Blogging Twilight Viper Edition, By Dan Bergstein
Yes, I have read this before, but it was in blog form and this has new stuff in it. Yes, my goal was to finish my new Valdemar book in the first days of my vacation. Blame the Fourth of July. Yes, I will explain that.
But first!
I discovered Blogging Twilight by complete accident when I was living in Montana for 10 months in 2010/2011. 8 of those months had snow on the ground. That is not hyperbole. It started snowing in November and didn't stop until June... JUNE! There were some benefits.
I discovered that there are spikes that you can buy that fit over your shoes so you don't fall down and break your face on spring ice.
The west coast knows nothing of snow, an inch of snow on the ground? Classes are canceled as the roads are now bobsled tracks because we must protect the salmon population.
In Montana? A foot of snow on top of three feet of snow that has frozen solid, wind chill is below zero, class starts at 6pm on a January night. It's as dark as a blackhole's ass. Get yourself inside, the lecture is not going to wait for you, besides you're in the path of the guy in running shorts navigating by campas streetlights. It's cool, he has shoe spikes, and antifreeze for blood, apparently.
Neither situation makes a damn bit of sense, but there you are.
Also, considering that I experienced snow in June, and it was 105 degrees when I fled Missoula in August, I feel I got to experience weather whiplash. Which I'm sure will come in handy some day.
Anyway, after my semester ended in May, I split my time between trying to find a place to live in Oregon and playing on the internet.
One of my favorite landing spots was SparkNotes, because it had goofy quizzes.
And what did I see? A guy blogging every chapter of every Twilight book! Now, I've mentioned before that I liked Twilight and New Moon for the bad movies of books that they are, and that Eclipse fell out of my brain and Breaking Dawn was boring and bonkers. I needed a laugh at that point, so I dove in! I really enjoyed reading this blog. In fact I would periodically revisit it.
That brings me to July 4th 2021. Assholes in my neighborhood are setting off fireworks, in the road, right outside my apartment,in the middle of a drought, in defiance of the county ban trying to stop the fucknut population from burning down the state... Again.
My dog, Biff, is losing his shit even after two CBD treats. He can have three but he's so flipped out that he won't eat another one.
I need noise, but the Wifi is out so I pick up my mom's Breaking Dawn DVD. She likes the movies because they are mindless.
My reasoning is that I can sleep though it, but it should provide enough noise to drown out the fireworks enough for Biff to settle down. It works, and I start to wonder about that Blogging Twilight thing I read years ago. It had been a while... Google help a girl out.
And what do I find? The whole thing, plus blogs about the Gender Swapped Twilight and the movies, are in a Kindle book!
Hell yeah, I bought it! And I just spent the first three days of my vacation reading it.
It's just as much fun as I remember. Dan Bergstein has a wonderfully random sense of humor and mixes it with very good points about the awfulness of the books and their plots.
I honestly can't look at or read anything to do with Twilight without thinking about warewolves with jetpacks and imagining Emmett Cullen as an action hero and that's thanks to this blog.
I'd never read his blogs about the movies or Life and Death so those were a great bonus for me. I remember reading Life and Death last year and thinking it was better than Twilight, so the Bergstein and I disagree there. Of course, I also remember saying last year that I thought it was better because it had a more satisfying ending than the original series. I stick by that. If what happened to Beau in Life and Death, happened to Bella in Twilight, it would have been a B movie book that at least had an ending, unlike the series which reminded me of when a song is fading out. There's not an ending, the substance of the song just keeps getting thinner and thinner until it's just gone.
The book is hilarious and even though Bergstein gets frustrated and creeped out (as I think a lot of people did) he writes about it with just my brand of humor. Scarcastic, random and well thought out which sounds like a contradiction, but I think good random humor is like the random button on an mp3 player. There's structure, it's just structured to where it seems unstructured.
Honestly, if you want a laugh, read this book!
