#daldalan

[galawgaw]

[sotr spoilers] just realized that all the escorts/stylists getting killed off during the war except effie puts her in a victor-like position: she also becomes the last person standing ☹️ all the more gut-wrenching too if her sister remained involved in the games business during the 75th and was among those killed. effie entered the games business because of proserpina, who winds up dead because of something effie had an indirect hand in. it just makes effie all the more similar to katniss, of all characters.

despite the obvious differences, effie and her victors have very striking things in common: she also ends up becoming the last woman standing, she also ends up killing innocent children (albeit more indirectly i guess), and her involvement in the games was also rooted at least partly in the simple desire to look out for someone she loves.

[galawgaw]

i grew up on stress outlet fuckbuddyship turned tortured situationship turned love-in-middle-age, second-lease-on-life hayffie fanfiction since i was 13 so that shit is still real to me idgaf what suzanne collins says

[galawgaw]

been rambling about effie for days because i think sotr!effie is pretty consistent with og trilogy!effie and she remains to be a compelling character to me so #yay… but i actually do have many problems with sotr and what it does to haymitch’s character 😹😹

[galawgaw]

241121 • was really sad today. i think my body image / appearance issues — long repressed — finally reared their heads; i burst into tears and felt a hurt that i haven’t really paid much attention to in so many years. i think this is a wake-up call for me to start confronting those issues face-front, to start taking better care of my body especially since i’m about to embark a new chapter of my life next year (graduating 🤣).

i’m glad i had my friends with me (who were also pretty sad lol, but for different things). we went out to the nearby park and walked the whole afternoon - lifted my spirits up so much. also felt very accomplished that i walked 12k+ steps! i think i should go to the park more often lol it’s such a relaxing place to be.

[galawgaw]

was listening to the close reads podcast's episode on frankenstein and was struck by this: “you can’t love virtue and not apply it when it’s hard. [frankenstein's monster] doesn’t love virtue. he thinks he loves virtue because his soul is elevated by these words and is inspired by them. but the whole point of virtue is that you maintain it when it is challenged, or else you don’t have it, and you didn’t love it.” aristotle's 'excellence = consistent virtue,' inspiration is not necessarily embodiment, etc

[galawgaw]

i can no longer wrap my head around the idea that people view art (movies in particular, my favorite medium) as pure entertainment, not as spaces to nurture your soul, your connection with humanity and with yourself. which is also why i can't wrap my head around the idea of people refusing to engage with different kinds of movies - how else do you grow? how else do you broaden your horizons of what is possible to feel and to perceive? how is this not important to people?

[galawgaw]

Flew back home for nearly a week and had a lot of time to evaluate where I'm at now and how I ought to improve:

I have a consistency/commitment problem, paired with a naturally avoidant personality, which means that I often shirk my own responsibilities and feel too ashamed to own up to them. I'm an adult now, and I ought to change this about myself; if I want to get anywhere, I have to hold myself accountable and not take any shortcuts.

Related to the first point: I'm an all-or-nothing kind of person — I either give an endeavor everything I've got, or I completely, unapologetically half-ass it. I've come to the conclusion that I'd rather live my life giving something everything I've got.

And so, I'm set on going to law school.

I was initially interested in going to law school when I was in senior high. We had to take up Philippine Politics and Governance, which was structured like a Consti class — case digests, recitations, mock trials — and I absolutely loved it. I loved the rigor, the way it demanded me to clarify and structure my thought process, my behavior. It was then that I figured that I could give law school a shot (once I've finished my undergraduate degree), but in the years since, I've had my doubts: first, of whether or not it even suited my personality. I'm fickle and indecisive (a Libra), I'm very go-with-the-flow... But now that I've given it more thought, I've noticed that I need to be challenged to be fulfilled, that while I can be very "free-flowing" as a person, I actually enjoy it much more when structures (that I choose) are imposed on me.

Personality aside, I've also harbored a growing doubt over the effectiveness of existing institutions, especially one as "stuffy" as the law in a country as unequal, corrupt, and patron-client oriented as the Philippines. If I become a lawyer, am I doing anything to make the world a much more just place? What do I want to do with a law degree in the first place — to become a public interest lawyer? Go into corporate? This is admittedly a question I don't have answers to yet; it also feels like something I can only answer once I actually start learning about the nitty-gritty of the law (in both my studies and in practice). All I really know right now is that the law interests me, there's a stability in the practice of law that puts me more at ease than other professions, and that I want to challenge myself. I don't know where it will take me, I don't know if law really is for me, but I won't know until I've tried and given it my all.