#darnedchild whinging

[darnedchild]

My therapist got into -his- feels at today's session and started getting teary-eyed and wibbly voiced and it was like staring at one of those paintings of a wide-eyed sad puppy who just wants you to pet their ears and give them treats and call them good boy.

But not in a weird fetish way. (Weird for me, not weird in general. YKINMK and that's ok.)

So now I can't dump him as a therapist this week because I'd feel super guilty and would be picturing

the entire time.

[darnedchild]

I am not sure I am connecting with my new therapist. And by "I'm not sure" I mean I absolutely am not; but the people pleaser in me keeps trying to make excuses for him and taking the blame upon myself.

Apparently "the world is a dumpster fire in general and makes me upset in ways I can not specifically articulate" is not an adequate explination for why the news gives me A Sad.

My old therapist would understand. Then she would ask to see more pictures of my vacation to the Mothman Festival in WV or that time my husband drove me to PA so I could visit the mall where they filmed Dawn of the Dead and then chase down her kitten so I could see his adorable spotted tummy.

New guy has spent the last five sessions talking about the concepts HE prefers to focus on during therapy sessions and doing that thing were he is already planning what he's going to say in response to me without actually listening to what I'm saying.

Like, he'll send me a power point about the dorsal vagus(?) blah blah whatever with twelve letter words and when I break it down into normal people speak, he says yes and immediately tells me exactly what I said but in grad student trying to pad out a college thesis language.

I actually defended him to my mental health patient advocate last week and said "I don't want him to feel bad if I ask to see someone else because I know he's in therapy as well and I don't want to contribute to his abandonment issues."

Y'all, he said something about feeling guilty he wasn't there for a friend more (in relation to something I'd mentioned, not just randomly out of the blue) and I switched into Mom mode and spent five minutes reassuring him that self care is important and sometimes that means stepping back. I'm pretty sure I should have gotten a discount on the fee for that session.

Anywho - my mental health care has been subpar of late and the world is, in fact, a dumpster fire; so I have checked out from pretty much everything for the last few months. I am sorry I've been MIA and I miss interacting with my virtual peeps.

[darnedchild]

I have been living in hotel rooms with my husband, son, and three cats for over a month now. I know the I'm one of the lucky ones in that we've got savings to live off for awhile as my husband looks for a full-time post-retirement from active duty job and it will only be a few more weeks before we'll be able to move into a rental house... but I am so burnt out.

I have no alone time, I'm with one or both of them nearly 24 hours a day. Our current hotel is gross, taps drip, possible mold in the bathroom, far too small for three people and three cats, it smells, and I feel so guilty complaining when I know at least I have a roof over our heads and beds to sleep in.

I just needed to vent because I'm currently sitting in a booth of a burrito place desperately trying not to cry for no reason other than I'm lost and I really just want to crawl to my parents and beg them to let me live in their basement just so I can say I have a home.

[darnedchild]

We literally only stopped wearing masks three weeks ago.

My son and I are the only people in our entire extended family who have not had COVID.

Even when my husband had it; we quarantined the hell out of our house and everyone made their own food and I slept on the sofa for two weeks so my husband could be in a room by himself. And I managed to keep my son and I from catching it.

My son only went to school for 10 days before coming home with a fever and cough and the news that the parent of one of the kids in class has COVID and I swear to the lord above and the little baby Jesus that if he has COVID while the three of us are trapped in this single hotel room together I am going to... probably stomp my feet like a toddler and regret all of my life decision ls that lead me to this point.

On the other hand, it could just be a cold and/or allergies (I am also currently experiencing allergy issues) and I could definitely be overreacting.

[darnedchild]

I was reminding my husband that we need to find a place to live, move, and get an address established before school starts in August because I am NOT sending our son to the middle schools he's currently zoned for.

And my son's answer?

"You could homeschool me."

"Sweetie, I love you so much, please don't take this the wrong way; but I would rather stab myself in the ear with a fork, repeatedly, than homeschool again. I still have nightmares from the two years during COVID."

"I had fun then!"

"I ... did not."

[darnedchild]

It's Halloween. Also known as the night my husband has to break out my anxiety meds just so I can hand out candy while he's out with the Demon Spawn without having a panic attack and curling up in my closet with sensory overload.

I love the IDEA of Halloween and costumes and candy and scary movies. But I dread the interacting with people and loud noises and talking and eye contact making part. But someone has to do it while my husband is supervising the Demon Spawn, and that someone is, apparently, me.

[darnedchild]

Hey... um, I hate to be annoying about this, but could we all remember to tag our ships?

I’m all about enjoying a ship and embracing whatever kink floats your boat; but there is popular ship all over my dash right now and I get heeblie jeeblies every time I see pics of the couple - like bile in the back of my throat, need to scroll away as quickly as possible, nightmare fuel heeblie jeeblies.  I would really like to blacklist a tag and let everyone else enjoy their smexy fun times.

Obviously, this means if I forget to tag a ship, feel free to give me a head’s up.

[darnedchild]

I woke up today and thought, “Hey, I haven’t written anything in nearly a year and it’s Molly Hooper Appreciation Week (ish), which would mean I could just work on a one shot or maybe even just a two hundred word drabble... I can do that, right?”

Wrong.

I can not do that.

I tried.  I really did.  But I’ve got nothing, no ideas, not even a blorb of word salad that I can vomit up and squish into a sad paragraph or two. 

And then I started crying because writing is supposed to be something I enjoy and something I want to do and it’s killing me that I can’t lose myself in it anymore.

So that sucks.

Anybody else have long periods of writers block?  And if so, what do you do to try to ease back into having fun with writing stories again?  I want to get my favorite hobby back.  I miss it.