Getting Into A Relationship With Deacon Would Look Like…
Warning: very light mention of sexual encounters
Deacon would never just ask you out… and if you came on too strong, even if he really liked you, he’d pull back. Put on a great poker face and underline the fact that you’re just good friends.
The railroad is Deacons whole life. In a way, the railroad itself is Deacon. Hes Its glue. By getting in a relationship hed be putting his lover, himself and the railroad in danger. Its too complicated. Too messy. He had his chance at white picket fences and 2.5 kids out on the country- and he lost it. His time is gone, and he of all people has no right to take a lover- thats how he sees it.
No, the relationship would start right under his nose.
With a very close friend, someone he trust’s unwaveringly. At some point the friendship crosses an emotional line thats hard to pin point.
Friends spend every day together? Friends share all their feelings? Friends definitely worry about each-over.
Maybe the line was needing to know where the other person was at any given moment. Maybe it was sharing a bed( i mean, its just practical to carry only one bedroll!)
Maybe when they became too touchy. When noones looking, squeezing your hand or your arm. Absently rubbing your back. Hugging eachother like theres a quota everyday.(“wheres my hug at” =~=) and being spooned by him at night? Its just for warmth, right? Its tactical.
It’s this undertone in the relationship. Like, you know if you got romantically involved with someone else, hed be upset. So you wont. And neither will he. For years you’re in this limbo where you’re eachothers best person, but theres obviously something deeply strange about the friendship.
Then one day, something breaks. Maybe at an emotional high or after a few too many drinks. They fall into eachother. Its messy, but slow and so incredibly passionate. For Deacon, its been a long time, he has some performance issues. He cares about you so much and that makes it so terrifying- but also so amazing to just finally give in.
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Ad break regarding deacons past.
Deacon had his first while in the gang. With a girl that was a bit of a hop around. He got emotionally invested in her, only to eventually have to realise he couldn’t ‘fix’ her, and that she wouldn’t ever be his.
Casual sex was just the culture. And deacon did participate, but he hated it. At the time he just figured thats what sex was like. Unsatisfying and shallow.
Then later on, he had Barbara. And everything with Barbara felt amazing. Because he was so inlove and they were together. Because he got to see her beautiful face every morning.
After she was gone, he tried casual things maybe once or twice, just to chase his needs. Maybe to fill that void Barbara left.That sort of solidified that casual nothing just isn’t really how he rolls .
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Back to present day.
Physical stuff becomes fairly frequent. Though unless you bring it up; No conversations will be had about what you are, or where its all going. If you do bring it up. He’ll reiterate just that your friendship means A LOT to him. Probably say something noncommittal like;
“let’s just go with the flow, yeah?”.
But he definitely starts treating you like a lover, if he didn’t already. He’d pay for everything when you’re together. Get you gifts. He’s much more touchy and kissey, still only when you’re absolutely alone. And he’ll swarm you with praise and flirtation if he catches wiff that it really affects you.
Mr chill-laid-back-shakabra, is surprisingly dominant in the relationship. Maybe a bit controlling and toxic at times. It all comes from fear though. Hes terrified you’ll just show up dead one day.
You learn at somepoint he uses Railroad tourists to keep an eye on you. He’ll ask you vague questions like he knows something that he shouldn’t possibly know…
“I wonder how Hancock is doing these days…” equals, ‘why the hell are you hanging out with Hancock?’.
All that work he’s done with his anger gets tested when it comes to you and your safety. He regrets what he did after Barbara. Killing all those members that he used to consider friends… but the exact same thing would happen all over again if something happened to you. He wouldn’t even blink.
The key word here, is ‘paranoia’. The closer you get to Deacon the more you realise just how paranoid he is about everything. He double checks every room. Asks you 5 bajillion times if you have stimpacks packed. He won’t speak candidly unless hes 100% sure he has privacy with you. And really it’s just everything. A-lot of his behaviours and rituals are built off paranoia, he’s scared shitless he’s missing something, that theres some collapsing thread just outside his peripheral- and this fear extends to you.
Suddenly, every person you talk to is a potential murderer or spy for the institute or… well, someone who just might sweep you away from him. Like you’re a child without object permanence, and the moment he’s not with you in the room you’ll fall in-love with a stranger.
Deacons got a jealousy streak, for sure. But, He hides it well. He’ll smile as you talk about some new person you met. Someone entertaining and of good honour. And he’ll just say how he can’t wait to meet them! Underneath, hes boiling.
But, if he lets his jealousy get the best of him? Eventually he’ll plant little seeds…
“Such-and-such had a weird vibe today, right?… like- you’d say something and they just… i dunno… Gave me a weird energy. Pro—bably nothing. Ignore me.”
Hes self aware enough to eventually realise what hes doing and pull himself back. Hes likely to call himself out on his behaviour if you don’t.
Thats what is great about deacon. He has his walls and mental ticks- but hes very self actualised. (Even though sometimes he thinks confessing is the same as addressing a problem)
Hes lost alot of allies over the years because he just couldn’t open up and stop lying. Hes gotten to a point that he understands if he wants to keep anyone in his life, he has to pull himself up by the bootstraps and just be vulnerable sometimes.
Theres a few things that would make him crack, and finally admit youre not just friends with benefits.
1.) enough time passes. Maybe a decade. Maybe two. Then oneday; In conversation he refers to you as his spouse. This is fucking news to you. He’ll get embarrassed afterwards. you live together, you’ve been together so long, and you’re exclusive… he just kind of accepted at some-point that you were his completely. Nothing really changes after that. Although he gets liberal with calling you ‘my spouse/wife/husband’, it’s very over the top. He thinks he is very cute.
2.) you get pregnant, adopt or shaun calls him dad. Thats it. This is the most important thing in the world to him now. It reignites something in him that he thought died with the young man of the same last name. This is all he wanted in life. Not to save the world or flit around endlessly on adventures. A family, something thats his and his alone.
He goes to you, he tries to hold it back but hes so full of pride and emotion, he just drops the L bomb. Because he loves you. And he loves this. And hes gonna love his family with everythings hes got. From his beliefs, he wont let a kid grow up without two parents that love eachother. He has to stop himself from immediately doing something insane, like, getting down on one knee. Even if hes gotta put the railroad second in his life. He’ll do it.
3.) you test the boundaries of the relationship. You question it with action. Flirting and messing around with other people. It’s dangerous though, hes likely to just grow a little cold and short with you.
“Why are you looking at me like you need my permission? I dont care. Do what you want.” hed say, dripping with venom. Basically saying; I dare you. Its an invisible, unspoken boundary, and You’re breaking it.
He’d stop coming to you. He’d most likely feel betrayed. It doesn’t matter to him that you Arnt girlfriend, boyfriend. Or boyfriend, boyfriend. Or without any sort of title- you should know better.
He mopes around HQ, being antsy with everyone. Anyone can see that the resident comedian is struggling with something. But noone’s close enough to ask. You’d ask. You’d be there for him in a time like this. That realisation tumbles him into a greater understanding. If he doesn’t fight for you, hes gonna lose his one friend. He could sit around act bruised and walled off and lose yet another person. Or he can go to you, and at least… try.
He finds you before he can chicken out or lose this adrenaline hes on. But that leaves him not really knowing what to say when hes face to face with you.
The whole thing is tense. There might be some raised voices or a few tears. The conversation ends one of two ways. You turn your seperate ways and never see each-other again. Deacon really, and I mean REALLY, gives up on relationships. Or you both be adults and admit that you’re in love with each other.
You read to the end! Heres a cookie~ 🍪
