#the demon spawn

[darnedchild]

I was reminding my husband that we need to find a place to live, move, and get an address established before school starts in August because I am NOT sending our son to the middle schools he's currently zoned for.

And my son's answer?

"You could homeschool me."

"Sweetie, I love you so much, please don't take this the wrong way; but I would rather stab myself in the ear with a fork, repeatedly, than homeschool again. I still have nightmares from the two years during COVID."

"I had fun then!"

"I ... did not."

[darnedchild]

Captain and I parent differently.

For some reason, my husband was trying to explain the proper way to throw a punch to the 10-year-old.

Captain - "Don't tuck your thumb into your fist. That's a great way to break it. Even better, just don't get into a position where you need to punch someone."

Me - "He's totally right. You're small and slow; if you get into a fist fight, you're gonna get your butt handed to you. What you need to do is find a bat or a chair or something with mass that you can lift and just swing it as hard as you can at their head."

Captain - "Wait. No."

Me - "Maybe you'll get lucky and stun them long enough to run. If not, remember to scratch the face or any skin you can reach. Get that DNA under your nails. Scar them up really good so the police can find them easier."

Captain - "I meant don't get into a fight in the first place."

Me - "Or that works too. I guess. But if you have to... go for the eyes."

Captain - "Okay, time to change the subject."

[darnedchild]

Holy shit, the Demon Spawn turned ten today. 

[darnedchild]

The Demon Spawn was absolutely amazed to learn that his Daddy (my husband) has a wife.

“Sweetie, who do you think I am?”

“Uh, you’re my Mommy.”

“Yes, but I’m also Daddy’s wife.  How have we never explained that before?”

[darnedchild]

Captain came home from an afternoon at work to find me at the kitchen table on hour four of virtual learning with the Demon Spawn.  He asked what he could do to help.

“Sit here with me.  If I have to suffer, so do you.”

[darnedchild]

Writing update/venting sesson

Ideally, I would have three fics for @mollyappreciationweek and they would all be ready on the correct scheduled days. 

However, the Demon Spawn’s Virtual Learning Program is insane and somehow decided that time shall work in mysterious ways and assignments that were supposed to be due this week were actually due last week and now we need to work a week ahead of the syllabus or pretty much everyone in the entire class is going to get marked behind (except for the two butt kissers who were already working ahead because that’s how they roll)...

Which we didn’t find out about until a classroom Zoom on Thursday when the teacher was all “So let’s go over the worksheets and sight words we’ve done and have a little quiz on the math” and me and seven other parents were just “Sorry, what?”    So the classroom Zoom turned into a parent bitch session and it came out that the teacher hadn’t even had time to look at the online program and was just going off what she’d been told and the physical syllabus she’d been given and it was just a giant fuster cluck.

Moral of the story, I’ve spent the last three days trying to help my seven year old speed run a week’s worth of English lessons (which we are still working on today) and then we have to tackle math, science, and social studies.  Fuck PE.  We’ll get to that when we get to it.  SO, fic writing has fallen to the wayside.

I do, however, have almost 2500 words written for one fic and if nothing else, I’m hoping to have it ready to post on the Free For All day at the end of the week.

Thank you for listening to me bitch.

[darnedchild]

I have no idea what I’m doing, but I’m pretty sure I’m doing it wrong

So let me start with the reminder that the Demon Spawn is six years old. 

Also, we try to answer his questions as honestly and as frankly as possible in an age appropriate way because what we tell him now is is going to influence what he says and does in the future. 

That said...  this just happened.

Me:  We need to hurry because I’m doing the pee-pee dance.

The Demon Spawn:  That’s not the pee-pee dance.  You have to hold your penis for the pee-pee dance.

Me:  Honey, I don’t have a penis.

The Demon Spawn:  Then how do you pee? 

Me:  ... You know what, I’ll talk to Daddy tonight and we’ll get you a book.

[darnedchild]

The Demon Spawn wants to be Kwazii from the Octonauts for Halloween.  A) There are no Kwazii costumes on Amazon in the Demon Spawn’s size.  B) I think that it is possible for someone to make a Kwazii costume out of some orange sweats, felt, and with some sewing skills.  C)  Do you have any idea how difficult it is to find orange sweatpants, much less orange pants that are the same shade of orange as a shirt.  Any shirt.  D) I do not have any sewing skills.  None.  At all.  Or a hot glue gun, which would have been the stand by option.

So, to sum up - The child wants to be a delusional orange cat who wears an eye patch for no medical reason and thinks he’s a pirate.  Homemade costumes are time consuming and difficult to make, even if you know how to sew.  Which I don’t.  I’m going to make my son a hideous pirate cat costume.  Somehow.