I'm a multi-fandom writer focusing mainly on Stray Kids and Criminal Minds right now, but my works expand to GOT7 and BTS too! From series to one shots, I do it all >.<
Requests are open! Please make sure to read my request guideline before submitting it <3
Minors DO NOT interact with content tagged 18+!
Currently working on:
â§ a muted shade of green series (Criminal Minds!Spencer Reid)
â§ summertime's special series (Stray Kids collab with @catiuskaa)
âThe thing about idols is that we donât have to commit a crime or do something thatâs controversial for people to blow little things out of proportion and judge us. I could never understand the mentality of those people.â
pairing: reader x fallen guardian angel!kim seungmin
description: No one really knows how many times, exactly, he has been in your life. Itâs not like there is a tally somewhere in the ether of the beyond. No one really cares, either. No one but him.Â
[inspired by ITZY's song, 'Imaginary Friend': https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LvwTmj1nY9s]
stray kids masterlist
You donât know a lot of things in this life.
You donât know a lot of things like theoretical physics or what hides within the depths of the sea. You donât know what awaits for you in the next five minutes, the next five years, or the next five lives. You donât know why things are the way they are or how they came to be.Â
Yeah, you donât know a lot of things, and you might not even know you donât know themâŚ
But you are okay with that.Â
There is comfort in ignorance, you think. Comfort in the simplicity of your averageness, never excelling yet never really failing. Your life is the sweet middle, and you are naive enough to bask in it. There is nothing wrong with doing so, not really, but itâs a little bit stupid when you try to conceptualise it â itâs almost like you have no drive beyond instant gratification, like the future is not something you can visualise. You live for the present and you canât really explain why. For as long as you can remember, it has always been like that. Sometimes, you try to imagine what a different life would be like, a life where you want things thatâll take time to come to you, a life where waiting if worth it and where you donât live like today is your last day. Thos lives make you laugh; they seem so boring that you usually just let it go and continue on with whatever it was that you are doing.
After all, you only really have today, right?Â
Thereâs no way to know what the future has in store for you⌠right?
Wrong.
You donât know what awaits for you in the next five lives, but he does.Â
Seungmin always knows when it comes to you.
You are, after all, his biggest pride. And his biggest punishment.Â
And yet, he doesnât have the heart to tell you. Though, if asked, some would say that maybe he has too much heart to tell you. But letâs not get stuck on technicalities, none of it matter when the clock hits the mark and you both are forced to start it all over again. You wonât remember and youâll begin anew. Him⌠He remembers every single you heâs ever met.Â
One time, you were in a dress so dated that nowadays it would be considered a costume. Your hair was longer and wilder, much to the times fashion, and your smile was impeccable. The sun shone bright while you strolled around the village, modestly glancing at people around you as they said hello, an they always said hello; even back then you were adored by most, indifferent to few, and hated by none. He had never let you be hated.Â
Another time you were a big hater of dresses, adoring the new discovery of feminine pantaloons. You were a handful, this time around; filled with energy for protesting systematic injustice, smoking in public with bright red lipsticks that left halos of ruby around cigarette butts all over the ground, undoing and throwing your bra over electric lines to be one more in the crowd that decided to put their foot down and make a change.Â
If you ask him, he doesnât have a favourite, but the one he thinks about the most is your current self. Maybe thatâs because heâs also his current self, and so that is the you he interacts with the most, but then again, has he ever really changed? Unlike you, nothing restarts for him. Nothing begins again. Everything is just one big life for him, and yet, heâs lucky to have you again and again, even if he knows itâs just a matter of time until you have to begin again.Â
âWhy do you look so sad?âÂ
Your voice is sweet, and it never fails to make him smile. He has his back to you, sitting down on one of the few tables you usually have to fight teeth and nail to get in your favourite cafe, and he canât help but shiver a little with how your words brush the shell of his ear. âThatâs just my resting face.âÂ
âAh, how could I forget? Instead of resting bitch face, you have resting miserable face,â You giggle, arms going around him for a hug and a kiss. Every time your lips touch his, Seungmin forgets all about his life and he dives straight into yours â he exists for the first time then, kisses you for the first time, holds you for the first time. Every life is different, every you is new. âYouâre lucky you look hot when youâre miserable.âÂ
That makes him scoff, getting up to let you sit on his chair while he moves to the one across the table. âStop being freaky and tell me what was so important that you needed to see me here ten minutes before my class.â
You just shrug. âI had a bad dream.âÂ
Oh, he heard that before. Many times. It makes him freeze in place, these words; makes him scared. This phrase marked the beginning of the end. With no exception.Â
It starts like this. An intimate meeting, a warm hello, and you, telling him youâve had a bad dream. Something involving him, something involving death, or abandon, or disappointment. It involves a life without him â if the gods are merciful itâs a dream about his funeral; if they are bored, itâs a dream about his absence. You never get used to this life, and you suffer for eternity. Itâs almost comical, how your bad dreams are always of his realityâŚÂ
From here on out, you donât have much time. A day. A month. A year. A decade. Seungmin doesnât know, but he knows it will never be enough.Â
Lingering is a waste of time, so he doesnât get stuck like he did on your second existence. He doesnât cry like he did on your sixth, or gets angry like he did on your twentieth. He doesnât scream like did on your twenty-first, and doesnât disappear like he did on your fortieth. He simply accepts, like he has done from existence number eighty seven, and holds your hand tight. âAnd what, pray tell,â Seungmin mocks, a fond smile playing on his lips as he repeated the words heâs spoken more times than he could pretend not to count. âWas this dream about?â
You start narrating a story, almost, and itâs one he knows well deep in his heart. You see him in the end of a street or a block or a corridor and you wave. He doesnât wave back. You call his name. He doesnât turn to look at you. You try again, but all he focuses on is something behind you. You turn around, thereâs nothing behind you. He turns around, his back to you as he starts walking down and away. You try to run after him, but itâs like youâre running in place. This lasts for years, and years, and years. You feel yourself grow old, wrinkled, tired, but he just continues walking away.Â
âWow. You truly need to go to therapy.â The joke lands like it does every time â you chuckle and roll your eyes, but you donât miss how he squeezes your hand. âCome on. Letâs go to class, or Iâll never graduate.âÂ
Thatâs a lie, but then again, he lies to you pretty much all the time. Throughout his life, Seungmin had completed pretty much all courses he could think of â Law, Literature, Psychology, Medicine â and now heâs facing his true challenge, Engineering. Maybe this time around, he has decided to torture himself from start to end, rather than let it come later when you nightmares do.Â
âI donât want to go to class,â You groan, head falling onto his shoulder while you walk. It makes it for an awkward walk to class, but you donât seem to care so he doesnât care either. Instead, he turns his head from time to time to drop a kiss over your hair. Your hands are intertwined and they swing between you mainly because you like it when they go back and forward and back and forward and back andâ âIâm pretty sure the professor is the one making me have bad dreams.âÂ
âI doubt that, but just to test your theory, why donât you come sleep over at mine today? Felix is cramming overnight at his girlfriendâs for their Bio test and we will have the dorm all to ourselves.â There is a wink at the end of his words and you swat his chest like youâre not blushing like crazy. Years, decades, centuries, millenniums, lives together, and you still blush like a school girl in every single one of them. He loves it in each of them. âIâll make sure the nightmares donât come for you.âÂ
âMy big protector,â God, he loves when you say that. âSee you after class?âÂ
âSee you after class,â And the way he kisses you is almost like you wonât.
ââââââââââ
By the time you make it to Seungminâs dorm, the sun is almost gone. You admittedly lose track of time easily, like youâve always had an issue conceptualising it. An hour and a day are the same for you if youâre having fun or if youâre lost in thought⌠and youâre almost always lost in thought. Â
Felix might not be home, but you see pieces of him everywhere. The gaming console your boyfriend pretends not to use, the grey hoodie throw over the couch, the brownies in a pretty plate with a sign âfor Y/N only!â His friends have adopted you from the moment you walked into their dormitory, treating you like their own, and you love them with your big, big heart. But you have to admit that having the apartment for you two to have some time alone is everything you probably need and just donât know.Â
âBub, I got you the fries from the place down the road you like!â You announce, entering the place like you own it. âAnd I got you the Oreo milkshake because Iâve been dying to try it, but I was too scare to make that my only choice and hate it, so I got myself a vanilla milkshake and you get the Oreo milkshake so I can try it and love it.âÂ
That gets a reaction out of him â a deep laughter coming from the bathroom. âYou are a menace,â He shouts over the shower, putting his head out the door. âIâm almost done here!âÂ
âOooooooh, can I join?â You ask with a teasing smile, but even as you say it, you donât really stop pulling the plates and cups from the cabinets in the kitchen. Youâve been dating Seungmin for longer than you can remember and he doesnât really blame you anymore whenever you forget anniversaries â I donât know what it is, bub, but itâs like the details are so fuzzy! He knows why, though heâll never tell you⌠heâll never tell you that centuries and centuries of anniversaries weigh on your brain like the Great Wall of China. In fact, heâll never tell you a lot, just like heâll never tell you why, even after all these years together, heâll never shower or swim with you. Or why heâll never stay shirtless for long around you. Or why he flinches anytime someone brushes against his back.Â
Heâll never tell you about his wings. Itâs not a topic he likes talking about, anyways.
âSorry, pup, I was almost done,â He still says when he comes out, towelling his hair off before it drips down his hoodie and all over the floor. His breath fans over the back of your neck when he leans down to kiss it and you giggle. âYou need to work on your timing.âÂ
âSend me a text next time youâre about to shower and Iâll run over,â You promise, like always.Â
There is comfort in your predictability; in the knowledge that this is truly you, the one he has met again and again and again. But there is sadness, too. Sadness in the recognition of some phrases, some patterns. Seungmin is smart and when it comes to you, he applies that intelligence like itâs nothing. Itâs easy for him to recognise some key events that mark your timeline: the first hello, all airy and breathless; the first date, always accidental and always ending at your place (you also make a point of always telling him you donât usually do this on first dates!); the first sleepover, the first fight, the first nightmare. Itâs odd to call them firsts but for you, itâs all new, and he wants to honour the you you are now rather than keep thinking about the old ones.Â
âTough chance,â You jump when he pokes you at the waist, turning around to face him with his plate of fries and ketchup ready. âIs that for me?â
âIt certainly isnât for me, do you see this mountain of ketchup?â You laugh, pushing him and the plate towards the couch. âNow sit down and play your games while I finish my Chem homework.âÂ
âIf you let me, I can help you,â Seungmin says but he sits down and starts the game regardless.Â
âI donât need your help, you freak of nature. Itâs unfair that you are good at every single subject in the world while us mortals work hard and burn our neurones for passing grades.â
There was a time in which video games didnât exist and youâd beg him to sign to you instead. Youâd pick up all your skirts, the ruffling of fabric rubbing on fabric until youâre able to get comfortable and lay down next to him, and then youâd look at him in that way only you do and youâd say: can you sing to me, bub? I donât like the silence. Itâs a shame to lose that to insignificant beeps and bops, but sometimes, late at night or while youâre cooking dinner, heâll hum you a melody anyways. Just for the sake of it, just for the love of itâŚÂ
âHey, bubby?â Seungmin immediately pulls his headset down, looking at you with those big, round eyes of his. ââŚIâm sorry I called you a freak of nature.â
That makes him laugh, head back and all. âY/N, I know, baby. You call me a freak of nature once a week and then always apologises after.âÂ
âI just donât want to unknowingly crush your confidence!âÂ
âThat is a hard feat, but thank you anyways,â Reaching for your hand, he kisses your knuckles. âI love you.âÂ
âI love you more.â Itâs not really a competition⌠but if it was heâd win solely by his actions.Â
After all, many angels have fallen in love.Â
But itâs not that many that have literally fallen because love.Â
In fact, he only knew of one angel before him who had the displeasure of feeling his wings burn down on the way to Earth. And that turned out to be the King of Hell himself.Â
Of course you donât know about any of this. The most you know about Lucifer is from the Netflix hit show and it is because, and he quotes, Lucifer is hot. Itâs been a cannon event to your storyline that youâve never grown up religious, but then again, itâs part of the rules. Those with guardian angels are not supposed to be connected to the Higher world, ironically enough. Those that pray and believe are already protected by their god or their gods, but those that are not open to something unimaginable⌠they are the ones that need protection. The ones in danger of corruption and temptation. The ones in danger of damnation.Â
Seungmin would be damned himself before letting you go down that road.
âMin, can we go to sleep?âÂ
Your voice snaps him out of his game and he nods, putting the control down in a second. He knows you can hear Changbinâs shouts through the headset, but he doesnât really care much â youâve started your nightmares, meaning heâs about to get as clingy as possible. This is the start of the end and it pains him to think about it this way, but itâs the only way he can think about it. âYeah, letâs go to sleep. I promised you Iâd keep the nightmares away.âÂ
Seungmin has never been able to chase your nightmares away. They still exist, still loom over you like warning crows, but he doesnât let them touch you; instead, he takes them for himself.Â
Itâs a weird thing to do, to steal someoneâs nightmares. These are not his fears and they shouldnât feel as shattering as they do whenever he wakes up. But something about the thought of you having to put up with these alone â these images of himself hurt, dead, missing; and always of himself, because he knows that the god you were assigned but never prayed to is warning you. Itâs a warning to both of you that this is whatâs coming, Seungmin all alone and you, somewhere in the world without him.Â
He hates the thought of you somewhere in the world without him⌠but he knows he doesnât have to worry about that. Even when this ends, it will just start again. And again. And again.
ââââââââââ
âSeungmin!âÂ
You screech his name in such a feral way that he almost trips in the middle of the street.Â
âSEUNGMIN!âÂ
It reminds him of a time, one of the many, centuries ago, when your hair was longer and your eyes shone brighter. It was an early life of yours, maybe the sixth or seventh, back when the times still required women to be submissive and silent. Except, you have never been submissive and silent in your life â even when etiquette demanded it. Instead, you were a hurricane of frills and laces, running down the street with a smile so bright you could barely contain yourself. You had news, that much was clear â it still is clear â but back then, instead of the comfortable New Balances he had gifted you for Christmas you wore flats. Instead of running through campus, you ran through a field of flowers. But you always, always ended up in his arms.Â
âOoomphhh!â His air is knocked out of his lungs when you jump on him, but he still doesnât let you fall. âJesus Christ, Y/N, what on EarthâŚ?âÂ
âI passed!âÂ
That confuses him. âPassedâŚ? Passed what?â Midterms were gone for a while and finals are not for another month.Â
âMy driving test! I passed, I got my license!âÂ
That makes him freeze.Â
âYou⌠What?âÂ
You had never gotten you license before. Ever since cars came about, ever since women could get their hands on the wheel⌠youâve always said it wasnât for you. Even this time around youâve told him driving just isnât worth the hassle, just earlier in the year. And sure, some events change; some are unique to specific timelines, like the time you broke your arm falling off of a horse, or the time you got hit by a cyclist trying to cross the road to get to the ice cream van. But other events, like getting your license, are a core part of who you are.Â
Every human has a core timeline, events that make them who they are. Some people, itâs early in their lives â a childhood event that changes who they are forever â or it can be later on, when they are grown and the changes feel a thousand times harsher; a death, a closure, a new beginning.Â
Not getting a license is part of yours. Has always been. He always made jokes about it whenever youâd come to him crying, in all lives and all times â itâs okay darling, you are the perfect passenger princess anyways.
âMy license! Remember? Chan has been teaching me how to drive for the past three months, how do you not remember?!â Your pout snaps him back to reality. âSeungmin!â
âI remember,â He mumbles, but itâs the kind of lie that is so stark that even you know itâs a lie. âI remember! Congratulations! Iâm so proud of you, pup, so, so proud.âÂ
âThen why do you look so pale?â Your laughter echoes even through the loud chatter of passersby. âI promise Iâm good, I wonât run anyone over.âÂ
âIâm not worried about that,â The vagueness of his words is enough to have you engaging in some other topic of conversation, yapping about the lasted gossip in your friend group.Â
Somethingâs not right. Seungmin can feel the change in the force around you two, but above all, he can feel the itching on his back.Â
The scars run from the edges of his shoulders to the bottom of his shoulder blades. It doesnât look healed, but he only knows that because he doesnât feel healed; Seungmin, as much as he can, avoids looking at the bodily reminder of his fall from grace. Itâs not pretty, and he canât offer you anything but pretty. He canât offer you anything but perfect. But itâs hard being perfect when God itself â whichever version of it â has put a target on his back.Â
âI uh, have to⌠go,â Seungmin mumbles, rubbing his sweaty palms against his thighs. âI have to go make sure Felixâ he said he needed help with⌠with something. I have to go.âÂ
The worst part about falling from grace isnât losing his wings, itâs getting human emotions. Angels donât feel much besides love, as it is simply not their nature to do so â Godâs intentions when creating these beautiful, fierce creatures was not create companionship but to create an army. These soldiers follow the word of the Lord, and not the one that humans like to attribute to him, but the actual word of the Lord of Heaven. They are the gatekeepers of eternity, the ones that fight for people to exist as their freewill allows, unburdened and free from the corruption that so easily threatens to find them.Â
However, the corruption found Seungmin instead. Love is was all he felt before and love is all he feels now, but itâs different. Itâs stronger, harder almost. Itâs not the same constant sensation that it was before; itâs a feeling now, an emotion that goes up and down and up and down and up and up and up up up. You only take him up, right after you made him fall. He doesnât blame you, though. Never has and never will. Human emotions might not be the most comfortable for someone so comfortable with continual sureness, but you? You are the high he never thought heâd get, keeping him afloat even when he feels hopeless.Â
And right now he feels pretty damn hopeless.Â
âNow?!â You pout, arms locking around him in a way that makes him almost suffocate. Itâs not really you or your hug â usually heâd describe those as heavenly and he would know â but more the situation. Your core timeline is something heâs memorised centuries ago. He has compared every single life heâs lived with you and he knows what is an actual event and what is a consequence of the times youâre living⌠and this, this is not an event. This is not supposed to be happening because driving has been around for longer than heâd like to admit and youâve never passed before.Â
âUh, y-yeah, I have to go now, Iââ There it is, human emotion. His lower lip trembles a little and his eyes water, and never has Seungmin been so thankful for the height difference between you two. His head tilts back, a failed effort to keep it in. âSorry pup, I have to go. Iâll see you tonight, love you!âÂ
ââââââââââ
The worst part of it all is that there is no real place where Seungmin can go to find any information on what the fuck is actually happening. Despite Hollywood making fallen angels look like best friends that go through it together, Seungmin didnât know of anyone who had done it before. At least not anyone whom he could reach out to.Â
So instead, he does the next best thing.Â
The church is empty when he arrives. Itâs the same one he usually goes whenever he feels like repenting, not that it would ever matter. Bizarrely, it almost feels like self-imposed torture, stepping into the house he once guarded over, and he is hit with a feeling of nostalgia that is not new, but itâs something he never really got used to.
âI wondered when you were coming back.âÂ
Seungmin smiles weakly. âHello, Father.âÂ
âHello, Seungmin.âÂ
From the first moment he stepped inside that place, Seungmin was sure Father Yang knew who he was. Mainly because throughout the lives, priests and priestesses have always been able to see him. Well, everyone is able to see him, but they can see him.Â
âWhat troubles you, Messenger of God?â Father Yang asks, sitting down at the pew with a gentle gesture to have Seungmin join.Â
The feeling of the wood beneath him makes him falter, eyes slowly closing shut with a pained expression crossing over him. Memories come back like punishment â surely a touch of rightfulness coming from the Big Guy himself â and he feels his scars flutter with that painful after-burn that leaves his back sore and sensitive. âIâve long stopped being His messenger, Father.âÂ
âAnd yet, you seek solace at his place of worship.â
Seungmin chuckles, shaking his head before speaking. âSomethingâs wrong,â He whispers, voice a little wobbly and unstable. âSomethingâs wrong, Father, and Iâ I was wondering if you knew anything about it.âÂ
âWhat is going on?âÂ
âY/N,â Like a punch to the lungs, Seungmin exhales a shaky breath. âShe got her license. In all lives, she⌠she fails her driving test. Itâs a part of her core timeline, and as insignificant as it might seem, itâs one of the few events that resurface without drastic consequences. Itâ Itâs always been my favourite event.âÂ
âWhy?â Father Yang asks, sitting back with the composure of a man who had nowhere else to be. âOut of all events, out of all the lives⌠why is her failure your favourite?âÂ
âItâs not about her failure,â Seungmin immediately corrects, head shooting up with wide, guilty eyes. âI would never celebrate her failing, Father. Itâs what happens after she fails that I love. In all lives since the invention of the car, whenever Y/N fails her driving test, she comes to me. Iâm the first person to know.âÂ
âAnd did that change? Were you not the first person to know she passed?âÂ
âI donât know, I think I was butâŚâ Seungmin almost has to force the words out, cheeks blushing a little when a tear slips down his cheek. Then another. Then another. Then another and another and another until heâs sobbing quietly. âB-But Iâd get her chocolate cake. A-And we-we hug and s-sway around un-until she felt better. And then we-weâd fall asleep, a-after sheâd make me pro-promise to drive her everywhere.âÂ
Happiness. Anger. Rage. Guilt. Need. Desire. Hatred. Out of all the human emotions he had been injected with, the one he loathes the most is this one: fear. Sadness can sometime take over, make it feel like there is nothing else in him because of how it covers his heart like a tent, but itâs when the sadness fades that fear sneaks in. Heâs vulnerable and fragile, as much as he hates whenever you call him fragile, and it comes before he can even try and stop it. Usually, itâll come when heâs laying in bed, room dark and cold and empty â itâs one of the rare nights youâre sleeping in your own dorm because of an early class or test or study group, and youâve left him on his own. He pouts all the time, but youâre not there to see it, so what does it even matter? And then he feels it; the cold touch of fear in his chest. His heart is the target, but the chill comes from his bloodstream, circulating through his body like it wanted to kill him slowly, limb by limb, rather than giving him a merciful end.Â
Seungmin instinctively reaches for his chest, fingers pressing into the divot between his pectorals as if trying to reach inside his ribs to press and pump his heart manually. âThe core timeline is c-changing,â He says again, doing his best to breathe like heâs supposed to. âAnd I donât know what that means. And I canât keep her safe if I donât know what is going on, Father.â
There is such a heavy silence hanging in the air that Seungmin canât help but tug on the neckline of his sweatshirt, making space for air to circulate one way or another.Â
âSeungmin,â The way Father Yang calls his name is almost reverent and it echoes through the empty church like a bell calling out to the faithful. âYou are no longer a Guardian Angel. Protecting Y/N is not your job anymore.âÂ
The words, so simple and obvious, cut through him like a knife, and Seungmin feels his body alight with anger. âProtecting Y/N will always be my job.â His voice comes out harsh, as if the thought of not being her guardian filled him with everything that made him fall. With everything that made him sin. âAnd I wouldnât change that for the fucking world.âÂ
âYou can see it as your privilege to protect her, Seungmin, but itâs no longer your job,â Father Yang says, hand gingerly hovering over the manâs back before patting him on the shoulder instead. âSeungmin. Seungmin, this⌠this is no longer an obligation. This isnât something you have to do from afar and in secret anymore. Itâs no longer an order. Donât you see? You can protect her because you love her, not the other way around.âÂ
âBecause Guardians love all,â Father Yang nodded. âBut now, you donât have to love everyone. You can just love her. You can love her and be annoyed at her and get angry at her and miss her. Seungmin, you are missing the point.âÂ
âWhat is the point?! Her timeline is shifting, herââÂ
âThe point is that she is no longer the only thing that matters!â The joy in the priestâs voice seems misplaced â Seungmin doesnât understand how you not being the centre of his universe is a good thing, and the mere suggestion of him shifting his attention somewhere else has him shifting uncomfortable. âSeungmin⌠you are now human. Youââ
âThatâs not what Iâm here for!â He shouts, getting up so fast the wood creaks underneath him. âIâm not here for this introspective bullshit, IââÂ
Pain.Â
Blinding pain explodes all over his back and he falls to his knees. Itâs almost religious, how he arches back in hopes to alleviate the building pressure there. The hand of God on his back had always been a heavy burden to bear, but back then, he took it willingly, proudly. Now this feels different; purposefully heavy, like a petty punch from a bully in pre-school. âIâm sorry,â Seungmin cried, falling forward on his elbows. Later, you will gasp at the state he comes home in â elbows bloody, hands scuffed, face puffed â but now, all he can think about is heâs failed. Heâs failed you, heâs failed God, and somehow, he feels like heâs failing himself. âIâm sorry, Iâm so sorry.âÂ
âItâs okay,â Father Yang assures him, kneeling next to the fallen angel with such sorrowful expression. âSeungmin, itâs okay. You have nothing to apologise forâŚâÂ
âGod is punishing me,â He wails, trying to get up from the cold, cold floor but failing every time. âHeâs punishing me for my insolence. HeâsââÂ
âSeungmin, God canât punish you anymore.âÂ
It takes a moment for his brain to process, but when it does, itâs like everything fades away; the pain, the cold, the guilt. And heâs just there, on a church, on the floor, crying but unsure why. âW-WhatâŚ?âÂ
âSeungmin, God canât punish you anymore, son.âÂ
The shock in his system is enough to reset him back into his own body. âButââÂ
âGod doesnât punish humans, Seungmin, he letâs them do it themselves. Freewill is a blessing, but itâs a curse in its own accord. What is happening is not God, itâs you. You aer torturing yourself, son, because you had an entire existence of perfection, but now⌠now you are as flawed as the next person, and thatâs what makes you perfect⌠perfectly human. So stop punishing yourself.âÂ
Takes a second for things to stop spinning. The weight on his back moves to his chest and itâs hard to breathe for a second there, body slowly crumbling onto the ground until heâs on his back. The marble floors are cold against his overheated skin but it feels good; the shock of sensations feel good. âIâm human,â Seungmin says, and it dawns on him that this is the first time he actually admitted it to himself. âIâm⌠Iâm human.âÂ
ââââââââââ
Seungmin doesnât come home for a while. Youâre worried and stressed and youâve called Chan and Minho and Hyunjin more times than youâd like to admit. Never, in your years of relationship, had Seungmin gone AWOL. Usually your boyfriend would be texting you every hour âjust becauseâ and the fact that he isnât even picking up the phone makes your heart beat faster than what is considered medically safe. âCome on, Min, where are you?â You mumble from where youâre sitting â the couch is the perfect place to wait for him, perfectly angled to avoid the glare on the TV and consequently giving you the perfect view of the front door.Â
Felix doesnât mind that you have a key to their dorm, but he does mind seeing you this distressed. âY/N, Iâm sure heâs okay,â He reassures you again, coming into the living room with one of Seungminâs hoodies. You have been shivering for the better part of the hour and heâs not sure if itâs because of the chill in the air or if out of pure nerves. âItâs just 7:56pm, he should be walking through the door with takeout anytime now.âÂ
âYou donât know that, Lix,â Once again, youâre biting your nails. Itâs a habit Seungmin has been trying to help you kick, but times of extreme anxiety always push you back to it. âSomething couldâve happened. He never disappears â remember during finals?! I called him because I needed pads and he picked up! In the middle of his test! And look,â Shoving your phone in the blondeâs face, you hold back panicked tears. âHis location is off! He never turns his location off! What if he got run over by a car? Or, or a bus? Or what if he got stuck in an elevator and he doesnât have any signal so he canât call for help? Oh god, what if heâs angry at me?âÂ
Felix just blinks at you. âWhat would he be angry about?â
âI donât know! I told him I passed my drivingâs license and I thought heâd be happier, but he got so⌠weird⌠and then he disappeared andââÂ
Unknown to you, Seungmin can hear you ranting from the other side of the door. He got there about five minutes ago, but all courage left his body the moment your wobbly voice made it through the walls. He knows that tone, and he hates that heâs the one that got you there â you and Seungmin had fought before, of course, but never to the point of making you cry; he always apologised before it got to that point.Â
He takes one last deep breath, looking at the box in his hands with intent before unlocking the door and stepping inside. âPupââÂ
âSeungmin!â You shout, and as if on cue, all hell breakâs loose. Felix loudly cusses out in relief and immediately starts asking questions, but you⌠you crumble. You cry so hard youâre hiccuping, and a panic alarm rings in his brain.Â
âPup!â He gasps, rushing to you as fast as he can with Felix still shouting questions. He puts the box down on the centre table before reaching to tug her closer. âBaby, whatâs going on?âÂ
âW-W-Where were you?â You cry.Â
âI⌠I was out andââÂ
âI thought you were dead!â You wail, throwing yourself into his arms to hug him as close as possible. âYou werenât answering your phone and itâs ben hours, Seungmin! You shouldâve called!âÂ
No, he doesnât like making you cry, but the way you worry about him and his safety makes his heart flutter. Itâs so easy to see, how much you care for and about him, and every time you serve a reminder he canât help but smile. Kissing the top of your head, he gently caresses your back, chuckling lightly at how your hands fisted the front of his shirt and refused to let him go. âI was just out and my phone died,â He whispers to you. âIâm so sorry I worried you, sweetheart, but I needed to get something before I could come home and the line was insanely long.âÂ
Your cheeks are adorably blushed when you pull back to look at him. âGod, youâre cute,â He mumbles, shivering when he realises no punishment came from using the name in vain. Seungmin thumbs your tears away, kissing your face all over.Â
âW-What did you getâŚ?â Your shy words, like you donât want to give into your natural curiosity, makes him smile.Â
âWell, I got something really special,â He whispers. Felix has calmed down now and is quietly watching you two in the corner, but Seungmin doesnât mind â there is intimacy in the bubble he makes for the both of you with hushed words and sweet glances. âYou passed your driving test and⌠and you might not need me to drive you around anymore, but uh, but I think we should keep up with the tradition.â
Realisation dawns on you like a veil and you immediately soften. In all his jokes and banter and witty comments, Seungmin is a man of habit. His routine is predictable and you love that about him; you love how heâs always felt⌠constant. Even on day one, it was like youâve known him your whole life. No, even longer, if possible; youâre whole existence. And the more you grew together, the more you realised that there is a sensitivity to him he doesnât really make obvious. Itâs hidden behind the eye rolls and sarcastic comments, but youâve seen it once and now you see it all the time.Â
How he will put toothpaste in your toothbrush and leave it waiting for you whenever youâre ready to go to bed.Â
Or how heâs always make sure his dorm is stocked with your favourite snacks.
Or how he will give you space when you feel overwhelmed even if itâs inherently against his own need for proximity at all times.Â
Seungmin, in the end of day, loves you.Â
Always has and always will.Â
âYou got me chocolate cake,â You say, looking at the box he reaches towards with nothing short of love. âBabyâŚâÂ
âI figuredâŚâ He chokes on emotion for a second, eyes closing as if waiting for the burning pain on his back to come back. When he feels nothing but tension, he carries on. âI figured it wasnât about you failing your driving test. I think⌠I think it was just⌠I think it was always about you wanting to tell me things first. Good news or bad, Iâm always your person, and Iâ Iâm sorry I panicked, I just⌠I donât know what came over me, I thought you⌠wouldnât need me anymore and, and I donât know, I just⌠I freaked out. But itâs not about the driving test, Y/N, it canât be. Not anymore. I think⌠I think itâs just about us. And the chocolate cake. I think that no matter what, I get you chocolate cake because I can and because I love you.âÂ
It pains you to even think he has been torturing himself all day because he thinks you wonât need him anymore. That you wonât want him anymore. So much so that you donât even point out the fact that he is making no sense.Â
âMin,â You whisper back, so close to him your lips actually brush against his with every word. Your hands are gentle on his face, thumb caressing his cheek so gently it feels like a father brushing against his skin. In your eyes, heâs the more precious thing youâve ever seen⌠he it the rest of your life. âMin, what do you mean? Sure, I got my license, but Iâll always need you to drive me around.âÂ
âY/NââÂ
âI mean it Seungmin⌠Iâll always need you around. Driving or not, I just want you around.â And you hug him, so, so tightly that it takes him a moment to realise your hands are exploring uncharted territory. He doesnât think you realise it either, hands moving up and down his back in a soothing manner⌠without feeling any bumpy scar around his shoulder blades.Â
The angle is awkward, but he immediately shoves one hand under his sweater, trying to feel out for the one secret he has been keeping from you for millennia. But Seungmin canât feel anything but smooth skin. And why wouldnât he?Â
Heâs not an angel anymore.Â
Heâs human.
âYou okay?â You ask, voice equal parts gentle and concerned at how he squirmed and felt around his back.Â
âYeah⌠Yeah, Iâm⌠Iâm perfect.âÂ
And you smile. âIâll always want you, Min.âÂ
He nods, and nods, and nods, smiling larger than life when you kiss him.Â
Then you pull away with a mischievous smile that shocks him to his core.Â
âI mean, I don't have to drive around... Iâve always thought of myself as the perfect passenger princess, anyways.â
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AAAHHHH this is finally done! I've been writing this for ages and I really hope you all like it, I had the best time figuring it out and it was such a refreshing story to write!!!