#damien shepard

[thornaelle]

Dís Shepard & Damien Shepard for @thelastofthecrazypeople!

Damien in his armour was in the very first batch of these portraits I did way back in March 2018! It was nice to get to revisit the character two years later and see how my approach has changed.

[thelastofthecrazypeople]

It’s the smallest thing that sets him off sometimes and this time he can’t even tell what exactly it was, not even much later when he’s calmed down again and has time to examine the situation from all angles.

Right now, though he feels his blood pumping in his ears, drowning out the noise of the city around him. He feels his throat go dry in an instant and his eyes stop focusing properly so that he has to grab onto the nearest wall and feel his way into the next alley.

He feels like running and hiding at the same time, half of his instincts wanting to fight, to stand up to whatever brought on the panic this time. The other half is small and shivering and begging him to just hide away until it passes. A very, very tiny part of him tries to reason, to tell him that both parts are wrong, that he just needs to calm down for fuck’s sake. That there is actually nothing wrong.

In the end the part that wants to hide wins out, since there is actually nothing there to fight – just old instincts going haywire, adrenaline shooting through his body because of something he doesn’t even remember.

But the darkness in the alley helps – the slowly waning sunlight already mostly gone, shadows drooping down from tall buildings.

Still his heart feels like it’s trying to beat its way out of his chest, blood rushing through his ears and breath coming fast as if he’d been running a marathon instead of taking a leisurely stroll in the sun.

Very slowly he starts to regain some semblance of control over himself, the initial spike of panic dropping enough for his more rational part to take over, to try to remember the words of his therapist. To force himself to take deep breaths in and out. To send the message preprogramed into his omnitool for just this occasion.

It’s only once he hears Kaidan’s familiar voice – worried but calming, welcoming like a light house in the dark – that he can actually calm down enough to take in his surroundings.

It’s only talking to him that lets Damien get back home and into the safety of his arms, still jittery and insecure and frustrated to all hell but at the same time also immensely thankful.

[anunquenchableflame]

Damien Shepard | Ko-fi donation reward for @thelastofthecrazypeople!

[officialpeebee]

Aftermath (for thelastofthecrazypeople)

illustrated fanfic commission for @thelastofthecrazypeople - thank you again!

art by @noctuaalba - fic by me

Damien Shepard opened the hatch in the top of the fish tank and reached up to drop a pinch of food inside. The fish flocked to it, scales flashing as they flitted through the water. He knew that there were automated programs for these things, but he still preferred to do it himself. There was something deeply ordinary about the act, completely at odds with the war that raged around them. For a few seconds he could pretend that there was nothing in the galaxy more pressing than feeding a few fish.

Or at least he could have done, if it wasn’t for the terminal glowing softly next to him. His comms had been flooded with messages since they had escaped from the wreckage of Thessia. It seemed like everyone in the galaxy wanted to know what had happened, and why, and what they were supposed to do now. Damien didn’t know why they expected him to have all the answers, yet he was doing his best to give them. He just hoped that his advice would help instead of making things worse.

He was watching the fish drift lazily around their tank when he heard the door hiss open behind him. Damien turned around as Kaidan stepped into the room, hands in the pockets of his sweatshirt. He smiled when he saw the open container of food on Damien’s desk.

“Still living out your domestic fantasy of fish ownership?” he said.

“Of course. Need to keep occupied.”

“I can understand that,” Kaidan nodded. “Like Tali with her vids. We all need something to keep us grounded.”

“Yeah.”

A silence stretched out between them. Not their usual, comfortable quiet, but a tangible absence of sound. Words were going unspoken. That wasn’t normal for them.

“Listen,” Kaidan said. “About what happened back on Thessia-”

“I’m fine,” Damien said, the words coming automatically. It was a reflex, a pretense of strength he put on for the sake of his crew. It took him a moment to realise he didn’t have to pretend here. “Wait. No, I’m not.”

“Didn’t think so,” Kaidan said. He stepped forward and took Damien by the shoulder, steering him gently away from the desk and the comms terminal on top of it. “Give yourself a break from that, come on.”

Damien didn’t need to be told twice. They sat down on the couch in the corner of the cabin, Kaidan’s arm around the commander’s shoulders.

“We lost so many people, Kaidan,” he said. “I can barely look at the reports any more. They’re saying millions. How do you even get your head around numbers like that?”

“Don’t ask me. I can’t.” Kaidan shook his head. “Fucking Cerberus.”

“Can’t help but feel like I’m to blame somehow,” Damien said. “You were right, back on Horizon that day. I never should have trusted them.”

“You can’t blame yourself for that,” he said. “I was pissed, back then. But looking back I think you had the right of it. The Reapers would be better off if you hadn’t taken down the Collectors.”

“I should have taken down the Illusive Man while I was at it.”

“You will before this is done,” Kaidan said. “Kai Leng, the Illusive Man, all of them. I don’t like their chances against you.”

Damien managed a smile at that. The two of them sat there for a while longer, listening to the soft bubbling of the fish tank and the distant purr of the engines. It had been a long time since they had simply allowed themselves to be alone together. Yet still Damien couldn’t get the images of Thessia out of his head.

“It just happened so fast,” Damien said after a moment. “I thought we were getting close to a breakthrough. How did we go from that to losing everything?”

“We haven’t lost everything. Not yet. None of us could have anticipated what happened down there, not a one of us. If Liara didn’t know, how could you?”

“Damn,” Damien said. “Liara. I haven’t even checked in on her yet.”

“She’s pretty cut up,” Kaidan admitted. “Who wouldn’t be? But she’s keeping busy. Looking for ways to help the asari refugees to get back on their feet.”

“I should help her with that.”

“No, you should sit your ass down and breathe for a minute,” Kaidan said firmly. “You haven’t stopped in weeks. If you’re not careful you’ll burn out.”

Damien opened his mouth to protest, then realised the truth in Kaidan’s words. He was exhausted. Had been for months. This was the kind of fatigue he’d been warned about in N7 training, the sort that got people killed. “You’ve got a point there.”

“You had to be real careful with the old implants,” Kaidan said. “Pushing yourself too hard could be dangerous. I know the signs.”

“I just don’t know what else to do,” Damien said, closing his eyes. “There’s a whole galaxy out there working to stop the Reapers. The soldiers on Earth, the engineers on the Catalyst… I don’t know. It makes me feel guilty, sitting around when I could be doing something to help.”

“You don’t think those people are taking a break every now and then? Calling their families, getting messages out to their friends?”

“I guess so,” Damien said. “Damn it, Kaidan. How did I get by without you for this long?”

“I’ve been around a while now, D.”

“You know what I mean.”

“Yeah, I know,” Kaidan sighed. “We sure do pick our moments, don’t we?”

“I still wish I’d said something sooner,” Damien said. “Instead of waiting until we were in the middle of a war zone.”

Kaidan pulled him closer. “Hey. No use regretting that now. We’re here, aren’t we? That’s all that matters.”

“Can’t argue with that.” Damien turned to kiss him, resting a hand on his shoulder. “I should be glad one good thing came out of all this.”

“That’s the spirit,” Kaidan smiled. “There’ll be plenty more good things once all this is over. I promise you.”

“Big promise to make.”

“Yeah well,” Kaidan said, pressing his forehead to Damien’s. “Some things are worth gambling on.”

[thelastofthecrazypeople]

I was lucky enough to snag a commission by @antivancorvo of my Shepard Damien and I absolutely love how she drew him. I’ve been staring at this portrait for the past week and everytime I see another detail I absolutely love.

Thank you so so so much for this <3.

[thelastofthecrazypeople]

I decided that Damien and Kaidan needed a break and decided to commission @swimmingtrunks to draw it for me.

I am absolutely in love with what I got, the lines, the way the sheet falls around these two, the whole feeling of the image. Everytime I look at it I fall in love some more.

Thank you so much, I absolutely love it!

You should def check out the artist’s commission page KoFi and/or Society6

[thelastofthecrazypeople]

And sometimes when you are curled around each other in the dead of night. You will stop and listen to his breath rushing in and out. And you will tell yourself ‘It’s okay. We’re okay’ Over and over until his heartbeat and his warmth drag your mind into the blissful darkness of sleep.

And sometimes when you are curled around each other in the dead of night. You will cry and clutch at his warm skin and try and try to believe that it’s okay. While he whispers sweet nothings into your ear with a voice that’s already half asleep and way too soft.

And sometimes when you are curled around each other in the dead of night. You will watch over him, keep a silent vigil until the first rays of grey sun poke through the dark and you feel your heart unclench over another passed day.

[thelastofthecrazypeople]

On account of me finishing my first playthrough of Mass Effect 2 today, meet my Shepard.