as it was ✤ lee felix
word count: 4956
genre: angst, fluff
pairing: reader x lee felix
description: some people claim that it is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all. you and felix have known each other ever since middle school and if there is one thing he really loves about you... it is the fact that you refuse to lose.
part of Summertime's Special Collab with @catiuskaa | series masterlist here
It’s hard, losing what you once had and loved.
You think it’s the acceptance part that hurts the most. It’s the speeches and the fact that they are coming from anyone and everyone, but not the one person you want to hear it from. It’s the chin ups and you got this that makes you cringe. It’s the you’ll get through this, as if you’re doing it alone, and, really, you haven’t been alone since him.
God, you hate losing what you once had and loved, but above all, you hate losing in general. You hate change. You hate having to accept something just because it happened, as if the randomness and the messiness of the world around you has the right to dictate your fate without you being able to get a single word in. No. No this is not how it works, you refuse to let this be how it works.
You met Felix when you were in middle school, but your relationship only starts when you reach high school. You’re both fifteen and fumbly. It feels like a natural evolution from the friendship you two started ages ago, something all too natural for it to be the end all, be all of teenage-hood. It wasn’t until your first kiss, all stiff hands and awkward movements, that it dawned on you: Felix was your boyfriend. And you, in turn, were his girlfriend. It was a rush like no other, repeating that to yourself, and you still remember how you barely slept that night, bright eyed and wide smiles. You giggled and kicked your feet in the air, lips still tingling from the way his pressed against it, and it took you hours to stop remembering his face, all freckles and blushes, and how proud he looked.
People kept saying that college would be the hardest part. They said that you would be tested then, with new people and new situations. Maybe even new selves, if you were lucky enough to have one of those life-changing experiences that your parents always talked about with a far away look of nostalgia and longing for what once was. Truth be told, nothing really changed. You two still had friends, still went to parties, still graduated in different majors, and still, through it all, walked side by side, not wavering in your love for even a second. Because that was who you and Felix were: each other’s constants.
So why is it that now, when you two are closer than you’ve ever been, when you live together and share a routine… why is that now is the moment when you can feel him slipping through your finger?
Why now?
What changed?
Why did it change?
Too many questions make your brain dizzy, and for what feels like the hundredth time just that month, you wake up with a headache. The space next to you is empty and when your hand glides over the made side of the bed, it’s already cold and too perfectly fixed in place– if you hadn’t woke up when Felix got home last night, you would have wondered if he had come home at all. With a sigh, you get up and get ready for work. It’s all a part of this new routine you created, one that is meant for two people but has been carried by only one. Something is missing, when you think about it. Obviously, Felix is missing, but it’s more than that. It’s more than just him standing next to you. It’s more than just his smile and his touches and his rough morning voice telling you to be careful to not stub your toe in the bedside table like you do every morning. It’s more than his wild hair and his fresh baked goods and his nagging about how much coffee you’re consuming. It’s… it’s just more. There is more, there is so much more, but you’re too tired to try and figure out what. Looking around the empty house, you frowned, overwhelmed with the sudden need to cry. You still remembered the day Felix came up to you, excitedly waving a newspaper listing in your face.
“Babe, I swear it’s the perfect apartment– it’s our apartment!”
You just laughed, grabbing it from his hand to take a closer look. “Sweetheart, this is like, miles away! It’s close to the beach! You just got a job four blocks away and I’m starting at the office downtown–““The bus stop is a block away and it takes a grand total of thirty minutes for us to get up to the centre,” He smiled, proud that he knew you were going to find something to pick on. “What else?”
“Felix, have you even gone–“
“We have a visit scheduled in two days, and you can’t say you’re busy because you only start at your job next week!”
“Baby, I don’t know…”
“And you never will until you see it! But Y/N, I mean it, this is our home.”
There was something about the way he said it, the way his eyes twinkled with glee and his hand shook that goddamned piece of paper, that made you trust him. It made you trust him so much, in fact, that two days later, there you are, following a real state agent inside the apartment and listening to him rattle off some nonsense statistics about the ‘up and coming’ area.
Felix had always been an excited person. Everything, to him, was a reason to smile, and you loved that about him. You loved that even through the worst times of your life, he was right there, smiling through it but never demanding you to smile, too. He didn’t impose his happiness and didn’t ignore your pain, he simply existed in what seemed to be eternal bliss. You knew better than to fall for this utopian trap, though, and you knew that when he cried, it was during his long showers, when the noise of the water hitting the tiles would cover the tiny hiccups that escaped him. You knew that he got upset and resentful when he felt ignored or left out and that instead of speaking out, he’d simply go silent for a day or two. You knew Felix, better than anyone ever did, and he couldn’t fool you, as much as he tried.
This time there was no trick. He was truly happy. His smile reached his eyes and the freckles, peppered over his nose and cheeks, stretched with the way his cheeks pushed his eyes into the most adorable creases. “Baby, did you hear him? They have street parties and we could bring them brownies!” He gasped, coming closer to where you were crouched down checking the corners of the wood floor. “Y/N?”
“I heard him, sunshine,” You mumbled, eyes moving around the room with such careful precision that even the agent took a step back, gulping audibly at your sharp gaze. “That is very exciting. Let’s check the oven then, see if you can make those brownies to perfection.”
You hated to admit, but as hard as you tried, there was literally nothing wrong with the place. The fans worked perfectly, the walls had been newly painted, and both the kitchen and the bathroom had been renovated. It was something about how the last tenants destroyed the place before leaving and they had to redo everything. Besides it being a bit far away from your work, even the area seemed perfect– a bus stop thirty minutes away, two markets nearby, and an adorable high street just ten minutes north. And, of course, they had street parties and your wonderful boyfriend would be able to bake brownies and make friends.
It should’ve been the low, fixed price that drew you in. Should’ve been the offer of a rolling contract in such an incredible rent-controlled apartment or the fact that the neighbourhood was incredibly safe and family-oriented. Should’ve been the combination of all of the above, really, that sold you that freaking apartment.
But it wasn’t.
It was Felix.
It was the way he bounced in place as the agent slid a makeshift contract for you to go over.
It was the way he promised you that this was it– this was your home.
It was you both, waking up in that room, cooking breakfast in that kitchen, leaving to work through that door.
“You don’t mind the commute?” He gasped when you signed your name in the dotted line, more surprised to not hear a peep of complaint from you than to see you actually signing the contract. You were the brain of you two, but you never actually told him no. You just made him consider all his options when he got into his tunnel vision of happiness. It was the perfect balance in the perfect relationship.
And now, in the perfect apartment.
Weeks after you both move in, he surprises you with a used car that quickly becomes a staple in your relationship. A car you two share. His job is the furthest away from the house, so Felix drives you to work and picks you up after. He is the one that buys the groceries, and preps dinner, and cleans on Sundays. He takes care of the home in a way that you can’t, but then, so do you. Your chores are the less pleasant ones, but are the ones you actually prefer. You take the trash out, and you clean the bathroom, and you fix the clogged pipes. You are better with your hands than your heart, but it works. You guys work.
Or you guys worked.
Throughout the day, it’s like you have a ball stuck in your throat. If you try to speak, or if you let your mind wander– and you do, you let it wander and it always wanders to him– you will start crying. The box of tissues next to your computer is almost empty and you are tired of pretending that ‘it’s just allergies.’ Allergy season is long gone and you know you are not fooling anyone. “Y/N?”
Your head snaps up to look at your co-worker, a girl that has been there since you started and has always been more than nice towards you. “Yeah?” You mumble, clearing your throat and attempting a smile.
“Are you… are you okay? Work has been over for almost an hour but you’re still… here.”
You bite your tongue to stop the urge to bawl your eyes out. “I am waiting for my ride,” You chuckle a bit awkwardly. “So I thought I might as well get ahead with some of the things I need done by the end of the week.”
“Ah. I see. Do… Do you want a ride home? I don’t mind, I brought my own car and–“
“Thank you, but it’s okay,” Interrupting her is the only way to make yourself feel less pitiful. Now that you know Felix is an hour late, you can’t help but think the worst, and that always makes you panic. “I uh, I have to make a call. See you Monday?”
She just waves you off before walking away. The noise of the door shutting behind her brings you back to life and you are launching yourself to your phone, knocking a picture frame you’ve had perched on your desk since day one. The rush to call Felix is real– he has never been this late before. Usually, you leave him a window of thirty minutes or so to get there; traffic could be a real bitch during rush hour and you know there is nothing he can do. But usually, he will text you. He will call you. Hell, he will send a fucking pigeon if he has to, but Felix would never leave you hanging in the wind.
His voice on the other side of the call is the only thing that makes you breathe easier. “Y/N?”
“Felix! Oh my god, Lix, babe,” You gasped, hand over your heart as you fall back on your chair. “Love, where are you?! I was so worried, oh my god, I love you, never scare me like this ever again, I’m so serious!”
“What do you mean?” He sounds genuinely confused. “I’m at home.”
“Home? Felix, why are you home?”
“Why wouldn’t I be home?” It’s the way he sounds genuinely confused that makes you explode.
“Because you were supposed to pick me up, Felix! Like you do every fucking day!” You shout, eyes starting to tear up again and this time you do nothing to hold them back. You’re tired of holding back.
“Oh. Oh shit, I forgot… Y/N, I forgot! I can come pick you up right now, I–“
“Don’t bother.”
“No, no, I can come, you need a ride.”
You do need a ride.
Technically, Felix is not wrong.
Technically, Felix never wanted to hurt you.
And yet, he has. Again and again and again, Felix has hurt you in ways you never thought he would.
It’s not like you two never fight. Any couple, as good as they are, fight. It’s a need, even if it’s small and barely there; it’s what pushes a relationship forward when partners feel stuck and frustrated. When you fight with Felix, you tell him things that, otherwise, you just… wouldn’t. It’s not the best way to voice something out and having open conversations is always your preferred method of resolving conflict, but you don’t live in an ideal world and you are far from having an ideal relationship. But the truth of the matter is that ideal or not, this is your relationship and nothing, no matter what it is or how pressing it us, is more important than the beautiful balance you and Felix work so hard to keep.
Or at least, used to work so hard to keep.
As of late, you are just not sure anymore. From waking up early and leaving without saying goodbye to forgetting to pick you up, it just feels like that the more you let it go, the more you stay quiet and say nothing, the more you are simply letting Felix push you away. The worst part is that you simply don’t know why he’s pushing you away. You don’t know if it’s work keeping him busy, or if something is happening with his friends, or if it’s something entirely, but what you do know is that you’ve done nothing to create tension between you two and… and you know you can’t continue to do nothing to fix it.
Stray tears silently fall down your cheeks when you hear the jingle of keys on the other side of the call. This is the most effort Felix has put into your relationship for the past few months and admitting that, even if to just yourself, breaks your heart in half. “I need–” But you pause.
You don’t know what you need.
There is an answer at the tip of your tongue– I need things to be as they were– but that’s not true. That’s not the right answer and you know; you know because it leaves a numb kind of pain in your chest, like someone is piling stones on your chest, daring you to take a deep breath and watch it all crumble. You’re so tired of walking on eggshells, so tired of being unsure of what to say when you know that there was a time in which you could say anything and his eyes would shine so bright with joy.
“I need to sleep. I need to sleep it off and I need… I need you to stay home.”
“No, no, I can come pick you up, it’s no pro–“
“I know you can,” Your voice cuts through the phone so aggressively you need to take a deep breath. You had never dealt well with loss, and as much as you haven’t lost him yet, it surely feels like you are in the turbulent and painful process of it all. “But I need you to stay home. Do you understand? I need… I need space. I need, fuck Felix, I need… I need my best friend.” Whimpering, you hiccup, finally breaking the dam you’ve built around your hurting heart all this time. There is no holding back anymore. “I need my best friend and I need my boyfriend and I need to understand, Lix, cause I don’t! I don’t understand and I don’t know what’s going on but I’m so nervous and anxious all the time, and I just need…”
A sniffle. You hear a sniffle on the other side of the phone and you know that he’s crying. Felix has always been more emotional than you. He cries easily and he’s not embarrassed about it, not like you are. When Felix cries, you hug him, no matter what made him cry, no matter what you are feeling; you give him your shoulder to cry on, and you remind him, again and again, that you are not going anywhere.
This time, you can’t do that.
“I need to call my mom. I’ll uh, I’ll go sleep over hers tonight and we can talk tomorrow or… or whenever you’re free, I guess.”
“Y/N, I’m sorry.”
“Yeah, me too. I got to go, but… I lo-love you.” The way you choke on your words scare you.
Even the first time you told Felix you loved him, as a friend and as something much more than that, you never stuttered.
You never hesitated.
“…and I know I’ve been playing since like, forever, but it’s not my fault the game is hard! It’s so hard, baby, and the guys won’t stop teasing me because I’m bronze,” He groaned, body falling on your bed in such a dramatic attempt to get your attention that you couldn’t leave him hanging.
Putting your school homework aside, you scooted closer to him. And then you paused.
Felix had just dyed his hair blonde for the first time and he had gotten in trouble with the principal, but he looked good. It suited him, the light colour; made it look almost like there was a constant halo shining around his face, framing his smile with pure sunshine and heavenly light. In your eyes, he was an angel. Always has been, and it showed through his actions more than his words. It was in the way he always put others before him, and how his friends were always his top priority. It was in the gentle way he took care of Jisung when he wasn’t feeling all that bright, or how he was quick to reassure Chan that he was doing good. It was in how he worked out with Changbin, despite his hatred for gyms, and how he teased Minho and Seungmin for their inane grumpiness, all to just see those precious, rare smiles they shone to no one else but Felix himself. It was in how he took care of Jeongin like an older brother, and how he was always there for you, reminding you to take breaks and look around you. Reminding you that there was life beyond school and jobs and expectations.
Felix was your reminder that life waited for no one, but he would always wait for you.
“Y/N, I can’t be any more clear here,” He grumbled, moving until his head was laying on your thigh. Looking down at him with raised brows, he sighed. “I want you to give me attention.”
“I am giving you attention, Lix,” You say, smiling when you slowly push your fingers through his hair. It feels drier than normal, but it’s still one of the best feelings in the world, especially when his eyes fall shut and that familiar blush spreads through his freckles.
“I want more,” His voice is barely above a whisper now. “I want all your love and attention.”
“You got it all,” It’s like you’ve zoned out. Your eyes stuck on his face, memorising all the little things you missed when he’s not in front of you, tracing his features with your free hand like you were tracing a secret path you never want to forget. “You got all my love and attention, Felix. I love you.”
The way his body reacted to your words was almost comical. You can’t help rolling your eyes at his expression though– all big eyes and gaping mouth. “What did you just say?”
As much as you tried to play it cool, there was no lying to Felix, not when he could read you like a book and quote dialogues he committed to memory. “Felix, I tell you I love you all the time!” And you really did– you’ve done it for a long, long time now, but this time it was different. You both knew it was different, and for a second, you just stared at each other.
“But not like this,” He whispered, refusing to break eye contact with you. Right there and then, in your old childhood room, still wearing your high school uniforms, you two had just created a bubble– a little world no one else was welcome in besides you both and in there, in that safe and cosy space, lived all the emotions, all the doubt, all the insecurities that two teenagers in love carried around hidden in their sleeves. In the bubble, though, you don’t need to hide anything.
“Yeah, well,” You looked down at your hands, getting a bit antsy now that it had been a while and he wasn't saying anything. “I love you like this now. So, yeah.”
“Y/N, look at me.” You shook your head at his request. “Come on, babe, look at me.”
His fingers hooked under your chin, raising your gaze to meet his and he’s way closer than before, lips brushing against yours when he gently kissed you. It’s a chaste kiss, similar to the ones you two would share in the early beginnings of your relationship. And just like then, your heart sped up, inhaling sharply when he said– “I’ve loved you like this since always.”
Safe to say, you don’t sleep that night.
You wish you could say it was because you’re not used to sleeping alone, but recently, that is all you have been used to. The absence of Felix.
You don’t sleep because you can’t stop crying. Your mother did her best, like always, to try and calm you down, but she is not used to this– she is not used to the woman you’ve become when she left you at your campus just a teenager. Her best advice, however, is everlasting, and it just makes you cry even more. “I think… I think you need to talk to him. He’s the only one that can give you any kind of answer, sweetheart. He’s your best friend and he knows you better than anyone. Felix would never do anything to hurt you, you know that Y/N. Just talk to him.”
That’s how you end up there, at the beach just a quick walk away from your apartment. You haven’t called him yet, and in all honesty, you’re quite scared to do so. As confrontational as you are in your day to day, confronting Felix is a whole other thing. He gets that stunned look in his face, and his eyes shine with unshed tears. He cries out of guilt, and not because whatever you are talking about is his fault, but just because he will always fault himself when something shifts out of place. He tried to be good like that, refusing to let you share blame and taking it all to himself. And it doesn’t matter how many times you tell him to not do that, to let you face the mistakes you make as a couple next to him, he doesn’t; because Felix would rather hurt himself, than make you hurt.
“Y/N.”
It’s a bit of a pathetic scene, the one he catches you in. You are wearing some old clothes you still had at your mother’s, and they don’t fit all that well, but it’s better than staying in your office clothes all night long. If you are not wrong, the sweatpants you’re wearing belong to no one other than the man behind you, from the old times when he used to sleep over on the weekends. The t-shirt is your mom’s and it has a tacky, self-help saying in the front that you don’t even dare to read, your hair is a bird’s nest, and you have your heels next to you, naked feet buried in the sand. But none of it matters. Not to him.
“What are you doing here?”
“I was taking a walk and I saw you,” You don’t have to look back to know he’s awkwardly swaying back and forth, unsure if he should come to you or not. It’s crazy how accurately you can picture him in your mind.
Sighing, you move your heels to the space between your legs, giving him the unspoken permission he needs to come sit by you. “Y/N, I’m sorry.”
Just as you predicted, he is quick to apologise. He is always quick to apologise, but it confuses you a little in this instance. “What are you sorry for, Felix?”
“Don’t–“ The frustrated sigh he let out is so guttural that it makes you jump a little, head snapping to look at him. “Don’t shut down again.”
“Felix, I’m not shutting down, I–“
“No, you are! You are shutting down because that’s what you always do! You panic, and then you wait until things pass over, and when they don’t, you shut down, and I don’t want you to shut down because I don’t want you to give up on us!”
“Give up on us?!” Your blood is boiling now, and you turn to look at him with an enraged expression. “You gave up on us! You’re the one that disappeared in the mornings, and never came home during the fucking weekends, and that was late for dinners, and that forgot to pick me up!” The more you speak, the higher your voice gets, sounding so scratchy that you can’t even stand it anymore. But that doesn’t stop you– it doesn’t stop you from screaming and crying and shaking. It doesn’t stop you from fighting, because no matter what he does or doesn’t do, you don’t think you can ever stop fighting for you two. “You forgot about me! How could you forget about me?! We live together and and– and oh my god Felix, why did you forget about me?”
By the end of your speech, you’re panting, trying to breathe through the panic. Now that you’ve said it, it sounds so… real. So true.
You refuse to look at him. As soon as you see the tears in his eyes, you’ll forget everything else and open your arms to him. If you do that now, then you are no better than the people that resign their love, the ones that would rather not fight, and therefore, rather not fix.
“I… I thought you were tired of me.”
“Excuse me?”
“You… I don’t know, it wasn’t anything you’ve done, but I just– I– I thought I was losing you, Y/N. We’ve been together for almost ten years. A decade! And every day is like… like the best day of my life. But… But I got scared. I was afraid you were tired of me, so I tried to give you some space. Some moments at home for you to enjoy some peace and quiet, have a nice bath, go out with your co-workers. I didn’t want to suffocate you, Y/N, that’s all, but I guess I took it too far, and I’m really sorry, I didn’t mean to. I really didn’t mean to, you have to believe me. I couldn’t sleep knowing I forgot to pick you up because I was too in my head, baby…”
It’s hard to stay angry at him when he’s being oh so honest. You’ve had your moments before– the days where being next to him felt so heavy and hard because you just couldn’t fathom why he was still with you. Why wasn't he bored, or tired, or annoyed of the little things you did. Why did he keep smiling and laughing like your jokes were new. But even in your worst days, you never wanted space. You will never want space. In fact, this was the first time you have asked him for it, and even then, it just didn’t feel right. “Felix, why would I be tired of you? I love you. I… I love you in all ways I can love you. You’re not just my boyfriend, Lix. You’re my oldest friend, my best friend, and, and you know, the guy I hope will be my forever. I could never get tired of you.”
“I love you too,” He shifts forward, forehead resting against yours. His sniffling makes you smile. “I love you so much, always have.”
“I know, so please… never make me doubt it again,” With a peck to his lips, you wipe your face dry and get up, holding your shoes in one hand and extending the other one for him.
“I never will,” He swore, squeezing your hand as you walked back home. “I’ll be better, I promise. We’ll be like we were in the blink of an eye, you’ll see!”
“No, sweetheart, it’s not about going back to how it was,” You say, shaking your head with a knowing smile. “It’s about building something much, much better from here on out.”
-------------------------------------
aaaaaahhhhh I'm so excited for this collab! the amazing @catiuskaa already posted Minho's story and you should all go check it out >.< It's in the masterlist tagged above! I hope you all have as much fun reading this as we do writing it <3
