I'm a multi-fandom writer focusing mainly on Stray Kids and Criminal Minds right now, but my works expand to GOT7 and BTS too! From series to one shots, I do it all >.<
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Currently working on:
✧ a muted shade of green series (Criminal Minds!Spencer Reid)
✧ summertime's special series (Stray Kids collab with @catiuskaa)
“The thing about idols is that we don’t have to commit a crime or do something that’s controversial for people to blow little things out of proportion and judge us. I could never understand the mentality of those people.”
pairing: reader x fallen guardian angel!kim seungmin
description: No one really knows how many times, exactly, he has been in your life. It’s not like there is a tally somewhere in the ether of the beyond. No one really cares, either. No one but him.
[inspired by ITZY's song, 'Imaginary Friend': https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LvwTmj1nY9s]
stray kids masterlist
You don’t know a lot of things in this life.
You don’t know a lot of things like theoretical physics or what hides within the depths of the sea. You don’t know what awaits for you in the next five minutes, the next five years, or the next five lives. You don’t know why things are the way they are or how they came to be.
Yeah, you don’t know a lot of things, and you might not even know you don’t know them…
But you are okay with that.
There is comfort in ignorance, you think. Comfort in the simplicity of your averageness, never excelling yet never really failing. Your life is the sweet middle, and you are naive enough to bask in it. There is nothing wrong with doing so, not really, but it’s a little bit stupid when you try to conceptualise it – it’s almost like you have no drive beyond instant gratification, like the future is not something you can visualise. You live for the present and you can’t really explain why. For as long as you can remember, it has always been like that. Sometimes, you try to imagine what a different life would be like, a life where you want things that’ll take time to come to you, a life where waiting if worth it and where you don’t live like today is your last day. Thos lives make you laugh; they seem so boring that you usually just let it go and continue on with whatever it was that you are doing.
After all, you only really have today, right?
There’s no way to know what the future has in store for you… right?
Wrong.
You don’t know what awaits for you in the next five lives, but he does.
Seungmin always knows when it comes to you.
You are, after all, his biggest pride. And his biggest punishment.
And yet, he doesn’t have the heart to tell you. Though, if asked, some would say that maybe he has too much heart to tell you. But let’s not get stuck on technicalities, none of it matter when the clock hits the mark and you both are forced to start it all over again. You won’t remember and you’ll begin anew. Him… He remembers every single you he’s ever met.
One time, you were in a dress so dated that nowadays it would be considered a costume. Your hair was longer and wilder, much to the times fashion, and your smile was impeccable. The sun shone bright while you strolled around the village, modestly glancing at people around you as they said hello, an they always said hello; even back then you were adored by most, indifferent to few, and hated by none. He had never let you be hated.
Another time you were a big hater of dresses, adoring the new discovery of feminine pantaloons. You were a handful, this time around; filled with energy for protesting systematic injustice, smoking in public with bright red lipsticks that left halos of ruby around cigarette butts all over the ground, undoing and throwing your bra over electric lines to be one more in the crowd that decided to put their foot down and make a change.
If you ask him, he doesn’t have a favourite, but the one he thinks about the most is your current self. Maybe that’s because he’s also his current self, and so that is the you he interacts with the most, but then again, has he ever really changed? Unlike you, nothing restarts for him. Nothing begins again. Everything is just one big life for him, and yet, he’s lucky to have you again and again, even if he knows it’s just a matter of time until you have to begin again.
“Why do you look so sad?”
Your voice is sweet, and it never fails to make him smile. He has his back to you, sitting down on one of the few tables you usually have to fight teeth and nail to get in your favourite cafe, and he can’t help but shiver a little with how your words brush the shell of his ear. “That’s just my resting face.”
“Ah, how could I forget? Instead of resting bitch face, you have resting miserable face,” You giggle, arms going around him for a hug and a kiss. Every time your lips touch his, Seungmin forgets all about his life and he dives straight into yours – he exists for the first time then, kisses you for the first time, holds you for the first time. Every life is different, every you is new. “You’re lucky you look hot when you’re miserable.”
That makes him scoff, getting up to let you sit on his chair while he moves to the one across the table. “Stop being freaky and tell me what was so important that you needed to see me here ten minutes before my class.”
You just shrug. “I had a bad dream.”
Oh, he heard that before. Many times. It makes him freeze in place, these words; makes him scared. This phrase marked the beginning of the end. With no exception.
It starts like this. An intimate meeting, a warm hello, and you, telling him you’ve had a bad dream. Something involving him, something involving death, or abandon, or disappointment. It involves a life without him – if the gods are merciful it’s a dream about his funeral; if they are bored, it’s a dream about his absence. You never get used to this life, and you suffer for eternity. It’s almost comical, how your bad dreams are always of his reality…
From here on out, you don’t have much time. A day. A month. A year. A decade. Seungmin doesn’t know, but he knows it will never be enough.
Lingering is a waste of time, so he doesn’t get stuck like he did on your second existence. He doesn’t cry like he did on your sixth, or gets angry like he did on your twentieth. He doesn’t scream like did on your twenty-first, and doesn’t disappear like he did on your fortieth. He simply accepts, like he has done from existence number eighty seven, and holds your hand tight. “And what, pray tell,” Seungmin mocks, a fond smile playing on his lips as he repeated the words he’s spoken more times than he could pretend not to count. “Was this dream about?”
You start narrating a story, almost, and it’s one he knows well deep in his heart. You see him in the end of a street or a block or a corridor and you wave. He doesn’t wave back. You call his name. He doesn’t turn to look at you. You try again, but all he focuses on is something behind you. You turn around, there’s nothing behind you. He turns around, his back to you as he starts walking down and away. You try to run after him, but it’s like you’re running in place. This lasts for years, and years, and years. You feel yourself grow old, wrinkled, tired, but he just continues walking away.
“Wow. You truly need to go to therapy.” The joke lands like it does every time – you chuckle and roll your eyes, but you don’t miss how he squeezes your hand. “Come on. Let’s go to class, or I’ll never graduate.”
That’s a lie, but then again, he lies to you pretty much all the time. Throughout his life, Seungmin had completed pretty much all courses he could think of – Law, Literature, Psychology, Medicine – and now he’s facing his true challenge, Engineering. Maybe this time around, he has decided to torture himself from start to end, rather than let it come later when you nightmares do.
“I don’t want to go to class,” You groan, head falling onto his shoulder while you walk. It makes it for an awkward walk to class, but you don’t seem to care so he doesn’t care either. Instead, he turns his head from time to time to drop a kiss over your hair. Your hands are intertwined and they swing between you mainly because you like it when they go back and forward and back and forward and back and– “I’m pretty sure the professor is the one making me have bad dreams.”
“I doubt that, but just to test your theory, why don’t you come sleep over at mine today? Felix is cramming overnight at his girlfriend’s for their Bio test and we will have the dorm all to ourselves.” There is a wink at the end of his words and you swat his chest like you’re not blushing like crazy. Years, decades, centuries, millenniums, lives together, and you still blush like a school girl in every single one of them. He loves it in each of them. “I’ll make sure the nightmares don’t come for you.”
“My big protector,” God, he loves when you say that. “See you after class?”
“See you after class,” And the way he kisses you is almost like you won’t.
——————————
By the time you make it to Seungmin’s dorm, the sun is almost gone. You admittedly lose track of time easily, like you’ve always had an issue conceptualising it. An hour and a day are the same for you if you’re having fun or if you’re lost in thought… and you’re almost always lost in thought.
Felix might not be home, but you see pieces of him everywhere. The gaming console your boyfriend pretends not to use, the grey hoodie throw over the couch, the brownies in a pretty plate with a sign ‘for Y/N only!’ His friends have adopted you from the moment you walked into their dormitory, treating you like their own, and you love them with your big, big heart. But you have to admit that having the apartment for you two to have some time alone is everything you probably need and just don’t know.
“Bub, I got you the fries from the place down the road you like!” You announce, entering the place like you own it. “And I got you the Oreo milkshake because I’ve been dying to try it, but I was too scare to make that my only choice and hate it, so I got myself a vanilla milkshake and you get the Oreo milkshake so I can try it and love it.”
That gets a reaction out of him – a deep laughter coming from the bathroom. “You are a menace,” He shouts over the shower, putting his head out the door. “I’m almost done here!”
“Oooooooh, can I join?” You ask with a teasing smile, but even as you say it, you don’t really stop pulling the plates and cups from the cabinets in the kitchen. You’ve been dating Seungmin for longer than you can remember and he doesn’t really blame you anymore whenever you forget anniversaries – I don’t know what it is, bub, but it’s like the details are so fuzzy! He knows why, though he’ll never tell you… he’ll never tell you that centuries and centuries of anniversaries weigh on your brain like the Great Wall of China. In fact, he’ll never tell you a lot, just like he’ll never tell you why, even after all these years together, he’ll never shower or swim with you. Or why he’ll never stay shirtless for long around you. Or why he flinches anytime someone brushes against his back.
He’ll never tell you about his wings. It’s not a topic he likes talking about, anyways.
“Sorry, pup, I was almost done,” He still says when he comes out, towelling his hair off before it drips down his hoodie and all over the floor. His breath fans over the back of your neck when he leans down to kiss it and you giggle. “You need to work on your timing.”
“Send me a text next time you’re about to shower and I’ll run over,” You promise, like always.
There is comfort in your predictability; in the knowledge that this is truly you, the one he has met again and again and again. But there is sadness, too. Sadness in the recognition of some phrases, some patterns. Seungmin is smart and when it comes to you, he applies that intelligence like it’s nothing. It’s easy for him to recognise some key events that mark your timeline: the first hello, all airy and breathless; the first date, always accidental and always ending at your place (you also make a point of always telling him you don’t usually do this on first dates!); the first sleepover, the first fight, the first nightmare. It’s odd to call them firsts but for you, it’s all new, and he wants to honour the you you are now rather than keep thinking about the old ones.
“Tough chance,” You jump when he pokes you at the waist, turning around to face him with his plate of fries and ketchup ready. “Is that for me?”
“It certainly isn’t for me, do you see this mountain of ketchup?” You laugh, pushing him and the plate towards the couch. “Now sit down and play your games while I finish my Chem homework.”
“If you let me, I can help you,” Seungmin says but he sits down and starts the game regardless.
“I don’t need your help, you freak of nature. It’s unfair that you are good at every single subject in the world while us mortals work hard and burn our neurones for passing grades.”
There was a time in which video games didn’t exist and you’d beg him to sign to you instead. You’d pick up all your skirts, the ruffling of fabric rubbing on fabric until you’re able to get comfortable and lay down next to him, and then you’d look at him in that way only you do and you’d say: can you sing to me, bub? I don’t like the silence. It’s a shame to lose that to insignificant beeps and bops, but sometimes, late at night or while you’re cooking dinner, he’ll hum you a melody anyways. Just for the sake of it, just for the love of it…
“Hey, bubby?” Seungmin immediately pulls his headset down, looking at you with those big, round eyes of his. “…I’m sorry I called you a freak of nature.”
That makes him laugh, head back and all. “Y/N, I know, baby. You call me a freak of nature once a week and then always apologises after.”
“I just don’t want to unknowingly crush your confidence!”
“That is a hard feat, but thank you anyways,” Reaching for your hand, he kisses your knuckles. “I love you.”
“I love you more.” It’s not really a competition… but if it was he’d win solely by his actions.
After all, many angels have fallen in love.
But it’s not that many that have literally fallen because love.
In fact, he only knew of one angel before him who had the displeasure of feeling his wings burn down on the way to Earth. And that turned out to be the King of Hell himself.
Of course you don’t know about any of this. The most you know about Lucifer is from the Netflix hit show and it is because, and he quotes, Lucifer is hot. It’s been a cannon event to your storyline that you’ve never grown up religious, but then again, it’s part of the rules. Those with guardian angels are not supposed to be connected to the Higher world, ironically enough. Those that pray and believe are already protected by their god or their gods, but those that are not open to something unimaginable… they are the ones that need protection. The ones in danger of corruption and temptation. The ones in danger of damnation.
Seungmin would be damned himself before letting you go down that road.
“Min, can we go to sleep?”
Your voice snaps him out of his game and he nods, putting the control down in a second. He knows you can hear Changbin’s shouts through the headset, but he doesn’t really care much – you’ve started your nightmares, meaning he’s about to get as clingy as possible. This is the start of the end and it pains him to think about it this way, but it’s the only way he can think about it. “Yeah, let’s go to sleep. I promised you I’d keep the nightmares away.”
Seungmin has never been able to chase your nightmares away. They still exist, still loom over you like warning crows, but he doesn’t let them touch you; instead, he takes them for himself.
It’s a weird thing to do, to steal someone’s nightmares. These are not his fears and they shouldn’t feel as shattering as they do whenever he wakes up. But something about the thought of you having to put up with these alone – these images of himself hurt, dead, missing; and always of himself, because he knows that the god you were assigned but never prayed to is warning you. It’s a warning to both of you that this is what’s coming, Seungmin all alone and you, somewhere in the world without him.
He hates the thought of you somewhere in the world without him… but he knows he doesn’t have to worry about that. Even when this ends, it will just start again. And again. And again.
——————————
“Seungmin!”
You screech his name in such a feral way that he almost trips in the middle of the street.
“SEUNGMIN!”
It reminds him of a time, one of the many, centuries ago, when your hair was longer and your eyes shone brighter. It was an early life of yours, maybe the sixth or seventh, back when the times still required women to be submissive and silent. Except, you have never been submissive and silent in your life – even when etiquette demanded it. Instead, you were a hurricane of frills and laces, running down the street with a smile so bright you could barely contain yourself. You had news, that much was clear – it still is clear – but back then, instead of the comfortable New Balances he had gifted you for Christmas you wore flats. Instead of running through campus, you ran through a field of flowers. But you always, always ended up in his arms.
“Ooomphhh!” His air is knocked out of his lungs when you jump on him, but he still doesn’t let you fall. “Jesus Christ, Y/N, what on Earth…?”
“I passed!”
That confuses him. “Passed…? Passed what?” Midterms were gone for a while and finals are not for another month.
“My driving test! I passed, I got my license!”
That makes him freeze.
“You… What?”
You had never gotten you license before. Ever since cars came about, ever since women could get their hands on the wheel… you’ve always said it wasn’t for you. Even this time around you’ve told him driving just isn’t worth the hassle, just earlier in the year. And sure, some events change; some are unique to specific timelines, like the time you broke your arm falling off of a horse, or the time you got hit by a cyclist trying to cross the road to get to the ice cream van. But other events, like getting your license, are a core part of who you are.
Every human has a core timeline, events that make them who they are. Some people, it’s early in their lives – a childhood event that changes who they are forever – or it can be later on, when they are grown and the changes feel a thousand times harsher; a death, a closure, a new beginning.
Not getting a license is part of yours. Has always been. He always made jokes about it whenever you’d come to him crying, in all lives and all times – it’s okay darling, you are the perfect passenger princess anyways.
“My license! Remember? Chan has been teaching me how to drive for the past three months, how do you not remember?!” Your pout snaps him back to reality. “Seungmin!”
“I remember,” He mumbles, but it’s the kind of lie that is so stark that even you know it’s a lie. “I remember! Congratulations! I’m so proud of you, pup, so, so proud.”
“Then why do you look so pale?” Your laughter echoes even through the loud chatter of passersby. “I promise I’m good, I won’t run anyone over.”
“I’m not worried about that,” The vagueness of his words is enough to have you engaging in some other topic of conversation, yapping about the lasted gossip in your friend group.
Something’s not right. Seungmin can feel the change in the force around you two, but above all, he can feel the itching on his back.
The scars run from the edges of his shoulders to the bottom of his shoulder blades. It doesn’t look healed, but he only knows that because he doesn’t feel healed; Seungmin, as much as he can, avoids looking at the bodily reminder of his fall from grace. It’s not pretty, and he can’t offer you anything but pretty. He can’t offer you anything but perfect. But it’s hard being perfect when God itself – whichever version of it – has put a target on his back.
“I uh, have to… go,” Seungmin mumbles, rubbing his sweaty palms against his thighs. “I have to go make sure Felix– he said he needed help with… with something. I have to go.”
The worst part about falling from grace isn’t losing his wings, it’s getting human emotions. Angels don’t feel much besides love, as it is simply not their nature to do so – God’s intentions when creating these beautiful, fierce creatures was not create companionship but to create an army. These soldiers follow the word of the Lord, and not the one that humans like to attribute to him, but the actual word of the Lord of Heaven. They are the gatekeepers of eternity, the ones that fight for people to exist as their freewill allows, unburdened and free from the corruption that so easily threatens to find them.
However, the corruption found Seungmin instead. Love is was all he felt before and love is all he feels now, but it’s different. It’s stronger, harder almost. It’s not the same constant sensation that it was before; it’s a feeling now, an emotion that goes up and down and up and down and up and up and up up up. You only take him up, right after you made him fall. He doesn’t blame you, though. Never has and never will. Human emotions might not be the most comfortable for someone so comfortable with continual sureness, but you? You are the high he never thought he’d get, keeping him afloat even when he feels hopeless.
And right now he feels pretty damn hopeless.
“Now?!” You pout, arms locking around him in a way that makes him almost suffocate. It’s not really you or your hug – usually he’d describe those as heavenly and he would know – but more the situation. Your core timeline is something he’s memorised centuries ago. He has compared every single life he’s lived with you and he knows what is an actual event and what is a consequence of the times you’re living… and this, this is not an event. This is not supposed to be happening because driving has been around for longer than he’d like to admit and you’ve never passed before.
“Uh, y-yeah, I have to go now, I–“ There it is, human emotion. His lower lip trembles a little and his eyes water, and never has Seungmin been so thankful for the height difference between you two. His head tilts back, a failed effort to keep it in. “Sorry pup, I have to go. I’ll see you tonight, love you!”
——————————
The worst part of it all is that there is no real place where Seungmin can go to find any information on what the fuck is actually happening. Despite Hollywood making fallen angels look like best friends that go through it together, Seungmin didn’t know of anyone who had done it before. At least not anyone whom he could reach out to.
So instead, he does the next best thing.
The church is empty when he arrives. It’s the same one he usually goes whenever he feels like repenting, not that it would ever matter. Bizarrely, it almost feels like self-imposed torture, stepping into the house he once guarded over, and he is hit with a feeling of nostalgia that is not new, but it’s something he never really got used to.
“I wondered when you were coming back.”
Seungmin smiles weakly. “Hello, Father.”
“Hello, Seungmin.”
From the first moment he stepped inside that place, Seungmin was sure Father Yang knew who he was. Mainly because throughout the lives, priests and priestesses have always been able to see him. Well, everyone is able to see him, but they can see him.
“What troubles you, Messenger of God?” Father Yang asks, sitting down at the pew with a gentle gesture to have Seungmin join.
The feeling of the wood beneath him makes him falter, eyes slowly closing shut with a pained expression crossing over him. Memories come back like punishment – surely a touch of rightfulness coming from the Big Guy himself – and he feels his scars flutter with that painful after-burn that leaves his back sore and sensitive. “I’ve long stopped being His messenger, Father.”
“And yet, you seek solace at his place of worship.”
Seungmin chuckles, shaking his head before speaking. “Something’s wrong,” He whispers, voice a little wobbly and unstable. “Something’s wrong, Father, and I– I was wondering if you knew anything about it.”
“What is going on?”
“Y/N,” Like a punch to the lungs, Seungmin exhales a shaky breath. “She got her license. In all lives, she… she fails her driving test. It’s a part of her core timeline, and as insignificant as it might seem, it’s one of the few events that resurface without drastic consequences. It– It’s always been my favourite event.”
“Why?” Father Yang asks, sitting back with the composure of a man who had nowhere else to be. “Out of all events, out of all the lives… why is her failure your favourite?”
“It’s not about her failure,” Seungmin immediately corrects, head shooting up with wide, guilty eyes. “I would never celebrate her failing, Father. It’s what happens after she fails that I love. In all lives since the invention of the car, whenever Y/N fails her driving test, she comes to me. I’m the first person to know.”
“And did that change? Were you not the first person to know she passed?”
“I don’t know, I think I was but…” Seungmin almost has to force the words out, cheeks blushing a little when a tear slips down his cheek. Then another. Then another. Then another and another and another until he’s sobbing quietly. “B-But I’d get her chocolate cake. A-And we-we hug and s-sway around un-until she felt better. And then we-we’d fall asleep, a-after she’d make me pro-promise to drive her everywhere.”
Happiness. Anger. Rage. Guilt. Need. Desire. Hatred. Out of all the human emotions he had been injected with, the one he loathes the most is this one: fear. Sadness can sometime take over, make it feel like there is nothing else in him because of how it covers his heart like a tent, but it’s when the sadness fades that fear sneaks in. He’s vulnerable and fragile, as much as he hates whenever you call him fragile, and it comes before he can even try and stop it. Usually, it’ll come when he’s laying in bed, room dark and cold and empty – it’s one of the rare nights you’re sleeping in your own dorm because of an early class or test or study group, and you’ve left him on his own. He pouts all the time, but you’re not there to see it, so what does it even matter? And then he feels it; the cold touch of fear in his chest. His heart is the target, but the chill comes from his bloodstream, circulating through his body like it wanted to kill him slowly, limb by limb, rather than giving him a merciful end.
Seungmin instinctively reaches for his chest, fingers pressing into the divot between his pectorals as if trying to reach inside his ribs to press and pump his heart manually. “The core timeline is c-changing,” He says again, doing his best to breathe like he’s supposed to. “And I don’t know what that means. And I can’t keep her safe if I don’t know what is going on, Father.”
There is such a heavy silence hanging in the air that Seungmin can’t help but tug on the neckline of his sweatshirt, making space for air to circulate one way or another.
“Seungmin,” The way Father Yang calls his name is almost reverent and it echoes through the empty church like a bell calling out to the faithful. “You are no longer a Guardian Angel. Protecting Y/N is not your job anymore.”
The words, so simple and obvious, cut through him like a knife, and Seungmin feels his body alight with anger. “Protecting Y/N will always be my job.” His voice comes out harsh, as if the thought of not being her guardian filled him with everything that made him fall. With everything that made him sin. “And I wouldn’t change that for the fucking world.”
“You can see it as your privilege to protect her, Seungmin, but it’s no longer your job,” Father Yang says, hand gingerly hovering over the man’s back before patting him on the shoulder instead. “Seungmin. Seungmin, this… this is no longer an obligation. This isn’t something you have to do from afar and in secret anymore. It’s no longer an order. Don’t you see? You can protect her because you love her, not the other way around.”
“Because Guardians love all,” Father Yang nodded. “But now, you don’t have to love everyone. You can just love her. You can love her and be annoyed at her and get angry at her and miss her. Seungmin, you are missing the point.”
“What is the point?! Her timeline is shifting, her–“
“The point is that she is no longer the only thing that matters!” The joy in the priest’s voice seems misplaced – Seungmin doesn’t understand how you not being the centre of his universe is a good thing, and the mere suggestion of him shifting his attention somewhere else has him shifting uncomfortable. “Seungmin… you are now human. You–“
“That’s not what I’m here for!” He shouts, getting up so fast the wood creaks underneath him. “I’m not here for this introspective bullshit, I–“
Pain.
Blinding pain explodes all over his back and he falls to his knees. It’s almost religious, how he arches back in hopes to alleviate the building pressure there. The hand of God on his back had always been a heavy burden to bear, but back then, he took it willingly, proudly. Now this feels different; purposefully heavy, like a petty punch from a bully in pre-school. “I’m sorry,” Seungmin cried, falling forward on his elbows. Later, you will gasp at the state he comes home in – elbows bloody, hands scuffed, face puffed – but now, all he can think about is he’s failed. He’s failed you, he’s failed God, and somehow, he feels like he’s failing himself. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”
“It’s okay,” Father Yang assures him, kneeling next to the fallen angel with such sorrowful expression. “Seungmin, it’s okay. You have nothing to apologise for…”
“God is punishing me,” He wails, trying to get up from the cold, cold floor but failing every time. “He’s punishing me for my insolence. He’s–“
“Seungmin, God can’t punish you anymore.”
It takes a moment for his brain to process, but when it does, it’s like everything fades away; the pain, the cold, the guilt. And he’s just there, on a church, on the floor, crying but unsure why. “W-What…?”
“Seungmin, God can’t punish you anymore, son.”
The shock in his system is enough to reset him back into his own body. “But–“
“God doesn’t punish humans, Seungmin, he let’s them do it themselves. Freewill is a blessing, but it’s a curse in its own accord. What is happening is not God, it’s you. You aer torturing yourself, son, because you had an entire existence of perfection, but now… now you are as flawed as the next person, and that’s what makes you perfect… perfectly human. So stop punishing yourself.”
Takes a second for things to stop spinning. The weight on his back moves to his chest and it’s hard to breathe for a second there, body slowly crumbling onto the ground until he’s on his back. The marble floors are cold against his overheated skin but it feels good; the shock of sensations feel good. “I’m human,” Seungmin says, and it dawns on him that this is the first time he actually admitted it to himself. “I’m… I’m human.”
——————————
Seungmin doesn’t come home for a while. You’re worried and stressed and you’ve called Chan and Minho and Hyunjin more times than you’d like to admit. Never, in your years of relationship, had Seungmin gone AWOL. Usually your boyfriend would be texting you every hour ‘just because’ and the fact that he isn’t even picking up the phone makes your heart beat faster than what is considered medically safe. “Come on, Min, where are you?” You mumble from where you’re sitting – the couch is the perfect place to wait for him, perfectly angled to avoid the glare on the TV and consequently giving you the perfect view of the front door.
Felix doesn’t mind that you have a key to their dorm, but he does mind seeing you this distressed. “Y/N, I’m sure he’s okay,” He reassures you again, coming into the living room with one of Seungmin’s hoodies. You have been shivering for the better part of the hour and he’s not sure if it’s because of the chill in the air or if out of pure nerves. “It’s just 7:56pm, he should be walking through the door with takeout anytime now.”
“You don’t know that, Lix,” Once again, you’re biting your nails. It’s a habit Seungmin has been trying to help you kick, but times of extreme anxiety always push you back to it. “Something could’ve happened. He never disappears – remember during finals?! I called him because I needed pads and he picked up! In the middle of his test! And look,” Shoving your phone in the blonde’s face, you hold back panicked tears. “His location is off! He never turns his location off! What if he got run over by a car? Or, or a bus? Or what if he got stuck in an elevator and he doesn’t have any signal so he can’t call for help? Oh god, what if he’s angry at me?”
Felix just blinks at you. “What would he be angry about?”
“I don’t know! I told him I passed my driving’s license and I thought he’d be happier, but he got so… weird… and then he disappeared and–“
Unknown to you, Seungmin can hear you ranting from the other side of the door. He got there about five minutes ago, but all courage left his body the moment your wobbly voice made it through the walls. He knows that tone, and he hates that he’s the one that got you there – you and Seungmin had fought before, of course, but never to the point of making you cry; he always apologised before it got to that point.
He takes one last deep breath, looking at the box in his hands with intent before unlocking the door and stepping inside. “Pup–“
“Seungmin!” You shout, and as if on cue, all hell break’s loose. Felix loudly cusses out in relief and immediately starts asking questions, but you… you crumble. You cry so hard you’re hiccuping, and a panic alarm rings in his brain.
“Pup!” He gasps, rushing to you as fast as he can with Felix still shouting questions. He puts the box down on the centre table before reaching to tug her closer. “Baby, what’s going on?”
“W-W-Where were you?” You cry.
“I… I was out and–“
“I thought you were dead!” You wail, throwing yourself into his arms to hug him as close as possible. “You weren’t answering your phone and it’s ben hours, Seungmin! You should’ve called!”
No, he doesn’t like making you cry, but the way you worry about him and his safety makes his heart flutter. It’s so easy to see, how much you care for and about him, and every time you serve a reminder he can’t help but smile. Kissing the top of your head, he gently caresses your back, chuckling lightly at how your hands fisted the front of his shirt and refused to let him go. “I was just out and my phone died,” He whispers to you. “I’m so sorry I worried you, sweetheart, but I needed to get something before I could come home and the line was insanely long.”
Your cheeks are adorably blushed when you pull back to look at him. “God, you’re cute,” He mumbles, shivering when he realises no punishment came from using the name in vain. Seungmin thumbs your tears away, kissing your face all over.
“W-What did you get…?” Your shy words, like you don’t want to give into your natural curiosity, makes him smile.
“Well, I got something really special,” He whispers. Felix has calmed down now and is quietly watching you two in the corner, but Seungmin doesn’t mind – there is intimacy in the bubble he makes for the both of you with hushed words and sweet glances. “You passed your driving test and… and you might not need me to drive you around anymore, but uh, but I think we should keep up with the tradition.”
Realisation dawns on you like a veil and you immediately soften. In all his jokes and banter and witty comments, Seungmin is a man of habit. His routine is predictable and you love that about him; you love how he’s always felt… constant. Even on day one, it was like you’ve known him your whole life. No, even longer, if possible; you’re whole existence. And the more you grew together, the more you realised that there is a sensitivity to him he doesn’t really make obvious. It’s hidden behind the eye rolls and sarcastic comments, but you’ve seen it once and now you see it all the time.
How he will put toothpaste in your toothbrush and leave it waiting for you whenever you’re ready to go to bed.
Or how he’s always make sure his dorm is stocked with your favourite snacks.
Or how he will give you space when you feel overwhelmed even if it’s inherently against his own need for proximity at all times.
Seungmin, in the end of day, loves you.
Always has and always will.
“You got me chocolate cake,” You say, looking at the box he reaches towards with nothing short of love. “Baby…”
“I figured…” He chokes on emotion for a second, eyes closing as if waiting for the burning pain on his back to come back. When he feels nothing but tension, he carries on. “I figured it wasn’t about you failing your driving test. I think… I think it was just… I think it was always about you wanting to tell me things first. Good news or bad, I’m always your person, and I– I’m sorry I panicked, I just… I don’t know what came over me, I thought you… wouldn’t need me anymore and, and I don’t know, I just… I freaked out. But it’s not about the driving test, Y/N, it can’t be. Not anymore. I think… I think it’s just about us. And the chocolate cake. I think that no matter what, I get you chocolate cake because I can and because I love you.”
It pains you to even think he has been torturing himself all day because he thinks you won’t need him anymore. That you won’t want him anymore. So much so that you don’t even point out the fact that he is making no sense.
“Min,” You whisper back, so close to him your lips actually brush against his with every word. Your hands are gentle on his face, thumb caressing his cheek so gently it feels like a father brushing against his skin. In your eyes, he’s the more precious thing you’ve ever seen… he it the rest of your life. “Min, what do you mean? Sure, I got my license, but I’ll always need you to drive me around.”
“Y/N–“
“I mean it Seungmin… I’ll always need you around. Driving or not, I just want you around.” And you hug him, so, so tightly that it takes him a moment to realise your hands are exploring uncharted territory. He doesn’t think you realise it either, hands moving up and down his back in a soothing manner… without feeling any bumpy scar around his shoulder blades.
The angle is awkward, but he immediately shoves one hand under his sweater, trying to feel out for the one secret he has been keeping from you for millennia. But Seungmin can’t feel anything but smooth skin. And why wouldn’t he?
He’s not an angel anymore.
He’s human.
“You okay?” You ask, voice equal parts gentle and concerned at how he squirmed and felt around his back.
“Yeah… Yeah, I’m… I’m perfect.”
And you smile. “I’ll always want you, Min.”
He nods, and nods, and nods, smiling larger than life when you kiss him.
Then you pull away with a mischievous smile that shocks him to his core.
“I mean, I don't have to drive around... I’ve always thought of myself as the perfect passenger princess, anyways.”
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AAAHHHH this is finally done! I've been writing this for ages and I really hope you all like it, I had the best time figuring it out and it was such a refreshing story to write!!!
