while rain taps softly against the windows. your head rests against his chest, listening to the steady rhythm beneath your ear while his fingers drift lazily through your hair.
the room smells faintly like detergent and coffee. his roommate isn’t home.
everything feels unbearably peaceful. you stare at the dim light pooling across the ceiling and think, suddenly, that happiness always feels temporary when you finally touch it. like something borrowed.
“what are you thinking about?” jaehee asks quietly.
you tilt your face slightly toward him. he brushes a strand of hair away from your forehead with such gentleness it almost hurts. you smile faintly. “how happy i am right now.”
he hums softly. “you always say that.”
“because i never thought this would happen to me.”
jaehee smiles in that fond, helpless way he does whenever you say something that breaks his heart a little. “you always say that too.”
his hand settles against the side of your face. after a moment, he speaks again, quieter this time. “i’ve liked you for a really long time, yn.”
your chest tightens.
“remember what i told you the night we met again?”
you nod slowly against him. “that it felt like you got a second chance.”
“yeah.”
he looks down at you then with an expression so soft it almost feels sacred. “i think maybe we were always supposed to find each other again.”
your throat aches unexpectedly.
“i like you too much for it not to be you.”
the words settle inside you slowly. you push yourself up slightly so you can look at him properly.
his eyes are sleepy and affectionate beneath the dim room light. his hair falls softly across his forehead. he looks at you like you are something worth protecting.
“i like you a lot too, daeng,” you whisper.
his smile appears instantly. then he kisses you slowly and gently the way he always does, like he’s afraid of rushing something precious.
his thumbs brush softly against your cheeks while he kisses you, and suddenly you can feel all of it at once. all the love sitting quietly inside him. all the care. all the tenderness he gives you so naturally.
it overwhelms you. your chest tightens painfully. before you realize it, you’re pulling away. the distance appears between you too quickly.
jaehee stills immediately.
you look down instead of at him, settling your head back against his chest like hiding there might save you from explaining yourself. because some part of you still cannot understand how someone like him could love you this gently without eventually regretting it.
his hand hesitates briefly before returning to your hair. careful, always so careful with you.
“can we play xbox now?” you ask softly after a while. you force yourself to smile a little when you look up at him. jaehee smiles back, but this one is smaller. fainter around the edges.
without saying anything, he sits up and reaches for the controller across the room before placing it carefully into your hands. you hate the guilt that arrives immediately afterward. hate the way disappointment flickers across his face even when he’s trying to hide it from you.
when he starts to move away from the bed, you catch his wrist gently. “you’re not playing with me?”
“you can start without me,” he says. his voice remains soft. it’s always soft with you.
“i’m making our reservation for saturday.”
“reservation?” you blink up at him. “for what?”
he glances back over his shoulder. “that steak place downtown.”
you stare at him for a second, then laugh quietly. “baby,” you murmur, “it’s only our three month anniversary.”
jaehee’s expression changes immediately. serious now. earnest in that way that always catches you off guard. “yeah,” he says simply. “and i waited two years to have you properly.”
your heart stumbles again.
he looks at you for another second before speaking more quietly. “i want to celebrate every month i get with you.”
something warm unfolds slowly inside your chest. you always knew jaehee was romantic in the quiet ways that mattered. but sometimes his sincerity still catches you unprepared, arriving so honestly that you don’t know what to do with it.
you look down at the controller in your lap so he won’t see how affected you are.
“you’re too lovely for me,” you mumble eventually.
he hears you anyway. of course he does.
the dinner happens a week later.
even before jaehee arrives, you know you look beautiful. not in an arrogant way, but quietly. your curls fall perfectly for once. your dress fits like it belongs to you. when you look at yourself in the mirror, you almost understand what jaehee sees.
almost.
when he picks you up, he stops walking for half a second after the door opens. then he smiles so brightly you feel shy immediately. he’s holding flowers. of course he is. somehow they match your dress perfectly.
“wow,” he says softly. the word leaves him like breath. he presses a kiss against your cheek before you can respond, lingering just long enough to make your pulse flutter.
“every time i see you,” he murmurs near your ear, “i feel like the luckiest guy alive.”
you spend the entire drive trying not to smile too hard.
inside the restaurant, warm golden light pools across polished tables and wine glasses. jaehee keeps his hand against your waist while walking beside you, fingers spread gently like he wants reassurance you’re really there.
you like how small you feel next to him. safe, somehow. like if the world became too loud, he would quietly move in front of you and soften it.
the waiter seats you near the corner by a dim lamp and asks casually whether you’re celebrating anything special tonight.
before you can answer, jaehee says:
“our one year anniversary.”
your eyes widen immediately.
the waiter congratulates you warmly while jaehee squeezes your hand beneath the table like he’s trying not to laugh. once the waiter leaves, you stare at him across the candlelight. “why would you say that?”
he shrugs easily. “it’s not technically impossible.”
you laugh despite yourself. he watches you the entire time like your happiness is something worth memorizing.
later, when the food arrives, jaehee cuts your steak for you without thinking much about it. you find yourself staring at his hands. then his wrists. then the shape of his forearms beneath the rolled sleeves of his sweater.
before you can stop yourself, the words slip out. “everything about you is attractive.”
jaehee looks up immediately, caught off guard. “oh?”
you nod, suddenly unable to become shy about it. “your hands. your arms. your face.” you pause. “everything.”
he stares at you for a second like he can’t fully process what he’s hearing. then he laughs softly. “it’s good to know you actually like me too.”
your chest twists strangely at the joke.
“what?”
the word leaves you more quietly than intended. because haven’t you been trying to show him? haven’t you been loving him with everything you have?
before you can ask what he means, another voice interrupts, bright and familiar.
“jaehee?”
your stomach drops instantly.
you recognize her before she even fully steps toward the table.
she was beautiful in high school in the effortless kind of way that made other people rearrange themselves around her. teachers adored her. classmates orbited her naturally. she always seemed lit from within somehow. the sort of girl who belonged beside someone like jaehee.
she smiles at you politely, but you know immediately she doesn’t remember you at all.
jaehee smiles back easily. “hey. wow, it’s been forever.”
while they speak, you sit quietly beside him, hands folded carefully in your lap.
you remember her laughing with him in classrooms years ago, and how naturally they occupied the same spaces. she tells him about the nearby college she attends now. tells him she noticed him from across the restaurant and almost couldn’t believe it.
then jaehee turns toward you without hesitation. “it was nice seeing a familiar face again,” he says, smiling softly at you.
your chest tightens.
the girl blinks. “wait,” she says. “you two knew each other before?”
“yeah,” jaehee says immediately. “you remember yn.”
she looks at you apologetically, blankly. “i don’t think i do,” she admits.
then, after a second:
“but i definitely would’ve remembered someone this pretty.”
you smile politely because it feels expected.
jaehee laughs under his breath. “we all had math together for like two years.”
“it’s okay,” you say quietly. “i was really shy back then.”
the girl’s expression softens.
“that’s such a shame,” she says. “we probably would’ve been friends.”
you nod politely again even though you know that isn’t true.
girls like her didn’t notice girls like you back then, not really. people like you now because you learned how to become easier to love. you learned how to speak more clearly. smile at the right moments. dress better. hide the lonelier parts of yourself beneath prettier ones.
after she leaves, something inside you shifts quietly.
your appetite disappears. you push food around your plate while jaehee talks, still smiling softly at you from across the table, completely unaware of the spiral beginning beneath your skin.
because suddenly all you can think is this:
someone like him should be with someone like her, bright and effortless who shines naturally in every room they enter. not someone who spent most of her life trying to disappear.
the next week, the thoughts return so quietly you almost mistake them for instinct.
they arrive while you’re brushing your teeth in the morning. while waiting for your coffee to cool. while staring at yourself in bathroom mirrors too long. small thoughts at first, harmless enough on their own.
someone like him should be with someone brighter, someone easier. someone who doesn’t have to think so hard about being loved.
you try to ignore them.
but thoughts like that rarely disappear once they find somewhere comfortable to live.
the library is louder than usual that afternoon.
someone nearby keeps laughing too hard at things that aren’t funny, and every few minutes a chair scrapes loudly against the floor. sunlight filters weakly through the tall windows, turning the dust in the air gold for a second before it disappears again.
you sit beside jaehee at the long wooden table while his friends spread notebooks and laptops around you in messy piles.
you only came because he asked. because when jaehee looks at you hopefully and says come with me, it becomes difficult to say no to anything.
still, by the time you arrive, you can already feel yourself rationing energy carefully inside your own body. measuring out pieces of your attention. saving enough warmth for him so he won’t notice how tired your mind feels lately.
jaehee, meanwhile, looks completely natural here.
he leans back in his chair laughing at something one of his friends says, eyes crinkling softly at the corners. people speak over each other constantly around him, conversations splitting and reconnecting like tangled strings, but somehow he keeps up with all of it effortlessly.
you watch him while pretending to read over your notes. you’ve always loved seeing him like this, comfortable and wanted. people gravitate toward him without realizing they’re doing it. his presence softens rooms. fills silence naturally. even now, surrounded by loud voices and overlapping conversations, everyone still seems faintly tuned toward him, waiting for his reaction, his laugh, his attention.
you realize suddenly that you still don’t know how to exist like that.
you thought maybe college had changed you more than it actually had.
but sitting here beside people who speak so easily, who interrupt each other confidently and take up space without apology, you feel that familiar shrinking sensation beginning again inside your chest. like everyone else learned something about living that you somehow missed.
the conversation shifts toward bad professors. someone across the table complains dramatically about a chemistry lecture, and another person immediately joins in. everyone begins talking at once.
you open your mouth carefully. “i had a professor like that too last semes—” your voice disappears beneath the noise almost instantly.
nobody notices. the conversation keeps moving forward without pausing long enough for you to catch up again.
heat crawls slowly up your neck. you lower your eyes toward your notebook and pretend not to mind.
then, gently, someone nudges your arm. “you did?”
you look up. jaehee is already watching you. his chin rests loosely against his hand, expression soft with attention, like your unfinished sentence was the most important thing he heard all afternoon.
your chest tightens unexpectedly.
“yeah,” you mumble. suddenly your throat feels too dry to continue. you hadn’t even realized he was listening to you at all.
his eyes linger on your face for another second. “you okay?” he asks quietly.
he leans closer when he says it, voice dropping instinctively softer for you than it is for anyone else.
your pulse stutters painfully.
he’s always like this, paying attention and noticing the smallest shifts in you before anyone else can.
immediately the questions begin again, cruel and familiar.
do you deserve someone who looks at you this carefully?
is this really love, or is jaehee simply kind enough to make anyone feel special?
how could someone like him possibly want someone like you this much?
what exactly did he see in you all those years ago?
“jesus,” one of his friends groans suddenly from across the table. “you two are disgusting.”
everyone laughs.
“seriously,” another says. “i can’t even focus with all the staring.”
you feel your face burn instantly. jaehee only smiles. not embarrassed or defensive—just quietly pleased. he glances toward you again afterward, eyes warm in that unbearable way they always are.
“how’d you guys even meet?” someone asks a second later.
you instinctively part your lips to answer, but jaehee speaks first.
“i liked her forever in high school,” he says simply. the words land so casually that for a second nobody reacts.
then someone whistles dramatically across the table.
jaehee laughs under his breath, rubbing the back of his neck. “we just didn’t start dating until last semester.”
he looks at you when he says it. directly at you. like even now, after finally having you, the fact still feels unreal to him.
“crazy, right?”
the conversation shifts again almost immediately after that. someone starts talking about dorm parties. someone else complains about midterms. laughter rises and falls around you in waves, but you barely hear any of it. because your chest still aches strangely from hearing him say it aloud so easily.
i liked her forever.
as if loving you had always been obvious to him.
jaehee keeps checking on you throughout the afternoon.
small glances, small touches. his knee brushing yours beneath the table. his hand sliding absentmindedly across the back of your chair.
every time he laughs, his eyes find you automatically afterward, like some part of him needs to make sure you’re still there too. and somehow, that only makes the ache inside you worse. because the more openly he loves you, the less you understand why.
the change begins quietly after that.
it happens so quietly neither of you fully notice it at first.
it starts with your kisses. not the kisses themselves, exactly, but the endings of them.
where you once melted easily into him, now something in you hesitates. your lips still meet his softly, your hands still curl against his sweater, but the moment his affection becomes too visible, too sincere, panic flickers somewhere deep inside your chest.
you pull away earlier now. sometimes right when his hands settle at your waist. sometimes when his thumbs brush too tenderly against your cheeks. or when he kisses you with too much feeling and you suddenly cannot bear being looked at so lovingly.
every time, jaehee pauses, but he never complains. he only presses his forehead gently against yours afterward, breathing quietly while he waits for you to settle again.
like he’s afraid of startling you. like he thinks patience alone might protect whatever fragile thing has started forming between you.
then your texts begin changing too.
once, your conversations stretched endlessly into the night. rambling thoughts. blurry photos. voice messages filled with half-finished sentences and laughter.
now your replies grow shorter without meaning to.
i’m okay.
just tired.
miss you too.
the words still say the right things, but something inside them has thinned. even you can feel it.
jaehee notices too.
late at night, lying alone in bed, he rereads your messages searching for signs he missed earlier. some hidden shift in tone, or some mistake he made accidentally, but he can’t find one.
when you’re together, you seem present and distant at the same time. you still smile at him, but your smiles disappear faster now.
sometimes you sit curled beside him with your hands folded tightly in your lap, shoulders slightly hunched inward, unconsciously trying to make yourself smaller again. jaehee notices that too. he notices everything about you.
the way you say you’re tired more often lately. the way your eyes drift somewhere unreachable in the middle of conversations. the way you rest against his chest without fully relaxing into him anymore. like part of you remains tense even in his arms.
“you okay?” he asks one evening while brushing his fingers through your hair. always gently. always softly.
you nod too quickly.
“yeah,” you whisper. “i’m fine.”
jaehee wants to believe you, so he does. or at least he tries to.
but afterward he starts holding you longer when you hug him goodbye. starts kissing your forehead more carefully. starts watching your face when he says something affectionate, like he’s trying to memorize where your reactions changed.
when you pull away from kisses now, he lets you. even though disappointment flashes briefly across his face before he hides it again, because hurting you is the last thing he ever wants to do.
at night, when you fall asleep curled beside him, jaehee stays awake longer than usual.
the room remains dark except for the faint glow of streetlights slipping through the blinds.
he listens quietly to your breathing against his chest. he counts the slow rise and fall of it and wonders when exactly you started feeling so far away from him.
he doesn’t know the reason yet. he only knows something inside you is hurting and whatever it is, you’ve decided to carry it alone.
being home again feels wrong in a way you can’t properly explain.
nothing here has changed.
the same framed photos still line the hallway walls. the same clock in the kitchen ticks too loudly at night. even the air feels identical to the one you left behind months ago, heavy and still and impossible to escape once it settles inside your lungs.
your childhood bedroom looks smaller now, or maybe you’re the one who changed.
when your parents mention driving an hour away to visit relatives for the weekend, you shake your head before they even finish asking.
“i’m just not really feeling up to it,” you murmur.
they accept the answer easily.
you’re grateful for that because the truth is you can already feel yourself unraveling here. being back home resurrects parts of yourself you thought you left behind when you moved away for college.
the loneliness returns first, then the silence. you’d forgotten how loud silence could become in this house.
during high school, entire afternoons used to pass without anyone saying your name once. you remember sitting alone in your room while daylight slowly disappeared outside your window, feeling time stretch endlessly around you like something living.
you remember walking through school hallways convinced nobody would notice if you vanished midway through the day.
you remember sitting beside classroom windows watching seasons change outside while your own life remained painfully still.
except for him.
jaehee existed in those memories like warmth exists inside winter. small at first, then suddenly everywhere. you remember the sound of his voice saying good morning to you each day like it was the most natural thing in the world.
you remember how shocking it felt the first time someone looked genuinely happy to see you.
how his smile reached you before his words ever did. soft, bright, real. there were mornings when that smile alone carried you through entire days.
sometimes you think jaehee saved your life without realizing it.
you squeeze your eyes shut against the thought. because lately, you barely see him smile at all. and the worst part is knowing exactly why.
you.
the realization settles slowly inside you, cold and permanent. you think about the way he watches you now—carefully. like he’s trying not to startle something wounded.
you think about how often concern flickers across his face these days. how he hesitates before touching you sometimes, like he’s become afraid of pushing too hard and losing you completely.
you think about the exhaustion hidden underneath his gentleness lately. the dimness slowly replacing his light. he shouldn’t have to love someone this carefully.
jaehee was never meant to become cautious.
he was born to exist brightly, to laugh loudly in crowded rooms. to love freely without fear. and now every soft thing he does feels restrained by the possibility of hurting you. especially not for someone like you.
outside, rain has been falling since morning. the kind that seems furious with the earth itself. it slams against the windows relentlessly, turning the sky dark enough that afternoon resembles evening. the entire house feels submerged beneath gray light.
you sit on the edge of your bed holding your phone in both hands. jaehee’s name glows softly against the screen. your thumb hovers above it.
i need to let him go.
the thought arrives quietly. because if you love someone properly, shouldn’t you want what’s best for them?
even if what’s best means losing them?
your chest aches so badly it feels difficult to breathe.
you stare at his name one second longer before there’s a knock at your door. your entire body freezes.
another knock.
your heartbeat lurches painfully against your ribs as you stand. somehow, before opening the door, you already know it’s him. jaehee stands on the other side completely soaked through.
for a second, you can only stare.
rainwater drips steadily from his hair onto the porch beneath him. his shirt clings damply against his skin, his jacket heavy and dark with water. he’s breathing hard enough that his chest rises unevenly beneath the fabric.
he ran here.
your first instinct is immediate and overwhelming—hold him, pull him inside. wrap your arms around him and apologize for every terrible thing your mind has convinced you of these past few weeks. instead, guilt crashes into you just as quickly. the look on his face already tells you you’ve hurt him more than you realized.
“jaehee?” your voice comes out smaller than intended. “did you run here?”
without thinking, you lift your hand toward his face. toward the rainwater sliding down his skin. toward him.
but halfway there, you stop yourself. your fingers curl inward, your arm falls back to your side.
something inside jaehee visibly crumples at the sight. he closes his eyes briefly, lips pressing together hard enough to tremble, like even that small hesitation wounded him.
when he opens his eyes again, they look unbearably tired.
“i can’t do this anymore, yn.”
your stomach drops instantly. there it is. the ending you’ve been preparing yourself for. still, hearing it aloud feels like stepping off something tall unexpectedly.
“you…” your voice catches painfully. “you can’t do this anymore?”
tears sting immediately behind your eyes. jaehee drags both hands down his soaked face. “i can’t,” he says again, but this time his voice breaks apart halfway through the sentence. “i can’t.”
rain hammers against the roof around you. somewhere in the distance, thunder rolls low across the sky.
“come inside,” you whisper desperately. “please. let’s just talk inside.”
“no.” he shakes his head instantly. water flicks from his hair with the motion. “i’m not going inside until you tell me what i did wrong.”
you stop breathing. for a second, you genuinely think you misheard him. “…what?”
his expression twists. “i did something wrong,” he says, voice cracking open completely now. “right? that’s why you’ve been pulling away from me?”
he swallows hard. “that’s why you don’t like me anymore?”
your heart breaks so suddenly it almost feels physical. out of every possible explanation, that’s the one he chose. that you stopped loving him.
“do you still like me, yn?” he asks quietly. the hope in his eyes almost destroys you. small, fragile, still there anyway.
you open your mouth. nothing comes out. the silence stretches too long. you watch the exact moment something inside him dims.
he laughs weakly then, but the sound barely resembles one. “okay,” he says softly, nodding to himself more than to you. “okay. i’m sorry for coming here. i shouldn’t have.”
rainwater mixes with tears on his face so completely you can’t separate them anymore.
“just pretend this never happened.” he turns and starts walking back into the storm.
“jaehee.” your voice disappears beneath the rain.
he keeps walking. panic tears through you instantly.
“jaehee!” louder this time.
your body moves before your thoughts can catch up. you run after him into the rain without shoes, without a jacket, without caring how cold it feels. water soaks through your clothes immediately. “jaehee!”
finally he stops and turns around slowly. the expression on his face steals the air from your lungs. he looks devastated.
“you didn’t do anything wrong,” you cry. the words barely leave your mouth before sobs begin shaking through you.
jaehee’s face twists. “then talk to me,” he pleads. “please. just tell me where all of this went wrong.”
you want to move closer to him. you want to let him hold you. shame keeps your feet rooted painfully in place.
“i never meant to hurt you,” you whisper through tears. “i’m just not good for you, daeng.”
his brows pull together immediately, like the sentence itself makes no sense to him. “…what?”
rain pours down both of you mercilessly now.
“since we started dating,” you sob, “you’re the only one who’s been happy because of this. all i do is make you worry. you’ve become this…” your voice cracks violently. “this shell of yourself around me.” you can barely breathe anymore. the words spill out too quickly to stop now.
“the smile that made me fall in love with you is gone because of me.”
jaehee’s face crumples completely.
“being back here made me realize something,” you continue shakily. “back then, seeing you every day was the only reason i wanted to go to school at all.” your shoulders shake violently.
“just thinking maybe you’d say hi to me that morning meant everything.” a broken laugh escapes you.
“your smile represented a life worth living to me, jaehee.”
his eyes shine instantly.
“and now i’m the reason you barely smile.” you wrap your arms around yourself instinctively, trying to contain the shaking inside your body.
“someone like you shouldn’t be with someone like me.” the sentence tastes old and familiar, like something you’ve believed your entire life.
“you deserve someone brighter. someone unforgettable. someone who shines the way you do.”
your voice drops into something smaller. “not someone this easy to lose.”
“yn,” jaehee says desperately, closing the distance between you in two quick steps. “you’re not making any sense.”
his hands cup your face despite the rain. warm even now. gentle even now.
“you were the reason i smiled back then, too,” he says.
his voice breaks halfway through.
“you know that, right?”
you shake your head immediately because no—how could that possibly be true?
“no,” he says quickly, reading your expression instantly. “no, you couldn’t have known. but i need you to hear me now.” his hands tremble slightly against your cheeks.
“i need you to believe me.”
“i do,” you whisper automatically.
“no, you don’t.” his voice rises for the first time, raw with hurt.
“you don’t believe anything i say about you.”
rainwater clings to his lashes as he looks at you like he’s trying to reach inside your chest and pull the truth out himself.
“you have no idea what you mean to me, yn.”
“because why would someone like me mean anything to someone like you?” you cry back suddenly. the words rip out of you before you can stop them.
something inside jaehee breaks visibly at hearing them. “what does that even mean?” he asks. his voice sounds wrecked now, completely wrecked.
every terrible thought you’ve carried quietly for years begins to spill out.
“i’ve always felt small,” you sob. “like i barely exist half the time. like if i disappeared nobody would really notice.”
jaehee’s hands tighten around your face instinctively, but you keep going.
“i spent my whole life believing i was replaceable,” you cry. “that there’s always someone prettier or louder or easier to love waiting right behind me.”
your breath catches painfully in your chest. “being with you felt impossible.” your voice weakens. “like i stole happiness that belonged to somebody else.”
you look at him through blurred vision. “every morning i woke up expecting you to realize i wasn’t enough.” the confession leaves you shaking.
“you made me feel seen,” you whisper brokenly. “do you understand that? being with you is the happiest i’ve ever been in my entire life.” your body folds inward with the force of your sobbing.
“and i want to stay,” you cry. “i want to stay with you so badly. but my head keeps telling me i ruin everything i touch.”
rain streams endlessly down both your faces.
“i’m scared i’ll keep hurting you,” you whisper. “i’m scared i’ll keep pulling away until eventually you stop loving me.” your chest aches so badly it feels unbearable now. “i don’t want to be this way anymore.”
before you can say anything else, jaehee pulls you into him.
like he physically cannot stand another second with distance between you. his arms lock around you tightly beneath the rain. you feel his heartbeat slamming wildly against your cheek.
“i love you,” he says into your wet hair, certain and fierce.
“and you need to start believing that because it’s true.” his voice trembles.
“i’m not leaving you.”
you cry harder against him.
“none of those things matter to me,” he continues desperately. “the things you hate about yourself. nobody sees you the way you see yourself, yn.”
he pulls back just enough to look at you again. his eyes are red now. “everyone loves you.” the conviction in his voice hurts almost as much as the tenderness. “you’re incredible because you’re you.”
his thumb brushes shakily beneath your eye. “and i’m in love with you.”
you stare at him helplessly.
rain runs down the bridge of his nose, through his lashes, across his trembling mouth.
“i only stopped smiling because i thought i was losing you,” he whispers. “i thought i ruined us somehow.”
his forehead presses against yours. “but if you let me keep loving you…” his voice softens into something unbearably gentle. “i’ll smile again. i promise.”
something inside your chest finally gives way then, like unclenching a fist you didn’t realize you’d held for years. you nod through tears.
“you don’t have to carry everything alone anymore,” jaehee whispers.
his hands cradle your face like something precious.
“lean on me.”
rain pours around both of you endlessly.
“trust me.”
you close your eyes. for the first time in weeks, the storm inside your head quiets slightly. not gone, but quieter.
“you said you’re the only one who’s happy because of this,” jaehee murmurs. “but just being near you makes me happier than anything else in my life.” his mouth trembles into the faintest smile. “even thinking about you makes me smile.”
then he kisses you.
this time, when his love reaches for you, you don’t run from it. you let yourself stay.
you cry into the kiss and feel him doing the same, rainwater and tears blending together until neither of you can tell them apart anymore.
the storm continues raging around you, wild and alive. but held in his arms like this, you begin wondering if maybe love was never something you had to earn through becoming smaller.
maybe it was always supposed to feel like being found.
by the time you and jaehee make it back to your house, neither of you are crying anymore.
the storm still follows behind you in soft echoes. rain taps steadily against the roof while you unlock the front door with trembling fingers, the sleeves of your sweatshirt still damp at the cuffs.
you suddenly become hyperaware of everything. the sound of your breathing. the wet footprints trailing behind the two of you across the hardwood floor. the fact that jaehee is standing inside the place where you once spent years feeling painfully alone.
for a second, neither of you speak. you disappear briefly into the hallway closet and return with a towel.
“here,” you murmur softly.
jaehee takes it from you carefully, like even now he’s afraid sudden movements might scare you away again.
his fingers brush yours. warm. you can’t remember the last time touch felt this fragile. without really thinking about it, your hand slips into his. your fingers interlock naturally, automatically, and relief moves quietly through your chest when he squeezes back immediately.
you lead him upstairs.
your bedroom door creaks softly when you push it open. jaehee steps inside slowly. his eyes move across the room with quiet curiosity, taking in pieces of you that existed long before he did.
the old bookshelf beside your desk. the fading photographs tucked into the corner of your mirror. the small lamp near your bed casting everything in warm gold light. for some reason, having him here makes your chest ache.
you move toward your overnight bag quickly before you can think too hard about it.
rummaging through it, you pull out a folded sweatshirt and sweatpants. his sweatshirt. his sweatpants.
you freeze for half a second after realizing what you’ve just revealed accidentally. because of course they’re his. you brought them home selfishly, for nights when you missed him too much.
when you finally turn around and hand them to him, your cheeks already feel warm.
jaehee looks down at the clothes, then back at you. he laughs softly. not mockingly. something gentler than that. fond enough to make your stomach twist.
you look away immediately.
“i just…” you mumble, embarrassed now in a way that feels strangely domestic after everything that happened outside. “i liked wearing them.”
his expression softens so visibly it almost hurts to look at. you clear your throat quickly before the warmth in your chest becomes unbearable.
“i, um…” your voice catches awkwardly. “i don’t think i have underwear for you to change into.”
silence. then jaehee laughs again, brighter this time. his wet hair falls into his eyes slightly when he does. you think it might be the first real laugh you’ve heard from him in weeks. the sound makes something unclench inside you instantly.
“i think i’ll survive,” he says.
your face burns harder. he watches you for another second with obvious affection before finally disappearing into the bathroom to change.
the moment the door clicks shut, you exhale shakily. your room suddenly feels smaller with him inside it. more intimate. like every object surrounding you now carries the possibility of being noticed by him.
you change quickly into one of his oversized t shirts and a pair of soft shorts, pulling the fabric over your skin carefully. the shirt smells faintly like his detergent still, like him.
you don’t bother putting on a bra.
for once, the thought of being perceived by him doesn’t immediately make you panic. it only makes your heartbeat soften strangely.
jaehee steps out of the bathroom after changing. his damp hair curls slightly near his forehead. the sleeves of his sweatshirt swallow his hands halfway. you realize suddenly that you’ve never seen him look this soft before.
quietly, the two of you gather the soaked clothes from earlier. your fingers brush occasionally while stuffing fabric into the washer downstairs. neither of you let the other drift too far away for even a second.
when you return upstairs, jaehee sits back carefully against your bed frame with a tired exhale. the mattress dips beneath his weight.
his eyes drift slowly around the room again. “so this is your room,” he says softly.
you lean against your desk for a moment before smiling faintly. “the one and only.” the words leave you lighter than expected. maybe because he’s here now. maybe because this room no longer feels entirely lonely.
jaehee’s gaze lingers on you. there’s still something almost disbelieving in the way he looks at you tonight. like he keeps remembering he almost lost this. almost lost you.
“it’s nice,” he murmurs.
you shrug awkwardly. then, after a small pause, you admit quietly:
“you’re actually the only person who’s ever been in here.” you hesitate. “other than my parents.”
the room falls silent afterward.
you watch the realization settle slowly across jaehee’s face. suddenly you can tell he doesn’t know whether to smile or feel heartbroken. because to him, it means trust. but it also means loneliness. years of it.
before either of you say anything else, jaehee reaches for you. his hands slide around your waist gently, pulling you closer until you’re standing between his knees.
the movement feels instinctive. his forehead presses briefly against your stomach through the thin fabric of his shirt. for a second, neither of you move at all.
you look down at him quietly.
his hair is still slightly damp beneath your fingers when you begin brushing them through it absentmindedly. soft strokes. careful ones.
jaehee closes his eyes almost immediately at the touch.
his arms tighten around your waist.
you continue running your fingers through his hair while rain murmurs softly against the windows behind you.
and standing there in the middle of your childhood bedroom, with jaehee holding you like you’re something worth protecting, you realize this is the first time the room has ever felt warm.
the feeling makes you want to share your warmth in the only way you can think of.
you play with his hair for another minute, running the damp strands between your fingers. then you move your hands to cradle his face. the sudden gesture makes jaehee loosen his hold on your waist.
you lean down until your lips find his.
when you kiss him first, jaehee’s eyes widen in surprise. he can’t remember the last time you initiated any form of physical affection. but now your thumbs are brushing over his cheeks, and you’re kissing him with everything you have. he melts into you immediately, kissing you back with the same quiet desperation.
jaehee rises to his feet without breaking the kiss. his hands move from your face to your shoulders, then back to your waist. he gathers the fabric of your shirt in his fists as he kisses you clumsily, and your hands wander over his broad frame. when your cold fingers slip beneath the hem of his shirt and brush against his skin, his entire body shivers.
a soft groan escapes him when you flatten your palms against his bare back, pulling him impossibly close. he can feel your chest against his through both of your shirts before his grip tightens around your waist and he gently guides you backward onto the bed.
you crawl toward the pillows, your eyes never leaving his. your chest rises and falls with every breath.
jaehee pulls his shirt over his head, and you notice that he’s breathing just as hard.
the moment he climbs over you again, you’re reaching for him.
your hands move along his back for the first time in what feels like forever, tracing familiar lines as the muscles beneath your palms shift and flex. jaehee catches your bottom lip briefly between his, and your hands drift to his arms.
you’d forgotten how sturdy he is. how safe he feels.
why couldn’t you lean on him?
jaehee’s hands tremble slightly as they find the hem of your shirt. you feel the hesitation in his touch when his palms settle gently against the bare skin above your shorts. your breath catches when his thumbs begin tracing small, absent circles there.
you finally pull back just enough to rest your forehead against his.
a small smile tugs at your lips.
jaehee watches you patiently.
he’ll do whatever you want him to.
you can see it in his eyes.
slowly, you shift until you’re straddling his waist and he’s lying beneath you.
for a moment, you simply stay there.
your fingers leave light trails along his collarbone, down the center of his chest, and across the firm planes of his stomach. when you lean down, pressing soft kisses against his jaw and along the curve of his neck, quiet sounds leave him before he can stop them.
jaehee decides then that he’s entirely at your mercy.
eventually, you sit up again.
the oversized shirt pools around your hips where you’re sitting on top of him. your fingers find the hem and curl around the fabric.
before you can lift it, jaehee places his hand gently over yours.
you pause.
“yn—”
“i want to,” you blurt out.
his eyes widen slightly.
for a second, neither of you speak.
“do you want to?” you ask quietly, searching his face.
jaehee looks at you for a long moment before nodding.
“yeah,” he says softly.
you can feel jaehee growing underneath you with every inch of skin you reveal. when your shirt is fully pulled off, the brown in jaehee’s eyes are almost completely lost to his blown out pupils. you lean down just slightly, guiding your hand to your chest.
“please touch me,” you say gently. “i want to feel warm again.”
jaehee’s eyes move from your chest to your eyes.
he understands now, nodding his head again. his hands cup both of your breasts, spilling out between his fingers.
“you’re beautiful, yn,” he tells you as he cups you in his hands. you let out a soft sigh at the feeling of his hands. his groping only gets rougher as your noises encourage him.
he leans up to take a nipple in his mouth, his tongue laving the mound as his other hand pinches your other nipple.
“i love you,” he switches his attention to your other breast, and you can feel the air cooling his spit.
your hips shift forward at his words and he groans with your chest in his mouth. your hands find his hair again and keep his face buried there.
he pulls away to look at you, his pupils blown. you smile at him and lean down to find his lips again and you can feel him smile into the kiss, too.
jaehee’s hands move to your ass, pressing you against him. both of you groan at the feeling.
you’ve dry humped before, but never with both of you topless. “fuck,” you say, feeling the size his length through his sweatpants. it makes sense, for someone with jaehee’s height and build to also have a big dick. he twitches at the sound of you cursing.
jaehee maneuvers you until you’re laying down again and he’s leaning over you. he peppers kisses all over your face before his lips find your jaw and move down your throat. he sucks particularly hard where your neck meets your shoulder, then soothes the area with his tongue.
you’re whimpering his name as you feel the area dry and jaehee’s hands return to your chest. jaehee brings his forehead to rest against yours as you take one of his hands in yours and slowly drag it down your body.
when you guide his fingers beneath the waistband of your shorts, jaehee thinks he might explode. he cups your heat over your panties, feeling how damp the fabric is. “yn,” he chokes out in a strained voice, chest heaving as his fingers rubs your folds over the fabric.
“feels good,” you nod at him with a sigh.
your small sounds encourage jaehee to keep rubbing your folds. he wants to draw out more from you, speeding his fingers up. when your breathing starts to increase, jaehee’s hands move to the waistband of your shorts and panties.
“can i?” he asks you, looking deep into your eyes.
“please, jaehee,” you breathe out. jaehee rids you of your clothing and moans at the sight of you fully bare for him. he twitches in his pants when he realizes he can see your wetness coating your core. under his attention, you suddenly feel shy, turning your head away from him.
“baby, you’re beautiful,” he whispers, turning your head back towards him with a finger under your chin. too easily, your eyes find the bulge in his pants, and a small wet spot forming. the sight makes your mouth water.
jaehee leans over you again, his mouth finding yours momentarily while his fingers explore you for the first time. your whole body jerks when he touches your clit, and you feel a new wave of wetness.
“i can’t believe this is all for me,” jaehee says in awe, pulling back to look at you again. his words are in genuine amazement, completely infatuated by you.
“your body is so hot,” he continues, using his middle finger and thumb to spread you out. you moan at both his words and his touch.
his fingers spread your slick from your entrance to your folds and clit. when jaehee puts his middle finger inside of you, a moan escapes your lips. “oh my god.”
jaehee pulls his finger out just to thrust it back in. next, he adds his index finger and curls them inside of you. you’ve never felt anything like this before, and neither has jaehee.
“you’re so soft inside,” he says. his bulge is almost getting to be painful at this point, but he’s completely focused on how he’s making you feel. your walls clamp down on jaehee’s fingers, so he decided to say more. “you’re so warm, yn.”
jaehee speeds up the pace of his fingers almost immediately, and you can’t even find any words to say. the only sounds in the room are the squelching of his fingers inside of you and your broken cries and whimpers. his other hand finds it way to your chest again, and you’re completely overwhelmed by everything jaehee.
just as the winding in your stomach is almost at its peak, jaehee pulls his fingers out of you. he brings them to his mouth and you watch him suck them clean. your eyes stay on him as he moves to take off his sweatpants.
“come here,” you coo sweetly when his final garment is removed. the size of jaehee slightly intimidates you, but you’re so eager to feel him inside.
you can feel the weight of him on your stomach as he kisses you sweet and slow. you’re humming into the kiss and bring a hand down to his tip. he jerks at the feeling and bites your lip on accident. “i’m sorry,” he laughs softly, his thumb caressing your cheek as your hand spreads his precum down his shaft.
“are you ready?” he asks you with a small nod.
“yes.”
jaehee kisses your forehead and then props himself up on his elbows.
when he runs his tip along your folds, both of you twitch at the sensation. jaehee swears you feel so warm already, he isn’t sure he’ll be able to get much more than the tip in.
he heard you gasp and he paused once the tip of his cock was inside of you. he had to dig his fingers into your hips just to ground himself for a few moments.
when jaehee pushed himself deeper into you he felt as if he was going to explode, so he stilled his hips and moaned without meaning to. he had to bite back more sounds before he could speak to you.
“how does that feel?” his voice was shaking, and he swore your walls fluttered around him when he spoke to you. your eyes were screwed shut at the intrusion, waiting for the pain to give way to pleasure.
after a moment, you found the strength to speak. “it feels good, keep going.”
jaehee nodded at your wishes, pushing into you little by little. both of you moaned as he moved, new to such a foreign feeling. jaehee thinks he could die like this. he swore your body was squeezing him in so tight, he wasn’t sure he’d even be able to pull out.
“let me know when it’s ok to move,” he said when he was fully sheathed. jaehee was so big and deep inside of you, you could barely process his words. you could feel him everywhere, and you’ve never felt closer to him than now.
when you let out a soft “ok,” jaehee pulls out completely. you know that he’s completely covered in you, and the realization makes your head spin.
when jaehee pushes in again, and you moan at the feeling. “so deep,” you gasp before he pulls out again.
“fuck, baby, don’t say that,” he thrusts forward and sets a slow pace, because he doesn't think he could handle much more.
your hands find jaehee’s back and pull him down to you, wanting to feel his skin on yours. both of you are moaning into each other’s mouths as his hips speed up.
“i’m close, daeng,” you breathe out, gripping his bicep.
“me, too,” his thrusts become sloppy. “where should i—”
your cries of his name cut him off as you release around him. the feeling of your walls clamping down on him spur jaehee’s own release, and you feel him spurting inside of you. jaehee stays inside of you until you’ve both calmed down.
he kisses you lazily before jerking back.
“wait, yn, i… inside—”
you giggle at his panicked eyes, pulling him back into you. “i’m on the pill, so it’s ok.”
jaehee blinks a few times before letting himself relax in your arms. “i’ll still buy you a plan b.”
“that’s very sweet.” you coo.
“i love you, yn.”
“i know, daeng. i love you, too.”
“do you really know, though?” he asked you with a playful peck on the lips.
“yeah, i can feel all of your love dripping out of me right now.”
jaehee hides his face at your words, and you laugh at his cuteness.
“i’ll clean everything up later,” he tells you. “just want to hold you right now.”
you hum. “me too. i missed you.”
jaehee’s heart skips a beat as he pulls you into him, and the two of you drift off.
a month later, you and jaehee have officially finished your first year of college.
after you submitted your final assignment, jaehee pulled you into his lap and showered you with kisses and puppy-like affection.
“jaehee!”
“what?”
“what do you mean, what?” you giggle, “what’s happening?” jaehee lands a wet kiss on your cheek. “i’m celebrating.”
his grip on your waist tightens, pulling you even closer to him.
“we can celebrate normally, you know.”
“this is normal.”
“this is an incredible amount of kisses i’m receiving.”
you brush a few bangs out of jaehee’s eyes before leaning forward to kiss his forehead. he softens under your touch.
“you know me so well,” he pouts softly. you narrow your eyes
“go ahead and tell me what you’re buttering me up for.”
“what? i would never.”
jaehee smiles at you, eyes full of adoration. it makes your heart feel warm and full.
“jaehee.”
“ok. my friend is having a little get-together to celebrate the end of the semester and i was hoping you’d come with me.”
“i see,” you push his hair back and pretend to think hard about your answer. when you tap your chin for the third time, jaehee sighs in distress.
“i guess i’ll go,” you fake sigh before grinning.
jaehee lights up. “really?”
“yeah. wouldn’t want my boyfriend to have no one to talk to, after all.”
“yeah, we couldn’t have that,” jaehee groans, playing along. “it’d be devastating.”
“tragic, even.”
“thank you for saving me,” jaehee says before buring his face into your shoulder.
the two of you arrive at jaehee’s friend's apartment, hand in hand.
“my favorite couple!” someone exclaims, and the others join in with cheers.
you find yourself smiling as jaehee gets pulled into conversations almost instantly. he looks brighter than he has in months. your chest feels warm as you watch him.
you make your way toward a group of girls gathered near the window.
halfway there, someone calls your name. you turn. it’s the girl from the restaurant, the one from high school.
she waves excitedly. “hi!”
“hi,” you answer with a surprised laugh.
“come sit with us.”
for a second, you glance across the room. jaehee catches your eye instantly, and his head tilts slightly.
you smile and nod: i'm okay.
he smiles back before somebody starts talking to him again.
the girl beside you hesitates. “i’ve actually wanted to talk to you.”
“to me?”
“yeah.”
she looks nervous now, which feels strange. once upon a time, you would've thought someone like her could never be nervous around someone like you.
“i’m sorry for not recognizing you back then.”
“really, it’s okay.”
“no, but—” she pauses. “you took care of the garden.”
you blink. “the garden?”
“behind the school.”
you stare. she laughs softly.
“i remember seeing you there all the time,” she continues. “one day after school i saw you and jaehee out there.”
you immediately laugh. “jaehee absolutely did not take care of that garden.”
“okay, maybe he mostly stood there.”
“that sounds more accurate.”
she laughs too. “i remember thinking you looked really peaceful there.”
you don't know what to say.
she fiddles with her sleeve. “i should’ve talked to you back then. i love flowers.”
“you do?”
you imagine your high school self hearing that. you don't think she would've known what to do with it. all those years, you had been so convinced nobody noticed you. and yet somebody remembered the garden, and the flowers. somebody remembered you.
“yeah.”
“why didn’t you?”
she smiles sheepishly. “i was scared.”
you blink. “scared?”
“i thought maybe it was a you-and-jaehee thing.”
you immediately start laughing. “it definitely wasn't.”
“i know that now.”
for a moment, neither of you speak. then she shrugs. “i just wanted to tell you.”
something warm settles quietly in your chest. all those years ago, you would've given anything to hear that someone noticed you. that you had occupied space in another person's memory.
“well,” you say softly, “hearing it now still makes me happy.”
her face brightens. “really?”
“really.”
you smile. “maybe we can be friends now.”
“yes,” she says immediately. “absolutely.”
by the time you've exchanged phone numbers, the knot in your chest feels strangely lighter.
across the room, jaehee watches you weaving through the crowd toward him.
“you made a friend?”
you hold up your phone. “i made a friend.”
his eyes widen dramatically. “wow.”
“don't start.”
“i'm just saying.” he reaches for your hand. “this is huge.”
you roll your eyes, but you let him intertwine your fingers anyway. “maybe you're rubbing off on me.”
“maybe.” he looks entirely too pleased with himself.
“don't get too popular.”
“why?”
“because then i'll have to start booking appointments.”
you groan. “you're really annoying.”
“that's not a no.”
“jaehee.”
he laughs when you bump your shoulder against his.
“besides,” you add quietly, “that’s impossible.”
his expression immediately turns serious. “yn, you can make as many friends as you want.”
“that’s not what i meant.”
“then what did you mean?”
for a moment, you simply look at him—at the boy who greeted you every morning, the boy who stood in the rain because losing you was never an option, the boy who taught you that being seen and being loved were not the same thing, but somehow gave you both anyway.
your fingers squeeze his hand.
“i meant,” you say softly, “how could i ever go a day without you?”
everything around you seems to fade for a second, until there's only jaehee and you. that familiar blush creeps slowly into his ears, even now.
“you still do that,” you say.
“do what?”
“blush.”
he groans immediately. “yn.”
“it’s cute.”
“please stop.”
“never.”
he laughs despite himself, and suddenly you're seventeen again. sitting beneath a sky full of stars, watching a boy who everyone loved turn pink because you looked at him for a second too long. except now, neither of you have to wonder.
you don't have to imagine what he feels. you don't have to hope he'll find you in a crowd. you don't have to spend your days wishing for one more good morning.
because he's here, with his hand in yours and his smile brighter than ever.
when jaehee looks at you now, he doesn't look like he's searching. he looks like he's already found what he was looking for.
