Today I pushed past fears. For a little while Ive been coming to this place where I’ll meet someone online and we start having a connection but then if it gets too real or it comes to actually meeting them in person, all the sudden I am filled with resistance, and plenty of validating excuses for myself. Today I finally met someone in real life for the first time whom Id met online and though my heart was uncomfortable at first and I came up with a dozen reasons why I should postpone, it went just fine. This felt like a big step for me because it opens up my abilities to make new friends and connections of support.
I also spoke with my husband today which was a lot. It was mostly sweet, he has been so tender with me and understanding for the most part. I witnessed anger coming up and annoyance, both of which were easy to acknowledge and release but towards the end of the conversation I noticed my mind going into denial thought patterns so I ended the call. The denial thoughts come at least once a day and try to convince me that its still worth it to fight for this marriage. But my heart knows better, she knows its time for what comes next.